Month: October 2010

  • {deciding on a new name}

    I guess maybe it’s time to finally change my username after all these years.
    Hutch5 doesn’t fit us anymore. :)

    Of course the obvious is simply changing it to Hutch6~
    but for some reason that one just doesn’t jive with me.
    It doesn’t have the same ring or something.

    Like when you stand on top of a mountain and shout it out really loud 10 times…
    Try it. It just doesn’t work.

    Besides, I feel like we’re about to embark on something different in our lives –
    more than just a new chapter, a whole new book.
    An adventure like we’ve never had.

    Not merely standing on the edge of the unknown – but jumping out into it’s dark abyss.

    And not a little jump either…
    the kind you back way up for, run as hard as you can, shut your eyes extra tight, heart pounding out of your chest, and. JUMP!
    Hoping somehow you’ll land on your feet and not die in the process. :)

    So…
    a new name on the place I document our crazy wonderful journey only seems right.

    One night, back when I was on bedrest, but not sleeping :) .. I played around on Picnik with the ones I was thinking about.

    Here they are – tell me which one you like best::
      







     
    I will say, I like the “grace” ones more than the “focus” ones…

    Since I’m feelin G.R.A.C.E is sorta, kinda, totally, completely the theme of our lives right now! :)


    ****~   **

    We’re planning on doing our annual family Christmas pics on Saturday, so I’m working/ trying to decide on outfits.
    Here’s our family shoots from years past – just for fun. 07.08.09.
     
    I’ve never been a huge RED person, but found these shoes at Baby Gap and loved and bought.

    Is it bad to plan a whole photo shoot around a pair of shoes??

    grams & gramps visit 068

    I’m thinking black and white w. some great splashes of red here and there.

    And this chair… it would fit nicely too.
    grams & gramps visit 100

    Are your Christmas pictures done yet?
    Do you get stressed with the process…
    or, I should say, does your husband and kids get stressed with the process? ;)

    I admit I always feel a bit nervous cause I have this “artsy vision” in my head of what I want it to look like -
    and no, not just the given expectation of everyone looking at the camera at the same time and no fingers up noses {yes, that includes adults too}.

    And if this poison ivy doesn’t clear up by then remember when you get your Christmas card I do not have a strange birth mark or was recently rescued from a burning building! I did say I wanted splashes of red here and there didn’t I…  


    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

     

  • {looking for the lovely}

    Today it rained.

    Like one of those chilly fallish kind of rains that causes you to reach for your favorite gray knee socks and coziest sweater – you know the one, with the little lint balls all over it and maybe a hole under the arm..

    I stood at the back door for awhile and watched the rain pour down. Noticing the few remaining leaves on the trees whipping and shaking in the wind.. as if holding on to their branches for dear life not wanting to let go. Tonight, the big huge oak outside my bedroom window is much emptier now. I think in the end the wind won. Now the leaves lay in a wet lifeless heap on the ground underneath. I find a melancholy settle over me as the thought comes to mind that I won’t be here in the spring to see that tree in all it’s glory once again.

    And suddenly I realize.. I’m going to miss that tree.
    Is that dumb. To miss a tree?
    If it is that’s okay. I’ll be the dumb person who’s going to miss a tree.

    But if a tree could talk, man oh, man the stories it could tell of our times here!
    Standing as a wooden guard by our house over the last 12 years…
    creating the perfect shade for picnics and dream of a climbing tree for the kids.

    But.. I didn’t mean to write a post about a tree.
    I guess I was just thinking out loud there a minute…

    What I was going to write about was the gorgeous day we had before the rainy one –
    and how glad I was that Emma and I took a walk on that day and gathered up all the pretty things we could find.


     

    …it struck me when we were walking how that from inside our house looking out things didn’t seem too colorful or inviting… but when we got out and looked for the beauty we found it! sometime things in life appear worse than what they are, simply because we choose to stay in the box we’ve created around ourselves.. instead of being willing to step out and look for the good {the beauty} in the situation. Sure, it’s not always easy to spot. We might have to search a bit, dig a little deeper, and even push a few things aside – like I had to do for some of the pretty berries and flowers that were buried beneath the dead leaves. But, if we’re wanting to see it, wanting to find it, we certainly will!

    That was a good lesson to me in searching for the lovely in the drab times of life… even though it might seem from first glance there’s none to be had!


     

    {i loved the different color berries we found}

    We brought all our little finds home and spread them on the kitchen table.
    Emma decided we should open a flower shop, telling me-

    “you do the debt-or-ating wif our stuff and i will do the money…”

    (: Sounded like a good arrangement to me. 

     
         

    Actually, she turned out to be a good little business woman…
    making eight dollars and something from the guys who work for Shayne!
    One of them asked her how much for one of the leaves and she said,

    “Two dollars.”

    “Well, let me get my wallet from my car…”

    Emma looked up. Eyes wide with surprise and answered,

    “You are weally doeing to div me TWO DOLFERS for dat!!”


    Later while Kate was at ballet Emma wanted to go somewhere and spend her newly found business fortune.
    After walking the toy aisles of Target for the whole hour and half time slot we had before picking Kate back up,
    she finally settled on a generic rubik’s cube. hello kitty lip gloss. and a small plastic laptop.

    In the checkout lane she fumbled with her Barbie wallet, spilling the quarters nickels dimes and 12 million pennies all over the floor.
    When the lady told her the total she handed her the fist full of change she’d just scooped off the floor…

    “No, baby… ” I corrected. “You need your big money.”

    I reached into her clutched Barbie wallet and pulled out the singles.

    “But I want to pay wif these…” She said, bending down to pick up more of the spilled coins.

    “It doesn’t work that way, sweetie..” I explained as I attempted to count out the waded bills, aware of the impatient looking lady in line behind us.

    Now my kids have never been public fit throwers. Key word on public. They each know how to throw a royal dish of a fit in their own right just fine… But suddenly, Emma {very publicly} flung the change in her hand back on the floor and grabbed my leg, burying her head in it and crying loudly.

    “But I don’t want to div dat wady my money…!!!”

    I patted my heartbroken child on the head as I handed over her prized dollar bills and felt very much like the scary looking old men in the bank scene of Mary Poppins singing, “Tuppence,” as they greedily eyed the coin in Michael’s hand. I could feel the stares of the fellow shoppers and wanted to turn around and explain, “Look, people.. she WANTED to buy these things. I’m not some mean mom making my daughter spend her money when she doesn’t want to!!!” 

    I paid for my own things. Gathered our bags. And limped out with my sobbing 5 year old still attached to my leg.

    In the van as we talked things through I asked her if she wanted to return what she had bought -
    She told me, no. She wanted those things. But she wanted her money too!

    Oh, don’t we all. ;)

    I tried making her understand it just didn’t work that way, but wasn’t sure she really got it.

    But this morning when she woke me up with,

    “O-tay. Dis is what I doeing to do. Take my fings to da store and det dem to div me my money back! Den… you tan buy me dose fings wif YOUR money!”

    Hmm. On second thought. Yeah. She got it!
    And I’m thinking there’s a future in there as a business woman after all. ;)


    {picnik has a new textures effect that i had fun trying out and playing around with}


     
    I don’t think our little flower shop venture worked out so well for me though – -
    I started itching something fierce last night and woke up to a nasty rash all over my neck!
    Apparently one of the lovely red leaves I pulled was poison ivy!!!
    I’ve never had it in my life, and man! hope it’s the last.

    My grandma was telling me when she was a girl, going to school in a one room school house that one of the things the girls would do at recess was find a poison ivy leaf and write the name of the boy they liked on their arm. Then, when they broke out in the rash it spelled out the name!! Hmm.. I told her they must have been short on entertainment back then. ;)

    Well, I’ve been jumping up and down throughout trying to write this to take care of one fussy little Reese.
    Not sure if I ate something she’s not liking or what..
    sure hoping she doesn’t get this poison ivy – is it contagious?
    I should google it. But google usually freaks me out more than helps.
    She’s finally settled and I think is sleeping, which means I should be too. :)

    So, one last slathering of Caladryl and I’m off to bed!

    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber



     

  • {a living prayer}

    thinking of this song (lots) as I head into a new week.
    a week of change and adjustment.
    feeling caved in by those smelly brown boxes…
    but desiring for my focus to go beyond what’s surrounding me, to what’s sustaining me~ Him.

    … in His love I find relief. amen and amen. :)  

    In this world I walk alone
    With no place to call my home,
    But there’s one who holds my hand
    Through rugged roads, through barren lands.
    The way is dark, the road is steep,
    But He’s become my eyes to see,
    The strength to climb, my griefs to bear.
    The Savior lives inside me there.

    Chorus:
    In Your love I find relief,
    A haven from my unbelief.
    Take my life and let me be
    A living prayer, my God, to Thee.

    In these trials of life I find
    Another voice inside my mind.
    He comforts me and bids me live
    Inside the love the Father gives.

    In Your love I find relief,
    A haven from my unbelief.
    Take my life and let me be
    A living prayer, my God, to Thee.

    Take my life and let me be
    A living prayer, my God, to Thee.

    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

     

  • {and just like that she was a teenager}

    On 10.10.10 our Kate turned thirteen!

    I think I would usually say right about now,
    “Where have the years gone?”
    But I told myself I wasn’t going to ask.
    Because I know the answer….

    I see it stretched out like a timeline before my eyes.
    A long, skinny, beautiful, vibrant, alive timeline in the face of my firstborn.
    And in looking at her I see exactly where the years have gone…

    they’ve gone into a million moments of tears. and millions more of joy. they echo with a high pitched contagious kind of giggle. that makes me think immediately of a little nose crinkled up a certain way that always accompanies that giggle. they’ve been filled with serious talks and times when words weren’t necessary. they’ve held plenty of i’m sorry’s, a few tantrums, and more hugs than can be counted. it’s been about discovery. learning what it means to parent like Him and be a daughter of His. how in learning that individually, it makes the us in our relationship better. it’s been about growing. understanding. giving grace and needing it even more. it’s been about surprises. a few that knock the wind out of you in that unexpected way. but most of which are the kind that find you grinning from ear to ear, for no particular reason, only that your heart is so full. so blessed. so grateful.

    So even though I don’t need to ask, where the years have gone? I will say.. man! they’ve gone too fast!

    There’s something different about your firstborn.
    Not that they’re more special than the other kids – only uniquely distinctive…
    in that they were the one to give you the name “mom” to begin with.
    And Kate has certainly made me enjoy that name.
    And… be very sobered by it at times as well.

    I’ve always said she was so much like her daddy.
    But in more recent years I see a new likeness emerging…
    and I think I recognize it’s blurry image more and more each day.
    Though I do wish she’d stop carrying that huge mirror with her everywhere she goes! ;)

    One of the good things that’s come from Shayne being gone during this season of life is the friendship that has deepened with Kate and I.
    I felt we were close before, but now.. it’s like there’s more of that understanding and sense of just “knowing” that good friends seem to have.
    So often we’ll be talking and I’ll find myself thinking, “I like this girl!” :) She’s just an amazing little person. And I learn from her life in a big way.

    I used to think it was good parents that made good kids – but now I see it’s the other way around!

    Here’s 13 things I love about Kate::
    *She’s thoughtful – every week she has atleast 2 or 3 cards to mail out to people, just to let them know they’re special.
    *She’s a servant – often doing things before being asked.. and sometimes having to be asked to STOP. she would just keep going and going. :)
    *She’s not moody – she has such a steady, calming way about her. something not common in girls {or women} ;)
    *She’s creative – always drawing. painting. making cards. designing something. or coming up with big ideas!
    *She’s kind – in the real kind of way and not in the, “i’m only doing this cause i think this is how i’m supposed to act” kind of way.
    *She’s loyal – usually laid back and reserved unless you talk about her family, or her God. she surprised us all this summer during the musical production she was in with her boldness for Christ. what do they say about still waters running deep? exactly.
    *She’s sincere in her walk with the Lord – she’s so faithful to spend time in the Word every morning without being told.
    *She’s a great sister – she loves running crazy with Ben, sitting playing dolls with Emma, or cuddling with Reese. She’s the big sister everyone would want. :)
    *She’s Canadian – there’s a soft spot in my heart for anything Canadian. ;) and I love that she shares that special little thing with her daddy.
    *She’s confident – in a quiet sort of “i know who i am and what i want” kind of way.
    *She’s fun – she likes putting on dance parties with her friends and brother and sister!
    *She’s comfortable – in that others feel at ease around her.
    *She’s got a big heart – and I can’t wait to see all the things God’s going to fill it up with for His glory!!!

    We spent the whole week of her birthday celebrating..
    with a present to open each day.
    special girls night out w. mom.
    dinner w.mamaw & papaw.
    shopping with the uncles.
    and parties at the start and finish. 

    EVERYONE enjoyed Kate turning 13!! :)

    Here’s a bunch of the pictures from all that~

    first party w.some of her best girlfriends

     




     
    surprise costume party w.family and friends
     

    a pirate. a fairy.and a puppy

    and a hippie

     

    when asked what I was dressed up as I said, “a tired mom.” ;)
    I think I pull the look off pretty well.




    fun games

      

    musical chairs – always been my favorite all time party game. so fun!


    Mrs.V  boogieing to the music! We love our Mrs.V :)

    Wheelbarrow Race
     

    though some had to resort to different methods
     

    some of the faces from the day

     



    I started a journal that I’m going to keep especially for Kate through her teen years.
    To share my thoughts, advice, memories of her. I want to make a point to write in it every day.
    I told her she’s free to pick it up and read it anytime.. not just some kind of heirloom thing she has to wait on until she’s married or I die. ;)
    And it’ll help motivate me to be faithful on keeping it up – don’t want her seeing empty pages in there!

    I think it’s important for kids to hear from those who’ve went before them, so to speak –
    as my dad used to say, “get experience as cheap as you can – from other people!”
    And I want to encourage my kids to hear others. To learn from them. And always be approachable and teachable…

    Kate likes reading my blog and has come to be familiar with alot of you…
    so I’d like to turn the comments into something a bit more meaningful than, “good post.nice pictures.” ;)
    I would love to have you women {and the few men who read} ;) share any words of wisdom or things you’d wished you knew at 13, etc. {if you want. no pressure. :) plain happy birthday works too}. I think it’ll bless Kate and be the cherry on top of an already super special time celebrating her step through the doors of young womanhood.

    Thank you!

    and thank you God for the GIFT of our sweet firstborn girl.

         
                      

  • {let’s pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars…}

    Finally got my wish last night~

    I slept for five uninterrupted hours!!

    Read that sentence again and say, “uninterrupted,” very loudly and with enthusiasm and you’ll capture the emotion I was feeling when I wrote that! 

    We’ve all had colds round here with these killer sore throats! Even baby.
    Well, not sure about the sore throat – she can’t exactly tell me that.
    But her little nose has been plugged so bad and I think she gets frustrated sleeping.
    After trying to make her comfortable for awhile last night, I finally rolled her on her belly and that did the trick.
    All my babies have been big belly sleepers. :) They love it.

    I admit though, I always feel a bit like I’m breaking a good parent rule when I let them sleep on their belly.
    But, in the end I go with my gut over “rules” made by people not raising my kids! ;)
    Besides the fact that the medical community is forever changing it’s minds on what those rules are exactly…

    Used to be in my mom’s generation you were told to put your baby on their belly.
    Then they decided that wasn’t best, so it was the back. Then.. not good either, so onto the side…
    and, as one pediatrician told me, switch their positions often so their soft skull will not become indented!
    huh?

    Then there’s the whole whether to give them a binky or not.
    On the second night in the hospital I asked the nurse for one.
    She looked at me with this disappointed type face and said,
    “Oh, the lactition specialist don’t recommend pacifiers if you’re nursing…”
    I felt my eyes drop with a sudden feeling of guilt for even asking.
    Then. suddenly remembered something – Hey! Wait a sec… I’m the Mom!!
    So I smiled and said politely,
    “Well if that lactition specialist is going to come hold my crying baby at 3 in the morning then, okay. If not.. I think I’d like that pacifier.” :)


    And the umbilical chord… used to be you had to put alcohol on it each time you changed them.
    Now. nope. u-uh. not needed.
    The doctor said they’ve discovered that they fall off just as fast without using the alcohol.

    Well, I’m sorry. My baby’s didn’t… I’ve never had one take that long to come off actually.
    I started worrying maybe she’d be the only 18 year old with a piece of umbilical chord still sticking out her belly button!!!
    So I bought me some alcohol.

    Rubbing, that is.

    Anyway. yes.. much of motherhood is simply following your gut.

    Speaking of which – I’m looking around this place wondering what my 5 hour re-charged energy should tackle first?
    Amazing what a little sleep will do for ya!

    I’m going this afternoon to get my hair done for the first time in a long time…
    not sure what I’m going to do – it definitely needs cut. maybe some bangs? who knows.
    Looking forward to it. I LOVE me some nice girly salon time. :)

    Hoping to get up birth day posts soon…
    maybe now that I can hold my eyes open without them going crossed I’ll do that.

    haPpy wedNesdAy!

    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber



     

  • {for anyone else who had a rough monday}

    He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
    He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;
    To added affliction He addeth His mercy,
    To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.

    When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
    When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
    When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
    Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

    Fear not that your need shall exceed His provision,
    Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
    Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
    The Father both you and your load will upbear.

    His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
    His power no boundary known unto men;
    For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
    He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

     


    “fear not that your need shall exceed His provision…”

    LOVE that.

    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

  • {oh boy!}

    I’ve kinda been letting the kids rooms go… not really making a huge deal about them being overly clean. Figuring in another week or so everything’s going to get thrown into those smelly brown boxes, so why bother! The girls do okay to stay up on theirs regardless if I remind them {numerous times} every day.

    Now Ben. He’s not so into neat as his sisters. I usually tell him not to stay in his room too long or he might lose his way to the door!

    Today though. Today was one of those, “Sorry, bud. I just can’t be all calm and cool and laid back and whatever! about this anymore… get this thing cleaned up!!!” And tonight, when I went in to kiss him goodnight I told him how great everything looked. But, then… stopped midway through as a stack of something caught my eye. Shoved down in the corner beside his bed, between the nightstand and the wall.

    “What.. what’s all that back there?”

    Ben sat up and hung over the side of his mattress, stretching as far as he could to see around to what I was pointing at….


    “Um. Well…” he said nonchalantly. “There’s 2 deer antlers. 2 football gloves. 1 baseball glove. 2 key chains. a deck of cards. 1 baseball. a lizard. and…oh, yeah… 1 sock!”

    “Is that it?” I asked.

    He stretched a bit further to check, then looked up at me with a serious expression on his face. “Yup. I think it is!”

    I felt a smile playing at the corners of my mouth – As all the good, mature, wise mommy things I knew I was supposed to say about thoroughness and not doing a job halfway kinda escaped me right then.

    “And one sock, huh?”

    He nodded.

    I bent down and kissed his forehead, lingering there a second longer than usual before letting out an extra loud, “muh-wah,” at the end. He cocked his head sideways and smiled up at me with one eye squinted closed as he does….

    It’s in those moments that I know he knows.
    Knows without me having to say it~
     

    That I just can’t imagine life without him! :)     

    foreverfamily


    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

  • {being a hippie vs. being pink}

    I’ve been trying to get this post done since Tuesday …
    it’s been one of them weeks.
    Not bad. just busy.
    Where spare time is taken up with laundry.
    Answering school questions.
    Staring at my baby.
    And moving boxes.
    Not packing them. Just MOVING them!
    Literally, from one room to the next …

    I could tell right away moving and I were going to have some issues -
    For starters I hate seeing those things sitting around.
    So bland and just plain ugly {and they kinda stink too}…
    Hasn’t anyone thought of making pretty boxes!
    Maybe even scented ones too – like those trash bags you can buy.

    I’ve been wearing my heart monitor now for two days.
    According to the little black box attached to me I only have 05:35:24 to go! :/
    It also has a normal clock on it too, which I didn’t realize at first.
    My kids kept coming up bending over, cocking their head sideways and staring at it. 
    I thought they must be really fascinated by it…
    only to find out they’ve merely been checking the time.
    Nice to know they found it so convenient having their mom as a walking human clock!

    tick.tock. 

    I admit I’ve felt a bit like the bionic woman, with things stuck all over my chest and wires hanging from my shirt..
    but as one of my girlfriends said, look more like a suicide bomber. :/

    No wonder I had funny stares going into the store yesterday.

    It comes off this afternoon and first thing, I’m coming home and taking a shower.
    Never quite got into those sponge baths, ya know.  ;)
    That’s really been the only tough part… . 
    That. and feeling itchy, claustrophobic, and having a giant mp3 player strapped to your waist 24/7.
    Minus the nice music. :)

    But despite monitors and sponge baths and brown moving boxes that smell, the week has been a good one. Full days and some fun memories.
    I’m determined to make these last weeks here ones of joy and gratefulness. Sure. a huge part of me is sad about moving. You’ve no idea… 

    I often find myself with this sudden urge to just sit in the middle of wherever I am… the kitchen floor. the backyard. the grocery store. and bawl my eyes out and scream out loud how much I’m going to miss all this! A friend said to me not long ago, “you’re going to miss us, ya know?” Oh. I KNOW. Trust me I do. That clamp that tightens around my heart until it hurts reminds me just how much. But I also want to see clearly and soak in all that I love here, and I can’t do that if my eyes are constantly clouded with tears of sadness! For many reasons you can’t always see what you need to if your eyes are filled with tears~ nothing wrong with crying. I have and will cry many more buckets full, I promise. But I don’t want these last weeks to be focused on me. my emotions. There’ll be a time to do that. Because it’s not about denying my struggles – but not allowing those struggles to keep me from enjoying today. The moment I have right here and now!

    And I also want my kids to see something…. because I know they’re watching. Searching for how to respond and accept and let go. I want them to see that even while struggling to sort through things. Feeling a sense of loss. Even fear. That joy can still preside over our hearts. Instead of being depressed that a wonderful time in our lives is coming to a close – be grateful we’ve had this time at all! {or so i keep reminding myself} ;)

    Here’s some of my favorite pictures from the weekend and week~

     

      


     

     

    pumpkin farm 900




        


     

    football~ kate bday 141

    football~ kate bday 136football~ kate bday 117

    football~ kate bday 084 football~ kate bday 150


    football~kate bday 070football~kate bday 099       

    I wanted to share more about Kate’s birthday, but xanga is being all wonky… not all my pictures are showing up!?
    I’ll have to wait and share about that in an upcoming post. She turned 13 and that’s a pretty big deal I think. :)

    And she wanted me to get your opinion here about something…

    She has a costume party coming up this weekend and can’t decide whether to go as a hippie, or the color pink. {not to be confused w. the rock star!}  
    Kate has so many wonderful qualities about her - decisiveness not being among them! ;)

    So, what do you think:: 1. kate the hippie OR 2. kate the color pink

    Emma says she’s going to be a wolf…. or, “a dost wif a sheet under my head!”
    I’m sure she’d be the sweetest ghost there ever was!

    pumpkin farm 377-7

    These last pictures are for you, Cindy!!

     

    Well, it’s almost time to go get these wires off and be free again, baby! woo hoo~

    My kids won’t know what to do…
    they’ll  have to resort to looking at the kitchen clock again. ;)

    Hope you all are having a great week.


    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber


  • {what’s really been on my heart}

    It’s been a long week.
    The kind where the days never seem to stop..
    only roll into the next with a little space of darkness and a couple of naps in between.

    Shayne was gone and  yeah.. I’m not gonna lie, it was rough.

    At first when he told me he needed to make a trip to Canada I told myself there was no need to get in a snit about it – I knew he didn’t want to be gone anymore than I wanted him to be. But he had to get back to work up there, and… {if it’s possible to whisper while typing I am} we’re moving there in November! I don’t say it too loudly because I haven’t exactly processed it all myself. The word overwhelmed comes to mind.. but I’m playing the Scarlet O’Hara role – “I’m just not going to think about that today. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” ;) And at the moment, just wanted to get through the week without him here. Sometimes you don’t have a choice about what happens in life… though you do always have a choice on how you’ll respond. I just read a quote yesterday that said: Attitude – the difference between an ordeal and an adventure. how true!

    So, taping into that inner adventurer in me I told myself I’d be fine. I could handle it. I was tough that way… I am woman, hear me roar! ;) ‘Cept…. within a few hours of Shayne pulling away Sunday afternoon and Ben coming and telling me the dogs had gotten out of their kennel{again}and we’d have to go chase them down… I kinda got the sense that this was only the prelude to one crazy week. And my whole inspiration of, I’m tough I can handle it roaring woman thing sorta lost it’s, um… roar.  

    The nights were especially hard~ Shayne has always been so great about helping with the kids. He’s not one of these guys that looks at that stuff like the mother’s responsibility. When he’s here he takes just as much responsibility, if not more. I actually tease him about making a better mom than me. ;)

    I remember when I was pregnant with Kate him saying he was nervous about being a dad… he’d never been around kids much and he wasn’t sure he’d know what to do. :) I’ve thought of that little honest confession so many times as I’ve watched him with one of our babies, and smiled. He turned out to be a natural. :) Even getting up with them in the night- always. Never complaining. So sweet that way.

    Reese times~ 146Reese times~ 083Reese times~ 152

    With Reese, his help in the night has been imperative. She hasn’t been nursing well and I’ve been having to pump and give it to her from a bottle. I pump every two hours. She eats every three. So in the night Shayne feeds her and pretty much completely takes care of her so I can get some rest in the hour 45 minute space of time I have in between! Of course with him gone… … sleep has been even less.  

    And there were a few {okay 20} times or so throughout the week I was so close to picking up the phone and calling… pitching a fit and unloading and laying on a slight guilt trip. But there was something else I was feeling even more strongly than my over tired chalked full of hormone emotions. And that was GRACE. I can’t explain it.. I mean, who can really explain the work of grace? Other than saying instead of getting slammed like you deserve you get mercy sweeping down like a hurricane all around. And you feel the wind of His mercy pick you up and carry you through. Literally. Knowing every breath is simply.. grace. 

    And it’s in that glorious gushing of grace that you discover something even deeper than just the strength to get through each day – whether chasing dogs all over the neighborhood. the frustrations of nursing. or not. :/ racing to get to the bank before they close to deposit a check and having your van battery dead, and in the end getting the overdrafts you were trying to avoid. or sitting by yourself in a cardiologist’s office waiting to see the doctor…yes, grace not only gets you through but also causes you to be able to SEE GOD IN IT ALL. Realizing it’s the hard of life that shows us just how big the holes in our heart truly are. And just how capable He is of filling those holes, and providing all we need…

    How easy it is to carry our little bottomless cup of needs to others before Him.

    To run to those counterfeit wells we think will quench our thirst – - whether girlfriends. or money. or shopping. or our image. seeking others approval. praise. putting confidence in our intellect. our spirituality. running to our parents. our family. even our kids. and the one that hit me this week – our husband!! There are so many things, and not even necessarily “bad” things, that we can look to fill us up other than Jesus Christ. But what they offer isn’t lasting. There is Only One whose well can provide us water where we’ll never thirst again. Every other “thirst quencher” is only temporary!

    Reese times~ 104

    Picnik collage

    But it’s so “convenient”:) to run to my husband and look to him ahead of looking to the Lord – he is one of the kindest people I know and has such a genuine servants heart. He likes doing things for me. He’s geared that way… and I’ll stop right here for a minute and stick in a disclaimer – I’ve been “accused” in the past of coming across like I have the perfect marriage. Let me put that illusion to rest. It’s far from it. I don’t have a problem in the world being honest about our struggles. We’ve made it just like everyone else – by God’s grace. Yes.. I use that word alot in my life cause that’s what it’s all about! But I do feel blessed with the man I have. He’s a good one. And just because I choose to share some of that good on here from time to time instead of always hanging out the ugly, doesn’t mean the ugly’s not there. But.. if people choose to take the single snapshots of our life I share here to judge my motives and draw conclusions then oh, well. I KNOW what we are.. and what we are not. At the end of the day that’s all that matters. Others opinions are just that – their opinions. They don’t have to dictate our lives, unless we let them. 

    hmm.. didn’t really plan on saying all that but felt like that’s hindered me some in the past few months from saying much about my marriage- and I don’t want it to hinder me anymore. ;)  The thing I was getting at before I went off on that rabbit trial was there’s nothing wrong with our husbands meeting our needs and being sensitive and taking care of us.. I think it should be that way. They have strengths to balance our weaknesses and vice-versa. It’s part of the oil that makes the wheel of marriage turn and work.  But I think there’s a trap we as women, ME as a woman, can fall into and that’s making an idol out of our husbands and relying on him to constantly rescue us and be a “savior” of sorts in our lives in place of the Real One. I don’t know about you but I like the tangible.. arms I can feel around me, audible words I can hear. It easier to turn to someone in skin rather than trusting Christ~  

    I’m sure there’s those reading this going, “well.. I don’t have to worry about that. My husband is a far cry from any kind of “savior” in my life…” ;) But whether he is or isn’t, I think the underlying point is still the same because it’s about the EXPECTATION we place on him. Whether spoken or only secretly wished for.  And not only is there no human able to fill the voids in our life like we desire, we do a huge disservice to our marriage by placing this kind of expectation upon our husbands. Even the sweetest, kindest, most godly ones buckle under that kind of pressure. Because even if they meet your needs the majority of the time they will never be able to meet your needs all the time. Even when they get it right.. even then… does that truly bring the deep hearted peace we long for ? Does that really take away the insecurities and fear and discontentment?

    And we all know the answer. But somehow… somehow we still find ourselves running to the counterfeits of fulfillment over The True Fulfiller of our souls.

    And I’m not sure it’s even always a deliberate choice – sometimes I simply act before thinking. Ever do that? Something comes along that knocks my stuff.. I freeze up and seem to forget all these kind of posts I write :) and suddenly looking to Jesus and allowing Him to satisfy is the last thing on my mind. I find myself running, and I mean fast and hard, to that nearest source to fill my pathetic empty cup. And yeah, that’s often my husband. It seems only afterwards, usually when the temporary fix has worn off, do I stop and go, “duh, girl! when will you ever learn?”

    Not sure I ever will learn it. Not completely. Probably only re-learn over and over again… but hopefully each time it’ll take a little deeper root. I want it to. Want the truth to be reality in my life. Merely writing about it doesn’t make it so… words are not reality – actions are. And actions are born in the quietness of my own heart where the things I choose to believe and allow to incubate there will, and do, eventually come out. So it’s not about trying harder, it’s about letting Him transform my heart. That’s where it all begins-

    Reese times~ 108

    Reese times~ 143Reese times~ 155Reese times~ 132

    I was thinking when I was writing some of this too that’s it’s not about becoming some pseudo spiritual person from her lofty self righteous platform that looks down on others with a, “I only need Jesus,” kind of attitude. Especially towards her husband – ever know wives like that? Kinda not attractive is it? No. God made us like this. It’s okay to need others. :) To need our husband. I’m glad I do. I don’t ever want to be that hard harded. That arrogant. That dishonest to not be able to admit my neediness. It’s what God often uses to reveal just how sufficient He truly is. So being needy isn’t the issue… it’s what I do with that neediness. Ultimately, who it is I find myself carrying my cup to- expecting them to fill it up.

    “But whoever drinks of the water that I give will never be thirsty again. The water that I give will become in you a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” jn. 4:14

    Well, that’s what’s been going on in my heart spiritually this week… but now, physically. :)

    I went in on Wednesday.. which I have to say, walking through the doors of that office I was immediately looking at two couples that couldn’t have been younger than 80. They stared at me from head to toe with a mixture of interest like, “I’m bored sitting in this waiting room with no good magazines to read and what in the world is a whipper snapper like that doing here?”  I sorta felt I was invading their territory or something. One lady was talking, not in her inside voice ;) about how she needed a new cane. Lifting the one she had high up in the air to show the lady next to her the “uneven rubber bottom.” After I got my paper work and began filling it out, I admit I was feeling as strange as the stares from across the room and suddenly more nervous than I had been- wondering if I was really at that point in life where I was going to start having health problems. Good health is a blessing at any age, I get that.. but there’s still that standard way of thinking that you’re “guaranteed” so many years of problem free living before the inevitable sets in. 

    Finally it was my turn. And I felt the squinty eyes from my four waiting room companions follow me as I walked back through the door being held open by the nurse. I had to get on a scale! Which I wasn’t planning on doing for another month {or 12}. ;) I told myself I wasn’t going to look, I really didn’t want to know. But when the nurse called out the weight as if she were calling out a bingo number I didn’t have a choice. I always wonder why the first thing they make you do at the doctor’s office is weigh in~ I mean it’s not like we’re needing to qualify for anything! ;) The exam room was dimly lit with soft music piped through. They seem to try to create these spa like environments now in medical places. As if you could actually relax to the same degree you would if you were about to have a massage? My doctor was Dr. Sing. While waiting for him to come in I imagined how cool it would have been for him to go into something in the musical field vs. medicine. With a last name like Sing how could you not? As soon as he entered though, a short little Indian man… I saw the life I pictured for him of a top of the charts rock star could never be! ;) But he was very nice and I liked him. I always ask tons of questions and he was patient to answer them, and talk in terms I understood. I hate when doctors talk in all this big medical jargon and then look at you like you’re supposed to know what they mean. I feel like saying, “excuse me. I have my medical dictionary right here in my purse.. let me just pull that out and look up what ventricular actually means…”

    But in very simple, without looking anything up terms, Dr. Sing said that I had what is called a PVC of the heart. Which means it doesn’t beat normally, but doesn’t necessarily mean it’s abnormal either. Many very healthy people have these. However, there is a PVC that can be more serious. So they want to hook me up to a heart monitor for 48 hrs. to see if it’s the normal or abnormal PVC’s I have. They wanted to set me up right then.. but the thought of one more thing to deal with this week made me cave a bit inside. I began this somewhat frantic fluster of trying to explain to him that my husband was gone, my dogs kept getting out, I was having to pump, my cell phone died on the way there, and I homeschooled my kids… Dr. Sing finally interrupted me with a smile, that I know was really a laugh wanting to come out. He said it was fine {relax you crazy spastic lady!} and that I could simply come in next week and get the heart monitor.  

    The one thing he did say that was more of  concern to him was that the sonogram they took in the hospital showed the right side of my heart was enlarged. He told me for now he wasn’t going to do another read of it, because sometimes in pregnancy the vital organs all get pushed and pressured and that could happen.. so he wants to wait another month and then see what it looks like. I asked if that was like the PVC’s – normal and abnormal. He shook his head emphatically and said, “No.no.no. An enlarged heart is never normal!”  I thought about making a joke about the Bible verse that says something about an enlarged heart – -but decided not to – and later realized it’s not an enlarged heart, it’s enlarged steps. So.. it wouldn’t have even applied. ;)

    I guess basically there aren’t any answers yet. I feel pretty confident from his response that the PVC stuff won’t be an issue. And with the other.. there’s nothing to do for it at the moment anyway. So… more waiting.

    Seems like there’s many things in my life right now where God is saying rather clearly – TRUST ME!

    I admit that makes my heart doing a abnormal palpitation right there.. but then, when I look back at other times where I’ve wondered and worried and waited on Him - He’s always been faithful. And I feel my heart steady again and take a deep calming breath in~ knowing this time will be no different.

    Reese times~ 183 Reese times~ 178

     

    thank you so much for your prayers and sweet words. i don’t take any of that lightly.. i really don’t.

     
    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber


  • {a one handed ramble}

    my new best friend…

     

    = = ~ = = ~ = =

    because everyone girl needs a good pair of jeans…


      

                                 
    {hello mr.hand!}   

       

     

    and of course some cute boots to go with them…





    = = ~ = = ~ = =

    I still want to write about Reese’s birth.. to tell the story of her debut to the world.
    Why we chose the name we did. Why we’re calling her Reese instead of Megan. :)
    But these days most of my time on here is when I’m feeding her which means I’m limited to one handed typing..
    so until I perfect that better or learn to type with my toes the more wordy posts are for when I have two hands available – -
    and I’m finding when those moments happen, I’m usually not choosing to be writing blog posts! ;)

    But so many of you have been so sweet throughout this entire journey and it’s only fitting we share the “ending.”
    Hopefully one of these days before her first birthday I’ll get some two handed time to write it out. :)

    Today I finally called the cardiologist to make my appointment..
    I haven’t really been worried about it other than curious to know what exactly is wrong~
    I felt like we really weren’t given clear answers in the hospital.
    Since I was told this group of doctors were extremely hard to get into I was expecting something several wks. out…
    so was taken back when the receptionist told me they’d received my results from the hospital and my file was flagged.
    When I asked what that meant she said, “oh.. just that we should get you in here as soon as we can. how about tomorrow??”  
    I found myself suddenly nervous. Her response threw me.. and are receptionist even allowed to tell you things like that?
    Oh well. Tomorrow it is – 3:15.

    Funny to go to the doctor when you don’t really feel like anything is “wrong” with you! Not medically anyway. ;)
    Though I’ll make sure to wear double of that under eye stuff above just so that I don’t look like there is.




    “People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one!”




    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber
       


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