Last Sunday after church I asked Shayne if he'd mind to run out on our front porch (which is the ugliest thing, but kinda makes for a neat background) for a few pictures together~
Pictures are not his favorite thing in the world. But since I am *wink*... he complied.
--what is it with guys and getting their picture taken? though I guess the alternative wouldn't exactly be inviting either, huh? ... imagine your husband saying, "hey, anyone want to take my picture?" hmm.. yeah.
though in my guy's defense it's probably my fault he cringes to see that huge black contraption come out~ when I bought my first digital camera several years back I think I burnt him out with my efforts...
"opps.. too dark." "opps.. too light." "wait.. let me change the iso's" "where are the iso's?" "whatare the iso's anyway??"
...so I think at the mention of pictures he has instant flashbacks to sweating buckets in the blistering heat while his wife flips through her instruction manual!!
Ben was the designated photographer... he's actually not bad for getting a picture in focus. He cracks me up with dropping on one knee for "a better angle" - telling me to, "smile for real, mom." - and putting one hand over his other eye because, "I can't hold it shut. I try.. but it keeps popping open!"
when I look through pictures I know distinctly the one's taken by my little buddy boy. they are always tilted to the right slightly. (I'm always telling him to get his head screwed on straight!)
I was going through these the other night, correcting the "tilt"... when I suddenly realized I had been sitting for several minutes - staring blankly at our faces that were staring back on my ancient kds monitor.
My thoughts slipped a million miles away... or to be more accurate, three or four weeks back.
What God had taken us through.
What He's taking us through now.
What He'll take us through in the future.
as Individuals. as a Couple.
the "us" we've been. and are. and will be.
Before I knew it I found myself caught up in a quiet, mini celebration of sorts within my heart ~
I started to smile. Though no one else was around.... there I sat, smiling.
Because I was thinking of what it was exactly that I was celebrating...
the unity? the oneness? the closeness?
Yes.
But they were only the by-products of the process...
and the process is not always an easy one. a rosy one. a happily ever after kind of one... let me slip on the glass slipper and all is fine. (though a good pair of shoes can help!) ;)
And I asked myself could it be I was celebrating the hard times? the tough things? the misunderstandings? the frustrations? and irritations? even the pain... the tears?
Marriage is great.
I love my marriage.
But marriage can be really (really.really) difficult at times.
It's like any other relationship in many regards with it's ebbs and flows...
but yet carries a uniqueness all it's own in the sense that no other relationship can "drown" you with such emotion - good and bad.
- Remember my post about being at a point of decision in our lives?
During those weeks of crying out to God for His direction, one of our number one prayers was that Shayne and I would be one in our decision - - it was our fleece, if you will, before the Lord.
And God did give us direction. an answer. and unity....
But, God's will is a funny thing.
No. actually, it's not. I haven't done a whole lot of laughing in the past month and a half. :)
I would say rather, God's will is a mysterious thing...
I think we can become frustrated with God at times, or I know I do, because we try to bring Him to our level... often without realizing it. When life doesn't go as we thought, we find ourselves somewhat disillusioned with who He is - and it's not because He has changed, or is not who He has promised to be - it's because we're looking at Him through our human, flesh filled eyes.
Here I pause, and remember His grace....
He gets that about us!! He knows. and He understands.
That's why He said, "My ways are not your ways. And my thoughts not your thoughts...." no. they are better!
God is not a God to be figured out... He is a God to be trusted.
- But before I accepted this conclusion, I found myself in a spiritual battle over some of these truths for several weeks...
And if I were to be brutally honest - a little angry and upset with God.
I thought since I had yielded and surrendered to what I felt He wanted that the doors would swing wide open - the red sea would part - and I would stand and marvel and tell my children, and my children's children of the miraculous works of the Lord.
Instead, I felt the doors shut.
The way that seemed clear, grow cloudy.
The waiting I thought was over, start again.
And the unity Shayne and I prayed for, begin to unravel...
I said to a friend, "this isn't us."
Our marriage isn't perfect. But God has blessed us, and it's a good one. We've had our moments.. but never DAYS where it seemed the division among us was widening.
One night, after yet another communication attempt gone bad, we sat in bed silent for those "eternally long" minutes when you're fighting...
And almost as if synchronized (and I feel it was, by the Lord), we both turned to each with tears.. and I don't remember the exact words, but in essence it was - "this has got to STOP!"
Here we were, confused and upset and trying to figure out if God wanted us in Canada, Chicago, or Tin-Buck-Two. If He wanted us to pastor, run a business, or drive an ice cream truck ~ we were so focused on what it was God wanted for our future, we were missing His will for NOW. for this day. this moment~
For us as a husband and wife to seek His face.. (daily.) To trust Him, regardless. and to point and direct our children to do the same...
We bowed our heads and re-shifted our eyes back to Christ that night.
After praying, we sat and talked until the wee hours of the morning... recommitting to God and each other to do all we could to strengthen and grow our marriage. Purposing to do what we already know!
So often we can get caught up in reading the latest marriage book, or running to a new conference, when it would probably profit us a whole lot to simply do those things we already know to do!
not going to bed upset with each other. (ever!) working out a difference~ however long it takes. praying more together. reading His word together. uplifting one another. cheering the other on. talking more together. listening more. kissing each other hello. and goodbye. and looooonger:)
and above all,
helping to turn the other's focus to Christ.
It's rather ironic how that works in a marriage... the MORE we focus on Christ, the MORE we can focus on one another. (the way we need to be focused on)
Resulting in being the kind of "us" we want to be.
and most importantly,
He wants us to be.
I think it's Nancy Leigh DeMoss who says, "take care of the vertical relationship first... and the horizontal ones will become that much easier."
in other words, "seek first His kingdom and His righteousness... and all these things will be added to you." Matt. 6:33
Amber.
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this is part of the chorus to a sweet country song we've been loving lately~ by God's grace it is possible to fall in love over and over again!
"Like a river needs the sea, Stronger than its ever been, We've come so far since that day, And I thought I loved you then."
