Hutch5's Xanga

Friday, November 13, 2009

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 23:26:09 GMT

{playing for the critics}



Ben's team made it to the "Super Bowl" in his division.

The game is tomorrow.

I'm so excited for him. So is he.
and nervous too..

We've talked about it lots this week - and lots before that too,
like - 'IF we win the playoffs...." "IF we make it to the championship...."
So it's been fun to see those "if's" become reality for him.

We've been praying about it too..
I liked his prayer the other night where he said,
"God. I don't know if you're interested in things like football...
but it would sure be nice if we could win."

Yeah, I don't know if God is interested in football either -
but I know he's interested in US!
in our lives.
in our hearts.
in what's taking place there...

I love watching Ben play sports.
Football. Basketball.
those are the two he does.
Funny - when I'm watching either of those at any other setting..
I'm usually bored out of my mind -
I have a short attention span.
But if it's my boy playing I'm so THERE!
Into every play.
Wanting to know every call.
Constantly looking for Ben. {football is much harder to pick him out - they all look the same out there!} :)

But as much as I "get into it" when I'm there..
I don't ever give a game any thought before hand.

HOWEVER- this game on Saturday.. tomorrow. "The big one..."
I've been thinking of alot.

Maybe from all the extra talk about it around our house..
or the extra long practices this week.
But my thoughts are more than what they usually would be for a game -
which is simply for Ben to do his best. have fun.
I'll be honest... I find myself really.really. {really.really.really}
wanting him to WIN!

And before you think I'm one of those crazy insane sports Mom..
{although I am planning on spraying my hair green for the game!}
You have to understand the team he is playing against.

They've never been beat.
They are the Yankees of Ohio Youth Football,
winning the championship like 5 years in a row!!
{c'mon boys.. time to share a little!} ;)

Their players have names like -
Cody "The Crusher" Perry
Zach "The Terminator" Davis
and Jake "King Kong" Barett.

The fans are equally as scary looking with their faces painted blue and gold -
I always feel like I'm at a reenactment of Braveheart each time we play them..
and they're as equally scary sounding -
don't get me wrong, I can holler with the best of em~
but I've never heard grown adult men and women SCREAM like that.
And that's not mentioning the cow bells and sirens they ding and ring and let off..
making you think the local fire station is on parade!

Our fans are much more laid back in their support~

But all the scariness of the other team aside -
when one of their coaches wives told our coach,
"Your boys don't stand a chance against our boys..."
... and the coach passed that on to the team...
which trickled back to us parents -
yeah... uh-huh.... THEM'S FIGHTIN WORDS!! ;)

Amazing! what someone's words will do. How their attitude can effect you...

and I found myself AnNOyEd at what that woman had said.

Suddenly, I didn't just want Ben to win simply for the joy of winning.
Suddenly, it was about winning against THAT team!

It was no longer the satisfaction of seeing all the hard work and effort pay off ...
It was the satisfaction of seeing the team that thinks they can't lose - lose.

PROVING THEM WRONG.



hmmm... I see some smiles breaking out as you begin to know where I'm going with this...
the sports arena is full of spiritual insights, and I found myself mulling over some old {and not so old} struggles this week.

Ever felt like you were motivated to do what you do to prove something to someone... ?

Those who've judged and criticized. Who've said,
you can't ...
or you should ...
or why do you ...

I remember a lady in my church coming to me once and telling me she knew I was having a hard time with my kids during the service..
"I can tell by the way you look down the pew at them that you're irritated with how they're acting."
After doing a quick birds eye view in my mind of where this woman sat in church and where I did..
and how in the world she could even see that much detail from where she was,
and why she wasn't paying attention to the sermon instead of watching me..
I kinda blurted out a confused, dumbfounded, "WHAT?"

I should have went on to say,
"Irritated? trust me lady.. I can show you irritated!"

Instead I shook my head and mumbled something insincere like,
"Thanks for sharing that....?"

With some people it's not even worth your time to try to explain -
It has nothing whatsoever to do with any kind of love or concern for your life.
They are there for one purpose - to critique. And they do it well.
Those are the ones I've found it best to simply grin and move on.

And though that's exactly what I did with this lady, guess what...
next time at church I found myself wanting to smile EXTRA big down the pew at my kids...
to pat Ben on the head affectionately..
and attempt to laugh off the loud scratch.scratch.scratch. from Emma's crayons on her pad of paper.

I was PERFORMING to PROVE my critic wrong.

And that's not only a bad way to live...
it's an exhausting one too.

Wanting your life to resemble some form of success only so those who said, 'you couldn't'...
might, even in a teeny tiny way, come to change their mind. {possibly}

But people who have a critical spirit are never satisfied...
that's why it's so exhausting to try to please them -
just when you think you've proven one area they'll turn on another.

"LIVE FOR AN AUDIENCE OF ONE" is one of my favorite all time quotes.

But even if that is the sincerest desire of your heart, still it can be a battle.
It's like the groupies at concerts that they hold back with those metal gate barricade things -
you always seem to have that "group" that's there shouting at you...
or worse, the ones who stand in the background - observing. {hate that}

And no matter how much you tell yourself others opinions don't matter...
this person is just off their rocker..
and your security is deeply grounded in Christ so none of it shakes you.
regardless. bottom line. it hurts.

And the answer isn't always as easy as "living for an audience of One.."
even getting a t-shirt made with the slogan, and a license plate to match -
I mean, it is.. but it isn't.

some things don't seem to have a quick 1-2-3 it's fixed if you do this and poof! all better.

Life can't always be sliced, diced, and served up in pretty little bowls that way.



I think of Ben's game tomorrow, and I'm reminded with as much as I want him to win -
especially against THAT team.
I know that winning isn't everything.
it's nice. sure.
But it's temporary.
It doesn't produce a lasting peace and contentment and fulfillment.
Because there will always be one.more.game.
One more opponent..
another challenge..
another snitty remark from someone ..
another critic.

And if I live my life trying to prove someone or something wrong
I'll end up one of two ways, if not both:

1). bitter because I can't
2). phony from trying to

No. I think the real victory is realizing I'm not here to PROVE anything.
My entire Christian walk and the type of "performance" I give is tied in so much to understanding that truth more and more.

And our lives must be built upon truth. Take away truth and you're left with only emotion.
And a life built on emotion is unstable. wishy washy. and easily swayed by others opinions and views.

"Study {focus on. be diligent} to show yourself approved unto GOD..." 2Tim.2:15

There will always be those people in our lives who leave that little nagging desire in us to want to prove ourselves~

tomorrow as we spray our hair green..
carry our homemade banners..
and try to make our cheers for our little determined football team louder than that of the ferocious, "you can't beat us" opponents ..

I think they'll be a point somewhere in there...
in the middle of all those cow bells ringing, and the nervous excited hearts pounding,
where I'll stop and smile towards the sky -
soaking in a sigh of relief for just one second -
glad {so very much} that there is One who's approval I never have to earn or work for.
His love is eternal and His acceptance unconditional...

There will be many things I'll win and lose at in this game of life -
and let the critics think and say what they will.
It's not about knowing or trying to prove anything to them~
but knowing because of Jesus,
I don't have to.

GO BULLDOGS!!!!

amber.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 16:32:59 GMT

{Outfit of Choice & Survey of Sorts}

Thanks to all who gave their opinion and fashion tips on what outfit I should wear for our family pictures...

I ended up going choice#1 with wide blue belt and heels.

At the last minute I decided to wear a different skirt.
which I'd found for 2 bucks,
which I thought was a wonderful deal,
which I thought was adorable.

But, you know how they say, " always go with your first instinct."
yeah.. I'm kinda feeling that as I look through the shots -

We've got browns and blues. browns and blues. browns and blues.
then suddenly...
Hello Bright Purple Skirt!!

Here's a few of just the girls and I being silly..
waiting for the boys to come over,
who kept running to the van to listen to the Bengals game. :/

It's always a funny {not really} thing when trying to get our once a year family Christmas pictures..

I swear, we could stand outside all day long in our own back yard and snap away..
wearing who cares what...
and acting which ever way we want...
and have every single shot turn out great.

But dress us up.
Haul us across town.
Try to pose us..
and bam!
It must be stage fright or something.
...every other one has someone's eyes shut.
mouth open {wonder who that would be?}.
or the wind creating strange illusions...
like the longest nose hairs EVER!

We ended up with a whole entourage of family and friends there~
yes. it takes a village!
I so appreciate their help.
I'd like to say it was a fun time - but, well..
even I don't find being in pictures "fun."
{shhh.. don't let my husband read that}

It was a bit ironic that I got a call the day after our 2nd attempt from a professional photographer..
reminding me that we'd won an all paid 2 hour session with as many people as I wanted to bring!
It was one of the prizes from that whole singing competition thing in the summer...
and I totally forgot!~

When I told Shayne he just stared at me with that blank, dumbfounded look he gets that needs no words.

Maybe if I convince him they could be our Christmas pictures for NEXT year he'll cave.
We could just photo shop a few wrinkles in, don't ya think... ;)

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The other day while eating out I discovered a hair on my food.
I'm usually not overly freaked out by such things - -
hey, I'm the kid who ate ants when I was little.
And of course wanting to believe the best about others..
naturally I assume most people are generally "clean."

So I kept eating.

But upon the discovery of a second hair,
I took the sandwich apart and examined it more closely.
Taking bites from a few more safe looking areas.

When I spotted another, that I'm not sure had been on the food or not..
just casually laying barely on the side of the plate -
I decided to eat no further.

When we got our bill I asked the waiter if he would take mine off, explaining why.
He called the manager over who, after giving my explanation again, said-
"Um.. so there was a hair in your food."
{why do people repeat what you just said?}

I nodded and slightly corrected, "Hair-S! Yes sir."

He acted a bit peeved and I saw his eyes glance up at my head...

"...and they were black." I quickly added. "short....black... hair-S."

As we left, the person I was with said she thought that was bold and could never say anything if it were her...

Bold? I just thought hair on food in a restaurant where you're paying for what you assume will be quality service was a no brainer!! :/

But. maybe. I'm. wrong.
I have been before. ;)

And then I became curious -
was I unusual?
I have been before. ;)

So, I thought I'd run a survey for fun.
and to convince myself I'm not so unusual..
or maybe I'll find out I am. :o

What do/have/or would you do in that situation?

a). Stop eating the minute you see it and not say a word.
b). Tell the waiter and ask for another meal
c). Keep eating it - carefully
d). Stand up and yell, 'HAIR!' Immediately exit the restaurant... grabbing the Purell from your purse on the way out!

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And with that wonderful imagery in mind.. it's time for lunch!!

hope your day's a happy one!

i should add: photo credit goes here.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 22:31:25 GMT

{Okay, I admit it.. I'm a hypocrite!}

Year after year I rant and rave how un-traditional,
even un-American it is that we seem to go straight from Halloween to Christmas.

Thanksgiving tends to lose it's climax when every store is playing, "Joy to the World."
Homes appear to have already, "Decked the Halls."
And obviously everywhere you turn, "It's Beginning to Look alot like Christmas."

So I'm always a staunch believer that the Christmas decorations cannot go up until AFTER Thanksgiving!

I'm sorry, pumpkins and orange leaves just don't mixed with twinkling white lights and red candy canes. ;)

But today... which happens to be unseasonably warm and 70 degrees outside.. while driving back from lunch with Mom and Danny I noticed a lady stringing her blue Christmas lights on the already hung garland down her fence row.

"Now there's a smart lady!" I thought to myself.

When I got home I sat in the van for a few minutes looking at the house and garage.
I knew there was a history lesson that needed to be done with the kids ..
and Ben's practice pants that needed washed for football tonight ..

but history can always be taught on cold dreary days we're stuck inside.
and the practice pants are only going to get dirty again.

So....................... :)

I can see my husband even now when he gets home.
He'll shake his head from side to side and say just.one.word~

"Impulsive!!"

;)

I guess I've crossed over to the other side and caved on my beliefs ..
Atleast for this year.
But no promises -
I might forever be changed by this warm weather decorating.

I still really do think this ..
and felt a bit like this putting up the decorations ..
and though it's not completely finished like this ..

{and can i just point out, there is seriously a conspiracy going on with the manufacturer's of Christmas lights! i think they make those things to only last one season. i don't care if i plug a strand in and it works.. i'll still buy a new box. because at some point.. usually just when the tree is completely done, or the lights all hung along the eaves of the roof.. if they're not a brand new pair, trust me! -- they'll quit working, or just that one spot right in the middle will go out!!} : /

BUT. in a few weeks after Thanksgiving ..
instead of being outside like I usually am,
attempting to fluff garland with fingers that won't bend from being frozen ..
and wiping my nose that's running off my chin on mitts that are soggy and wet from already wiping it countless times ..

I'll be glad for the inspiration of the smart lady I passed by today! ;)

Ben was taking pictures of the homemade football field he made in the yard and snapped these~

and yes. I always coordinate the scissors I carry in my back pocket to match my shirt!

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 12:13:15 GMT

{A Photo Journey}

--------------- background

D.C. is a place I'd never been - but had always wanted to...

Being married to a Canadian it's not exactly high on the vacation destinations list.
Not that we have one. But, well, if we did...
it wouldn't be!

Kat is a xanga friend I'd never met - but had always wanted to...

Being married to a Can.. er, uh.. my husband, ;) he thinks it's a little "weird" I'd want to meet total strangers..
but with each one I do - discovering they're actually REAL :) and even nicer in person -
he's starting to come around to the idea!

So several weeks back when Kat called and invited me to come for a visit,
I was excited and a little {no alot} blown away by her generosity to fly me out.

But generous is a word that immediately comes to mind when I think of her~
she has sent little gifts here and there throughout the years,
and has pretty much solely clothed my Kate with all her hand me downs.

Kate is so proud and affectionately refers to them as her "Kat collection." :)

So it was super fun to finally get to meet the already loved, Kat~

Shayne is right in the sense that it is all rather "weird" when you really stop to think about it..
being friends with someone...
sharing in their life...
feeling a sense of love for them...
knowing where they live..
and even what they ate for dinner last night..
yet NEVER having met them!!!

So, yeah.. I think when the opportunity comes to finally meet you wonder how it'll go -
will they be the same person you've perceived them to be?
will it be all too awkward?

with Kat~ I.just.knew.
Knew there would be a comfortableness and sense of ease.
She has that wonderful quality, not everyone does, to make others feel that way.
I think it comes from being content with who you are... where you're at in life
When you're okay with you, others are too.
No fronts. No cover up's.
Not afraid to be transparent..
even if that means others seeing your struggles or weaknesses.

Anyway - I liked many things about her :) but if I had to name my favorite,that would be it.

[and this is my favorite picture i took of her while there]

--------------- introspect

Going away on that particular weekend seemed especially needed.
It had been a rough week and half leading up to it
and I felt the timing was such a God thing - like He's so good at doing.

--------------- the trip, day one

I kept feeling that morning when I left that I'd forgotten something...
don't ya hate that?

All the way to the airport I was going over it in my mind.

toothbrush - check
socks - check
clean underwear- check
boarding pass - check

As soon as the plane was airborne and I took my camera out to snap a few pictures I realized -

memory card - no check

Good thing I was going to visit a photographer... :)

So I sat back, took mental pictures of the earth below quickly fading into a monopoly board,
and the wonderful fall colors on the trees that resembled very much an old patch work quilt my grandma has on her bed..

beautiful.

It was pouring rain when I got into D.C.

Kat and I met.
Began talking instantly,
non stopedly :)
jumped a taxi
and headed to her apartment.

Later that night we walked a few miles...
still pouring rain,
got a bite for dinner.
Tried to warm our drenched, cold feet.
Browsed around a Michael's store-
Grabbed a Starbucks..
I put my feet in mine. ;)
Then headed out later to see a movie.

--------------- the trip, day two

Went into D.C. with Kat's roommate, Katie.

Katie is a sweetheart.
kind. laid back. easy to be around.
I instantly loved her. -
Her husband is serving in Afghanistan.

Without Katie, Kat and I would have probably roamed hopelessly about...
but since she knew exactly where to go, we were able to see so much in a short amount of time.

[this guy was doing his thang.. dancing up a storm in front of the White House. i loved his spirit]

[a kat photo]

[this little guy was in a world all his own.. ]

[the Vietnam Memorial was sobering to me]

[interesting you can see the reflection of the living in the wall of the dead]

[a kat photo]

fun in the leaves...

[kat photos]

the Asian goddess...




--------------- the trip, day three

Kat and Katie were both gone to work~
so after enjoying a nice long hot bath...
I walked a few miles to get lunch.

then headed down to Old Alexandria.

It was a gorgeous day and I loved strolling around..
sitting at the harbor..
snapping pictures..
talking to random strangers..

one lady started witnessing to me.
I listened politely until she was done -
then smiled and told her that Jesus was indeed my Lord and Savior.
she gave me a huge hug..
I don't know if it was from excitement over me being a fellow Christian,
or simply from relief because I could tell she was so nervous talking to me.
I smile even now thinking of it.

[i liked watching this little girl feeding the pigeons]

[i think this bird was posing!]

[i found this table in one of the shops.. i'm going back one day to buy it!]

[taxi ride]

my friend Beth only lives about an hour from D.C. so she drove over that afternoon to meet up~

[waiting on the curb for her to get there]

[what you do while you wait.. take goofy pictures of yourself]

we headed downtown to take in a few sights before dinner...

[on the steps of the Capitol Building]

[Supreme Court steps - legally blonde?]



met up with the other girls at the Old Ebbitt Grill... a cool historic eatery near the White House.

another friend of Kat's had come in that day - also who she had never met..
neither had she met Beth yet,
nor I Caitlyn {the other friend who'd come in}
nor Caitlyn me, or Beth, or Katie,
or Katie, Beth..
or Beth, Caitlyn or Katie, or Kat...

:)

it was a good night.

went to the Jefferson Memorial afterwards...

[i liked this couple sitting here.. they looked deep in thought]

[i liked what this said. wonder how it would look hanging in my house?]

[a kat photo]

go here to see our crazy impromptu dance~

--------------- the trip, day four

headed back home.

[the germ incubator]

It was kinda funny.. I'm not a huge traveler,
flying that is -

but I tried to pack everything so I could just carry it on with me.
all my little liquids, gels, creams, and gloss in baggies...

Cincinnati is a pretty big airport - going, I went through security without a hitch.
I was frisked.. but I think that was random.

coming back, in the Reagan National Airport, which isn't that huge..
got called over for a bag check in security...
had to empty out all my baggies w/ my little liquids, gels, creams, and gloss.

The guy told me they all had to fit in ONE bag!!

I thought the rule was everything in it's own bag.. so yeah..
you can imagine how many baggies of things I had.
He told me to choose the things I wanted..

So as I was - and rambling off about how I never fly,
and that I had come through Cincy security without a problem..
and I just was never going to fit everything I wanted to keep in one bag...

The guy started stuffing things in himself.
and by stuffing I mean stuffing..
the bag wouldn't close..
things were coming out the top..

He opened my purse and stuck it in.

"And here.. you can take this too.." he said, handing me my 5 oz. {oops} jar of hair cream stuff.

I think my talking must have made him nervous or aggravated or something..
obviously, he was wanting to be done and over with me! ;)

Then, once I landed in Cincy I got so screwed up as to where I was going...
my cell phone wouldn't work.. so I couldn't call Shayne to find out where he was...
or where I was. {he's my living gps}
I ended up on the opposite side of the airport, in some other terminal~

my family thought that was funny I spent the whole weekend in a strange, new city..
then come home and get lost!!

but hey - the airport isn't exactly familiar stomping grounds to me. :)
atleast if I was stranded there it wouldn't be so bad though...
those places are like malls now!!!

--------------- conclusion

A wonderful weekend. complete with -

a new life long friend made.
my first taxi ride alone!
my first Thai food eaten.
quiet time with my thoughts & the Lord.
backing out of 4 parking garages!
lots of laughter.
a little dancing.
fun memories.
serious talks.
sweet times.
tons of smiles.
heart blessed.

Thanks again Katherine~ so thoughtful. so sweet. so glad you're in my life. love you.

[my favorite thing about this picture is the ladies in the background.. maybe someday we'll go back. you be the redhead, kat!] ;)

--------------- question

Ever been to D.C.?

what's your favorite thing there? ... and why.

I'd have to say mine was the Lincoln Memorial -

[a kat photo]

standing there looking up at this larger than life, all consuming monument I couldn't help but to wonder what he would think about it all _ thousands of people flocking to stare at an image carved in stone...

I'm sure his greatness far exceeded his expectation. If he had an expectation - I think he simply lived his life. did the next thing. was concerned for the well being of others. and acted upon what he felt was right.

.. I guess the idea inspires me.

God taking ordinary people and using them to alter history and change lives~

Kinda gives a person hope, don't ya think.

amber.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:06:15 GMT

{A Story About Comfort}

just read this on a friends blog and was really blessed by what she shared.
thought you might be too...

here's a taste of it -

"There will be another bump in our road - or maybe the road will give way altogether but we are racking up some stories with Jesus! And I can hold my head high even when my heart faileth and say, "I HAVE BEEN HERE WITH YOU BEFORE, SWEET LORD."

"You are the marriage Maker, the confidence Builder, the scared Mom Soother, the little child Protector, the economy Overcomer, the shaky job Sustainer, the Daddy Encourager, the tear Collector, the home PROVIDER,

indwelling, abiding, encouraging, comforting, singing songs over me, mighty to save and save and save again.

And I've got the stories to prove it.

I love you, O God, my Father, my faithful Friend for all this and for all that is to come."

link over to read the rest. [the link is in the title] and take a little time to scroll her blog~
she's a great writer - humorous, real, super sweet spirit.

ps/ hopefully my next blog is my trip to D.C. - been wanting to share about it. :)

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 12:05:37 GMT

{Celebrating #13}

It was thirteen years ago today, on a Friday, at just about 6 something in the evening my name forever changed...

and along with it~ my life.

What a life it's been!

Certainly far from perfect~
but one I wouldn't trade for anything in this world.

Here's some things I've learned along the way..
grow more grateful for everyday..
and just plain downright love.

-- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: ---- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: --

13 Things I love about my Husband~

1. his humor
2. his practicality
3. his easy going manner
4. his positive outlook
5. his hands
6. his touch
7. his smell
8. his kindness
9. his prayers
10. his smartness :)
11. his fathering
12. his friendship
13. his tenderness

-- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: ---- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: --

13 Things I Love About My Marriage~

1. raising a family together
2. learning together
3. hanging out together
4. being silent together
5. praying together
6. making love together
7. figuring life out together
8. being ourselves together
9. laughing together
10. looking to God together
11. growing up together
12. growing old together
13. all the togetherness of it. :)

-- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: ---- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: --

13 Things I've Learned About Marriage from My Marriage~

1. That I don't know as much as I thought I knew about marriage before I was married.
2. That men aren't women and we shouldn't expect them to act like one.
3. That, "I was wrong. Will you forgive me?" holds some powerful healing.
4. That there is absolutely no room for selfishness in a marriage.
5. That the instant I begin to think of "me first" is the instant my marriage begins to weaken - I guess Proverbs 13 :10 is right!
6. That communicating is vital.
7. That communicating does not mean I do all the talking.
8. That the times it seems we're from different planets are the times to remember every planet is needed!
9. That kissing and often does wonders.
10. That we need to nurture our friendship as well as our love.
11. That praise is crucial.
12. That our marriage is worth the fight.
13. That it's a fight we cannot fight alone -
that we so need Christ!.

-- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: ---- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: -- :: --

Shayne is preaching at our church today.. which I can't remember the last time he did. But it seems fitting that it's today, of all days that he does. Brings back so many memories of those first months of marriage... sitting in a little senior center building in Northern Ontario... surrounded by a congregation that probably thought I was as strange and different as I thought they were. There were times of loneliness and homesickness and tears during those days... but somehow I really didn't mind. There in the first row, 2nd chair in.. week after week.. I was reminded over and over why I had said "yes." Moved 900 miles from family and country and everything I had ever known.. it was all for the guy up front! ;)

And though these thirteen years have held things I never would have expected or chosen... one things for certain...

I'd do it all again! In a heartbeat.

amber.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 00:18:45 GMT

{help?}

We're supposed to be taking our family (Christmas card) pics tomorrow evening or Thursday.. depending on rain. :/

I was wanting to do navy and browns, with maybe a shot of purple here and there-?

The purple idea is only because I have a cute belt I love...
and Kate has some fun purple shoes.
But we'll see about the purple, I don't know...

I think I have everyone else's outfits together~

Is that totally weird I lay them all out..... ;)

But trying to pull something together for myself tonight left me frustrated!!

I concluded, "I need a girls advice..." {my husband wasn't any help - he liked them all} ;)

So.... what's your opinion?

Choice One:
{purple shirt. beige sweater - which I'll iron. navy skirt
-and very bad lighting in my room}

Choice Two:
{the shirt is more of a taupe.. which I'm not sure blends w/ the browns?
I have a cream shrug I could wear over.. also have the same belt in purple...
gotta love Forever21 - only $3.50}

Choice Three:
{cream shirt. tan jacket. purple flower belt}

And boots or heels?

Thanks to my little photog Kate who took the shots for me~

Look forward to hearing what you think...

a.

*edit.{1:30 p.m.} looks like thephotos will be tomorrow instead..
kinda yuck wet weather today from a hard rain last night.
hoping for sunny sunshine tomorrow!
AND.. gives me more time to work on an outfit. ;)
thanks for the help - I've gotten some ideas.*

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 02:50:26 GMT

{A bumpy ride}

It had been One.Of.Those.Days.

I got home yesterday afternoon after being gone over the weekend,
so this morning was back to reality in it's fullest...

a little girl who wet the bed and had to be in the tub at o'dark something.
school projects that couldn't be found -
only to find I'd thrown away the school project!!!
oopps.
(common occurrence around here...
my husband jokes if he sat still long enough I'd throw him away) ;)
kids rooms that looked like mom hadn't been here all weekend.
with dishes and laundry to match.
with quarrely kids to match.
with stuffy nose/ sick with cold mom to match..
equaling crankiness all around!

In the afternoon we set out for music lessons.
Running late.. but, of course!
Couldn't be music lessons if we weren't late. ;)
(I think the teacher tells me the lessons are a half hour earlier than they are -
because she never acts overly bothered....
we're probably getting there right on time!!)

The way there is through farm country.
Very narrow roads without any shoulder on the side.

Ben and Emma had been fussing at each other...
and I was trying to give my "treat others as you want to be treated" speech.
I turned around to make eye contact with Ben to drive home a point,
when Kate said all too calmly, in her Kate kind of voice...

"Uh... MOM!"

I looked up to see a mailbox directly in front of me...
and before I had time to figure out why in the world a mailbox was in the middle of the road,
I slammed into it and watched it fly straight up in the air!

About the time it sunk in that the mailbox was not in the middle of the road,
but rather WE WERE OFF IT!
I hit another and saw it go flying also...

I tried pulling the van back up, but it was muddy
and our right side was down pretty deep in the ditch....

I think it fully sunk in on me what was happening
when I saw the next thing we would hit would be
a telephone pole...

I jerked the wheel up hard.

....we came back on the road swerving from side to side.
I could hear the sound of brakes squealing from somewhere off in the distance it seemed.

All I could think was ...

"What are you supposed to do when you're sliding on ice?"

Guess I thought sliding on pavement factored in that category too..

I was pretty sure the van was going to flip.

After what seemed like a terribly long, long pause
of waiting and wondering what was going to happen next -
suddenly we stopped.
Sideways, and on the other side of the road...
with burnt rubber behind us,
and smoke coming out of the engine in front.

I turned the wheel and got back on the right side...
immediately hearing a thump.thump.thump.
and knowing the tire was flat.

I pulled in the nearest driveway and got out.
The damage was worse than I thought.
And when I looked back up the road at the tire tracks
off the road with the trail of mud and rubber marks that
followed back up on the road...

I think only then did my heart start racing fast and tears instantly rise to my eyes at the realization of how bad it could have been.

The lady at the house we pulled into had been mowing her lawn...
she quickly came over asking if we were alright.
She was a sweet grandmotherly type too.
Exactly the comfort I needed at that moment.

She kept saying...

"Are you sure you're okay honey. You look awfully pale...
come sit down on my porch.. do you have a husband to call?
You want a soda? I think you need a soda. Kids, you want a soda?
Come on up... sit down... let me get you something cold to drink...."

Her name was Sharon. And I want to take her back a gift for her kindness~

Shayne got there eventually.
The van had to be towed.

We piled in his truck to head home...
stopping at the houses whose mailboxes I'd taken out -
to explain what had happened and let them know we'd be
replacing them....

As Shayne was talking to the man at the first house I looked on
either side of the drive and saw my tire tracks through the yard....

Two things came to mind -

a). Life is about people. precious eternal souls....

And that's pretty much it.

All this other stuff...

nice homes filled with nice things.
school projects.
things that break
get ruined and wrecked...

none of it matters.

none of it.

And 2). Life is about perspective....

not sitting thinking and wondering...

"Why us, God? Why did you let this happen...?"

Instead.. seeing those tire marks within inches of that telephone pole and concluding - -

"Wow! Thank you God ... you were with us. You protected us. You kept us."

How many times in life do we not even know of the "telephone poles" He's kept us from crashing into!!!

Perspective.

"Why me?" or "Wow God!"

I still feel my heart begin to pump faster as it all flashes back in my mind...
you always live with the "what if's?" for awhile after something like that.

I've never had any kind of car accident in my life - - so just everything considered...
was pretty shaken about it. I think I'm feeling guilty too...
Was I driving too fast?
Not paying attention?
I shouldn't have turned around to look at Ben!
I should have been more on time for lessons!

just some emotions I'm sure I'll process in the next few days...

Still - - ultimately though just completely, utterly, undoubtedly so grateful
for His protection.. the gentle reminders of the eternal..
self pity versus seeing God in everything...
the gift of my children... of my husband..
of the lady on the lawn mower.

we truly are in His hands.

I trust in you, O Lord;
I say, 'You are my God.'
My times are in your hand. Psalm 31:14,15.

-------

After we had pulled over to the driveway
I got out and opened the side door for Emma.

She stood up from her seat and sorta peered out
looking back and forth
with a rather cautious look on her face...

I suppose when she assessed all was now safe she jumped down
with her usual energy and looked up at me with a huge grin...

"Whoa mommy... Dat was wheelly a bumpy wide.....!!"

"It sure was a bumpy ride, baby."

I smiled.

then sighed.

Glad tomorrow is a new day!! :)

amber.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 02:28:50 GMT

{Growing Up}

A few days ago on the 10th
my Kate turned 12!

I really can't believe it.
Seriously.
I mean I've been there -
I should know where the last dozen years have went..
but honestly,
for the life of me,
I don't! :)

I remember the night she was born like it was yesterday...
I think it was just yesterday?
I guess I blinked somewhere between then and now
and here we are with a halfway woman on our hands!

Shayne said to me not long ago,
"do you realize that the majority of her years with us are over?
... if she decides to go to college or marries at the age you did!"

I still haven't forgiven him for telling me that. :/

Every child is so amazingly unique and special~
I love the diversity God came up with when He
created people! :)

But there's just something about your first child...
The one responsible for giving you the name "Mom" to begin with.

I laugh now looking back at all the high and lofty thoughts I had
about parenting..
obviously - BEFORE I was one!!

Two things I so clearly remember thinking when I was pregnant with Kate~
1.) I will never lose my cool and yell at my kids. and 2.) This is going to be such an easy job!

Both thoughts were pretty much shot down within the first 48 hours~ :)

Of course I knew my love for my kids would be overwhelming -
I guess that's why I thought I'd never yell and find it all so loddy-da easy.
But what I didn't realize was that just as overwhelming was the selfishness-
anchored deep in my heart...
and not really knowing how deep,
until I became a mom.

I'd like to say my love was greater...
but often it wasn't - and isn't.

But thank the Lord HIS love is greater~
how I need Him c.o.n.s.t.a.n.t.l.y in this whole motherhood thing.

Having a girl[s] intrigues me.
and yes.. baffles me at times. :)
I was raised with all brothers.
Grew up in a neighborhood of all boys.
Hung around boys more.
Understood boys more.

So... learning girls has been new territory.

And then - Enter:Hormones??

OH DEAR! *sigh*

But this journey..
though at times paved with alot of tears. frustration. and exasperation -
From us both! :)
And more prayer than I ever thought I'd need for this "easy, I'll never yell" job.
...has been the greatest GIFT in my life!

To say I've learned things from my daughter is a given..
but to say I've learned more of who I am because of her..
that part has kinda surprised me along the way.

Seeing through her, more of the woman God desires me to be.
Discovering things inside that I could not and would not have known any other way~

Kids reveal who we truly are - and not simply who we think we are.

I guess I never knew that while my kids were growing up..
I'd be GROWING UP right along side them! :)

= = ~ = = ~ = =

Celebrating Kate!

12 Things I love about her ::

She has such a soft, tender heart.
She seeks to walk with God.
She forgives quickly.
She loves easily.
She serves genuinely.
She laughs alot.
She thinks of others.
She looks like her daddy.
She acts like her daddy.
She is peaceful.
She wants to do what's right.
She is loyal.

= = ~ = = ~ = =

12 Things I've Learned about Motherhood from her life ::

-Hugs can speak louder than words. {and hugs should last longer than 2 seconds}
-Don't assume everything is okay in your child's heart. {ask. and ask again. and then ask some more.. some hearts are harder to pry open}
-Kids might remember what you say, but they will mimic what you do. {so don't be confused at why they're acting like they are}
-Talk often about God together. {questions & doubts included}
-Pray often to God together. {questions & doubts included}
-Encourage unconditional love. {live it}
-Remember they're learning. So are you. {ask forgiveness quickly}
-It's okay for them to occasionally go out in public looking like street urchins. {you know they're not and that's all that matters}
-Make time. {when it comes to their lives you really do have all the time in the world}
-Let them paint, use playdough, make messes. {kitchen tables and carpet can always be replaced-memories can't}
-Don't forget that though they're so much like you - they're not you. {and they need to know you're okay with that}
-Choose your battles wisely. {make sure it's really about what's right - and not merely saving face}

= = ~ = = ~ = =

And just a personal note to Kate ::

How blessed I am that 12 years ago my life forever changed when you entered it!
I can't really even put into words the joy I feel...
Watching your beautiful heart.
Seeing the young woman God is making you into.
I'm so proud of you.
And have learned much from your young life.

Of all the girls in all the world I'm glad we got YOU!

I know the years to come will hold lots more growing up... for us both. :)
But it's going to be one fun adventure!

Happy Birthday SweetKates <3

Love you forever & ever,

mom

Monday, October 12, 2009

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 02:57:50 GMT

We were headed to church this morning~
listening to a cd of praise&worship songs when,
"It Is Well With My Soul" came on.

I turned to Shayne,
"I hope they don't sing this at church today..."
{to which it was my first Sunday back in almost a month}

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I think if they do I'll cry. And I just kinda feel... "

My voice trailed off as I looked out the window.
He squeezed my hand - He knew.

I really love music. Everything about it.

I often find myself intrigued by the power it holds.
Why God created it - ?
How awesome that He did!

It's a bit "weird " maybe..
but there's times I find myself holding a thought
or struggle right about here {stretches arm out}..
You know - trying to keep it at a distance.
Not wanting to look at it.
acknowledge it.
deal with it.

Then. I hear a song or begin to sing one...
and find the "thing" I wasn't really wanting to see..
suddenly staring me in the face!

This is just my theory.. but I think God uses music to help open our emotions.

So. I was kinda feeling like I wasn't sure if I wanted
my emotions opened on this one this morning...
was I really ready to uninhibitedly sing, "It Is Well With My Soul?"

Do you know where this story is going?
Are you smiling yet?

Guess what song they sung at church!

As the words went up all around me -
"When peace like a river attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll...."
I felt Shayne's arm slip around my waist.

But I have to admit - I kinda surprised myself..
As the question held at arms length came pouring in through that song,
"Is it well in my soul~ am I at peace?"
I found myself instead of what I thought might be there,
filled with an overwhelming sense of gratefulness as the answer
yeS! answered back in my heart..

I thought about the author behind the words of that song.
Words penned from such unfathomable loss and heartache.
And I was reminded all over again...
that no matter what it is we're facing~
no.matter.what.it.is.
We don't have to allow our circumstances to silence our song.

We all have points of pain..
those things that hold the potential to steal our joy..
diminish our praise.

whether the loss of a baby.
or a loved one.
a teenager that's breaking your heart.
or a spouse.
the stress of financial strains.
a job in jeopardy.
a future unsure.
young children that constantly need you.
big children that think they don't.
lessons learned and relearned.
and learned again.
washing machines that grow clothes
you never knew you had.
dishes that seem endlessly dirty....

Whatever it is that is overwhelming you at the moment,
fact is~ IT IS!

And I simply want to encourage anyone reading this -

Don't allow that "thing"..
to take away the song God has for you,
wants for you,
intends for YOU!

I know there's times in life where it's easier to belt it out:
And times where you can barely make an audible whisper~

Regardless of volume -

Sing Away!

~ "9.And they sung a new song, saying... for thou wast slain, and hast redeemed us to God by thy blood out of every kindred, and tongue, and people, and nation; 10. And hast made us unto our God kings and priests: and we shall reign on the earth.11. And I heard the voice of many angels round about the throne.. and the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands; 12. Saying with a loud voice, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honor, and glory, and blessing. 13. And every creature which is in heaven, and on earth, and under the earth, and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, heard I saying, Blessing and honor, and glory and power, be unto Him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb forever and ever. 14. And the four beasts said, Amen. And the four and twenty elders fell down and worshipped Him that liveth forever and ever." {Rev. 5: 9~14}

And don't ever think you're singing all alone in your own little corner of the world somewhere~

There is a song of praise that is FOREVER being sung...

and we have the privilege of joining in!!!

wow.

:)