February 23, 2010

• {a little baby miracle}
  
  Last Wednesday is when it started…

  That familiar cramping down low that made my heart race with worry.
  Then, the dreaded bleeding. Not much, but enough.

  It stopped for about 24hrs. Coming back late Thursday night.

  I had been sitting up trying to watch the men’s figure skating finals..
  wanting to see if the American was going to edge out the Russian…
  but my stomach began hurting so bad I had to go to bed.

  As Shayne prayed with me, I curled up in a ball and cried.

  Was God really going to ask us to walk this road again?

  I tried to not have my mind go to, “what if?”
  But couldn’t.

  The next morning I called my midwife who, of course, wanted me in for a sonogram.

  I almost didn’t go.
  What was the point?
  Part of me would rather wait it out at home and hold on to hope!

  Shayne thought it was best we did.

  I laid on the table in the dark room, just as I had done one week earlier..
  and anxiously watched the screen on the wall.

  I haven’t the slightest education in the medical field..
  but I’d “been there, done that” enough times that I knew what I was looking for.

  The sonogram technician zoomed up on a large black {empty} circle and began clicking on her machine,
  taking measurements and typing things in.

  I didn’t say a word.
  Tears fell quietly down the sides of my cheeks into my ears.

  

  Finally the silence broke.

  “I’m sorry, hon. I’m not seeing the baby. And there’s no heartbeat. I’m going to get one of the midwives to talk with you guys….”

  I dressed quickly, and walked down the hall to the office.
  I sat in the chair as Shayne stood. Staring out the window.

  I knew I couldn’t say anything to him. I’d just fall apart.
  And I’m kind of a private sort of falling apart person..
  So. I held it in.

  After an eternity the midwife finally came.
  I felt like my head was in a fog…
  I could see her mouth moving and hear her words as if they were in slow motion.
  It was words I’d heard before…

  “It appears this isn’t a pregnancy that’s going to take off. Your body is the gatekeeper and knows when something’s not right..
  there’s no reason why you can’t carry a healthy pregnancy in the future. There’s no medical explanation for these things….”

  Shayne asked about the healthy sonogram the week before,
  and she fluttered around in her papers saying she hadn’t seen that in her records…
  Apologizing profusely now that she hadn’t been aware of that and realizing since we’d already seen baby and heard a strong heartbeat, this was extra difficult.

  But still, she said based upon the sonogram she was pretty confident this pregnancy had terminated itself.
  Telling me to wait it out over the weekend and come back in on Tuesday {today} for a follow up sonogram…
  explaining that she felt I would probably miscarry over the next few days, and if not, they’d want to see what was going on and possibly get me set up for a d&c.

  I felt like I had cement in my shoes as I walked to the front desk to schedule another appointment…
  Shayne knows me so well. He did all the talking for me.
  We walked through the waiting room of pregnant women and infants.
  To the elevators.. down through the main lobby.. out the door.. across the parking lot…
  Once in the van I just buried my head in Shayne’s shoulder and wept.

  I feel perfectly content with three children, if that’s God’s number for us…
  but to give us another life only to take it away seemed cruel.

  I’m not going to even pretend I tried quoting Scripture to myself or believing God was good.
  There was alot of ugly that came out of my heart that night and early morning…

  By Saturday afternoon I felt… I can’t even really describe it. Cleansed is the word that comes to mind.
  My heart was still so full of questions and doubt and worry, and I couldn’t even really let my mind go to what seemed to be happening.

  I determined I wasn’t going to conclude anything until our next sonogram on Tuesday.
  So… I waited.

  As it got closer I felt a strange mixture of dread and peace.

  Amazing, the peace seemed most dominant as we were getting ready to leave this morning.

  Emma said to me…

  “Mommy, you doeing to da doctors to see if our baby has moved away?”

  “Yes, sweetheart…”

  She came over and touched my hand.

  “Well, if our baby has moved away don’t try .” {cry}

  Which of course, made me cry.

  

  We had to take Shayne’s rumbly black truck because the van had a flat tire?
  I sat among all the tools and stared out at the drizzly rain.
  Feeling, somewhere.. deep down inside me a whisper saying, “I trust you Lord.”

  We got in right away, no wait. Which I was glad about…

  The sonogram tech read my chart and asked some questions, which Shayne answered.
  She was very sweet telling us she knew exactly what we were going through. She had too.

  I told myself I wasn’t even going to watch the screen this time.
  But. of course I did.

  At first I saw the familiar black empty circle.
  The tech moved the probe around and I thought…
  I thought I caught a glimpse of another black circle with something…
  Was that something?

  “Is that…”

  I began to ask.

  The tech was ahead of me.

  “Hold on a second here. Let me go back there….”

  All of a sudden there WAS something.
  This tiny perfectly formed baby… and it was jumping and moving.
  It’s little hand going back and forth…

  The tech said she couldn’t believe it.

  “Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness.” She kept repeating…

  “That is very much a baby and it’s very much alive!!”

  She played the heartbeat and it was a wonderful 160 strong!!

  I started to cry right out loud. So much for my private falling apart thing.
  The tech started crying too…

  She said she had never seen anything like that in her career.
  {a sonogram reading pregnancy gone, to a sonogram showing.. no it wasn’t!}

  “My hands are just shaking, I’m so excited.” She kept saying as she took the measurements and commented on how “bouncy” baby was.

  Of course then there were so many questions.
  What had happened? How could that be possible?

  One of the doctors of the practice over the midwives met with us…
  he said that he felt like the sonogram tech last Friday had simply missed the baby.
  {it was a different tech than we had today}
  Though she was a tech who had been doing that for 40 years!?

  And as the doctor assured us everything looked great,
  all I could think about was the verse that says…
  “My substance was not hid from THEE.”

  This little one had been hidden to us, to the highly efficient medical equipment and medical staff…
  but never. not once. was he hidden from the Lord.

  And my heart is just filled with so many many things..
  that it would take an entire other post to write about.

  But I wanted to share our “miracle” with you…
  I know so many of you have prayed for this little one.
  And I’m grateful and humbled and in awe -
  I honestly believe God has heard.

  “I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me….  The Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation. Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous: the Lord’s right hand has done mighty things! The Lord’s right hand is lifted high! the Lord’s right hand has done mighty things!”  Psalm.118

  We’ve had alot of shouts of joy round here today!! 

   

  “There are two ways to live life… one as if nothing is a miracle, and one as if everything is!”

  amber.

  ps. my mom says if this is a boy she’s calling him, “Lazarus!

  • 6:09 pm
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