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| {new blog}
we moved to a new country..
and i moved to a new blog.
here:: grace_to_be
pop on over and check it out. :)
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(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber
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| {my last post}
There are so many things I want to say. To write and express.
And the words are there. I can see them.
Like floating scrabble pieces in my mind.
But when I reach for them and try to make some sort of sense in connecting sentences I find myself freezing up....
This is my last post to write from this house. We're headed out on Sunday. Tomorrow will be a whirlwind of activity. Of packing and saying goodbye. My eyes stop and stare for a minute at those last two words. saying goodbye?" I hear them repeat back inside me. And feel my heart tighten as I start to miss the familiar, even now.
I was packing the last of the boxes upstairs this afternoon and walking from room to room to make sure we had everything. I found myself standing for awhile in each one. Shutting my eyes and lifting my face upward and just listening. Listening to the memories that echo so loudly inside those walls. The talks and the tears and the laughter. How that in these rooms I've learned to be a better mom. A better wife. What it means to surrender my will and find something sweeter in His. To know the joy of a family who loves you. And the security that they do no matter what. I think of the friends who've passed through here. The parties and fun and eating we've done together. The crazy games and my furniture getting destroyed. :)
I stopped and looked out the window in Ben's room for a long time. Letting my eyes go slowly around the yard, taking it all in. The long lane up to the house... recalling all the walks to the mailbox down it. The snow covered icy attempts up it. The welcome sight it always was after a long trip.
I saw the tire swing too. Gently rocking back and forth in the chilly fall wind. It looks lonely. And I hope whoever rents this house after us will have children. And maybe they too will enjoy hours of exhilaration, flying high with toes pointed as far as they can, trying to touch the sky!
From my bedroom window I saw my flower gardens. Brown and lifeless now. But I know.. know of the beauty that's there. And they'll continue to bloom their artwork and bring someone else the smiles of satisfaction they brought me through the years.
There's the field beyond the house -- where Ben would ride his dirt bike. where a million pictures were taken in the tall yellow grass. where our dog, Skylar is buried. and where times of frustration were walked off in countless circles around it.
Back in the summer, when I first knew we'd be moving, I said to Shayne one day, "I'm going to miss this house."
"I thought you always hated it." He laughed.
But I wasn't talking about the moldy basement and sunken ceilings in the kids rooms. I was talking about what we've become in our years living here. How I feel in so many ways that this is the house I grew up in. "This house that built me."
Last night as I locked the door before going to bed, I was thinking of how spooked I was when we first moved here. Living way out in the country in the middle of a cornfield! But I learned to be brave here. To find courage and face my fears. And that goes way beyond just knowing where the shotgun shells are hidden.
And it's hard. Hard to say goodbye to our home of 12 years. But the goodbye's to come tomorrow of those we love. Gulp. They are a home to me of another kind. Holding so much of what I consider the dearest and most precious to me.
My mom came to get Reese this afternoon... she said she just wanted to hold her the whole day!
Suddenly, that thought makes me want to call Shayne right now, who's on his way back from Canada, and tell him the whole thing's off. ;)
But. pause. "When my heart is overwhelmed... lead me to the ROCK {steadfast.strong.unmoveable}that is higher than I." ps.61:2
And there. Upon that strength, I find the courage to pack one more box. It's not a tangible one. Like these big, brown, smelly ones surrounding me. It's small and tucked back in a place inside me not very many people ever see. And I pull it out. Like I've done over and over again throughout my life...and take all the deepest, most sensitive parts of my heart, gather them up in somewhat of a crumpled heap and place them inside.
And the label I mark on it isn't, "storage," or "Canada."
It's says simply, "His."
Because I am.
That's why when everything inside you wants to stay, you can put your hand in The One who knows what He's doing and where He's leading. And that hand holding yours holds something else too - a precious imprint of a scar that reminds you... reminds you He knows a thing or two about pain and surrender and leaving His home for another.
Oh the winds of change,
They blow slow and cool!
Oh the wandering of a fool,
But I have laid it down,
In my Father's hands,
Where the weight of suffering,
Is carried by the arms of a cross,
Healing my loss...
Where I can walk,
Where I can run,
Where my heart sings,
And I feel the sun,
Where I can trust,
And I'm strong enough,
Free like the wind,
I'll run into my Father's arms
Finally home.
See you on the other side as gracetobe~ where it's certainly going to be enough!
amber.
p.s. thanKs for all the input on the new blog name.
in the end it was between placesofgrace & gracetobe.
i loved them both and couldn't decide.. so i let shayne. :)
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| {14 years}
603.334.0019
National Passport Center
31 Rochester Ave.
Portsmouth, New Hampshire 03801
vital statics 573.751.6387 / town hall
Ha! this is such a good example of my life right now...
When the passport office called me this morning I had nothing to write on, and since my xanga page was open I wrote down the info here. I thought I'd share just in case any of you need an expedited passport in the next 5 days.. above is the number to call. Ya never know! :)
I guess there was a discrepancy with my previous passport because it showed my place of birth being in Michigan, instead of Missouri. Apparently, I put MI on my last application some 15 years ago, instead of MO. But of course since I've been homeschooling my kiddos all these years, I now know the proper abbreviation of Missouri... so on my latest application I had the right letters for the state! But now they need my "original state issued, not hospital issued, embossed raised seal" birth certificate. Proving my place of birth is indeed Springfield, Missouri instead of the imaginary Springfield, Michigan.
Though Springfield, Michigan sounds like as good a place as any to be born! I'm just wanting to get all this in order so I can be sure to get back for Thanksgiving in a few weeks! That would be pretty sad if they let everyone else across the border except the one true American in our family. The kids are all dual - so they're technically only half. ;)
Hard to believe it was just a little past this date 14 years ago that I moved to Canada for the first time as a new bride~ now, here I am.. celebrating 14 years of marriage today and very shortly, moving there again!
Funny how life is a constant wheel of the same things - each time they come round you recognize the familiar, yet still feel slightly off balance by the new different they bring along also.
*****
It seems weird to think of being married for 14 years though...
I remember wondering when I wouldn't feel like a newlywed anymore. At which year does that feeling go away? You'd think by 14 we'd have that whole matured marital thing going on.. but nope. 14 years in and I still feel like one {totally blind by love and not having a clue in the world what I just said "yes" to!} ;)
I have to say our 14th anniversary wasn't marked by the same traditions of years past... full of romantic things and dinner at the Melting Pot like I had anticipated. Most of the day Shayne was downstairs packing boxes, and I was upstairs in bed. Still fighting off a fever I've had since Saturday from a breast infection. But there's still been a celebration of sorts going on... only quieter. Inside of us. Exchanged here and there throughout the day in glances and sweet words, hugs and a few tears. And I find myself even among the disappointment of things not going as planned and unkept dinner reservations, somehow treasuring this anniversary above any of the others.
Our relationship just seems more real than it ever has been. As strange as that may sound. More honest and committed and determined. Realizing once more, and yet in a whole new way {see, here's that wheel of life again- same, but different} what genuine love really is. And no, as nice as they are, it's not roses and fancy dinners and frilly lingerie. They're only extras. But certainly not the stuff genuine love is made from or built upon.
On Friday night when this fever first kicked in I woke with chills so bad my teeth were chattering together. That was a long night. I was in so much discomfort, and so weak... Shayne had to help me walk to the bathroom. And dry me off after a bath trying to get warm. And hold my glass of water because my hands were shaking so bad. He sat up into the wee hours of the morning rubbing my back, talking softly to me and praying for me.
I cried lots too. Not from pain, from frustration
I mean, I'm someone who just never gets sick. Really. Like, hardly ever! But it seems since Reese was born it's been one thing after another.. my heart {which I got the results and have to go in for more tests!}. and hemorrhoids {I know, gross. but sometimes life is}. and poison ivy {I look like I have leprosy}. and now a breast infection {plain unpleasant}. Looking at that list makes me laugh {almost}. It just so does not sound like me. :)
At one point Friday night I said through my tears, "I'm such a mess!"
And Shayne answered, "Well, you sure look like a beautiful mess to me."
His words made tears roll even harder down my face. Though he didn't know it.
There I was - so vulnerable and just... just unlovely in every way.
And there he was - loving me still.
It brings tears to my eyes even now to write about it. Because that - THAT is what genuine love looks like!
As I lay there curled up in a vulnerable heap. Feeling awful and looking even more so. Just completely needing encouragement and kindness and unconditional... everything! The thought so completely swept over me that this is exactly the kind of love God wants among His people... the "I'm in this with you" kind of love. And I found my mind turning from my own sickness to that of another kind. The lack of grace and forgiveness and judgmental pride, even the downright meanness that permeates through so many of our churches.
I've talked to dozens of Christians that confirm their severest persecution and pain has come through other Christians!
Those times when they needed someone to simply come along side of them with a pat of quiet acceptance... Or help steady them when things felt shaky... Or stick it out with them when they were struggling through a dark night of the soul. In their time of weakness and vulnerability did they find that kind of love among Christians? The thing that's supposed to mark us as HIS. The sad answer, more often than not, is no. Instead, they were met with anything but that kind of love.
Ya know, it's easy to extend love when someone appears "worthy of it" {in our opinion}. Somehow we determine who deserves it and who doesn't. I guess it might have been easier for Shayne to love me the other night if I had gotten up and combed my hair, brushed my teeth, and maybe put a little deodorant on... looked more the part of a good wife. Instead. He loved me as I was! Do we as the body of Christ do that? Love others as they are... or feel we can't until they look the part of the good Christian they're supposed to {or more accurately what we say a good christian is supposed to look like}.
It's often when someone seems the least deserving that love is needed most. After all, isn't that what Christ did for us? And aren't we to be reflecting Him~ "Let this mind be in you that was also in Christ Jesus..."
I am so glad that I didn't have to be good enough before the Lord reached out to me in His grace and mercy. And still... that His love is not reliant on anything I do. It just is. Always. Unconditional. Eternal. Oh, you don't know how happy that makes me. You can't see it but I'm smiling. Really!
Even when I feel like a mess {because I am} He loves me.
Man, to be able to take that love - His love - and have a life that it flows out of to those around me. Starting in my home. My church. The world. That's what I want. An unclogged heart that gushes His love. I think the only way we get that is by first recognizing the blaring reality of how much it's been given to us!
I'm grateful for Shayne's example to me in this. How it stirred my heart and drew me closer to him.. and ultimately, closer to my Savior.
Thanks, babe. It's been quite the journey these past 14 years and I'm glad to be learning along side of you!
*****
I went down earlier around dinnertime and was met by these.
 
Love that vase! All our pretty ones are packed away. :)
Shayne surprised me with my favorite chicken bbq pizza from Dewey's. We sat in the living room and ate it on cardboard boxes marked with either "storage," or "Canada," and sipped sparkling red grape juice from plastic cups. Certainly not the Melting Pot - but atleast I got to wear my pajama's!
Kate gave us a pumpkin she had painted with S+A on it. Emma made a sweet card that she read out loud to us with a bunch of flowers taped on the outside with duct tape. And Ben gave us some of his halloween candy.
And tonight ... as I think back over this day the specialness of it makes me feel very content inside~
Below is a slide show I made up more for the kids, but thought I'd post since we didn't take any pictures this year.
Emma did inform me however that she didn't like my hair when I was a bride.
"It's too fluffy..."
"You mean on top?"
"No. all ober!"
Actually. She's right.
{turn off my playlist if you watch - the songs sound horrible together!} :)
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(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber
p.s. thanks to all my girlfriends who were praying for me today... I really feel God's healing touch and I'm doing so much better tonight! love you all.
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| {deciding on a new name}
I guess maybe it's time to finally change my username after all these years.
Hutch5 doesn't fit us anymore. :)
Of course the obvious is simply changing it to Hutch6~
but for some reason that one just doesn't jive with me.
It doesn't have the same ring or something.
Like when you stand on top of a mountain and shout it out really loud 10 times...
Try it. It just doesn't work.
Besides, I feel like we're about to embark on something different in our lives -
more than just a new chapter, a whole new book.
An adventure like we've never had.
Not merely standing on the edge of the unknown - but jumping out into it's dark abyss.
And not a little jump either...
the kind you back way up for, run as hard as you can, shut your eyes extra tight, heart pounding out of your chest, and. JUMP!
Hoping somehow you'll land on your feet and not die in the process. :)
So...
a new name on the place I document our crazy wonderful journey only seems right.
One night, back when I was on bedrest, but not sleeping :) .. I played around on Picnik with the ones I was thinking about.
Here they are - tell me which one you like best::
I will say, I like the "grace" ones more than the "focus" ones...
Since I'm feelin G.R.A.C.E is sorta, kinda, totally, completely the theme of our lives right now! :)
****~ **
We're planning on doing our annual family Christmas pics on Saturday, so I'm working/ trying to decide on outfits.
Here's our family shoots from years past - just for fun. 07.08.09.
I've never been a huge RED person, but found these shoes at Baby Gap and loved and bought.
Is it bad to plan a whole photo shoot around a pair of shoes??
I'm thinking black and white w. some great splashes of red here and there.
And this chair... it would fit nicely too.
Are your Christmas pictures done yet?
Do you get stressed with the process...
or, I should say, does your husband and kids get stressed with the process? ;)
I admit I always feel a bit nervous cause I have this "artsy vision" in my head of what I want it to look like -
and no, not just the given expectation of everyone looking at the camera at the same time and no fingers up noses {yes, that includes adults too}.
And if this poison ivy doesn't clear up by then remember when you get your Christmas card I do not have a strange birth mark or was recently rescued from a burning building! I did say I wanted splashes of red here and there didn't I... 
¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber
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| {looking for the lovely}
Today it rained.
Like one of those chilly fallish kind of rains that causes you to reach for your favorite gray knee socks and coziest sweater - you know the one, with the little lint balls all over it and maybe a hole under the arm..
I stood at the back door for awhile and watched the rain pour down. Noticing the few remaining leaves on the trees whipping and shaking in the wind.. as if holding on to their branches for dear life not wanting to let go. Tonight, the big huge oak outside my bedroom window is much emptier now. I think in the end the wind won. Now the leaves lay in a wet lifeless heap on the ground underneath. I find a melancholy settle over me as the thought comes to mind that I won't be here in the spring to see that tree in all it's glory once again.
And suddenly I realize.. I'm going to miss that tree.
Is that dumb. To miss a tree?
If it is that's okay. I'll be the dumb person who's going to miss a tree.
But if a tree could talk, man oh, man the stories it could tell of our times here!
Standing as a wooden guard by our house over the last 12 years...
creating the perfect shade for picnics and dream of a climbing tree for the kids.
But.. I didn't mean to write a post about a tree.
I guess I was just thinking out loud there a minute...
What I was going to write about was the gorgeous day we had before the rainy one -
and how glad I was that Emma and I took a walk on that day and gathered up all the pretty things we could find.
 
 
...it struck me when we were walking how that from inside our house looking out things didn't seem too colorful or inviting... but when we got out and looked for the beauty we found it! sometime things in life appear worse than what they are, simply because we choose to stay in the box we've created around ourselves.. instead of being willing to step out and look for the good {the beauty} in the situation. Sure, it's not always easy to spot. We might have to search a bit, dig a little deeper, and even push a few things aside - like I had to do for some of the pretty berries and flowers that were buried beneath the dead leaves. But, if we're wanting to see it, wanting to find it, we certainly will!
That was a good lesson to me in searching for the lovely in the drab times of life... even though it might seem from first glance there's none to be had!
{i loved the different color berries we found}
We brought all our little finds home and spread them on the kitchen table.
Emma decided we should open a flower shop, telling me-
"you do the debt-or-ating wif our stuff and i will do the money..."
(: Sounded like a good arrangement to me.
Actually, she turned out to be a good little business woman...
making eight dollars and something from the guys who work for Shayne!
One of them asked her how much for one of the leaves and she said,
"Two dollars."
"Well, let me get my wallet from my car..."
Emma looked up. Eyes wide with surprise and answered,
"You are weally doeing to div me TWO DOLFERS for dat!!"
 
 
Later while Kate was at ballet Emma wanted to go somewhere and spend her newly found business fortune.
After walking the toy aisles of Target for the whole hour and half time slot we had before picking Kate back up,
she finally settled on a generic rubik's cube. hello kitty lip gloss. and a small plastic laptop.
In the checkout lane she fumbled with her Barbie wallet, spilling the quarters nickels dimes and 12 million pennies all over the floor.
When the lady told her the total she handed her the fist full of change she'd just scooped off the floor...
"No, baby... " I corrected. "You need your big money."
I reached into her clutched Barbie wallet and pulled out the singles.
"But I want to pay wif these..." She said, bending down to pick up more of the spilled coins.
"It doesn't work that way, sweetie.." I explained as I attempted to count out the waded bills, aware of the impatient looking lady in line behind us.
Now my kids have never been public fit throwers. Key word on public. They each know how to throw a royal dish of a fit in their own right just fine... But suddenly, Emma {very publicly} flung the change in her hand back on the floor and grabbed my leg, burying her head in it and crying loudly.
"But I don't want to div dat wady my money...!!!"
I patted my heartbroken child on the head as I handed over her prized dollar bills and felt very much like the scary looking old men in the bank scene of Mary Poppins singing, "Tuppence," as they greedily eyed the coin in Michael's hand. I could feel the stares of the fellow shoppers and wanted to turn around and explain, "Look, people.. she WANTED to buy these things. I'm not some mean mom making my daughter spend her money when she doesn't want to!!!"
I paid for my own things. Gathered our bags. And limped out with my sobbing 5 year old still attached to my leg.
In the van as we talked things through I asked her if she wanted to return what she had bought -
She told me, no. She wanted those things. But she wanted her money too!
Oh, don't we all. ;)
I tried making her understand it just didn't work that way, but wasn't sure she really got it.
But this morning when she woke me up with,
"O-tay. Dis is what I doeing to do. Take my fings to da store and det dem to div me my money back! Den... you tan buy me dose fings wif YOUR money!"
Hmm. On second thought. Yeah. She got it!
And I'm thinking there's a future in there as a business woman after all. ;)
 
{picnik has a new textures effect that i had fun trying out and playing around with}
 
I don't think our little flower shop venture worked out so well for me though - -
I started itching something fierce last night and woke up to a nasty rash all over my neck!
Apparently one of the lovely red leaves I pulled was poison ivy!!!
I've never had it in my life, and man! hope it's the last.
My grandma was telling me when she was a girl, going to school in a one room school house that one of the things the girls would do at recess was find a poison ivy leaf and write the name of the boy they liked on their arm. Then, when they broke out in the rash it spelled out the name!! Hmm.. I told her they must have been short on entertainment back then. ;)
Well, I've been jumping up and down throughout trying to write this to take care of one fussy little Reese.
Not sure if I ate something she's not liking or what..
sure hoping she doesn't get this poison ivy - is it contagious?
I should google it. But google usually freaks me out more than helps.
She's finally settled and I think is sleeping, which means I should be too. :)
So, one last slathering of Caladryl and I'm off to bed!
¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber
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