I've always been a firm believer that you can do whatever you set your mind too...
However, over the last 4 weeks that theory is quickly losing truth with me.
Back in May, Kate and Ben auditioned for Hello Dolly with a summer theater group here in our city. It's mainly made up of 5th through college age kids. This year though, the director decided to open it up to those "older." :) ... and since I figured I'd be with the kids at practice anyway, why not give it a shot and audition too~
The three of us were pretty excited to see the cast list finally posted and find ALL our names on it!!
...Though my excitement has/is quickly fading, and in it's place I feel a kind of numb awareness sinking in more and more that, this dancing stuff isn't for sissies!! :) Goodness, but it's hard!! And I'm for sure I'm not even DOING the "hard stuff."
I have never had any kind of formal dance training. I've never really even danced much in my life, period. Except if you count in the kitchen with my husband... and those aren't exactly broadway musical numbers!! ;)
So this has been quite the experience...
After practice last night I felt like crying. And I would have too if I hadn't been so tired! :) I used to laugh at myself, but now I'm growing a bit panicked.
Trust me.. I'm not exaggerating. :)
(kate & ben getting a few dance instructions~ they're doing great! I ask them for help!)
Shayne was there last week helping with some set design things... on the way home he said,
"Uh.. babe? do you know what you're supposed to be doing in those dance numbers..."
I looked at him and nodded my head with a, "duh!! of course I do!" kind of look.
(I was confused here... (can't ya tell)... and getting in trouble w/ the director!)
... Then, it dawned on me what he was really saying!!!!!
I think seeing the worry in my face made him quickly assure me - -
"Oh. You'll get it. I'm sure - - I'm really proud of you for doing this!"
"For what... willingly humbling myself??" : /
"No - - for stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something you never have before..."
Well - - his words made me feel better... until the next practice!!! "/
Especially when one of the girls reminded me, "And just think... we have to do all this in long victorian dresses!! With hats on and gloves, and high heeled boots! Holding parasols....!!!"
As she skipped away on her twinkle toes I stood and glared (just a little) after her!!
Here's a few of those costumes choices mentioned above ::
(no.. this is not a dress option~ it was hanging right outside my dressing room and well... :))
They say that you never stop evolving as a person... discovering more about yourself, growing in who you are....
And isn't that the truth!
One thing I now know for positive about Me...
I'll never earn a living from my feet!!!!
The word, "dancer," will never be synonymous with my name!
(I think the look on Cameron's face says it all!)
I just pray I can stay in an upright position throughout the show!!! :)
Still~ it'll be a fuN memory for the kids and I to have had....
(atleast, I'm hoping) ;)
== ~ == ~ ==
{now for a little opinion poll}
The kids got to keep one of the kittens born here a few weeks back...
It's a cutie.
Problem is - they can't agree on a name.
This morning Kate suggested, "Why don't you ask the xanga people, mom?" :)
("the xanga people?" I thought that was funny!)
So... Kate and Ben would like your help in naming their new kitten.
Here are the choices~
1.Jaxson 2.Alex 3.Ace 4.Tigger 5.Barnaby (in honor of Hello Dolly!)
I know they'll be anxious to see what you pick!
and I'll be anxious to hear the squabbling stop. ;)
So thanks from us all.
Amber.
"Now that we're dancing who cares if we ever stop?" ~ lyrics and music by Jerry Herman, Hello Dolly.
Last Sunday after church I asked Shayne if he'd mind to run out on our front porch (which is the ugliest thing, but kinda makes for a neat background) for a few pictures together~
Pictures are not his favorite thing in the world. But since I am *wink*... he complied.
--what is it with guys and getting their picture taken? though I guess the alternative wouldn't exactly be inviting either, huh? ... imagine your husband saying, "hey, anyone want to take my picture?" hmm.. yeah.
though in my guy's defense it's probably my fault he cringes to see that huge black contraption come out~ when I bought my first digital camera several years back I think I burnt him out with my efforts...
"opps.. too dark." "opps.. too light." "wait.. let me change the iso's" "where are the iso's?" "whatare the iso's anyway??"
...so I think at the mention of pictures he has instant flashbacks to sweating buckets in the blistering heat while his wife flips through her instruction manual!!
Ben was the designated photographer... he's actually not bad for getting a picture in focus. He cracks me up with dropping on one knee for "a better angle" - telling me to, "smile for real, mom." - and putting one hand over his other eye because, "I can't hold it shut. I try.. but it keeps popping open!"
when I look through pictures I know distinctly the one's taken by my little buddy boy. they are always tilted to the right slightly. (I'm always telling him to get his head screwed on straight!)
I was going through these the other night, correcting the "tilt"... when I suddenly realized I had been sitting for several minutes - staring blankly at our faces that were staring back on my ancient kds monitor.
My thoughts slipped a million miles away... or to be more accurate, three or four weeks back.
What God had taken us through.
What He's taking us through now.
What He'll take us through in the future.
as Individuals. as a Couple.
the "us" we've been. and are. and will be.
Before I knew it I found myself caught up in a quiet, mini celebration of sorts within my heart ~
I started to smile. Though no one else was around.... there I sat, smiling.
Because I was thinking of what it was exactly that I was celebrating...
the unity? the oneness? the closeness?
Yes.
But they were only the by-products of the process...
and the process is not always an easy one. a rosy one. a happily ever after kind of one... let me slip on the glass slipper and all is fine. (though a good pair of shoes can help!) ;)
And I asked myself could it be I was celebrating the hard times? the tough things? the misunderstandings? the frustrations? and irritations? even the pain... the tears?
Marriage is great.
I love my marriage.
But marriage can be really (really.really) difficult at times.
It's like any other relationship in many regards with it's ebbs and flows...
but yet carries a uniqueness all it's own in the sense that no other relationship can "drown" you with such emotion - good and bad.
- Remember my post about being at a point of decision in our lives?
During those weeks of crying out to God for His direction, one of our number one prayers was that Shayne and I would be one in our decision - - it was our fleece, if you will, before the Lord.
And God did give us direction. an answer. and unity....
But, God's will is a funny thing.
No. actually, it's not. I haven't done a whole lot of laughing in the past month and a half. :)
I would say rather, God's will is a mysterious thing...
I think we can become frustrated with God at times, or I know I do, because we try to bring Him to our level... often without realizing it. When life doesn't go as we thought, we find ourselves somewhat disillusioned with who He is - and it's not because He has changed, or is not who He has promised to be - it's because we're looking at Him through our human, flesh filled eyes.
Here I pause, and remember His grace....
He gets that about us!! He knows. and He understands.
That's why He said, "My ways are not your ways. And my thoughts not your thoughts...." no. they are better!
God is not a God to be figured out... He is a God to be trusted.
- But before I accepted this conclusion, I found myself in a spiritual battle over some of these truths for several weeks...
And if I were to be brutally honest - a little angry and upset with God.
I thought since I had yielded and surrendered to what I felt He wanted that the doors would swing wide open - the red sea would part - and I would stand and marvel and tell my children, and my children's children of the miraculous works of the Lord.
Instead, I felt the doors shut.
The way that seemed clear, grow cloudy.
The waiting I thought was over, start again.
And the unity Shayne and I prayed for, begin to unravel...
I said to a friend, "this isn't us."
Our marriage isn't perfect. But God has blessed us, and it's a good one. We've had our moments.. but never DAYS where it seemed the division among us was widening.
One night, after yet another communication attempt gone bad, we sat in bed silent for those "eternally long" minutes when you're fighting...
And almost as if synchronized (and I feel it was, by the Lord), we both turned to each with tears.. and I don't remember the exact words, but in essence it was - "this has got to STOP!"
Here we were, confused and upset and trying to figure out if God wanted us in Canada, Chicago, or Tin-Buck-Two. If He wanted us to pastor, run a business, or drive an ice cream truck ~ we were so focused on what it was God wanted for our future, we were missing His will for NOW. for this day. this moment~
For us as a husband and wife to seek His face.. (daily.) To trust Him, regardless. and to point and direct our children to do the same...
We bowed our heads and re-shifted our eyes back to Christ that night.
After praying, we sat and talked until the wee hours of the morning... recommitting to God and each other to do all we could to strengthen and grow our marriage. Purposing to do what we already know!
So often we can get caught up in reading the latest marriage book, or running to a new conference, when it would probably profit us a whole lot to simply do those things we already know to do!
not going to bed upset with each other. (ever!) working out a difference~ however long it takes. praying more together. reading His word together. uplifting one another. cheering the other on. talking more together. listening more. kissing each other hello. and goodbye. and looooonger:)
and above all,
helping to turn the other's focus to Christ.
It's rather ironic how that works in a marriage... the MORE we focus on Christ, the MORE we can focus on one another. (the way we need to be focused on)
Resulting in being the kind of "us" we want to be.
and most importantly,
He wants us to be.
I think it's Nancy Leigh DeMoss who says, "take care of the vertical relationship first... and the horizontal ones will become that much easier."
in other words, "seek first His kingdom and His righteousness... and all these things will be added to you." Matt. 6:33
Amber.
-------
this is part of the chorus to a sweet country song we've been loving lately~ by God's grace it is possible to fall in love over and over again!
"Like a river needs the sea, Stronger than its ever been, We've come so far since that day, And I thought I loved you then."
As I think about relationships with others, I have concluded that there are only two basic types of people in the world:
the Evaluators and the Affirmers.
I am sure, if there were a way to view a movie and see instant replays of all the strategic change points in our lives, that we'd instantly spot the people who either broke our spirits by their critical or judgmental evaluations, or healed us by their loving, perceptive affirmations.
To be honest, I seem to be able to remember the negative comments of evaluators faster and more clearly than the positive remarks of affirmers.
I'm not alone in this ability to recall the negative,
as immature as it is,
for many of you have verified that you too, think along those same lines.
I suspect that not far from anyone's conscious level of thinking lies the memory of an evaluator who pulled on his or her spiked boots and stomped deliberately over our bare soul and personhood.
As I grow older, however, I am learning (slowly) that I have a choice about evaluators - past and present.
I can choose to keep them and their judgmental opinions in the past,
even if the "past" means just yesterday.
We all have the choice to replay the harmful remarks from evaluators, or we can choose to let them pass on.
You and I are absolutely no different.
We have all, at one time or another in our lifetime, been crushed by an evaluator or two.
Yet, particularly as believers, we are expected to appear victorious.
We are expected to be on a continuous spiritual high.
We are expected to fly - undaunted into the storms of life.
After all, aren't we God's children?
The dilemma forces us to put on our brightest smiles, and we give forth our most ebullient greetings when asked about our well being. We hide the painful truth from ourselves and other children of God as though a crushed spirit represents a hideous flaw in our character.
We deny that someone, even a saint of God, has caught us in their wrenching grip of words and has snuffed out our ability to shine.
But mostly we deny that an empty void even exists within us for fear yet another evaluator will come along and condemn us, or worse, try to set us straight.
So we retreat behind masks.
We feel hypocritical and have nagging feelings of guilt for what we know we are supposed to be, compared with the reality of what we are.
We feel safer behind our masks.
I am more convinced than ever however, that if our inner brokenness is ever to be made whole, and if we are to ever sing again (where once there was a song), we will need to deal with our evaluators. (the only way to deal is forgive. plain and simple)
Yet, I also firmly believe that the need for affirming one another is crucial to our process of becoming real, not phony or hypocritical, people of God.
Affirming brings authenticity and credibility to our faith as it is lived day by day.
I must be affirmed, and I must be an affirmer to others.
Otherwise I miss one of the main concepts of the New Testament - to love one another and to bear one another's burdens.
- -
Evaluators are those people who live in the dark murky waters of our unconscious mind - "Basement people".
They are family or friends, living or dead, who continually reach up through that black water, grab us, and pull us under.
But along with basement people, we have the extraordinary advantage of having - "Balcony People".
Affirmers.
Think of it!! All around the sphere of clear air in our conscious minds runs a balcony filled with people who are not merely sitting there, but practically hanging over the rail, cheering us on.
My imagination fairly explodes with that mental picture!
(Sometime take out a piece of paper and write down all the names of the Balcony People in your life)
After I listed who was in my balcony, I was a little surprised at how few people were present.
But then it seemed to me that it's not the amount of people, but the high caliber and level of credibility that really counts. After all, it only takes one "basement person" to drown us in the murky waters of criticism and discouragement. Why not then, the reverse?
It only takes one "balcony person" to lift us up and restore our sense of hope and purpose.
Listing the people who were in my balcony, I concluded, was only half of what should be written...
So I got out another sheet of paper and put down all the names of people to whom I'd be a "balcony person."
Finally, I decided I'd given absolutely enough attention to the basement people (the evaluators) of my life.
It was time to concentrate on my balcony people and on being a balcony person to others.
- -
I wonder what changes would occur in the lives of in-laws, parents, sisters, cousins, husbands, wives, friends, if we stopped trying to settle every score and discontinued our efforts to straighten out everyone else's life?
Honestly, I know there are some impossible people out there -
I'm related to a few myself. ( smile )
But hear me, this is a plea from my heart:
Criticism and judgmental pronouncements rarely change anyone.
It's only God's incredible love, through us as balcony people, that has been known to work miracles!
- -
*Excerpts from Balcony People by: Joyce Landorf Heatherley. (with a few thoughts of my own added) :)
While uncovering the storehouse of memories in my last post, I also came across this book that I had read years ago and forgotten about. I brought it in and started re-reading...
it's been a super motivator!
It's a small, short chaptered book (my favorite kind.. LOVE short chapters - don't you like to sit down and feel like you can finish a chapter in one sitting?) I think it's only 69 pages total~ but what heavy truths packed into such a short volume.
the prayer of my heart is to live life as a Balcony Person.
and not just merely sitting there... but leaning over waving my jacket in my hand hooping and hollering cheering others on. towards encouragement. towards hope. towards Jesus!
And the main place I can start is right here in my very own home.
While going through storage bins in the garage the other day looking for Ben's summer shorts and my summer sandals... since I knew I had more than the 15 pair I'd already unpacked! I came across some things that I hadn't seen in a long time~
LETTERS....
from Shayne when we were courting. The whole of our relationship he was in Chicago the first half, and Canada the second~ it was before the days of Skype, personal computers, and cell phones (or before the day EVERYONE owned one).
So there were letters - lots and lots of letters!
How silly I must have looked sitting on that pile of dusty old skids, sweat dripping from my forehead, a smile from ear to ear - - - and a slight blush on my face occasionally, pulling the letter in a bit closer in case someone just happened to be walking behind me in my own garage and saw what was written!!!!
And when I wasn't writing letters to my love, I was writing all about it in my journal~
I have about six journals filled cover to cover from our 9 month relationship. Yep - from when we first started contacting each other, to when we walked down the aisle and said, "I do!" was just about exactly NINE months!!!
It does sound a little crazy short nowadays I suppose.. but when you know, you KNOW! Why prolong the agony of being separated. :)
These are some cassette tapes - remember those things - that he made for me of him reading Scripture. I would fall asleep every night listening~ I still love the sound of his voice reading the Bible to me.
I wonder if there's a way to transfer these to a cd? I'd love for the kids to hear....
Here's another memory I found - which reading through made me laugh out loud.
A book I wrote when I was about 15. I think it's a series~ :)
I brought them in to show Kate, and later caught her reading one while sitting on the steps...
It was one of those moments where I flashed back in my mind and saw myself sitting in a similar fashion pouring over those notebooks, scribbling away.. never imagining then that someday I'd have a girl of my own reading what I'd wrote.
I went in her room the other night and saw the notebooks piled up on her nightstand. She said she likes the story, but some of my writing is hard to make out! :)
Funny, I still prefer to write by hand than type ~ ~ my thoughts always seem to come easier with a real pen and paper in hand.
= = ~ = = ~ = =
We have a stray cat that showed up here months ago.
We named it Sammy.
But found out a few weeks back it's actually a Samantha!!!
I always get tickled when I think of how Shayne is so not a cat lover - me either really, though I don't mind them - we're just more dog kind of people.... but it seems we can't keep a dog and the cats keep multiplying!!! :)
We still have our black and white yard sale one I picked up last summer - and now three strays that have decided to stay! And with the recent addition of kittens~ we now have TEN cats!!!
So yeah.. for not being huge cat fans you'd never know it around here. :)
Here's the proud mommy... atleast I think she is. She kinda looks more tired than proud. I don't blame her... she just had six babies all at the same time!!)
"Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs." :)
She keeps them in this tree - which seems like the perfect little home to me. This tree is missing it's whole middle, you'd think it would be dead! but every year it comes back!! I think it's a cool looking tree.
I love this tree!
= = ~ = = ~ = =
My camera is broke. (kinda)
A month or two ago the shutter button seemed to be sticking..
and it became harder and harder to push down.
This past weekend, after our time on the lake, it stopped taking pictures all together! Everything else seemed to work fine - it just wouldn't take a picture (which having a camera that won't do that is rather pointless!) :)
And Monday it wouldn't turn on at all...
So I put it away and planned on taking it in to the camera store. I think my year warranty is almost up.
However yesterday, I randomly picked it up, flipped the switch, and it came on!
Seems to be working normal again.
So - I'm not sure if it was a fluke, or still has a problem....
(??)
= = ~ = = ~ = =
Since Sunday I've been in the chiropractors office twice, throwing up, and living on Advil!! (well, not throwing up and taking advil at his office.. that, I've done at home!) : /
It happens EVERY time I ride a sea-doo!!! Seriously...
this time I thought I was so careful to not jump the waves and do all the craziness I usually like doing, but ... the chiropractor says he sees people all the time after they've ridden those things!
"You use muscles you don't usually use and you don't even realize it at the time."
"But you should see the crazy things my brothers do on them!!"
"They're probably younger..."
he smiled.
I did not.
"Well my husband is my age and he's just as crazy as my brothers..."
"He probably uses those muscles more than you do..."
he smiled again.
again, I did not.
Because what he's really saying is that I'm old and out of shape!
= = ~ = = ~ = =
While playing cowboys today I told Ben to give me his best cowboy pose~
I LOVE this kid!!
= = ~ = = ~ = =
Here's something I've been mulling over awhile... .
When I started blogging four years ago I'd never even heard of such a thing. A group at my church had started a blogring, and I was rather "talked into it." :)
To show my world wide web ignorance I thought xanga was the only blogging place there was - and that the only people who really blogged were bored stay at home moms!! :) :) I also thought the only people who could read my blog were those from my church! The first time an "outsider" commented I figured they must have hacked in or something. :)
Well, my knowledge of blogging has expanded (a little)...
And even though most all of my church friends have moved on to facebook it's become a convenient outlet for me to record things from life, as well as connect with other great women - - that I now know are NOT merely bored stay at home moms - - - *big smile*
All this to say.. since discovering other "places" I've been thinking of moving from xanga. At first it was simply because I liked the looks better - yes, I base decisions upon looks!!! But then a web design friend was telling me there would be better options with some things I was wanting to do with writing (eventually).
... part of me doesn't like the idea of learning a new method, etc. I'm lazy that way. :) But part of me likes the idea of change. Still, the biggest part of me is a sentimental loyalist, and I don't want to lose the friends I've made here...
SO - - why don't we all move!!!! :) :) ... (kidding)
I'd be curious to hear your thoughts and a). what made you choose to blog with xanga? and b). why do you stay?
Who knows... I'll probably be blogging here when I'm 90!!
if I can still see that is! :)
More than anything, I'm probably just thinking out loud about it all...~
= = ~ = = ~ = =
Can't believe it's time to make dinner.. didn't we just finish lunch?
In the summer I kinda lose motivation to cook... we don't have air in the house and it gets so stinkin hot when I turn the oven on!!
We try to think of all we can to cook on the grill, but I don't think I have anything to fix on there tonight~
hmmm.. I wonder how much protein there is in ICE CREAM!!
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