Month: June 2010

  • {June Bug}

      

     = = = = just some shots of the in and out randomness of our days from the past weeks = = = =

    Ben’s Find::


      

    I got in the van one afternoon to have this ugly thing looking up at me.
    I think Ben said it’s a crawfish. And in that last shot he says it’s waving.
    But crawfish must be related to frogs – they have the same expression don’t ya think?

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    Creations from Boredom::

    Drawing on old shirts. Ben’s became a flag. and Emma’s became a proclamation of who she obviously loves best! ;)

    Masks from animal plates a friend gave us.

    Homemade bird feeder out of pine cone covered in peanut butter and sprinkled with bird seed.



    Father’s day craft to hang on the van mirror – made from love, not boredom. :)  

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    Sleepy Mornings::


    Watching me while I make breakfast.

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    Content {non fighting} Afternoons::


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    Kate’s Hair::


     
    Her hair is so thick it’s crazy. When it gets too long it just begins to get knotted and constantly tangled. And since last time I tried cutting it myself it left us with two options – a. Kate walk with her head tilted to one side for months on end so people wouldn’t notice how lopsided it was. b. never let mom cut your hair again. We went with b. And ended up going to a beauty school a few weeks ago for the much needed trim. They’re really great places to go… if you have a strong bladder and can sit for six hours at a time!  

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    With Friends::



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    With Shoes::


    Kate and Ben are in a production Les Miserable this summer  and Ben plays a beggar – we weren’t quite sure how to make his shoes look tattered and worn. Then… we had an idea!

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    With all 3 girls::

     

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    With Those We Like The Best:


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    With The One We Miss The Most::

       

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    With Dreams::
     
     

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    Some funny flubs from June::


    Shayne and Ben were going somewhere in the truck together…

    “Dad, ya know what’s the hottest girl I ever saw?”

    “Uh.. what did you say?”

    “The hottest girl! Do you know which it was?”

    Shayne said he felt himself becoming rapidly nervous and answered hesitantly….

    “Um… which… one?”

    Ben leaned toward him with excitement on his face and animation in his voice…

    “It’s on the new Ford F-250. It’s chrome and super sweet…”

    Shayne let out a sigh of relief.

    “OH!… You mean grill, not girl!!!”

    Ben looked at him with a “duh?” kind of expression.

    I hope he keeps that “duh?” look when it comes to girls for much much longer! ;)

      = = = =

    My pregnancy brain doesn’t always communicate with my mouth properly.

    “Hey guys… sit up and finish your tacos!”

    I see three confused faces looking up at me. Glancing at their plates I see why..

    “I guess I mean waffles!”

    And when Emma was asking over and over to keep a dog that uncle Scott said he would give her –

    “No sweetie. We couldn’t possibly have one more job.”

    Again the confused looks tell me…

    “I mean dog.”



      = = =

    And overhearing Emma from the back of the van saying…

    “Well you are fart Benny, and Tate is. But God is the fartest of all.”

    Shayne looks at me and opens his mouth to ask what I’ve been allowing his kids to talk like in his absence – - as I hurriedly assure him,

    “Smart, babe. She’s saying smart.”

    Everything with a s sound comes out like an f.

    smile = file
    sparkle = farkles 
    uncle scott = uncle fott
    swim = fim

    You get the idea. :)

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    Goodbye June~ Your days held alot of “feet” memories for us. 


    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber.
      
     

  • {Note to Self}

    Last night I was going through old photos of the kids, trying to get them organized and put into albums without much success….
    It’s always a long process because I find myself stopping to study each picture – getting lost for a time just looking into those tiny faces that aren’t so tiny anymore.




    {each of the kids at 2}


    Reminded me of what this beautiful mom wrote~

    “dear me in 20years,

    I know that you are looking back with tears lighting the corners of your eyes at the days when the babies were babies. I know that you are waxing sentimental about cuddly lovies and warm, nighttime milk. I know. But there are a few things I don’t want you to forget. For the sake of the future generation.

    Don’t ever forget what life was like with three little ones in preschool. I know your tendency to remember only the pink fuzzy sweet, but also I want to remind you of the fighting and the reasons why the laundry didn’t get done. Because every time you entered the laundry room, someone fell and needed you. Or the twins started to fight. Or someone had to teetee.

    Speaking of teetee, when a young mom tells you that she doesn’t hardly have time to use the bathroom, believe her. And when you see her at the grocery store or at Target and you notice her balancing three kids, 2 gallons of milk and a life’s supply of diapers, go to her and smile at her and tell her you think she’s doing a good job. And when she starts to cry, tell her that even though you miss those days, you also remember how hard they were. And send many blessings her way.

    And for those young moms who you know in your church? Or for your girls who have babies of their own now? Don’t wait for them to call you and ask for your help. Call her and offer to come Thursday between 2 and 4. And bring her coffee.


    Love,

    Your Younger Less Showered Self


    Though my kids are already past the diapers and needing-help-to-tee-tee stage. It has helped me to remember how quickly these days pass. . . and maybe to offer encouragement to those who are still in the midst of them.

    Because even though it’s true that the years are short, sometimes it’s nice for someone to acknowledge those long days the years are made of.”

     chatting at the skya place for your soul to breathe
    {more wonderful encouragement found here}

     
    {and around 3 yrs here}

      ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)

    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber.

  • {Slap, don’t Scratch}


    The other night I watched as Emma kept slapping her arm periodically…

    finally after awhile I said, “why do you keep doing that, baby?”

    She looked at me a bit surprised and pointed to a nasty looking mosquito bite –

    “Betus you twold me not to stu-waa-ch it!”

    I hadn’t even remembered saying that. but she did…
    and had obviously taken it very much to heart!

    I smiled. and sat down next to her to help with the slapping. :)


    thinking as I did – - “Man! if only I took God at HIS Word like this.”



    simple. childlike.faith. inwhatHehaspromised.

    more than just hearing.
    believing.
    living.

    how much healing is found for the sting of those things that bUg mE when I follow His Words to me.

    “He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we may boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do unto me?” {Heb 13- just one of the many i’ve been thinking of this week}

    “we say what we know. but we live what we believe.”

      



    a devotional a friend emailed me the other day… {thanks Carla}

    The Inability of God to Lie

    “Thus God, determining to show more abundantly to the heirs of promise the immutability of His counsel, confirmed it by an oath, that by two immutable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we might have strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold of the hope set before us . . . In hope of eternal life which God, who cannot lie, promised before time began.  (Heb_6:17-18 and Tit_1:2)

    One benefit of living by the promises of God is related to something that God cannot do. He is unable to lie. “It is impossible for God to lie.” This “inability” actually magnifies His greatness, while bringing to us great assurance. 

    This “inability” of God is linked here to His promises. We who live by faith are “heirs of promise.” We inherit the blessings of God by trusting Him to fulfill all that He has promised to do. These promises offer everlasting life and are anchored in eternity past: “In hope of eternal life which God . . . promised before time began.” Now, here in time and space, God wants to deeply impress us with the unchangeable character of His will: “Thus God, determining to show more abundantly to the heirs of promise the immutability of His counsel.” He wants us to be fully assured that He will not declare one thing, and then later change His mind and do something else. 

    In order to provide us with solid assurance, God coupled His promise with an oath. People make oaths, attempting to convince others of their reliability. They swear by something greater than themselves. “For men indeed swear by the greater” (Heb_6:16). However, “when God made a promise to Abraham, because He could swear by no one greater, He swore by Himself, saying, ‘Surely blessing I will bless you, and multiplying I will multiply you’ (Heb_6:13-14). This marks an amazing condescension on the part of our Lord toward us. We might say that He somewhat lowers Himself down to our level (which He would fully do in the incarnation, becoming a man). He uses a common human custom in order to grant us an assured understanding of the reliability of His commitment to us. 

    The assurance that we receive in this unusual communication is likened unto a “double certainty.” The “God, who cannot lie,” makes a promise and an oath, “that by two immutable things . . . we might have strong consolation.

    Dear Lord, as one who has often proven my ability to lie, I worship You as the God who cannot lie! Your promises grant rich assurance. Your oath adds strong encouragement to rely upon You. Thank You for doing whatever is necessary to strengthen my hope in You. How gracious You are !”


      ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)

    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber.

       

    p.s. and it’s friday! :)
      

  • {Party Time}

    A few weeks back, while out with the kids, I pulled up to a red light here in town and saw across the street at our local elementary school all the kids on the front lawn holding balloons, eating cookies, laughing and shouting and running like crazy everywhere…

    Sitting. Waiting on the light to turn green, my kids responded like most typical homeschool kids do –
    INstantly gluing their faces to the van windows, acting as if they’ve never seen other kids in their life!!
    Staring wide eyed in curiosity at all the tons of fun that was obviously going on.
    Which was quickly contradicting what I’ve told them for years about what really happens inside those buildings where the big yellow bus takes you!! :) {and if you even remotely think I’m not completely joking there trust me… if I could run like Forrest Gump I’d have chased down that bus many a mornings and begged the driver to take just three more!} ;)

    When the peppering of questions started from my kids about what the other kids were doing I guessed, and told them it appeared to be some sort of “End of School Party”… since it was the last week of school around here.

    As the light turned and we drove on, none of them voiced it, but I could see the wishful look in their eyes…
    so I secretly purposed then and there we were going to have a “End of School Party” of our very own too!!!

    We decided to wait for the weekend so the head of our school could join in. ;)
    And of course.. happened to pick the most humid day ever in history.. but went with our plan regardless.

    I wasn’t really sure what an end of school party should have exactly – I’d never had one before.Which we should have…
    The Lord knows every year we make it through another grade… still close, loving each other, with not having to resort to any major meds for mom is certainly cause for celebration!! :)  

    I figured anything that just looked summery and party-ish would work. So the kids and I went around the house and gathered what we could find. Setting it up in a little area outside, along with a bunch of their favorite junk food we’d bought at Wal-Mart, and some bright fun buckets with a few surprises for each of my little students.

    At the start we sat in a circle and Shayne asked the kids to share what they’d learned from the year. Their favorite memory, and their least. ;)  
    Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones… Or the sweat rolling down my face from the heat that I mistook for tears… but I don’t think so.
    I’m just so proud of these young lives entrusted to my care.

    Sure I get overwhelmed and burdened at times about the huge responsibility I have in helping to shape these so very moldable hearts to hopefully, by His grace, resemble the true heart of Christ~ but over- all. at the end of the day. when they’re all in bed and the house is quiet. :) I sit and think…  it really is just a super cool thing to get to be a mom!!

    So here’s our 2010 “End of School Party.” ~

     

      
     

     


     

    being the ever innovative one – Ben had to try to roast his marshmallow!
     

    did you ever bite off both ends of a Twizzler and use it as a straw?? very fun~
      
     
     
     
    Game time: sack races…


       

     

    Kate couldn’t hardly jump she was so tickled.. which made me too just watching her!  

    the egg toss…

     

     
     

         

    Emma was hysterical to watch.. no matter how she threw it, or how she caught it… the egg never seemed to break!

    which no one else seemed to have that same luck…
      

    Finally… everyone cleaned off and COOLED off with water balloons!


    ===========

    all throughout the afternoon we had a visitor that kept popping up and just sat staring at us…

    apparently, he’s homeschooled also!

    we named him, Will Scarlet, and although you can’t tell from his expression… I’m sure he was stoked about the party!

    that’s the thing with frogs – - you just can’t ever tell what they’re thinking.


    ===========

    a friend {who doesn’t homeschool} sent me this video a few weeks back…
    whether you do or know someone who does I think you’ll  get a chuckle from it. :)

    So glad to have another year behind us~
    the next will be interesting for sure… with one starting jr.high, one starting kindergarten, and one just starting life! :)

    But for now we’re all just going to sit back and enJOY the wonderful daze of summer.


    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber.


  • thanks so much for all the great feedback everyone shot my way~ just some really good good stuff.

    reading through the comments, messages, and emails re enforced several things to me… the burden I feel for those serving in leadership positions. the epidemic burn out has become.  the need we all have to know we’re not alone in our journey. and the overwhelming beauty of grace that is available every day of our lives!

    I love LOVED hearing from some of you pastor’s kids out there – mostly through messages, cause yeah.. I get that maybe you’re a bit shy of “public forums.” ;) I found myself wishing we could sit down for a nice long chat over a cup of coffee – - or realistically, ice cold frappuccino. it’s too darn hot for coffee! :)

    I look forward to processing all the info that came in. any other thoughts you have in the days or months ahead feel free to jump back on the post below and add them in.

    ================

    Things have been crazy here this week… is it really only Wednesday?
    I feel like 2 or 3 weeks have passed already since Sunday.

    Yet, among all the craziness the good times far outweigh any of the tough times.

    a few of my favorites so far this week~

    Kate showing up in my room late one night because of a thunder storm. {which had the tornado sirens going off}
    Followed a few minutes later by Ben, and then smiling as the third little person came tiptoeing in.
    It so reminded me of the scene from The Sound of  Music…
    So I decided we should burst into singing!
    I thought about cutting up the curtains into some cute outfits.. ;)
    but ended up in the kitchen eating Fruit Loops instead.
    Which was a better choice since I don’t exactly sew, but I am pretty talented in food eating skills! :)

    And when shopping at Victoria’s Secret last night {hey, their semi annual sale is on!} I heard some women laughing……
    I turned around to find Emma standing there with 3 bras on over top of her shirt!
    and holding several pair of undies up saying in her typical {oblivious to her} loud voice –
    “we hab stripes and some polky dots…” and then stretching out a pair as far as they’d go… “or these wheeeely big ones.”
    It didn’t help that the woman standing closest to her was a bit larger in size. :/

    That’s one of those times as a mom you just smile politely at the onlookers and turn back around-
    pretending you don’t know who in the world that child belongs to! :)



    That’s been one of the neat things, and then not always so neat things about our new phase of life with Shayne’s schedule-
    having the kids with me constantly.
    Like seriously constantly…
    In a way like I’ve never really had them before.
    I can’t explain – only, I’m sure you single moms get it. :)  


    … and it’s been a learning thing for us all. lots of tears and i’m sorry’s.
    and trips to the ice cream store – cause ice cream helps everything, right!

    We had a fun party the other day and I’ll post about that next~

    right now this hot, sweaty, very pregnant momma.. who went to the doctor yesterday and found out she’d gained a whopping10 pounds since her last appointment… needs to go figure out what to make for dinner that doesn’t involve the Wendy’s drive thru!!!!  {hence the 10pounds and need for new underwear!} :)  


        


    “Everyday is a gift – that’s why it is called, The Present”


    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber.




  • {wanting some feedback}

    I’ve had a writing project swirling in my heart for years now…
    and it seems God’s finally provided the opportunity for it to come to fruition.
    I’m excited to see it begin to unfold, but need your help~

    Since my perspective is limited to… well, my perspective :) I’d like to broaden my view and get a more objective look.

    Question::

    Do you know someone in christian ministry or have been there yourself who has experienced a “burn out” of sorts?

    (and)

    What do you think has contributed to that? And what could help prevent it?


    Having grown up in a pastor’s home I have a particular soft spot for those in ministry- especially the wives, where so much of the hidden burdens fall.

    I liked what I read recently about John Piper taking a sabbatical because of his marriage. Not that he was having marital problems, but simply because he saw the signs of “need” within his wife. He didn’t use the words ‘burn out’ but I couldn’t help but to wonder if his time away was a preventative against just that.

    Or as one pastor’s wife shared – “I feel like I’m in a 3-legged race. Only, I’ve fallen down in weariness and feel drug along now instead of running beside my husband…”

    I know feelings of discouragement and disillusionment effect us all – only when you’re in a position of leadership your life seems to play out like the tabloids in the check out lane for all to see …

    Personally, I’m not one of these that believes being a pastor or christian leader is the highest career or calling you could have – that somehow they have an edge on godliness or spirituality over say, Jo the plumber who loves God just as much. I believe every one of us is be ministers, “living epistles known and read of all men.” But at times I’ve wondered if the burn out some might experience isn’t because our “system” is flawed so to speak. The expectations placed upon them are wrong and not truly Scriptural.(?) Though you see their role in Scripture- ie. authority, leadership in the church- still, they are human. and struggle as any other would…. but are often made to feel like they’re “not allowed” to have these feelings.

    That’s just one observation and I’m throwing it out there to hear more thoughts on it…  

    I would like honest, heart felt input here on these questions – but this is in no way giving an open door to bash those leaders we know or have served under – - as kooky as some may be. and yeah.. there’s some kooky ones for sure. : p

    And I’d like to keep this forum public so perhaps something someone shares might trigger thoughts of your own~ if you’re not comfortable with that feel free to message me here or email me

    If you’re a reader from facebook you can contribute by clicking on the anonymous button I believe, and sharing that way.

    Remember there’s no right or wrong answers here – simply wanting your feedback.

    ========================

    AND.. I just have to mention in case you hadn’t realized.. tHe WeeK- eNd is here again!!

    I’ve never been so excited about weekends in my life. :) :) :)


    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber.

       

  • {happy anniversary to me}

    I was cleaning out my dresser drawers late last night …
    trying to finally complete the whole summer/ winter clothes switching over thing-
    :/ which I strongly dislike doing.

    Someday in heaven I do hope we have walk in closets for all our seasonal robes. ;)

    Anyway .. I’ve pretty much kept every card/ love letter Shayne’s ever written me.
    And I’m not very organized like that and find them kinda just stuck all over … in random places.
    Which I’m working on, {organizing the random}, and have discovered those cute little
    paper storage boxes from Ikea you can get for like 2/@4.99 are wonderful things!

    So in the wee hours of the night I was sitting on the bed with a small pile of cards and papers…
    Smiling. Having fun reading through them. Chuckling out loud at some. Wondering where the years have gone {seriously}.
     

    As I opened one card… suddenly…
                                                                out fell a hundred dollar bill!

    It read, “Happy Anniversary Babe. Thanks for 12 amazing years…..”


    And we’ve been married now 14!~ {in the fall}.. so that’s been in my drawer nearly 2 years~ {I had totally and completely forgotten}
     


    I called Shayne this morning to thank him for the gift. :)


    Now a day planned at home is suddenly filled with new possibilities….





    Celebrate the Unexpected !!!


    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber.

     

  • {Grace Upon Grace}


    some things that helped my focus last week.
    encouraged my heart.
    and just made me plain happy.

    = = ~ = =

    I read this::


    “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed’ we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed. 2Cor. 4:7-9

    Life comes at us like an overpowering military tank, ready to flatten us. There is no natural hope, because clay pots can’t handle tanks. Yet, as the dust clears, the flower pots of our lives can remain intact {if we are trusting in the able and faithful one who lives in our hearts}. There is no attacking tank that can overcome the Lord Jesus Christ.”



    … especially like that last part – “there is no attacking tank that can overcome the Lord Jesus Christ.”

     attacking tank?? yeah.. life can sure feel that way at times. through people. through circumstances. grateful no matter, God is bigger still.

    = = ~ = =

    watched this::





    … I had seen this video recently and was stung by it’s poignant message. A friend suggested it to me last week, I went to watch not knowing what it was.When it started playing though I’d already seen it, it registered in my heart a new way.


    = = ~ = =

    was messaged this::


    “I hate pity and there are reasons for me feeling and saying it soooo strongly.
    No. I don’t pity you. I feel great empathy…and understanding…and really think, no—believe! an important part of moving away from yucky feelings is to be honest about them. I don’t know how it all works yet…ha! still in the middle of so much…but He can’t help me with what I refuse to admit is there.

    And usually my refusal is based on how scared and helpless I feel…so I do that little denial bandaid thingy.


    Pity puts people on different levels. Someone way up there…and the other, way down here. Pity seems to come from those who communicate that I’m a little project. Yuck. And… no thanks!


    Pity is not from a walk beside you friend.”



    … so grateful for the “walk beside you” kind of friends that though rare, are not extinct.

    = = ~ = = 

    thought this one of the best comments ever::


    “What a comfort that God’s love isn’t swayed or moved by how frequently we’re in the Word, or how surrendered we are, or whether our responses are OK. He sees us in Christ….a HUMAN heart beats for us in Heaven.”

    = = ~ = =

    but was also thinking this::


    … that all the comments on my last post were some of the best ever! I was blessed by each of you who take the time to share . thank you.

    = = ~ = =

    loved this::


    In every station new trials and troubles
    Call for more grace than I can afford
    And where can I go but to my dear Savior
    For mercy that pours from boundless stores

    Grace upon grace every sin repaired
    Every void restored you will find Him there
    In every turning He will prepare you
    With grace upon grace

    He made a way for the fallen to rise
    Perfect in glory and sacrifice
    In sweet communion my need He supplies
    He saves and keeps and guards my life

    To Thee I run now with great expectation
    To honor You with trust like a child
    My hopes and desires seek a new destination
    And all that You ask Your grace will provide

    With grace upon grace

    = = ~ = =

    some projects finally completed::




     
    … one of my favorite places to be in the summer. outside! picking and digging around in the flowers. :)


     

    = = ~ = =

    some junk made useful::




    … there was a big hole in the wall and I was stumped as to how to cover it. found a pile of old shutters in the barn and Ben and I dug some out. I used one on the patio too. It’s my new favorite thing and I’m kinda on a shutter obsession at the moment. ;)


    = = ~ = =

    got to see this face::


    … which was a surprise. didn’t look like he was going to get to come home. worked like a dog Thursday, from 5 in the morning till 10 at night to cut the day in half Friday and make it home!



    = = ~ = =

    and of course.. faces that make/ and kept me happy last week::



    = = ~ = =

    did I mention this face::

    and did I mention he’s an exceptionally hard worker!

    cute too. ;)


    = = ~ = =



    don’t know what you’re up against right now as you start off this new week…
    but I hope some of these things that helped me will help you.

    no matter what the circumstance there is a God that’s big enough.
    and because of that – there is always something good to be found.

    always.


    “misery is easy…it’s happiness that’s hard work…”






    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber.



  • {Throwing up some late night junk}

    I picked up my Bible today and read it for the first time in a while.
    I mean really read it – not some quickie obligatory scroll down a half memorized Psalm.
    Hungry. Searching. Needing some drop of refreshment upon a heart spiritually parched.

    At times when I feel this kind of soul dehydration, even though I know the source where my thirst will be quenched…
    I’d kinda sorta rather just lay down by the well and writhe around in complaint and self pity than to simply dip and drink.
    Yeah. Sometimes self pity feels good. And sometimes no matter how much I know where the answer lies – I’m not ready to embrace it.

    I’d rather not open my Bible,  I know what’s in there and I don’t want to hear it.
    I’d rather not pray because the words seem shallow and not able to reach past the ceiling.
    I’d rather not have a relationship with someone than to have a superficial one. It’s just how I am.
    I feel it even with God which may sound disrespectful – that’s okay if it does to you… I know God gets that about me.

    So. here I sit.
    metaphorically: red faced, sweaty, hot, angry, knees drawn to chest, chin in my hands, so vulnerable with the junk of my life spilling out everywhere. It’s like I couldn’t hide it even if I wanted to. Which I don’t because hiding gets old. But I do because hiding feels safer.

    Last week was rough. Shayne was gone all week training and learning about a new job he was considering.
    I overworked myself and ended up spotting, having to stay off my feet –
    I have a history of babies who like to go and get themselves in the birth position and try to come earlier than planned.
    It’s called something medically but I can’t remember at the moment.

    I felt almost like things were gearing up to happen and I had that last minute surge of energy where you’re cleaning and organizing like crazy to get things ready and prepared.
    Things calmed and baby is back up and content to not come out just yet…
    The energy probably wasn’t as much pregnancy related as it was stress related.
    Sometimes when things are not exactly to my liking in life and I’m struggling I find myself in one of two modes~ obsessively project oriented, wanting the entire house to be remodeled and repainted, or atleast rearranged as i did last week/ or with the excessive need to GET OUT! I think the kids and I were at the lake three times.

    Either way it can become a method of escape from reality.

    A reality that started all over again today- and at this point will be every week this summer.
    A reality that, as I laid in bed this morning and watched the sunlight slowly creep through the slats in the blind, realized no matter how much cleaning or getting away this can’t be escaped. It is now life. and I have to adjust.

    Shayne has been looking and praying about a new job for months – financially it had become crucial.
    I just hadn’t planned on the job being 600 miles away! taking him from us each week, home weekends…
    Was I really going to become one of those wives/ mothers?
    Where I’ve seen so many of my girlfriends have to have this life style of their husbands traveling and gone from them…
    And hearing about the tremendous hardships that come with it. The loneliness and the struggle to remain close and connected.
    The costs that never really seemed worth it to me, no matter what the dollar amount.
    Was I really now there? This was my new reality?

    And when I see the answer, yes. I feel a faint scream within, “well, I don’t like it!”

    The other night as we talked through things Shayne mentioned a possible move in the fall if things go okay through the summer -after the baby is born – - which I think we might have found a name for and I’m whispering it over and over again inside and thinking yeah, it seems perfect.

    But when Shayne talked about moving I felt surprisingly okay with that.
    Maybe because I’m not exactly a planner.. I just fly by the seat of my pants and deal with things in the moment.
    But when he said he had to start THIS week my heart gasped in that, “when I breathe in it hurts right here,” kind of way.
    I thought I’d have more time – this change came on so suddenly.
    I thought I’d be able to wrap my brain around it all a bit better. To talk myself through it.
    Wasn’t there like some sort of mandatory thinking about a new job incubation period?

    But as I saw what was the only door opened {like we’d prayed}, compared to the one I was hoping would have opened – I bawled.
    It seemed the thought of a summer of separation was harder to me than the possible fall move.

    The other day while driving somewhere I asked myself what it was I really wanted – what did I feel would make me happy?
    “Something normal.” I found myself answering. Which seems our 14 years of life together has been anything but…

    Yeah. I want the husband that’s home every night at 5 and the two shiny new vehicles in the driveway of my big two bathroom suburbia home with a chunk of cushy savings in the bank. I don’t know what others define as normal, but that’s my normal.

    And sure I know. Goodness, do I KNOW God will use this time and I’ll be stretched and strengthened and deepened.
    But ya know To be perfectly frank. I don’t want to be.
    I think, hey… I can learn to trust Jesus and be strengthened and deepened just fine without all this other stuff.
    I don’t need Him determining the terms for me. ! ; )

    And that’s me. In this moment. Back to the beginning of the post in what I was saying…
    I see the struggle. the answer. the issues and junk in my heart but not really wanting or feeling I can just super spiritulize my way into being okay with this.
    I’m not. it sucks. I don’t like it.

    But. it is.

    And I know I’m faced with a choice.
    A response.

    I know it needs to be the right one. The real right one, not just the rehearsed motions.
    I’m even more aware as I feel three little pair of eyes widely taking it all in as their familiar is about to be rocked too.

    Can’t say I’m ready to yield. surrender. Or when I’ll be. I don’t even like those words at the moment.

    Shayne said that he was proud of me… how I was taking all this so calmly and maturely.

    I laughed and told him not to be fooled… “That 3 year old temper tantrum throwing little girl inside me who just wants what she wants is right below the surface.”

    But I’m glad 3 year old acting 36 year olds still have grace available. It’s raining down in bucket loads.
    Despite all the kickin and screaming I’m feeling it.

    And despite our first “official” day here in this new chapter of life where a foot was gashed open. keys locked in the van while we waited 2 1/2 hours for help. and nearly passing out in a second hand store that found me having to lie down on a sofa in the furniture section! {i think i was literally dehydrated from the hot day and running around}…

    Yeah. I was feelin the grace.

    Especially while lying on that red sofa in a second hand store with onlookers gawking.

    After awhile I got up and said as loudly as I could~ “Yup. I think this one will work.. I’ll take it!”  : )

    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber.

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