June 2, 2010

• {Throwing up some late night junk}

  I picked up my Bible today and read it for the first time in a while.
  I mean really read it – not some quickie obligatory scroll down a half memorized Psalm.
  Hungry. Searching. Needing some drop of refreshment upon a heart spiritually parched.

  At times when I feel this kind of soul dehydration, even though I know the source where my thirst will be quenched…
  I’d kinda sorta rather just lay down by the well and writhe around in complaint and self pity than to simply dip and drink.
  Yeah. Sometimes self pity feels good. And sometimes no matter how much I know where the answer lies – I’m not ready to embrace it.

  I’d rather not open my Bible,  I know what’s in there and I don’t want to hear it.
  I’d rather not pray because the words seem shallow and not able to reach past the ceiling.
  I’d rather not have a relationship with someone than to have a superficial one. It’s just how I am.
  I feel it even with God which may sound disrespectful – that’s okay if it does to you… I know God gets that about me.

  

  So. here I sit.
  metaphorically: red faced, sweaty, hot, angry, knees drawn to chest, chin in my hands, so vulnerable with the junk of my life spilling out everywhere. It’s like I couldn’t hide it even if I wanted to. Which I don’t because hiding gets old. But I do because hiding feels safer.

  Last week was rough. Shayne was gone all week training and learning about a new job he was considering.
  I overworked myself and ended up spotting, having to stay off my feet –
  I have a history of babies who like to go and get themselves in the birth position and try to come earlier than planned.
  It’s called something medically but I can’t remember at the moment.

  I felt almost like things were gearing up to happen and I had that last minute surge of energy where you’re cleaning and organizing like crazy to get things ready and prepared.
  Things calmed and baby is back up and content to not come out just yet…
  The energy probably wasn’t as much pregnancy related as it was stress related.
  Sometimes when things are not exactly to my liking in life and I’m struggling I find myself in one of two modes~ obsessively project oriented, wanting the entire house to be remodeled and repainted, or atleast rearranged as i did last week/ or with the excessive need to GET OUT! I think the kids and I were at the lake three times.

  Either way it can become a method of escape from reality.

  A reality that started all over again today- and at this point will be every week this summer.
  A reality that, as I laid in bed this morning and watched the sunlight slowly creep through the slats in the blind, realized no matter how much cleaning or getting away this can’t be escaped. It is now life. and I have to adjust.

  

  Shayne has been looking and praying about a new job for months – financially it had become crucial.
  I just hadn’t planned on the job being 600 miles away! taking him from us each week, home weekends…
  Was I really going to become one of those wives/ mothers?
  Where I’ve seen so many of my girlfriends have to have this life style of their husbands traveling and gone from them…
  And hearing about the tremendous hardships that come with it. The loneliness and the struggle to remain close and connected.
  The costs that never really seemed worth it to me, no matter what the dollar amount.
  Was I really now there? This was my new reality?

  And when I see the answer, yes. I feel a faint scream within, “well, I don’t like it!”

  The other night as we talked through things Shayne mentioned a possible move in the fall if things go okay through the summer -after the baby is born – - which I think we might have found a name for and I’m whispering it over and over again inside and thinking yeah, it seems perfect.

  But when Shayne talked about moving I felt surprisingly okay with that.
  Maybe because I’m not exactly a planner.. I just fly by the seat of my pants and deal with things in the moment.
  But when he said he had to start THIS week my heart gasped in that, “when I breathe in it hurts right here,” kind of way.
  I thought I’d have more time – this change came on so suddenly.
  I thought I’d be able to wrap my brain around it all a bit better. To talk myself through it.
  Wasn’t there like some sort of mandatory thinking about a new job incubation period?

  But as I saw what was the only door opened {like we’d prayed}, compared to the one I was hoping would have opened – I bawled.
  It seemed the thought of a summer of separation was harder to me than the possible fall move.

  The other day while driving somewhere I asked myself what it was I really wanted – what did I feel would make me happy?
  “Something normal.” I found myself answering. Which seems our 14 years of life together has been anything but…

  Yeah. I want the husband that’s home every night at 5 and the two shiny new vehicles in the driveway of my big two bathroom suburbia home with a chunk of cushy savings in the bank. I don’t know what others define as normal, but that’s my normal.

  And sure I know. Goodness, do I KNOW God will use this time and I’ll be stretched and strengthened and deepened.
  But ya know To be perfectly frank. I don’t want to be.
  I think, hey… I can learn to trust Jesus and be strengthened and deepened just fine without all this other stuff.
  I don’t need Him determining the terms for me. ! ; )

  And that’s me. In this moment. Back to the beginning of the post in what I was saying…
  I see the struggle. the answer. the issues and junk in my heart but not really wanting or feeling I can just super spiritulize my way into being okay with this.
  I’m not. it sucks. I don’t like it.

  But. it is.

  And I know I’m faced with a choice.
  A response.

  I know it needs to be the right one. The real right one, not just the rehearsed motions.
  I’m even more aware as I feel three little pair of eyes widely taking it all in as their familiar is about to be rocked too.

  

  Can’t say I’m ready to yield. surrender. Or when I’ll be. I don’t even like those words at the moment.

  Shayne said that he was proud of me… how I was taking all this so calmly and maturely.

  I laughed and told him not to be fooled… “That 3 year old temper tantrum throwing little girl inside me who just wants what she wants is right below the surface.”

  But I’m glad 3 year old acting 36 year olds still have grace available. It’s raining down in bucket loads.
  Despite all the kickin and screaming I’m feeling it.

  And despite our first “official” day here in this new chapter of life where a foot was gashed open. keys locked in the van while we waited 2 1/2 hours for help. and nearly passing out in a second hand store that found me having to lie down on a sofa in the furniture section! {i think i was literally dehydrated from the hot day and running around}…

  Yeah. I was feelin the grace.

  Especially while lying on that red sofa in a second hand store with onlookers gawking.

  After awhile I got up and said as loudly as I could~ “Yup. I think this one will work.. I’ll take it!”  : )

  ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
  (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber.
  

  • 2:08 am
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