Fiddler wasn’t the only production that took place last weekend~

there was another.

the cast was much smaller. there were no fancy backdrops or costumes. the script was impromptu. and the audience held but ONE.

it took place on the stage of my heart. acted out upon some of the darkest, deepest crevices within…

as the curtain opens – it’s Friday night. I’m on my way out to the van where Shayne and the kids are waiting.. a “friend” stops me. there’s something she needs to say. something in my life that has really “angered” her.

I felt my face turn hot. my heart began pounding hard. and my mind whirled with a million different thoughts and emotions. at first my response was okay – “thank you for sharing this.” but as I turned to walk away and one last thing was said, the haughtiness and condemnation it was laced with hit my heart dead center on a chord I tried to keep wound so tight – - yet, I felt it start to unravel… releasing all the pinned up hurt and emotions held there.

my hand reached for the door, yet my flesh leapt forward and my temper flared – I turned and shot back what I hoped was equally as painful words to her – then pushed the door open hard and walked out. the warm night air felt cool against my hot face.

I got in the van and turned looking out the window into the darkness, blinking back the tears that were brimming in my eyes. I wanted to jump into the darkness and disappear – if I wasn’t here perhaps people would have someone else to watch and find fault with!

“what’s wrong babe?” Shayne asked.

“nothing…”

“Really? I’d say you’re about to cry…”

“no…………. YES.”

as I conveyed the story to him and came to the end – the part where I had my say. the part where I didn’t just stand there and take it – the part where I saw the tinge of hurt cross her face… I thought I’d feel more satisfaction. more justice. more pride.

i.   felt.   convicted.

immediately I began to tell the Lord how my few words of anger were nothing in comparison to her hissing words of judgement… try as I may God kept fast forwarding the scene to ME -

just. me.

it was as if He was telling me her part in the scene was obsolete. insignificant. unimportant. on this stage I was the only one standing there ~

————

i remember when i was a young teenager being hurt really badly by someone – - my dad sat on the edge of my bed that night.. and I’ll never forget the seriousness of his face, nor the intensity of his words ~ i remember them nearly quote perfect…

“Amber, regardless of how wrong someone else is you are never justified to harbor bitterness in your heart. you have no choice – you MUST forgive!”

“But how?”

“That’s for God to teach you – so you better pay close attention to HIs voice. I feel like this will always be a “theme” throughout your life – choosing to hang on to bitterness. or letting go in forgiveness. and the greatest lessons God will teach you will come through the suffering others will inflict.”

how many.many.many times those words have echoed in my ears – as they did once again Friday night. and, same as always I had my usual response – “Lord, couldn’t’ you use a different method to teach me?”

  

but I KNOW – even though it doesn’t make me like it any more.. that it is only through pain that I learn the HEALING my Savior has to offer – - pain comes in many ways, yes. but no other pain is more acutely felt than that brought on by people.

I have this quote written in my journal – “People who hurt us don’t always intend to hurt us – they were never even thinking of us — they were thinking about themselves, their lives, just them.”

yet when the hurt comes – we cannot cling to it. we MUST let go. forgiveness is not for THEM…

Forgiveness is for us!

————

Freedom.

it’s become a favorite cheer among Christians today~ we hear so much talk about Freedom in Christ… honestly, at moments I feel if I hear that phrase one more time I’ll gaulge my eyes out! To me, some of the ones who scream FREEDOM IN CHRIST the loudest are some of the very ones buried in the deepest bondage there is – the BONDAGE of BITTERNESS.

which to me – having lived in that prison for years, is the hardest bondage of ALL to break.

the outward stuff is easy – the change of a hairstyle. a skirt. type of music – these things are NOT freedom.. they are preferences. choices. styles. tastes. likes. dislikes. convictions – whatever you want to call them.

but FREEDOM – genuine chains broken captives set free freedom takes place in the places no one ever sees – - that’s why it’s so easy to stay imprisoned – no one sees what takes in the heart of hearts. the thoughts rehearsed. the anger that simmers. the vengeance longed for.

a few years back there were several relationships in my life that CONTROLLED me ~

they controlled me because I could not forgive – I was in the prison of bitterness within my own heart. a prison so dark. so lonely. so hopeless and depressing. yet a secret to many (most) of the people in my life…

no one knew the DAILY struggle of emotions. the barrage of thoughts. the anger at the injustices. the tears of frustration of no hope, no end in sight.

try as I might I could not break free. I could not quiet my fears. I could not take my thoughts captive – they held ME captive.

i.hated.it

… daily pulling against the chains that so bound me – that seemed to be taking away my very LIFE. the harder I pulled the weaker I became –

days where I didn’t want to get out of bed.
days of fear.
days of not being able to eat.
days of no joy. no light.

prison is like that

But the day came – or rather the night – while crying and begging God for deliverance He spoke to me and revealed that the deliverance was ALREADY THERE!

I was sitting in a cell with the door WIDE OPEN. the chains that I thought were holding me were of my OWN making – -

    

I always felt I could never be free from the bitterness that tormented me unless the specific ones who had hurt me came and ASKED for my forgiveness. unless they ADMITTED their wrong.

(of course we can say in our hearts – “I forgive!” but to be truly released – I thought that wasn’t possible unless there was a full restoration on both sides)

what the Lord began opening my pride-infected eyes to was that forgiveness isn’t like the basket of rolls on the table you pass to someone when asked for – -

it is the basket each and every one of us hold in our hands – filled with the BREAD OF LIFE Jesus Christ – and it is OUR CHOICE to pass it out to whomever we will.

  

amazing as I began to CHOOSE to forgive – whether asked for or not – I felt the chains of hardness. self pity. pride. bitterness begin to fall off link by link.

it wasn’t easy. isn’t easy still.

our flesh wants to make that one pay – and since we can’t physically make them pay we often seek our revenge in ACTING like nothing is wrong. we cannot let them see or know how they hurt us. the tears we’ve cried. the nights we’ve stayed awake. we seek to PROVE that their cutting words do nothing to us. we’re above that. better than that~

but instead of punishing them with our masquerade of freedom – we only dig the pit of bitterness deeper and find ourselves sinking further still into it’s suffocating depths.

PRETENDING all is okay may fool most of the people – but it is not lasting… and eventually whatever we have filled our hearts up with WILL come spilling out for all to see. to see a life overflowing with bitterness is never a pretty sight. to see one overflowing with the love and peace of Christ – you could stand and stare ALL DAY!

 

so HOW do we forgive?

we reach into the basket we’re holding – filled with Jesus and draw out HIS love. HIS mercy. HIS compassion. even though everything inside of us is screaming in protest that they do not deserve it –

and they don’t

but they NEED it

SAME AS US.

i’m grateful for the COUNTLESS times in my life others have dipped into their baskets and handed me JESUS – instead of what I deserved!

————–

Nothing changes.

forgiving someone does not mean you are instantly best friends. that suddenly you’re doing coffee and chatting on the phone. some relationships WILL NEVER change – because people never change.

to me that is both sad and yet freeing too – - there are relationships in my life that I LONG to have a deeper level with. but also, realizing it will just never be that way – it just is what it is – is also releasing to me, realizing I don’t have to “try so hard!”

some relationships are like candy apples – you keep putting layer after layer on. polishing it until it shines.. but no matter how good it may LOOK – it still is what it is underneath all the layers!

we ARE NOT responsible for how others choose to respond. we are only accountable for our OWN heart…

————

the whole way home Friday night I wrestled with what I knew God was telling me to do.

finally…

I pulled out my cell phone and called.

what happened drove me to tears – this time happy ones.

  

I asked her forgiveness…

…and she MINE!! she said God had also been working in her heart the whole way home. she knew she was too harsh. too judgemental. her words prideful – and she was wrong!!

I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to hear someone say they were wrong – - not in a “a-ha!” way, but in a very humbling GOD IS SO BIG way!! I can probably count on one hand the number of times where I have felt misjudged or attacked and that person has actually asked forgiveness –  some people hem-haul around and mumble some sort of sorry under their breath. or try to nice you to death next time you see them — but those who genuinely say, “I was wrong will you forgive me!” hmmm.. don’t know if that sentence consist in most vocabularies nowadays.

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor (continuous talking), and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice (vengeful gossip):

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, FORGIVING one another – even as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you.” Eph. 4: 31 & 32

 

————–

so as the curtain closes upon the little production that was acted out upon the stage of my heart i take a bow to the ONE watching in the audience. the ONE who directed me so lovingly. the ONE who produced what only HE can – a show honoring and glorifying to His name!

as i walk off stage i stop and look back at the prop i chose not to use. the chains of bitterness – they lay there cold and unattached in a messy heap – i hope the next actors who play here will choose not to use them ~

i smile, turn and walk out the door into the bright blinding light of the SON – i lift my face upward soaking it in…



I. AM. FREE




and it isn’t any act.

amber.

You know you’re a mom when….

Checking out in a popular teenage store where you were buying birthday presents for your nieces,
and fumbling to get your wallet from your purse, out drops your 4 year olds pink & purple Barbie underwear on the counter….

You glance up at the super manicured looking sales guy who’s eyes go from the underwear to your belly, then back again.

And as you stand there for that eternal awkward second…
feeling the eyes in the line behind you,
knowing any attempt at an explanation of what happens when a 4 year old proclaims, “i dotta doe potty white now… ” is pointless -
You try to ignore the hot flash of embarrassment creeping up your face,
as you quickly wad up the pretty Barbie faces smiling back at you, stuff it deep into your purse, and say…

“Well, ya gotta love that Spandex!”

…..some quotes that made me laugh recently…..

“I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids.”

“God came through, just like He always does….” No. I couldn’t say that He had for me.

These weren’t things like not missing Pottery Barn’s 75% off sale. Or that it wouldn’t rain on the day we were going to the zoo…
these were things like, our electric bill is due and we don’t have the money. The deadline came and went and now we’re sitting in the dark.
It wasn’t a prayer request that God would provide a way for us to go to Walt Disney World – it was prayer that God would provide where our next paycheck was coming from!

I came to a point in my life of not wanting to pray. Feeling there was no need.
Because God’s will was going to happen regardless, right?
And for some reason His will for me wasn’t to have electric or food or gas for my car, and that was fine.
But I wasn’t going to “set myself up” emotionally to once again be let down. so.. I just wasn’t going to ask.

The scar tissue of disappointment had built a thick barrier around my heart.

Yes. Yes. I know that God only, always does what is best for us.
That we don’t see the whole picture.
That trials purify and suffering draws us closer to Him.
…..yaddayaddayadda…..
No one could tell me anything I didn’t already know.
I’ve heard it a million times.
It was so engrained into me.
Beaten in my head. And yes, that was it – it wasn’t in my heart.
I knew that too. Knew that most of all.
But truth was.. I wasn’t sure how to get it there.
Squeezing your fists really hard and shutting your eyes tight while you say over and over, “I will trust you. I will trust you. I will trust you.” doesn’t exactly make it magically be absorbed into your heart. No matter how much you know that it needs to be. Want it to be. Wish it was. Wish it were. Wish you could be the modern Elisabeth Elliot of your day. That kind of faith.

Instead. there’s a deadness. a hopelessness. a cynicism. even bitterness.
You feel them suffocating your soul, and disillusionment sets in that this wasn’t the path you signed up for.
Flipping through the road map going, “I know there’s a path that’s smoother. One with fewer rocks and sharp turns. One marked – EASY.”
And you find yourself looking over at sister so&so who not only apparently has a less difficult journey, but she’s skipping along praising Jesus for her 100 dollar angora sweater she got for 25!!!!

and before anyone starts composing a private message in their head to me about minimizing God answering the smallest of requests….
I know He does {my ring}. I’m glad He does.

but… I’ve just been thinking since my last post that I also know what it’s like to read something like that and think,
“gee. that’s good for you, Amber. but I’m not exactly feeling that God is coming through for me lately.”

You’re standing there with that foreclosure notice in your hand.
That grocery bill that was more than you could afford.
That negative pregnancy test on the sink.
{this one especially near my heart since i was there not so long ago myself- “The English language lacks the words “to mourn an absence.” For the loss of someone we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something. But for the absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?”} 
Or that pregnancy you’ve prayed so long for end in miscarriage.
That sick child you thought God would heal, now buried. 
The look of disappointment on your son’s face when you tell him there’s no money to play football this year.
Those lonely nights while your husband is working that second job.
Or maybe no internet service to even read something like this because it’s been shut off from not paying the bill!!

And I would like to say that HERE is my great insight from that dark time in my life. of feeling God was a thousand miles away and didn’t care. HERE is what I learned. HERE is what I now see. and HERE is what you can do too.

but no. I don’t really have a here.here.here&here.
there are some things that I will never understand.
some prayers that I will never get why God didn’t answer…
circumstances left the same.
people left unchanged.
“needs” that went unmet.
and faith that wavered and weakened.

Times that came and went where I was left looking up like, “God?”
Reminding Him how much glory He just missed out on if only He would have answered.
Feeling confused by Him. let down. even hurt.

Some people purse their lips and scold… “Now. Now.. be careful. God is God and you cannot humanize Him.”

Yes. I know that God cannot be humanized – but I cannot stop viewing Him from my very human perspective.

If anything… those dark times of the soul have taught – no, that’s not really the right word because I feel I still haven’t quite learned it yet. But rather, shown me that God is okay with my humanness. He is never surprised by my response. Baffled by my questions. Confused by my doubts. Or exasperated at my anger. He knows me. He understands where I’m at. He’s not standing there impatiently taping His foot and drumming His fingers. Even in those times when that 3 yr old inside me comes out in all her fit throwin glory that things aren’t going my way… even then, I can picture Him just kinda sitting down next to me. waiting. silent. 

… and when all the kicking and screaming finally stops He looks at me and smiles. “Are you done now?”
Then He opens up His arms extra wide and lets me run in.

It doesn’t mean the answers immediately come.
or that they come how I want them to, or think they should.
Or that I suddenly feel all cool with everything.

But there is this surprisingly, unexplainable….

quiet.

the kind of quiet that doesn’t have anything to do with what is happening externally.

and no, it doesn’t change your circumstances. but somehow it changes your heart.

__________*
  

So in writing this I wanted those of you out there who might be going through a time of doubt or darkness and feeling God is so far away and doesn’t care to know very simply on this rainy afternoon here in Ohio, from a nobody important sort of person that I’ve been there too. That regardless of how much you might try to minimize what you’re feeling or going through – your pain is just that. yours. And it stinkin hurts no matter how you try to slice, dice, spiritualize, or reason it away.

You’re not alone in your journey. Trust me.

but most of all – Trust Him.

“The point of Christianity isn’t to learn alot of truths so you don’t need God anymore. We don’t learn about God in the abstract. We are drawn into His life.”     

         
 

I’ve never been a great prayer warrior.

I wish I was.
I’d like to be more of one.

I’ve never been great at praying. period.
I have a hard time paying attention.
It sounds lame. but I do. 

I used to never understand when people would say, “I FELT the prayers of others….”
I thought it was just one of those things you say as a Christian.

I didn’t like to tell others I would pray for them because… because often, I really didn’t. Thinking again, it’s just the thing to say.

I came to a point in my Christian life a year, maybe year and a half ago, where I was done doing and saying all the right and expected things.
I was tired of pretending I got it, when really.. I hadn’t a clue.

Shayne and I were talking over the weekend and saying how in so many ways we feel we’ve started over. 
Back to square one. Simply – the gospel. And slowly adding to that…
although as we both agreed, it’s been quite the journey of discovery realizing there really isn’t much to “add” to that square after all. 
The gospel is it. Jesus Christ. What He’s done for us. It always comes back to the cross. ~
and in learnING this do I see myself grasping one small bit at a time what true prayer is. and the power it holds for us as Christians.

Finding often that genuine prayer carries the same theme – helplessness.relationship.repentance.seeking.journey.hope.

One of the most real examples being through this pregnancy. and the other two leading up to it… 
When I miscarried back to back last fall. Finding out I was expecting again the first of the year.  Full of doubts and lack of faith and fear. Thinking those were being realized yet again. Going through such a dark time spiritually of not believing God’s love. Realizing for the first time that trials and suffering ARE His love. Not liking that. Not wanting to pray. Feeling I couldn’t. The words getting stuck in my throat. Seeing so many of the views of God I grew up with or held to for years were not really Him, only what I wanted Him to be.  Not liking that. And feeling it was the prayers of others that carried me to the cross when I felt I couldn’t get there on my own.  And knowing because of them that God in His mercy spared this little one. Giving her life back to us, and in so doing, giving me a life in Him I hadn’t known before.

Because a true relationship with Jesus starts when we realize how much we need Him.
And that isn’t just a one time salvation type experience.
It never goes away. Only grows. Or it should.
He made us to be needy – so that in our search for something to fill the holes of our heart we’d find Him!

Redemption comes in the most unexpected places. Slowly, in the small, hidden spaces.

“We tell ourselves, “Strong Christians pray a lot. If I were a stronger Christian, I’d pray more. Strong Christians do pray more, but they pray more because they realize how weak they are. They don’t try to hide it from themselves. Weakness is the channel that allows them to access grace.

I’m not referring to well-known Christians. An interviewer once asked Edith Schaeffer, author and wife of evangelist and philosopher, Francis Schaeffer, “Who is the greatest Christian woman alive today?”

She replied, “We don’t know her name. She is dying of cancer somewhere in a hospital in India…”

I’m talking about that woman. Underneath her obedient life is a sense of helplessness. It has become part of her very nature.. almost like breathing. Why? Because she is weak. She can feel her restless heart, her tendency to compare herself with others. She is shocked at how jealously can well up in her. She notices how easily the world gets its hooks into her. In short, she distrusts herself. The result? Her heart cries out to God in prayer. She needs Jesus.

As we mature as Christians we see more and more of our sinful natures, but at the same time we see more and more of Jesus.

As we see our weakness more clearly, we begin to grasp our need for more grace.

The immature Christian has a small cross and a small view of her sin. She has little need to pray….”   {A Praying Life, Paul Miller}

*****

I’m not saying I’m a mature Christian, only that I think I finally know what one truly looks like.

And I’m grateful for those in my life who live this out first hand.
It’s just not reading it in some book by who knows who, it’s SEEING it.
Those who haven’t patted me on the head with a superficial, “I’ll pray for you…”
but have come along side of me with comfort and sincerity.
Who let me know they have needs too. and it’s okay. and together, we can take those needs to the Father.

For the first time ever I can honestly say that I’ve FELT the prayers of others.
I do not take that lightly.

I got dressed. Combed my hair. Put my earrings in and a little gloss on my lips. {yes.. I’m funny about wanting to look nice when I meet my babies for the first time!} I told the kids mamaw and papaw were on their way to get them, and was about to leave when Shayne pulled up seconds before! Home a day early, and just in time {THAT was your prayers}. After some intense stuff, everything was suddenly & surprisingly quiet. I’m not one to have false labor. I wait until I’m sure {again, THAT was prayer}. The midwife wanted to give me a test before going… where they can check the hormone levels of the baby to see if it’s preparing to be born in the next days, or week. She said she was pretty sure by how things were looking it would come back positive. So I came home – back to the couch – back to waiting. And feeling such a calm about everything. {again, prayers}. Late on Friday the midwife finally called and said the results were in and I wasn’t going to believe it, and neither did she, but they were negative. I think I asked 2 or 3 times if I heard right, “negative?” Which means based on the statistics of the success of this test, I shouldn’t have the baby for another 2 weeks! {yes. so very much -prayers!} I believe that with all my heart! 

*****

Here’s another {and fun one too} answer to prayer that came last Friday~

Just a few weeks ago I was standing in a group of ladies and we started talking about our engagement/ wedding rings.
I mentioned that my engagement ring had been lost for over 2 years.. and it was kinda starting to really bother me.
Later that night, alone in bed, I felt the Lord prick my heart to pray about it…. asking Him to help me find it.
I had exhausted all the places to look. Thinking that maaaaybe it was under Shayne’s huge oak desk because it seemed that was the last place I remembered it. {I hate typing or playing the piano with rings on}.

Well… I rather forgot about that prayer to Him that night.

Then on Friday, Ben was running the vacuum around his school desk and I was trying to tell him from the couch how to use the hose to get up all the little papers and stray food that seem to accumulate around his spot. When he wasn’t quite getting it {or doing it the way mom wanted, more like it} I got up and went over and started showing him how it was supposed to be done. Moving the desk and chair {since it was after my good news from the midwives!}, and accidently knocked over the kids computers that sit on the floor. – when I picked them up to stack them back up, right there… nestled deep into a TWO year groove in the carpet lay my engagement ring!!!!

not under or around Shayne’s desk as I thought. under the kids! they’ve been doing their online program for, yes… TWO years now!

{recently discovered that pillows make good props/backdrops for shots!}


“Oh, buddy!! Look what I found!!!!!” I squealed in excitement.

Ben walked over a bit hesitantly – I think not sure if it was going to be the typical fungus growing science project type stuff I usually find around the areas he traffics the most!

And then the prick from the Lord and my prayer that night came to mind….
I sunk back down on the floor from my knees and let my shoulders fall into a sigh as I did.
Staring at the little shiny thing in my hand for a second, then, looking up at Ben.

“I prayed Jesus would help me find this!” I held it up higher in the air. “And look at that, bud!!”

“That’s neat, mom.” he smiled. Then must have left after I turned back to inspect the ring, seeing an opportunity to get out of his vacuuming chore.

Yeah. maybe my kids don’t get the power of prayer quite yet either. That’s okay.
I know they will eventually… just like I am, still at times eventually getting it.
But I do so hope that stories like these – our little baby. the ring – will stay tucked in their minds and come out and echo through their hearts in years to come… in times ahead when they’ll need reminded that prayer works. that God is big enough. and He is faithful.

…just as reminding myself as I’ve written this has encouraged me. and I hope you as well. 
 

Wherever you are in life. With whatever you are facing. We have a God that sees. that knows. that cares.
Not only can we talk to Him about everything we feel – He LIKES hearing from us!

And no matter how many times I might tell myself that, or hear others say it, or write it…
that thought will never cease to cause me to shake my head in wonder and awe.

GOD – the creator of the universe – knows who I am and cares about the contents of my heart!

pausing.

shaking my head.

wonder.

awe.

every time.

And somehow… finding it underneath that computer on the floor with all the food and trash and fuzz balls it just looked so much more beautiful to me than it did 14 years ago in that park in Canada when I saw for the first time….

Maybe now I was seeing it with the true eyes of love.
Eyes that I’ve come to realize you’re not born with, but rather, have to be developed.

happy Monday and happy remembering those things that are ….  are good to remember!

{p.s. i added a song on my playlist, #14 i believe. i heard my younger brother danny sing it over the weekend. the message resonates with something in me. i’ve listened to it several times today.. putting my head back and closing my eyes. sometimes prayer is simply a word ~ “it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.”} 

Run to The Power – the Source available to me that gives me the true help and healing and cleansing I need!

how I love it that even if I’ve tried my own way first…  and then come to Him with the sticky ugly unpleasant mess I’ve created, He never turns me away. There is never a mess that I could carry to Him that would cause Him to be overwhelmed. to wonder how He’ll fix it. or worry that I’m beyond repair. Because He’s big enough like that. He’s capable. and He was designed to take the junk of my life and turn it into something beautiful – even desirable. it’s.what.He.does.

He embraces me – drips and all!

30 weeks.

Where have they gone?

The days have passed so quickly….

I planned on taking more pictures.
Journaling more.
Savoring more.
Having those home projects finished.
That wall painted.
The baby bed up.

Then again…
the days have crept so slowly.
One folding over into the other oh, so carefully and deliberate and drawn out.

It seems like an eternity has passed since I stared at that little white stick in my hand with those two pink lines staring back -
like arms lifted straight up towards heaven signifying my neediness and gratitude all at once.

Oh, baby…

Arms that have stayed stretched out to the Lord every step of this journey.
When we thought we were losing you…
but then there you were.
When they told us you were gone.
but then – no you weren’t.
As I worried and wondered if your life would really come to full fruition -
and felt tears at every kick and movement of reassurance within. 

I look at these pictures and can’t believe that’s my baby.
Right.there.you.are.

It’s like knowing someone but never having met them.
And loving them before you even see them.

I close my eyes at times and can smell the top of your head and feel the weight of your body in my arms.

 


Such a miracle.
Life
Motherhood
Love

Moments of time standing still and yet spinning wildly past you all in the same glorious sweeping motion…
coming back full circle, the end somehow becoming the beginning again.

I pause writing this and look out the rain covered window —

I started this pregnancy waiting.
and now it seems I’ll end it the same.

Yesterday at my midwives appointment she decided to go ahead and check me since I told her I’d been experiencing alot of pressure…. I don’t tend to go into labor like “normal” women and with my last two have been a bit blown away to discover I was 4 and 7 cm. dilated {though not at 30 weeks!} with having little, to no discomfort at all. But it’s why I had some question marks going off in my head this past week.

The midwife’s expression looking up at me told me the answer even before she spoke.

“Oh my…” she finally said. “There’s a head right there. You’re almost completely thinned out and atleast 1 cm. dilated, if not a bit more!!”

I laid there and looked up at the ceiling like I had done so many other times in that office it seems.
I knew I shouldn’t be surprised… I was kinda thinking it might be so.
But I still couldn’t help the soft tears that spilled down the sides of my cheeks filling my ears and causing her further words to be a bit muffled…

Something about going on strict bed rest. Coming back on Monday. And if I’ve dilated any more they’ll want to put me in the hospital.

So. yes. full circle.

The same spot on the couch.
The same tree I look at out the window.
The same blanket across my legs.
The same fears and worries and what if’s.

One things a bit different from the start though – -
my husband wasn’t 800 miles away.
I’ve felt that distance like a knife in my heart.
I’m emotional – and so wanting him to come make it all better.
Even though I know… 
and have already learned the hard way the last day and half as I’ve felt disappointed and let down because of my own expectations,
that God is the only one who can truly give me what I need~

Still.

Pause.

Smile.


That’s all I’ll say there for now.


I would so appreciate your prayers during this time. For baby to stay put!
I know many of you have prayed for this little one since the very first, and some even before that. 
And pray that I would not give in to all the hundred nagging worries – but rest.
Physically, yes. But spiritually and emotionally most.

And pray… pray I won’t have this baby without my husband! {that’s the biggest one for me right now}

Oh, baby…

How I love you and have longed for you and can’t wait to meet you.
But not yet. Hang out in there just a little bit longer.

We’ve made it these 30 weeks together.
I think we can do a few more.
 
anxious for you.
but waiting….

Football practice starts tonight .. and will be every night for the next two weeks!

Which means sometime between now and then we need to come up with some new practice pants and cleats..
his old ones are too small, resembling more like bikers shorts than pants and the cleats were already way tight last year!

Kate asked this morning what time her piano lesson was.. oh, yeah. Forgot I moved those to Monday’s again!

And I have a midwives appointment sometime today too between all that … gotta find out when.

I find myself chuckling a little inside that I thought this week would be different from the others -

Hellow Monday. Hellow Life. Right?

A expression of what you love.
A extension of who you are.

And it doesn’t have to look pretty to anybody else…
or even make sense.

If you stick that feather in,
stand back and tilt your head to the side,
sighing contentedly at what you see…

that’s all that matters. 

* * * * *

Some of my favorite feathers I’ve added.moved.or gathered around here lately –


Decorated for a bridal shower recently that left me with a ton of leftover votive candles….

Such a fast and inexpensive way to add warmth to any nest.
I loVe candles. and loTs of them.

…a word of advice -
buy ones that are ENCLOSED.
that won’t burn the house down.

just in case you happen to be like me and {might} forget to blow them out!

* * * *

I’ve had this chalkboard for a long time and have moved it from place to place…
Now trying out this wall that separates Kate and Ben’s room and think it’s my favorite spot yet for it.

I like being able to leave little messages on it for just.them.
Kinda like our own mailbox of sorts.

Chalkboards are one of the neatest decorating items –
Simply writing on them can change the look!

And if you’re like me and like change then, you’ll like chalkboards.

* * * * *

Some more re arranging of things…
this time the kitchen wall.

{before}

{after}

* * * * *

I absolutely fell in love with this picture/ painting from Hobby Lobby for 5 bucks!!
But the frame was all dented and scratched.

With a little Sharpie marker though – I don’t think you can even tell!

colored markers can make a great way to touch up nicks on things..
w/out having to break open a can of paint!

* * * *
 
Of course, flowers are a favorite fluff in my nest – and often.

I like putting them in non-traditional places….
On the floor. On a chair. Verses the typical, in the middle of the table.
It gives me the sense of something new being decorated when really,
it’s just a vase of flowers..

* * * * *

Here’s a dresser I picked up out of the garbage a while back.
Actually, it was my mom who really did the picking up.
She was with me and when I saw this I spun around to go back…
to which she jumped out and said,

“Well I don’t have any control over your crazy driving that near got me killed right there…
but you’re not having this baby before it’s time by lifting this thing.”

Love my mom.

I gave it to Ben as his project…
I think he’s going to paint it with chalkboard paint and turn it into a craft dresser.
With chalkboard paint we’ll be able to write on each drawer on the outside, labeling what’s in it.
looking forward to how it turns out.
I think it’ll be cute.

* * * * *

What have you been working on around your nest lately?
Any new feathers you’ve picked up or even some of your old favorites?

Would love for others to share.

  

On 3 July 1776, John Adams wrote home to his wife Abigail, excited that the Continental Congress had finally voted for independence the day before. He said:

“The Second Day of July 1776, will be the most memorable Epocha, in the History of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated, by succeeding Generations, as the great anniversary Festival. It ought to be commemorated, as the Day of Deliverance by solemn Acts of Devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with Pomp and Parade, with Shews, Games, Sports, Guns, Bells, Bonfires and Illuminations from one End of this Continent to the other from this Time forward forever more.

You will think me transported with Enthusiasm but I am not.—I am well aware of the Toil and Blood and Treasure, that it will cost Us to maintain this Declaration, and support and defend these States.—Yet through all the Gloom I can see the Rays of ravishing Light and Glory. I can see that the End is more than worth all the Means….”

* * * * *

I never realized until this year that the 2nd of July was when the Declaration was signed, however, the 4th was when it was made public. Making the reason why we celebrate the 4th.

We were at one of these such great Anniversary Festivals yesterday… melting in the heat, I mean, making memories despite the heat.

Kate and Ben were at their play practice and we went with just Emma for a few hours, but decided to go back after picking them up. We debated it at first – going back, or going home. But even though it was scorching hot, and Shayne and I were both extra tired from a long, long week, and I spend a good deal of time in the bathroom no matter WHERE we happen to be {7 month baby inside does that to ya}… still, what swayed us was wanting our kids to CeLeBraTe this day! It’s one worth celebrating. To stop and remember. To hoop& holler and oohh&aahh. To do things you wouldn’t normally do – like standing around sweating buckets while your kids get stars painted on their face by the girl scouts {that don’t exactly resemble stars}. To me, it’s worth the sacrifice of tiredness, heat, and even public restrooms so that the joy and pride we have in this country will, and hopefully is being passed on to them. That someday they’ll want that too for their families, cause…  “this is what we did when we were kids!”  

Over dinner at a little hamburger/ milkshake joint {that played “Lollipop” over and over on the jukebox that I’ve now had in my head ever since} we told the kids the story again of why America was founded. Why they wanted freedom from England. Though my husband’s Canadian he makes a better American history teacher than me {don’t ask about the details I was inserting… I finally just shut up}. I loved hearing him talk with such conviction as the kids sat wide eyed and obviously fascinated.

Interesting point he made to me later , not the kids, is that two of the main things our founding fathers were fighting for/ against…. religious freedom and lower taxation are two of the very things we still fight for/ against today!

Amazing how life cycles – - times may change, but people never do.

 

Still, despite her flaws I love my America.

Does she need God?
Of course.
But hasn’t she always?
Though some might not like it -
You cannot change.deny.or alter her history.
She was established upon the truths of God’s Word…
Just read the Declaration of Independence! {wow}

As Benjamin Franklin said : “The longer I live, the more convincing proofs I see of this truth: ‘that God governs in the affairs of men. ‘And if a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without His notice, is it probable that an empire can rise without His aid?”

And though this day sends me digging through my closet looking for the brightest red and white and blue I can find. {though I had to go with plain white – since that’s all that would fit}. To teach my kids {more} what it’s all about. To sing at the top of my lungs {and with conviction}, “God Bless America,” and feel that rush of emotion {with tears burning my eyes} as I watch our soldiers parade past in uniform…

I’m thinking this afternoon about another kind of “declaration.” A different sort of freedom, though similar – because it is freedom from a tyranny that seeks to rule and ruin and control my life. {eph.6:12}

And I’m reminded that even though I’m not taking down empires and setting up new ones, I’m far from a world leader, or even a remotely good one, and I’m not physically liberating people or fighting battles – - – YET. I am building something in my own right. Within the 4 walls of my home. Within the inner chambers of my heart. There is a battle that has freedom at it’s core. And if I’m to be an OVERCOMER — like the the founding fathers of our nation were – I better make sure I’m living by the same motto… “In God We {I will} trust.”  

He is the ONLY place true freedom is found.

{courting days}

{wedding day}

{married days}

no. we don’t always see fireworks when we kiss. we don’t have “the perfect marriage” like that.
but I’m glad regardless of what we’ve walked and weathered together… when it’s all said and done…
he’s still the one I want to be kissing for the rest of my life!

* * * * *

hapPy engagement anniversary uS! and haPpy birthday America!!

now to start gathering blankets.kiddos.and mosquito spray to go watch some {real} fireworks!!