July 19, 2010

• {a reminder on this Monday. mostly to me}

  
           
   
  
  I’ve never been a great prayer warrior.
  
  I wish I was.
  I’d like to be more of one.

  I’ve never been great at praying. period.
  I have a hard time paying attention.
  It sounds lame. but I do. 
  
  I used to never understand when people would say, “I FELT the prayers of others….”
  I thought it was just one of those things you say as a Christian.
  
  I didn’t like to tell others I would pray for them because… because often, I really didn’t. Thinking again, it’s just the thing to say.

  I came to a point in my Christian life a year, maybe year and a half ago, where I was done doing and saying all the right and expected things.
  I was tired of pretending I got it, when really.. I hadn’t a clue.
  
  Shayne and I were talking over the weekend and saying how in so many ways we feel we’ve started over. 
  Back to square one. Simply – the gospel. And slowly adding to that…
  although as we both agreed, it’s been quite the journey of discovery realizing there really isn’t much to “add” to that square after all. 
  The gospel is it. Jesus Christ. What He’s done for us. It always comes back to the cross. ~
  and in learnING this do I see myself grasping one small bit at a time what true prayer is. and the power it holds for us as Christians.

  Finding often that genuine prayer carries the same theme – helplessness.relationship.repentance.seeking.journey.hope.

   
   

  One of the most real examples being through this pregnancy. and the other two leading up to it… 
  When I miscarried back to back last fall. Finding out I was expecting again the first of the year.  Full of doubts and lack of faith and fear. Thinking those were being realized yet again. Going through such a dark time spiritually of not believing God’s love. Realizing for the first time that trials and suffering ARE His love. Not liking that. Not wanting to pray. Feeling I couldn’t. The words getting stuck in my throat. Seeing so many of the views of God I grew up with or held to for years were not really Him, only what I wanted Him to be.  Not liking that. And feeling it was the prayers of others that carried me to the cross when I felt I couldn’t get there on my own.  And knowing because of them that God in His mercy spared this little one. Giving her life back to us, and in so doing, giving me a life in Him I hadn’t known before.

  Because a true relationship with Jesus starts when we realize how much we need Him.
  And that isn’t just a one time salvation type experience.
  It never goes away. Only grows. Or it should.
  He made us to be needy – so that in our search for something to fill the holes of our heart we’d find Him!

  Redemption comes in the most unexpected places. Slowly, in the small, hidden spaces.

    
   

  
  I started re-reading a book I’d read before. Cause I had a feeling I’d read it differently this time. And I have.
  Yesterday, this part spoke to me~

  “We tell ourselves, “Strong Christians pray a lot. If I were a stronger Christian, I’d pray more. Strong Christians do pray more, but they pray more because they realize how weak they are. They don’t try to hide it from themselves. Weakness is the channel that allows them to access grace.

  I’m not referring to well-known Christians. An interviewer once asked Edith Schaeffer, author and wife of evangelist and philosopher, Francis Schaeffer, “Who is the greatest Christian woman alive today?”

  She replied, “We don’t know her name. She is dying of cancer somewhere in a hospital in India…”

  I’m talking about that woman. Underneath her obedient life is a sense of helplessness. It has become part of her very nature.. almost like breathing. Why? Because she is weak. She can feel her restless heart, her tendency to compare herself with others. She is shocked at how jealously can well up in her. She notices how easily the world gets its hooks into her. In short, she distrusts herself. The result? Her heart cries out to God in prayer. She needs Jesus.

  As we mature as Christians we see more and more of our sinful natures, but at the same time we see more and more of Jesus.

  As we see our weakness more clearly, we begin to grasp our need for more grace.

  The immature Christian has a small cross and a small view of her sin. She has little need to pray….”   {A Praying Life, Paul Miller}

  

  *****

  I’m not saying I’m a mature Christian, only that I think I finally know what one truly looks like.

  And I’m grateful for those in my life who live this out first hand.
  It’s just not reading it in some book by who knows who, it’s SEEING it.
  Those who haven’t patted me on the head with a superficial, “I’ll pray for you…”
  but have come along side of me with comfort and sincerity.
  Who let me know they have needs too. and it’s okay. and together, we can take those needs to the Father.

  For the first time ever I can honestly say that I’ve FELT the prayers of others.
  I do not take that lightly.

  And once again, God has answered.
  
  Last Wednesday I was positive it had started. I was in labor.

  I got dressed. Combed my hair. Put my earrings in and a little gloss on my lips. {yes.. I’m funny about wanting to look nice when I meet my babies for the first time!} I told the kids mamaw and papaw were on their way to get them, and was about to leave when Shayne pulled up seconds before! Home a day early, and just in time {THAT was your prayers}. After some intense stuff, everything was suddenly & surprisingly quiet. I’m not one to have false labor. I wait until I’m sure {again, THAT was prayer}. The midwife wanted to give me a test before going… where they can check the hormone levels of the baby to see if it’s preparing to be born in the next days, or week. She said she was pretty sure by how things were looking it would come back positive. So I came home – back to the couch – back to waiting. And feeling such a calm about everything. {again, prayers}. Late on Friday the midwife finally called and said the results were in and I wasn’t going to believe it, and neither did she, but they were negative. I think I asked 2 or 3 times if I heard right, “negative?” Which means based on the statistics of the success of this test, I shouldn’t have the baby for another 2 weeks! {yes. so very much -prayers!} I believe that with all my heart! 

  
  
  Thank you so much to those of you who have prayed for this baby girl.
  For the outpouring of your kindness through so many avenues – the words {which I love.. I’m a big words girl} and the gifts {love them too} the flowers {Audrey, these are pictures of the ones you sent today!} the cards and the meals!!! It all just means more than I can express. I’ve been overwhelmed by God’s goodness – and overwhelmed by the history of this little ones life – already!
  
  … and I’ve been thinking all day about two things.
  1). prayer works, and 2). a kind word or gesture is like CPR to the soul when you’re struggling
  
  if you know someone going through a rough time make that extra effort to let them know you care. I already find myself planning meals in my head to take to people when I’m able. I KNOW how much it means and I want others to have that sense too~
  

  *****
  
  Here’s another {and fun one too} answer to prayer that came last Friday~
  
  Just a few weeks ago I was standing in a group of ladies and we started talking about our engagement/ wedding rings.
  I mentioned that my engagement ring had been lost for over 2 years.. and it was kinda starting to really bother me.
  Later that night, alone in bed, I felt the Lord prick my heart to pray about it…. asking Him to help me find it.
  I had exhausted all the places to look. Thinking that maaaaybe it was under Shayne’s huge oak desk because it seemed that was the last place I remembered it. {I hate typing or playing the piano with rings on}.
  
  Well… I rather forgot about that prayer to Him that night.
  
  Then on Friday, Ben was running the vacuum around his school desk and I was trying to tell him from the couch how to use the hose to get up all the little papers and stray food that seem to accumulate around his spot. When he wasn’t quite getting it {or doing it the way mom wanted, more like it} I got up and went over and started showing him how it was supposed to be done. Moving the desk and chair {since it was after my good news from the midwives!}, and accidently knocked over the kids computers that sit on the floor. – when I picked them up to stack them back up, right there… nestled deep into a TWO year groove in the carpet lay my engagement ring!!!!

  not under or around Shayne’s desk as I thought. under the kids! they’ve been doing their online program for, yes… TWO years now!

  
  
  
  
  {recently discovered that pillows make good props/backdrops for shots!}
  
  
  “Oh, buddy!! Look what I found!!!!!” I squealed in excitement.
  
  Ben walked over a bit hesitantly – I think not sure if it was going to be the typical fungus growing science project type stuff I usually find around the areas he traffics the most!
  
  And then the prick from the Lord and my prayer that night came to mind….
  I sunk back down on the floor from my knees and let my shoulders fall into a sigh as I did.
  Staring at the little shiny thing in my hand for a second, then, looking up at Ben.
  
  “I prayed Jesus would help me find this!” I held it up higher in the air. “And look at that, bud!!”
  
  “That’s neat, mom.” he smiled. Then must have left after I turned back to inspect the ring, seeing an opportunity to get out of his vacuuming chore.
  
  Yeah. maybe my kids don’t get the power of prayer quite yet either. That’s okay.
  I know they will eventually… just like I am, still at times eventually getting it.
  But I do so hope that stories like these – our little baby. the ring – will stay tucked in their minds and come out and echo through their hearts in years to come… in times ahead when they’ll need reminded that prayer works. that God is big enough. and He is faithful.
  
  …just as reminding myself as I’ve written this has encouraged me. and I hope you as well. 
   

  
  
  
  Wherever you are in life. With whatever you are facing. We have a God that sees. that knows. that cares.
  Not only can we talk to Him about everything we feel – He LIKES hearing from us!
  
  And no matter how many times I might tell myself that, or hear others say it, or write it…
  that thought will never cease to cause me to shake my head in wonder and awe.
  
  GOD – the creator of the universe – knows who I am and cares about the contents of my heart!

  pausing.

  shaking my head.

  wonder.

  awe.

  every time.

  *****
  *****
  
  Here’s just a fun question for conversation I was thinking from seeing my rings again and all….
  
  *Did you pick out your engagement ring or did your husband? And, did you like it?
  
  Shayne did all the picking with mine~ designed it and had it made, even.
  And I liked the engagement ring fine, but wasn’t sure I liked the set together so much…
  the one was my wedding band, the other my first year anniversary band.
  
  I went through a time of wishing/ longing/ hinting for another one.
  Actually, I felt that about my whole entire wedding, etc.
  it wasn’t really my style  – who I was – blahblahblah.
  And for years, literally, it all would bug the snot out of me when I would think about it.
  
  But then, I don’t know. One day it’s like something clicked with me.
  Maybe it was something to do with realizing what really matters in life – - letting the important be the important.
  And things like rings and diamonds and wedding dresses… nope. aren’t that important in light of what “for richer or poorer” really mean.  
  It’s what happens on the other side of the alter that really counts, not how you look getting there.
  And some of my best memories of marriage – of growth and depth and closeness – happened in these past two years without a ring on my finger at all.
  
  But I am glad I have it again.

  And somehow… finding it underneath that computer on the floor with all the food and trash and fuzz balls it just looked so much more beautiful to me than it did 14 years ago in that park in Canada when I saw for the first time….

  Maybe now I was seeing it with the true eyes of love.
  Eyes that I’ve come to realize you’re not born with, but rather, have to be developed.

  happy Monday and happy remembering those things that are ….  are good to remember!

  
  ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
  (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber   
  

  {p.s. i added a song on my playlist, #14 i believe. i heard my younger brother danny sing it over the weekend. the message resonates with something in me. i’ve listened to it several times today.. putting my head back and closing my eyes. sometimes prayer is simply a word ~ “it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.”} 

  
  

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