{Sometimes it’s hard to be a Woman…}

Last week what I thought was a slight touch of the stomach flu…
turned out to be a urinary tract infection…
which turned out to actually not be one…
but some kind of “abnormal bacteria” that masks itself with the same symptoms…
which I guess I’ll continue to have on and off throughout pregnancy…
which isn’t dangerous to me, but is to baby if they don’t catch it in time..
which now they have…
so I’ll be treated right before delivery for it and all should be fine!

But jumping back a bit for a moment~
while still taking the prescription for what they thought was the UTI over the weekend I kept feeling increasingly worse instead of better.
Which if anything this experience has further taught me when it comes to being sick~ listen to your instincts!
By late Monday night when I began to have some profuse bleeding {which scared me to death}…
and the doctor said it was either the infection moving to my kidney’s or a reaction to the medicine {which turned out to be the latter}…
He told me to get into my midwives the next day as soon as possible.
And of course that night – my mind, and heart were racing!

Before going to bed I felt prompted to go on facebook and ask for prayer,
where I knew family and friends would see it, and care and pray…
but I hesitated.
I’ll be honest. I was a bit embarrassed to ask for prayer…
I could envision the eyes rolling like, “what’s up with this girl now? it’s just one thing after another with her!”
Feeling somehow that I was being dramatic or whiny and complaining.
Not wanting to come across as one of those “energy drainer” kind of people.

And really.
bottom line.
what it is…
I just don’t like being weak.
Admitting I need others.
I need help.
I can’t do it alone.

But there it is.
And that’s just it.

I am weak.
I do need others.
I need help.
and no. I can’t always {ever} do it on my own.

Yes. God is our “Satisfier” and provides all we need…
but people are one of His favorite channels to use to do just that!

We need the Aaron’s in our lives to come lift our hands when we don’t feel the strength to do it ourselves.
Praise God for those kind of people!!!

So. I stuck my little status thingy up.
“Needing prayer.. for healing. rest. and peace.”

Sure the enemy came in and wanted to trip me up with what some might think of my vulnerableness or “neediness”..
but I’ll tell you this —
I slept better that night than I had in more than a week!
Solid. Uninterrupted by having to go the bathroom a million times. and peaceful.
And woke up feeling so much better… which I knew….
I knew was something much deeper than just getting a good night’s rest!!

God has confirmed to me over and over especially through this pregnancy that prayer is not only powerful… but needed.
And not just for us. for others. for the whole body of Christ. to help unite our hearts in one common goal before the throne of grace.
But how can others pray if they don’t know? If we’re too proud or embarrassed or whatever to open our mouths and ASK.
As one friend said to me, “I WANT to pray for you.. I can’t always do other things. But hey, I can pray.”

So I’m grateful~ not only for the healing God has brought to my body the last few days, but for that special reminder…
we.are.not.alone.
And weren’t intended to be!

A special thanks to those “Aaron’s” in my life this past weekend…
Anna. Mike. Susie. Mom {who never ceases to amaze me with her servants heart}. and of course, Shayne {who just never ceases to amaze me}

  

  

Yesterday was our first warm day after a spell of some cold rains..
so the kids and I headed outside.
I’m still feeling a bit weak, but loved laying on the blanket soaking up the sunshine…
and then venturing around a nearby little pond, spotting turtles and finding grapevines to swing on!

 
(pointing out the turtles)

Seeing this sign reminds me of something Ben said to me last week~

“Mom, how come people only want to save the cute animals?”

“What do you mean, bud?”

“Well..  people talk about the poor dolphins getting caught in the tuna traps… “

“Yeah.. “

“Well what about the poor TUNA!!!”

good point.

   

I’m one of those people that has absolutely no sales resistance.
If your child is a girl scout send her to my house and I will buy one of every box of cookies…
possibly two.

So several weeks back.. at the beginning of this pregnancy when I was having to sit alot and take it easy,
I was watching more tv than normal.
And I don’t know what it is but I get so sucked into those infomercial things!
{I guess it’s the lack of sales resistance thing}

I’d seen this one several times for a hair product and since it was on a day where my hair looked especially crappy,
and I happened to have a bit of birthday money left.. I decided to give it a try.

It took a month to get to me.
Which I wasn’t happy about.

But now that I’ve got it I’ve forgotten all that.

I think I really like it.

It’s supposed to be some kind of revolutionary organic stuff that doesn’t strip your hair of it’s natural oils.
Shayne says it’s probably just Suave that’s in a fancy bottle and it’s all psychological!
Maybe.
But I like the psychological way it’s making my hair look!!

and I don’t think I would have enjoyed that juicer or 100 piece set of tupperware I almost bought instead nearly as much!!

I also love this new stuff I bought.

I like a powder with a bit of a shine.
I think it helps makes you look less pasty and just.. brighter!

Besides. I happen to think it’s really pretty.

Another psychological thing I’m sure. :p

And.

I have never ever ever been one to recommend a sunless tanning anything…
trust me. I had tried them all.. and no matter what they promise,
I would still end up looking like I was rusting at the joints!

But a few weeks ago when I was desperate to wear some of my cute spring skirts,
but not liking the blinding white of my legs sticking out the bottom …
I found myself re visiting those jars and bottles once again that had been taboo. :/

I actually found this one where the nail supply stuff is in Target!
And I really think it works.
seriously.

I put lotion on my legs and arms first before applying it…
then spray some in my hands and rub it on.
It doesn’t seem to have that giveaway orange look of most sunless tanners ~
or that weird smell. what is with that?
But still – as basic rule for any sunless tanners – use with caution.
just sayin.
It does seem to wash off easy with soap and water.
No heavy chemicals or metals brushes required!
  

What’s some of your all time favorite “girly” products you love?

I heard this song the other day, and it always makes me smile..
it’s a favorite of mine and I found this youtube version that cracks me up.
Check out the hair! How did they even get it to do that?
And we thought music videos hadn’t been around that long! 

Sure. Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman.
but most of the time, ya gotta admit…
it’s all rather FUN!!!

Hope you’re enJOYing the day~

amber.  

{a little beach in a bottle}

I’m not an artist. I’m more of a doodler.
Even my stick men somehow turn out looking deformed.

But for some reason all my kids have this huge love for art.

 

So recently I bought a role of butcher paper to cover the kitchen table with…
found a wooden basket at Hobby Lobby for half off..
some cute little buckets in the dollar aisle at Target…
and set up a permanent place for them to be able to color and create.

At first I wasn’t sure if the “new look” was just going to be cluttered and messy.
But actually I’m really liking it – It’s Fun. Bright. and Springy!!

And even I’m enjoying doodling there from time to time.

 
Pretty flowers and sweet treats add to the fun.. 

  

= = ~ = = ~ = =

Not long ago while walking in the woods, Emma found a little bottle…
she started carrying that thing everywhere.
Putting anything and everything inside.

One afternoon last week she came to me and asked,

“Tan we doe det sum beach ta put in dis?” 

Her crazy ideas and impulsiveness is something I identify with.

So since the older kids were still working on school and Shayne was home early to stay with them…
just Little Bits and I set out to “det sum beach” 15 minutes or so up the road at the lake.

It was a little chilly… but the sun would pop out from behind a cloud from time to time making it pleasant.

We dug a bunch of big holes and filled them with water…
buried each others feet in the sand…
chased the seagulls…
twirled until we were too dizzy to stand up..
and huddle down close together when a gust of wind would whip up and give us goose bumps.

When my energy began to run out and hers had still a long ways to go yet,
I sat on the cool sand and watched. and smiled. and laughed. and marveled at my girl.
Her enthusiasm and spirit and sweetness.

 

And every now and then she’d come and sit beside me…
with arms wrapped around her legs that were drawn up tight to her chest.
And we’d talk.
Just the two of us.
All alone there.
About all kinds of things.
About whatever we wanted.  

I think this past year especially I’ve so realized the key importance of communication in parenting…
And that it’s about much much more than words.
It’s listening…
Knowing when that’s all that’s needed…
Knowing when we need to say something..
Learning that what we say isn’t nearly as important as what we’re living… 
which is what our kids will believe far more than what’s coming out our mouths.

Shayne was telling me just earlier today that statistics show that only 30% of our communication is based on words!

 

  
 

Later that day as Emma and I drove home I kept glancing back in the mirror at my bright pink cheeked, rumpled hair little girl..
who was now very quiet. and very tired.

I thought of future days to come…
of talking and sharing and communicating.
When things would be a little more serious than how clouds stay in the sky and why purple is the best color ever!
And I found myself whispering a prayer that she would always know… that all my kids would…
and above anything, truly feel that there is that open invitation – the ease and freedom to come plop beside mom and just.talk.

 

I came across this verse in my Bible yesterday and even though it was all underlined with notes jotted beside it..
I still had kinda “forgotten” about it.

But I love it. And so feel it echoes my number one desire to see fulfilled in my kids lives~

“That you would love the Lord your God, and obey His voice.
And that you would hold to Him alone: for He is your life… ” Deaut. 30:20

I want to write it out on something and hang it up somewhere in the house so that I won’t forget it again.    

amber.

{If we had no winter.. spring would not be so pleasant}

 

“I think the day the Lord created hope was probably the same day he created Spring.”

“But. Still. There are the smells. Deep, earthy, living smells of promising spring.
Who cares that the smell comes from the thawing earth and thickening mud!
As though the world was taken out of the freezer like a giant chunk of frozen meat…
and plopped on the kitchen counter to thaw,
life slowly and nervously begins to soften, relax, and seep out.

Thank heaven for the smell of muddy spring. Hope, it seems, can come in many forms–even smelly ones.”

 

“If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.”

 

 

HapPy FirSt dAy oF SpRinG!! {as my kids kept reminding me all day yesterday was today!}

{Life is not a snapshot}

Xanga has been a good learning tool for me, on so many fronts…
I never would have guessed that through blogging I would discover more about myself.
Places in my heart that still need so much work.
Places I thought were healed.
Were fine.
Were dealt with and closed tight with a nice little bow and tag on the side that reads,
“This area of construction complete.”

But with the return of my “bb gun stalker” … and no I’ve never talked about this publicly on my site …
{some of you will remember this from several years ago when it first occurred}
I’ve seen that this area is not quite finished, and God had some further building to do.

Especially coming on the tail of other criticisms from blogging “strangers” I’ve dealt with the past year and half.

Caring what people thought of me was something I felt that I had under control.
Growing up in a pastor’s home I was used to people watching my life in a fish bowl…
and always having opinions on which way I should be swimming.

Although as I’ve discovered..
those who like to stand outside others bowls and tell them they’re swimming in the wrong direction are not just confined to pastor’s families.
Sadly, I think it’s just life.
And more sad still – Christians.
It really has become a disease among our churches…
pulling out the microscopes instead of the mirrors!

I think it’s important to remember with everyone’s life that we don’t see the whole picture.
Which is exactly what happened with this “stalker” person several years back.
It’s easy to draw wrong conclusions when we’re not operating on all the facts.

I remember thinking how controlling one particular friend of mine seemed with her kids.
But then when I heard her story of growing up in a home of abuse. betrayal. and just pure wickedness…
It made more sense.

I love what Sandra Bullock said in her acceptance speech at the Oscars,
thanking her mom for “not letting me ride in cars with boys until I was 18…
because I would have done what you said I was going to do.”

Yes. Later in life we discover our parents knew a thing or two..
and often their protection is born out of their own experiences.

But that’s just it.
We don’t always know the history with people..
the stories behind what makes them who they are.
And our observations are not always as accurate as we think they are.

Beyond genuinely knowing someone –
Bottom line, we can’t see into others hearts.
And it’s pretty bold to go presuming we can.

I know this though, and I’m often reminding my kids…
there is what is called, “The fruits of the Spirit.”
EVIDENCES of whether or not our actions and words are being controlled by the Spirit.

So, when I see those who are gossipy.. whisperers.. accusers.. and “presumers..”
I don’t exactly see that behavior lining up with the things that are supposed to mark us as a child of God.

And trust me.. I’m not just talking about behavior that’s contrary to the fruit of the Spirit from an observers stand point.
No. I know the behavior all too well because I live it all too often.
That’s just it. This isn’t about those who judge me being so wrong,
and me coming off as the innocent, I never step a toenail out of line kind of person…
I see my flaws and faults.
But trying to be someone I’m not,
“copying” others,
and having a son that likes to kill small animals aren’t among them.
If you’d like a more accurate list I can provide you with one.

But I’m very aware of the things in my life that need the canvas of God’s grace to cover.

So when an issue comes up… all I know to do is take it before the Lord and ask Him to reveal the truth to me.
Sometimes it’s extra hard because yes, that person was right.
Sometimes it’s extra hard because no, that person was way off.
No matter how you slice and dice it self examination brought on by others isn’t fun.
But if I feel peace from God in an area.. then man’s opinion shouldn’t effect me. right?

I usually let the kids read the comments on their birthday posts..
but I hadn’t with Ben.
He asked me about it the other day and I told him what the bb gun stalker person had said -
Ben has a huge heart and is super sensitive to things. So I was kinda surprised when he started laughing…
“She thinks I like killing animals? Mom, that’s just not true!”

I loved his mater of fact response.
His resilience.
And the way he so quickly shrugged it off and went back to eating his ice cream -
He knew it held no truth. So he wasn’t bothered by it.

I watched him for several seconds. Smiling. Proud.
And wished I could let go of “accusations” so easily.
Even ones I knew held no truth.

Thing is.

I don’t.

I used to think I could.

Maybe in my old age I’m crankier and find things sticking to me more easily.
Or when you’re dealing with people who always seem to find SOMETHING…
I was telling a friend last night that there are those that even if you said,
“Okay. give me the list. Tell me what I need to do to win your approval…. “
As soon as you were following the list, there would be another to follow.
“Oh, when I said skirts I didn’t mean that one was okay… ”
Or, and a new one for me… people in the blogging world who have never met you in real life,
but suddenly hold the monopoly on all the issues you need to deal with!

But actually.
The reason I think it’s hard for me to turn loose of some of this stuff is -
bottom line – I want everyone to like me.

And I don’t think I’m so unusual in wanting that.

I don’t think anyone relishes the thought there is someone out there who has something against us.
Whether it’s true or not. No matter who it is…
family. friends. blogging “strangers.”
Or even someone as wacky as my “bb gun stalker!”

But. and here is where God had to open back up an area I didn’t realize still needed so much work…

In the past if I thought someone was upset with me, or didn’t like me,
I would trip and blubber all over myself trying to win their approval.
Feeling such a huge need to EXPLAIN myself and be understood. 
Ever been there?

And here’s where the nails especially got hammered in with me this week…
Reality is. Not everyone is going to like me in life….
And I cannot change that by “nicing them to death.”
Pretending that it doesn’t bother me.
Pretending it doesn’t hurt.
Even pretending that I don’t care whether or not I have their approval-
because in my heart of hearts I do care.
and probably always will.
But though it matters to me…
it doesn’t have to control me.

It is such an exhausting way to live life on the voices of others opinions.

When I do I either end up phony. or bitter.

Relationship stuff is so tough.
and unique.
and like nothing else in the world to truly reveal our real selves. 
Because no matter how wrong or hurtful someone else has been..
at the end of the day,
when it’s all said and done -
their response is not our responsibility.
Only our own.
And when God asks us to be the first one out of the corner, to uncross our arms and go make it right…
or love regardless…it’s hard and we’re vulnerable and it can be plain downright scary!
But I’m believing more and more it’s not really so much about the outcome…
as it is about the process.

And as much as I’d like every person in the world to love me and think I’m great…
it just ain’t so~
There will always be those relationships in my life – people I know.. people on the internet…
that baffle and confuse me and irritate the snot out of me in their unfairness and in my opinion, wrong view of me.

But regardless of how many times we’re knocked down or wounded..
we have to keep our hearts open. tender.
And no matter how justified we think we are to be unkind and cruel,
as a child of God – we never are.
 
And I’m not talking about a self righteous pat on the head to those people we’re struggling with.
No one likes to be made to feel like a “ministry opportunity.”
I’ve been there. Felt like one. Yuck.

But I think we can ask God to give us a legitimate heart for that person..
to help us by His grace push through the pain and be able to display sincerity and warmth.
Because He can do that, ya know? It’s His specialty.
Fixing what was broken. Restoring what was lost. Bringing beauty out of ashes.

There’s alot of beauty in my life in friendships and life lessons that were birthed through some very unpleasant circumstances.

Wanting others approval is something that might have some open construction in my life for awhile…
I deceived myself by thinking it was done.
But living and striving for it is something that I feel a whole new breath of fresh air kind of freedom in.

I know that no person on this planet can fill up the big swiss cheese holes in my heart….
Those empty places that God and Only God can fill.

“And yet. God designed us to enjoy and need people too.
So. It becomes this wild-n-crazy out of balance see-saw for me.
Very quickly, without Him.
Because I am always trying to plug people in places they don’t belong.

The other side to the see-saw is the deceiver beating me up for the way God designed me.
I hate feeling needy. I even feel “guilty” for it. But isn’t that the very thing that should send me to Him? First. of course.

And sometimes, doesn’t it? shouldn’t it? include other people as well?!
Not Ever in place of Him, but because of Him?!”

Yes.None of the crazy, emotional and often hard things we go through with others is random.
It’s one of God’s number one ways of reminding us how fragile we are. how needy.
And ultimately, how so in need Of Him we truly are!

Sunday night when I was struggling through alot of this stuff I just laid my head over on my knees and said,
“Lord, do you get this…”
I had different scenes from His life flash through my mind.
Talk about being misunderstood, wrongly accused, lied to, lied about, hurt, rejected…
on levels I’ll certainly never endure.
And it was like I could see Him smiling down with this huge grin on His face saying, “You better believe I get it.”

And He went through what He did, so that when I go through what I do,
I would know that He’s more than capable of providing a way of victory and freedom! 

a song i’m loving lately-

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

and a Scripture i’m loving lately-

“Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness; for in You do I trust.
Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift my soul up to You.” ps. 143:8

{One.plus.One}

When Kate and Ben were little, both under two -
“older” moms would tell me to savor those days..
that they would soon be gone, and I’d miss them and want them back.

I can so remember just staring at them from my sleep deprived eyes like, “right?”

But they were!

And though I don’t necessarily find myself wanting to “go back” …
I kinda think the older ages are alot of  fun too-
I do find myself amazed how quickly their littleness went away,
and get all emotional thinking of how few years they really have left with us.
Then they wonder why I’m being extra huggy and all lovey dovey.

I think the neatest thing for me as a mom has been discovering some of the sweetest friendships with my very own kids!!
I mean I always felt that with my parents, but I don’t know.. I’m not sure you truly realize the specialness of it until you’re a parent yourself.

And today, one of those best friends turns 11.

My Ben.

There is so so much that immediately rushes to the top of my heart to share about him…
I.love.that.kid.to.death.
He’s absolutely amazing. 
And yes.. this word is a good description too - 

But I don’t have the of time to write all I’d like cause he’s having a big party this afternoon with a bunch of other lively 10 & 11 year olds…
and I’ve still got lots to do… and it looks like we’re going to get rained on…
so the party planned for outside is coming in!!!
Time to get creative in the entertainment department…
Wonder what they’ll think of ‘The Quiet Game?’

There’s more details and history about my sweet boy here.here.here. and here.

While going through the pictures to stick in this post I couldn’t get over these two shots -
how much he looks like his dad. and I’m glad. cause I think his dad isn’t bad to look at.

So~ haPpY biRthDaY to the second most important man in my life!!!!

You are a gift. and I’ll forever be grateful God gave you to me.

love, mom.

{i love monica}

On Tuesday at my appointment I saw a midwife I hadn’t seen yet up to this point.

“Wow! You’ve had quite the experience the past few months.” She said looking up from my chart.

I smiled. “Yeah, which is why I’m a bit nervous being here today. Every appointment so far has been pretty eventful…”

She stood up and starting putting her gloves on…

“Well let’s just put your mind to ease right from the start, dear. Lay on back and let’s get that baby’s heartbeat.”

She squeezed the cold jelly out on my stomach…

“You’re a good 12 weeks so we shouldn’t have a problem getting it.”

She turned the little doppler device on and began moving it slowly across my belly…
I could hear different swishes and swooshes and kept thinking, “is that it? no. there it is?”

She tilted her head to one side and listened more intensely.
Pushing the doppler down harder and moving it from side to side.

So much for the idea of this easing my mind!

“Hmm..” She finally sat up straight and turned the tiny microphone off.
“Let’s see if anyone’s available in the sonogram department…”

I felt a million screams wanting to come out my mouth!!
And when she left the room seriously contemplated running out of that office as fast as I could…
little blue robe on and all!

That morning when I was talking to my mom I told her I was feeling anxious about the appointment.
She assured it was just a standard check up –
“They won’t be doing a sonogram or anything, sis.”

Guess again.

When I walked down the hall I prayed the sonogram tech in that day would be the nice one-
whose name started with a M… I couldn’t remember exactly what it was.
I didn’t want the mean grumpy old lady that had “missed” baby and told us he was gone.

When I walked through the door there was M.
Which I learned that day actually stands for Monica.

“Oh sweetie…” she sighed and smiled compassionately. “When they told me the patients name was, Amber, I was like, Noooooo!”

But within seconds, once again, Monica found Hutchbaby.
All bouncy and waving like before.
She laughed and talked about how cute he was.
Let me hear the nice strong heartbeat.
And printed out a clear shot of his profile with his hand in front of his face. {we’re getting quite the collection}

We joked about me naming the baby after her since she’s the only one who seems able to find him…
she said she thinks this one just likes having it’s picture taken!
And we said we felt we should do lunch or something since we’ve already been through alot together in our short time of acquaintance.  

I just love that lady! I love her spirit and her love for the little life inside me~

So grateful and relieved everything’s still okay.

I thought I’d get some shots to document the end of my first trimester.
It’s going by so fastandsoslow all at the same time.
Kate took these this morning out in the shed, since it was raining.

Say hello to the ever growing tummy o mine that’s housing the world’s only unborn hide-n-go-seek champion!!

   

 
 

Thanks again for all your prayers ~ keep em coming!
This little one has been so saturated with the grace and mercy of God.

“I love the Lord because he has heard the voice of my supplications. Because he has inclined his ear to me, therefore will I call upon him as long as I live. The sorrows of death compassed me, and the pains of hell got hold of me: I found trouble and sorrow. Then called I upon the name of the Lord; O Lord I beseech you, deliver my soul. Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yea, our God is merciful.”  psalm 116 

amber.

{toothpaste on my toothbrush}

This week has been gorgeous.

Sixties and sunny.
Finally wearing shirt sleeves and sandals for the first time of 2010. yaY!

The sandals don’t seem to stay on long though.
It only takes a small amount of warmth for my kids to think it’s barefootin weather…
and Emma went and promptly laid out both her swim suits in case we, “doe to da beach.”

Instead of the beach, we did spend some time at a park yesterday around a little pond…
So peaceful and relaxing.

 
{this picture reminds me of the verse – “and he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water…”}
 

On Saturday we held a reception for my brother and his wife for those who couldn’t make it to Texas for the wedding.
Between the holidays and snow storms it got pushed a bit further back than I had planned…
But, everything came together and it was just a sweet sweet time.

If you’ve ever planned any kind of party or anything I think you know what I mean when I say that the decorations and food are such a small part of something being nice…
to me it’s seeing that everyone is comfortable and relaxed and that there’s a spirit of genuine joy and unity…
which I don’t think you can necessarily “create”- but I had prayed that would be the atmosphere, and it was. So I was pleased.
I’ve been to parities and planned parties where when it’s all said and done it’s like, “just get me out of here!!”
I’m laughing to myself recalling some of those! :/ oh dear~ 

{some shots of the room}
  

        
  
   
{got the idea to spray paint tree branches from Anthropologie}

{and saw some kind of flower “chandelier” in the Pottery Barn kids catalog that this idea came from}
 

 

I have to say that I’ve really been impressed by my new sis in law.
She’s moved hundreds of miles from home, and from the south to the north {in the wintertime no less}!
And not only stepping into her brand new role of a wife, which can come with adjustments and getting used to all on it’s own…
but has also stepped into being a young pastor’s wife on top of it all.

My heart really felt for her because I would have flashbacks of my own starting out the same way.
New home. Hundreds of miles away from family. A pastor’s wife.
And I grew up in it, so atleast I was more prepared for what things would be like…
finding out when the pressures and criticisms came I wasn’t as “prepared” as I thought.
And are those the kinds of things you can really ever be prepared for though, come to think of it?

So I’ve known.. known what Bryn was stepping into. Been nervous for her.
And yet, find myself so amazed at how she’s handled herself with such grace and calm.
Not reactionary. Not angry.
And she’s joked that the whole role of a pastor’s wife goes so against her nature –
she’s not really social. not a huge talker. she doesn’t look at herself as any kind of role model or “leader,”
and I know has felt a bit overwhelmed by the expectations others have put on her.
But I love her attitude. being able to laugh and say, “I kinda knew life with Jeffrey wouldn’t be dull.”
It brings tears to my eyes even now…
to her, it’s just about just being Jeff’s wife. and if some of this stuff comes with the territory, that’s okay.  

I’ve learned from her.
She never seems to be too swayed by others opinions of her.. yet, still, willing to change and try not to offend.
Key word – TRY.
Isn’t it true that if you want to find fault in someone you will!
I mean for all of us, honestly… you don’t have to look too far to find something to criticize.
Why? Because we’re human. We’re fleshly. We fail. We are flawed people.

It’s sad that the body of Christ is so bad about extending the same grace to others that we want and expect in our own lives.
Imagine if we tried to view one another through rose colored glasses stained with the blood of Jesus.
So that when we looked at others – others who might be different from us. others that we don’t get or understand…
instead of seeing all the “wrong”.. all the things that need to change..
we were able to look and see what Christ has done for US!!
And be able to extend that same grace and compassion and mercy.
I think our responses would be a bit softer. our words less cruel. and our thoughts less judgemental.

Can you tell I’m a defensive big sister that’s jacked on pregnancy hormones.

I’m grateful for the new addition to our family….
and no one will really know all the meaning in that sentence but me.
The things God has done in my own heart through it all.  

But every person and every change that enters our life is from the hand of God. I honestly believe that.

love you bryn. and i’m proud of you. <3

{following pictures by Emma}

    

{and Emma’s favorite part of the day- eating cupcakes}

 

I was thinking on Saturday…. no, actually it was more on Friday while setting up…
cause I didn’t do much thinking on Saturday now come to think of it I was so brain dead tired by then.
But how fun is young love to see and be around. the spirit the closeness the inside whispers and laughs and looks…
and how that it doesn’t have to just be confined to “young love.”
That same freshness can be alive in our marriages no matter if it’s been 3 months or 30 years….

I remember everyone saying that the first year of marriage was the hardest…
and then wondered what we were doing “wrong” when it wasn’t. haha!
It was just pretty wonderful and great…
but then this past year – our 13th year –
I suddenly felt that maybe that rough first year everyone had warned us about was finally catching up to us.

In the summer things got intense. And I couldn’t even say what was causing it…
I know we were under alot of pressure with Shayne’s business, our finances, and trying to make the decision to move to Canada or not.
We weren’t on the same page with everything and I felt the distance creeping in.

I remember thinking how that I’d heard different woman talk about how they felt they didn’t love their husbands like they should, and how they prayed for God to restore that, and I would think… “how unromantic is that!!” But suddenly – - – I was one of those women! 

And I hated it. Hated what I was feeling and struggling through. But yes, there was no other answer than to take it to the Lord.

One night, while Shayne and I were sitting in a dark parking lot talking about where our marriage was at I suddenly felt God answer that prayer – but it wasn’t exactly the answer I had thought it would be.

The answer wasn’t about HIM – - him changing.
The answer was ME.

I had grown bitter and cold and the most scary part, so self centered.
It was about what I wanted. what I thought was best. what I thought needed to happen, etc.
And God just broke me right there and then and dropped the blinders from my eyes, revealing how I had been so wrong. 

There is so much emphasis in our Christian circles of the man being the main one responsible..
he’s the leader. he’s the one the success of the home and marriage rests upon.
But I don’t think I agree with that… I think some of us wives can mess things up pretty good all on our own, without any help from him.

One thing I realized too is that sometimes things are not as complicated as we make them…
it’s not all like we need a counselor and weekly projects and three magic steps to get us back on track –
sometimes it’s just doing what we already know to do.
And usually that doesn’t take the brain of a rocket science to figure out what those things are.

I think the enemy would like us to think a situation is hopeless and beyond repair –
to overwhelm us and cause us to feel it’s too big and too hard and nothing will ever change.

But there is NOTHING bigger or more powerful than Jesus Christ! Absolutely nothing.

 

For me, it was getting back to basics.
To that young love attentiveness to the other…

I saw how that I had stopped communicating my love in the small ways –
the notes and lipstick messages on the mirror.
the favorite desert.
the romantic candles in the bedroom.
the hugs and touches for no reason other than to say, “i know you’re there, and i’m glad.”
and… even something as insignificant as putting toothpaste on the other ones toothbrush.
it sounds silly.
but it wasn’t to us.
On our honeymoon it was this crazy “tradition” we started…
whoever was first to the bathroom would get the other ones toothbrush ready for them.
again, just another little way to let the other one know we were thinking of them.

But during that time last summer guess what? 
Pasting each others brushes had stopped.

That night after our life changing {truly} talk and time on that dark parking lot,
when I walked into the bathroom, there on the sink was my toothbrush~
a big ole glob of toothpaste never looked so beautiful to me or tasted so good!

And since that time things have continued to climb back to the early years of wonderfulness..
not perfection. cause that was never there.
But when two people are making a conscious, deliberate effort to selflessly love the other –
yes it can be pretty wonderful.

 

Time to go to my doctor’s appointment this afternoon…
I’m a bit nervous. I don’t know why – maybe just because all my visits so far have been very emotional ones.
Hopefully today’s will be normal. and uneventful.
I can’t believe I’m to the 12 week mark {this Friday}!
This first trimester has flown by…
although I guess a few weeks ago I would have said it was creeping by. haha!
I guess that comes with being pregnant – changing your mind often.

have a great day!

amber.       

{Going on the war path}

I can remember so many times as a teenager standing in the bathroom putting my make up on…
leaning way over the sink, as close to the mirror as I could get.

And it seemed without fail, that at some point in the process my dad would walk by and stick his head in and say -

“Getting your war paint on again?”

That memory makes me smile.

And came to my mind as I watched my girls the other night playing in my make up bag.

They literally did look like little Indians when all was said and done.
Emma’s actually the one who knows where everything goes –
she likes to sit on the floor by me whenever I’m getting ready to go somewhere…

So it was funny cause she was telling Kate.. “dis dose here.”
Her instructions were right, even if her aim was a little off.

 

Then, of course she thought Kate looked so nice and she wanted to look just like her! 

Thinking of what it means to raise girls I have so many words come to mind.
Fun, is one. Comradery, another.
And SOBERING…. that one always finds it’s way in there and creeps to the top of the list!

Because it’s not enough to simply say to my girls, “this is how a woman of God should act…”
My words mean nothing if my life doesn’t back it up.

I can plaster a smile on my face and PRETEND to be some kind of perfect role model….
perhaps fooling others. But no matter how many layers I’m hiding under my kids see straight through all that.

Like at Ben’s basketball game recently when Emma was boinging up and down on my lap and I was growing increasingly irritated because I wanted to watch the game..
but, not wanting to let those around me know I was losing my cool – since they already think I’m the crazy home school lady…
I pulled Emma close and tried to whisper as nicely as I could for her to behave.
To which she pulled back, looked up at me innocently and said all too loudly,

“Why you andry mommy?”

“I’m not angry sweetheart.” I said through somewhat clenched teeth. “Now talk more quietly!”

Our kids know the real us… and not the us we sometimes deceive ourselves into thinking we are.

Amazing how even if we’re using all the right words and trying to talk in the right tone – it’s still our spirit that speaks the loudest.

Not long ago I had something happen with Kate that really drove this home with me…

We were headed out somewhere and she was wearing a shirt that, well, I just don’t like that shirt. So, I asked her to change.
She became obviously upset and let me know with her attitude… which puzzled me, because that is just so not like Kate.
Wanting to understand what was going on in her heart I said,

“Sweetie it’s just a shirt.. why is this such a big deal to you?”

Kate is not confrontational. Usually I have to dig out what’s bothering her. But this time the response was quick.

“Mom.. do you only love me if I look a certain way?”

“What?” I blurted out, feeling emotions from every direction flooding in.
 
Time seemed to stand still for a bit…
like it does in Fiddler on the Roof where Tevy stops and talks to himself at different points throughout the movie. 

how could my daughter feel this way?
hadn’t I always tried to communicate unconditional love?
where had I gone wrong?
surely she was just upset and saying this in anger?

But I felt my heart suddenly stinging with conviction…
and God’s grace washing my eyes to see the truth.

I didn’t really know what else to say except,
“Kate, if that’s how you’ve felt then I’ve been so wrong. Will you please forgive me?”

It was painful for me because of all areas with my girls this one has been huge for me -
Making sure I always emphasized with them that genuine beauty comes from within.
Even trying to avoid drawing alot of attention to their outward appearance.
Of course I think my girls are beautiful, what mom doesn’t?
But it’s not something I sit around saying to them everyday.
I just don’t think it’s healthy for a girl to constantly hear that –
physical appearance can be altered in an instant…
I don’t want any of my kids to build their self worth upon something that is changeable.

And so when Kate told me how she was feeling it touched on such a sensitive nerve.
I was so humbled.
Because even though I never ever “consciously thought” about it,
when Kate said that to me it’s like the blinders fell off and I saw how that, yes…
the kids looking a certain way {emphasis on certain} when we went out had become overly important to me.

And nothing wrong with cute clothes and booger free faces.
I still want my kids to look nice…
That’s not what this is about.
But rather realizing that while I thought I was saying one thing with my mouth,
my spirit was communicating something different!
 
It’s hard to even write that here. I’ll be honest.. I erased it twice.
I don’t like the fear of being judged.
I feel ashamed that I could have ever made my girl feel that way… even slightly.
But there’s something that wins out over my “shame”.. and that is wanting to be genuine.
To be real. And most especially in my own home. With my kids.
To be able to see my flaws… the ways I’ve failed and flopped and flubbed up…
But to see then in a even more powerful way how God can FIX what we’ve broken!!

“The world looks for happiness through self-assertion. The Christian knows that joy is found in self-abandonment. ‘If a man will let himself be lost for My sake,’ Jesus said, ‘he will find his true self.’ A Christian woman’s true freedom lies on the other side of a very small gate—humble obedience—but that gate leads out into a largeness of life undreamed of by the liberators of the world… ” Elisabeth Elliot

I really do step upon the path of motherhood every day with equal amounts of trepidation and excitement…
and as I seek to guide these young lives entrusted to my care, I’m reminded over and over – I’m not doing it alone.

Father, you father me ever so patiently….
by your power and through your grace,
I think these kiddos are going to be okay.

= = ~ = = ~ = =

a funny side note on keepin it real with our kids, and our kids seeing right through us, etc.

this last week has been a hard one.
lots going on.

and when I haven’t really had time to fully process something I kinda stuff it and it just percolates right below the surface…
boiling over at the drop of a hat. and usually onto those I love the most and want to hurt the least.

well, last night Emma brought me a “gift”..
all wrapped up in toilet paper.

 

inside was a crab.

now how telling is that!

amber. 

ps~ here’s a heart gripping story on how our children help teach us what’s truly important. i read it Friday night. and cried.

{When it rAins it pOurS}

We’ve had so much rain lately. Which is typical here this time of year..
I don’t mind it so much. It melts the snow and reveals a sweet surprise of green underneath!

It never ceases to amaze me the excitement I feel every year for spring and warmth and consecutive days of sunshine~
Nope. I never get over longing for it to come.
And I never seem to get over my childish impatience that it never will…

I was thinking the other day how much life mimics the seasons.
And there are those seasons of the soul that can seem cold. dreary. endless.
Yet, underneath it all.. unseen by the human eye.. something is happening -
There is NEW GROWTH. promise. HOPE.

Yes. I love the springs of life.
Yet reminded again that I don’t appreciate their beauty nearly as much if not followed by a bleak winter. 

  

With all the rains around here though seem to come sickness..
we’ve had runny noses and sinus infections.
Then over the weekend I got some kind of stomach flu, which mixed with pregnancy is not fun. :/.

Yesterday afternoon the kids were really wanting to get out. Me too.
and though still not feeling 100% I thought some FRESH AIR might kill off the rest of the germs!!
So we headed down by the river… since the weather man said it was going to be 40 out, but feel more like 45.
I think he must live on a different continent because it seemed barely 30 that actually felt more like 25!!
Needless to say, our trip to the river was a short one.

  

animal tracks we found. any idea what they are?

kate’s artwork in the mud.

  

Instead we headed for the mall…
They have a big merry go round you can ride for a dollar and Emma loves it.

She chose the bunny and Ben the dragon!

 

If I could have taken the going round in circles thing I would have ridden too..
and chosen this one~   

I mean when else in life can you ride a rooster!!

The other thing the kids like to ride at the mall are the escalators! and they’re FREE!
So we made our rounds..
and I was glad for the chance to stand still and not walk.

I have to say that watching Emma on a escalator cracks me up..
she stands at the bottom and puts her foot way up high in the air,
waiting. waiting. waiting. THEN.. makes this sudden leap/ lunge to get on.
The whole way up she leans forward, with her arms out..
in what looks like the skiers from the Olympics doing the long jump…
funny thing is she keeps this position the whole way up –
but at the top, instead of jumping like it appears she’ll do,
she all of a sudden stands up straight and calmly walks off!!

We had just gotten back to the children’s department upstairs when instantly I felt I was going to be sick. Such an awful feeling in a public place – looking around at the bins of stuffed animals and nearby shoe boxes wondering what would be more “appropriate” to use. Deciding that my huge purse was probably more user friendly and emptying out the contents for the kids to hold as we walked quickly across the store to the nearest bathroom!  

I was so grateful we made it. But then, I was struck with a new dilemma…
how in the world was I going to make it all the way back to the van?
We were literally in the furthest part, top back corner of the mall.
And we had parked at the entrance clear on the other side!

I just sat down on the toilet and leaned my head over against the stall wall…
feeling a bit hostage in the Dillards department store bathroom!

Calling out to the kids from time to time to not play in the sinks…
don’t go in the other stalls…
“Ben stop flushing the toilets!”
and for Emma to stop crawling on the floor peeking up at me.

All of a sudden a loud screeching noise went off.

“Guys? What is that?”

“There’s a button in the handicap stall that says pull for assistance… and Emma just pulled it!”

I groaned. Envisioning a slew of Dillards employees barging in at any moment,
and me trying to answer their questions through the metal door as to why I had come to the mall if I had the stomach flu…
and of all things to walk all the way to the other side..
and why weren’t these kids in school…
and what kind of mother was I anyway to leave them to play in toilets and with alarm buttons while I was holed up in a 2 by 2 stall…

I told the kids to line up against the wall by the door. Atleast they would seem orderly if anyone came..
which no one ever did. Which later struck me.. if I had been in that handicap stall and really needed something – -
well, I could have drowned and died right there without anyone ever knowing!
Apparently their system for assistance doesn’t work very well.

I eventually came out and washed my hands and splashed my face with water –
hoping we could make it out in the 10 minutes or so I knew we had…

While leaning against the sink praying God would give extra grace to just get home, Ben said…

“Look mom! I got this for free!!” Holding up a long slender tube. “I just hit on the side of that machine a few times and it fell out… ”

“Oh buddy.. I don’t think you want that!”

“Why? What is it?”

“It’s.. it’s for girls.”

“I know that. But what is it? Do you eat it?”

Not really in the mood to give a biology lesson at that particular moment, I said what all good mothers say to their sons about these kind of questions …

“Well.. stick it in your pocket and ask your dad about it later.”

We somehow made it back down the escalator. Through the store. Down the mall. Past the rooster flying merry go round. And to our van. I’ve never felt so relieved to see my house come into view as we pulled into the driveway….

I don’t think trip to the mall will be on my list in the future when I need to “get some fresh air after a stomach flu!!”

= = ~ = = ~ = =

Last night I had cut an apple up and was sharing with Emma…
When she saw me eating the skin she ran in the other room and said to Shayne,

“your mudder is eating dis drose part of da apple!”

“That’s not my mother.. that’s my wife.”

Emma got a confused look on her face. “What?”

Apparently we need to explain more to our kids than just what those “free” things are you get from the machines in the ladies bathroom at Dillards!!

    

= = ~ = = ~ = =

I’m feeling so much better today and ready to tackle all the things that haven’t been tackled this week.

like laundry… :/

Which actually wasn’t tackled all of last week either because my washing machine went out!

We had a repair guy come on the weekend and thought all was fixed…
well, my first load had water pouring out the ceiling in the kitchen!!!

Shayne was joking that if it had just been over a few feet we could have had the dishes washed too.

See.. I told you we’d had lots of rain lately!! )

thank you so much for your comments and cards and messages about baby.
I still feel in shock that little one is okay – and just oh, so grateful.
 

I’ve laughed at some of your messages about praying for me and how some of you have said,
“I hope you don’t think it’s weird… like I’m a stalker or something.”
Trust me.. I’ve had a stalker once on xanga. And you are nothing like that.
Only kind friends that are genuinely thoughtful and sweet.
And I appreciate your thoughts and prayers and love.

love you back.     

amber.