May 27, 2010

• {Rehearsal of the Heart}
  
  Last weekend the girls had their ballet/ tap recitals.
  What a fun thing for them to be in together.
  
  It amazes me the closeness these two share..
  even with seven years between them.
  They are so opposite. And then yet, so not.

  While I was taking these pictures I told them to just talk and pretend I wasn’t there…
  I thought it was funny that Emma immediately busted into jabbering, while Kate patiently listened.
  Such a typical picture of the real them.

  

  
   
   
  When I was leaving the recital Saturday night one of the moms stopped me…
  
  “You’re the one with the older girl and little girl, right? I loved watching them interact the past few days.”
  
  “Yes. Thank you. They’re good friends.”
  
  Then touching my belly I said, “
  
  “And in September they’re going to have another friend join them…”
  
  The lady laughed.
  
  “Oh, my! You’re going to be doing the girly stuff for quite some time then!!”
  
  I laughed too as I agreed and walked away.
  
  Her words stayed with me on the way home as I played with the pile of bobby pins in my lap.
  Guess who instantly wanted her hair “outta da bun.”

  
  
  I thought of this new little one inside me…
  and wondered about what she’ll be like.
  Would she like her hair all done up, or lose and free like her “wild” sister Emma.
  Would she be a talker. Out going and energetic.
  Or quiet, laid back, and observant like Kate.
  Would she want to dance or play football. Or both, like one of my girls.
  
  Regardless of what “kind” of girl she is I know her true identify will be shaped by what is in her heart.
  And though she might be very different from me outwardly, in personality and interest.
  So much of what goes into our girls hearts comes from our own.

  And this. this is that “freaked out-ed ness” I mentioned in my last post.
  
  A few of you commented and messaged to ask what I meant by that.
  I guess it implied I didn’t like girls.
  Quite the contrary.
  They are fascinating to me.
  
  So the freaked part is not grounded in fear, but more a soberness at the huge responsibility I feel placed in my hands.
  It’s very humbling to be entrusted with moldable human clay that can be crushed or built up in our care.
  
  I’ve long known… since about that first night at home when I couldn’t quiet Kate and was frantic as to what was “wrong” with her that parenting {successfully} can only be done one way – -  completely and fully drenched in the grace of God!

  

  

  
  
  I’ve often joked that raising boys is easier…
  You just turn them outside until they’re about 12, then turn them over to their dads for the rest of the way in!
  
  As girls it seems we never quite have the true independence from our moms that boys do… atleast not in the same way.
  I think it’s because we’re so much more relational in our design.
  For boys the “distancing” is an important part of them growing up, even crucial. 
  With girls… and perhaps I’m only speaking for myself here, it seemed the more I grew up the more I needed mom. 
  
  “How do you know someone else is going to come along that wants to marry me?”
  “Are you sure the baby’s pooping enough?”
  “How do you make that meat loaf again?”
  “I think I’m raising the next Ted Bundy… are you sure they’re going to turn out okay?”

  
  
  
  And seeing and knowing how my girls do and will need me, it causes me to see my own neediness zoomed and enlarged in front of me.
  
  
  

  “When my children hear godliness out of my mouth and they see wickedness in my life, then I point them to heaven and I lead them to hell.” ~Alistair Begg
  

  
  More than anything I want my girls to know Jesus because they were first introduced to Him through what they SAW in me. Not just what they heard.
   

  
  
  
  I feel passionate about this. Like never before. 
  Because in the last few years especially, God has done so much cleansing and flushing out in my own heart.
  
  I grew up in a conservative, godly home. Was homeschooled from the 4th grade on. Sheltered, protected. Participated in Christian organizations and ministries. Attended seminars. Talked in front of hundreds and looked and did everything that was required and expected.. yet, I don’t believe I truly had any idea of who God really is until my 30′s.
  
  I knew alot about God. Without really knowing God.
  Even His Word. I read it, studied it. Taught others about it.
  And yet wondered why it didn’t bring the same fulfillment to my life I told everyone else it would bring to theirs. 
  
  But the Christian life isn’t about information. It’s about transformation. 
  
  Information might make us appear to others what we really are not. But transformation is what unveils the true contents of our heart.
  
  And it’s so easy for those of us entrenched in the culture of Christianity to play the part… even at times without realizing.
  To get caught up in the “information” of what we’re supposed to be saying and doing and wearing and listening to and lose sight of what Jesus is really all about – transformation. 

  God requires truth in the inward parts.
  And He’s the only one who knows if what others see outwardly is genuine or nothing more than a mask of well rehearsed information.

  And I’m quick to remember too that I’m not the judge of others genuineness.
  I want my girls to remember that as well as they grow and deepen.
  I’ve tried to be and often found myself dead wrong.
  I should know better… I still battle hurts in my life from those who thought they knew my heart and didn’t. 
  But that’s why faith is essential in the Christian life and grace as necessary as oxygen.

  It does not matter what others THINK – it matters only what God KNOWS.
  Our outward performance can be deceiving, but what we rehearse in our hearts {where no one sees} is who we truly are.

  

  This is so where God has me at the moment… and I can’t say I’ve fully worked my way through all that He’s trying to teach me here or that I’m even remotely successful in living out what He’s already revealed~ but I want to be. When I see my children, I feel a whole new kind of fire and seriousness ignite. How I want them to know the freedom and joy of an authentic life lived for Christ alone, and to not have to wade through all the unnecessary junk {wrong mindsets. fear of others. phoniness.} that took me years to recognize and replace my information about Him, with the transforming power of knowing Him. 

  
  As I looked through the pictures of the girls recital I had the words to an old Sandi Patty song come to mind….
  

  "The stage is bare
  The crowds are gone 
  The love we shared still lingers on 
  We sang and played and we laughed and cried 
  And in our stumbling way we tried 
  To say what only hearts can know 
  And all too soon we had to go 
  But now here in this darkened room 
  Just empty seats there’s just me and You 
  
  It was easy to call You Lord 
  When a thousand voices sang Your praise 
  But there’s no one to hear me now 
  So hear me now, be near me now 
  
  The stage is bare 
  The crowds are gone 
  Lord now's the time I need Your song 
  To give me joy and certainty 
  When no one else is watching me 
  I need You more than words can say 
  Tomorrow’s such a daily day 
  And I need to feel You then 
  Holding my hand 
  Please hold me then 
  I need You, Lord
  
  The stage is bare."
  
   
  
   
   
  
  
  There is always that temptation to "perform" for the crowd around you. But how I want my girls to know there is only One audience that matters~
  
  I will probably never be as graceful as a teacher as I could be to them.. 
  I often wish I had the steps down a bit better as I flounder and fall and muddle my way through most days. 
  
  Still. in all the floundering,falling, and muddling I feel His faithfulness drawing me. changing me. 
  
  and I'm reminded by His quiet reassurance within that it's not always in how well I might LOOK the part that will impact my girls...~
  but rather, Who I'm looking to. What my performance is based on. And whose applause is the pursuit of my heart. 
  
  
      
  

  = = ~ = =

  I bought baby girl her first “new” outfit at a second hand store the other day…
  Emma was with me and I was getting so tickled as she would pull things from the rack and squeal in that tone that only girls seem to possess.
  
  “Oh, dis is so tute!!!”
  
  “Wook!! Mom.Mom.Mom…. wook. Wook how dorable dis is!!!”

  I told her she could pick something out and she chose one with a pair of ballet slippers on it.
  Jabbering something about maybe the baby could be in the “cital” next year with her and Kate.
  And we bought some pink shoes with little pearls on them too.   
  
  Emma has them all laid out and displayed in her room.
  Talking almost everyday about how fun it’ll be to dress her baby sister.

  

  

  
  
  And as I listen and smile contently at her enthusiasm my mind fills with thoughts of the precious person who’ll wear this outfit.
  The tiny feet that will fill these shoes.
  The awesome journey ahead of me and these girls of mine.
  And once again I take a deep breath in and look up…

  and have a nice long chat at the sky.    

  
  ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
  (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber.
  
  

  • 12:59 pm
  • 46 Comments