{new blog}

we moved to a new country..
and i moved to a new blog.

here:: grace_to_be

pop on over and check it out.

¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{my last post}

There are so many things I want to say. To write and express.
And the words are there. I can see them.
Like floating scrabble pieces in my mind.

But when I reach for them and try to make some sort of sense in connecting sentences I find myself freezing up….

This is my last post to write from this house. We’re headed out on Sunday. Tomorrow will be a whirlwind of activity. Of packing and saying goodbye. My eyes stop and stare for a minute at those last two words. saying goodbye?” I hear them repeat back inside me. And feel my heart tighten as I start to miss the familiar, even now.

I was packing the last of the boxes upstairs this afternoon and walking from room to room to make sure we had everything. I found myself standing for awhile in each one. Shutting my eyes and lifting my face upward and just listening. Listening to the memories that echo so loudly inside those walls. The talks and the tears and the laughter. How that in these rooms I’ve learned to be a better mom. A better wife. What it means to surrender my will and find something sweeter in His. To know the joy of a family who loves you. And the security that they do no matter what. I think of the friends who’ve passed through here. The parties and fun and eating we’ve done together. The crazy games and my furniture getting destroyed.

I stopped and looked out the window in Ben’s room for a long time. Letting my eyes go slowly around the yard, taking it all in. The long lane up to the house… recalling all the walks to the mailbox down it. The snow covered icy attempts up it. The welcome sight it always was after a long trip.

I saw the tire swing too. Gently rocking back and forth in the chilly fall wind. It looks lonely. And I hope whoever rents this house after us will have children. And maybe they too will enjoy hours of exhilaration, flying high with toes pointed as far as they can, trying to touch the sky!

From my bedroom window I saw my flower gardens. Brown and lifeless now. But I know.. know of the beauty that’s there. And they’ll continue to bloom their artwork and bring someone else the smiles of satisfaction they brought me through the years.

There’s the field beyond the house — where Ben would ride his dirt bike. where a million pictures were taken in the tall yellow grass.  where our dog, Skylar is buried. and where times of frustration were walked off in countless circles around it.

Back in the summer, when I first knew we’d be moving, I said to Shayne one day, “I’m going to miss this house.”

“I thought you always hated it.” He laughed.

But I wasn’t talking about the moldy basement and sunken ceilings in the kids rooms. I was talking about what we’ve become in our years living here. How I feel in so many ways that this is the house I grew up in. “This house that built me.”

Oh the winds of change,
They blow slow and cool!
Oh the wandering of a fool,
But I have laid it down,
In my Father’s hands,
Where the weight of suffering,
Is carried by the arms of a cross,
Healing my loss…

Where I can walk,
Where I can run,
Where my heart sings,
And I feel the sun,
Where I can trust,
And I’m strong enough,
Free like the wind,
I’ll run into my Father’s arms

Finally home.

p.s. thanKs for all the input on the new blog name.
in the end it was between placesofgrace & gracetobe.
i loved them both and couldn’t decide.. so i let shayne.
 

{14 years} 

603.334.0019  
National Passport Center
31 Rochester Ave.
Portsmouth, New Hampshire 03801
vital statics 573.751.6387 / town hall 

Ha! this is such a good example of my life right now…

When the passport office called me this morning I had nothing to write on, and since my xanga page was open I wrote down the info here. I thought I’d share just in case any of you need an expedited passport in the next 5 days.. above is the number to call. Ya never know!  

I guess there was a discrepancy with my previous passport because it showed my place of birth being in Michigan, instead of Missouri. Apparently, I put MI on my last application some 15 years ago, instead of MO. But of course since I’ve been homeschooling my kiddos all these years, I now know the proper abbreviation of Missouri… so on my latest application I had the right letters for the state! But now they need my “original state issued, not hospital issued, embossed raised seal” birth certificate. Proving my place of birth is indeed Springfield, Missouri instead of the imaginary Springfield, Michigan. 

Though Springfield, Michigan sounds like as good a place as any to be born! I’m just wanting to get all this in order so I can be sure to get back for Thanksgiving in a few weeks!  That would be pretty sad if they let everyone else across the border except the one true American in our family. The kids are all dual – so they’re technically only half.

Hard to believe it was just a little past this date 14 years ago that I moved to Canada for the first time as a new bride~ now, here I am.. celebrating 14 years of marriage today and very shortly, moving there again!

Funny how life is a constant wheel of the same things – each time they come round you recognize the familiar, yet still feel slightly off balance by the new different they bring along also. 

*****

It seems weird to think of being married for 14 years though…

I remember wondering when I wouldn’t feel like a newlywed anymore. At which year does that feeling go away? You’d think by 14 we’d have that whole matured marital thing going on.. but nope. 14 years in and I still feel like one {totally blind by love and not having a clue in the world what I just said “yes” to!}

I have to say our 14th anniversary wasn’t marked by the same traditions of years past… full of romantic things and dinner at the Melting Pot like I had anticipated. Most of the day Shayne was downstairs packing boxes, and I was upstairs in bed. Still fighting off a fever I’ve had since Saturday from a breast infection. But there’s still been a celebration of sorts going on… only quieter. Inside of us. Exchanged here and there throughout the day in glances and sweet words, hugs and a few tears. And I find myself even among the disappointment of things not going as planned and unkept dinner reservations, somehow treasuring this anniversary above any of the others.

Our relationship just seems more real than it ever has been. As strange as that may sound. More honest and committed and determined. Realizing once more, and yet in a whole new way {see, here’s that wheel of life again-  same, but different} what genuine love really is. And no, as nice as they are, it’s not roses and fancy dinners and frilly lingerie. They’re only extras. But certainly not the stuff genuine love is made from or built upon.

On Friday night when this fever first kicked in I woke with chills so bad my teeth were chattering together. That was a long night. I was in so much discomfort, and so weak… Shayne had to help me walk to the bathroom. And dry me off after a bath trying to get warm. And hold my glass of water because my hands were shaking so bad. He sat up into the wee hours of the morning rubbing my back, talking softly to me and praying for me.

I cried lots too. Not from pain, from frustration

I mean, I’m someone who just never gets sick. Really. Like, hardly ever! But it seems since Reese was born it’s been one thing after another.. my heart {which I got the results and have to go in for more tests!}. and hemorrhoids {I know, gross. but sometimes life is}. and poison ivy {I look like I have leprosy}. and now a breast infection {plain unpleasant}. Looking at that list makes me laugh {almost}. It just so does not sound like me.  

At one point Friday night I said through my tears, “I’m such a mess!”

And Shayne answered, “Well, you sure look like a beautiful mess to me.”

His words made tears roll even harder down my face. Though he didn’t know it.
There I was – so vulnerable and just… just unlovely in every way.
And there he was – loving me still.

It brings tears to my eyes even now to write about it. Because that – THAT is what genuine love looks like!

As I lay there curled up in a vulnerable heap. Feeling awful and looking even more so. Just completely needing encouragement and kindness and unconditional… everything! The thought so completely swept over me that this is exactly the kind of love God wants among His people… the “I’m in this with you” kind of love. And I found my mind turning from my own sickness to that of another kind. The lack of grace and forgiveness and judgmental pride, even the downright meanness that permeates through so many of our churches.

I’ve talked to dozens of Christians that confirm their severest persecution and pain has come through other Christians!

Those times when they needed someone to simply come along side of them with a pat of quiet acceptance… Or help steady them when things felt shaky… Or stick it out with them when they were struggling through a dark night of the soul. In their time of weakness and vulnerability did they find that kind of love among Christians? The thing that’s supposed to mark us as HIS. The sad answer, more often than not, is no. Instead, they were met with anything but that kind of love.

Ya know, it’s easy to extend love when someone appears “worthy of it” {in our opinion}. Somehow we determine who deserves it and who doesn’t. I guess it might have been easier for Shayne to love me the other night if I had gotten up and combed my hair,  brushed my teeth, and maybe put a little deodorant on… looked more the part of a good wife. Instead. He loved me as I was! Do we as the body of Christ do that? Love others as they are… or feel we can’t until they look the part of the good Christian they’re supposed to {or more accurately what we say a good christian is supposed to look like}.

It’s often when someone seems the least deserving that love is needed most. After all, isn’t that what Christ did for us? And aren’t we to be reflecting Him~ “Let this mind be in you that was also in Christ Jesus…”

I went down earlier around dinnertime and was met by these.

{turn off my playlist if you watch – the songs sound horrible together!}  

¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨) (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber p.s. thanks to all my girlfriends who were praying for me today… I really feel God’s healing touch and I’m doing so much better tonight! love you all.