March 7, 2010
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{Going on the war path}
I can remember so many times as a teenager standing in the bathroom putting my make up on…
leaning way over the sink, as close to the mirror as I could get.And it seemed without fail, that at some point in the process my dad would walk by and stick his head in and say -
“Getting your war paint on again?”
That memory makes me smile.
And came to my mind as I watched my girls the other night playing in my make up bag.
They literally did look like little Indians when all was said and done.
Emma’s actually the one who knows where everything goes –
she likes to sit on the floor by me whenever I’m getting ready to go somewhere…So it was funny cause she was telling Kate.. “dis dose here.”
Her instructions were right, even if her aim was a little off.
Then, of course she thought Kate looked so nice and she wanted to look just like her!
Thinking of what it means to raise girls I have so many words come to mind.
Fun, is one. Comradery, another.
And SOBERING…. that one always finds it’s way in there and creeps to the top of the list!
Because it’s not enough to simply say to my girls, “this is how a woman of God should act…”
My words mean nothing if my life doesn’t back it up.I can plaster a smile on my face and PRETEND to be some kind of perfect role model….
perhaps fooling others. But no matter how many layers I’m hiding under my kids see straight through all that.Like at Ben’s basketball game recently when Emma was boinging up and down on my lap and I was growing increasingly irritated because I wanted to watch the game..
but, not wanting to let those around me know I was losing my cool – since they already think I’m the crazy home school lady…
I pulled Emma close and tried to whisper as nicely as I could for her to behave.
To which she pulled back, looked up at me innocently and said all too loudly,“Why you andry mommy?”
“I’m not angry sweetheart.” I said through somewhat clenched teeth. “Now talk more quietly!”
Our kids know the real us… and not the us we sometimes deceive ourselves into thinking we are.
Amazing how even if we’re using all the right words and trying to talk in the right tone – it’s still our spirit that speaks the loudest.
Not long ago I had something happen with Kate that really drove this home with me…
We were headed out somewhere and she was wearing a shirt that, well, I just don’t like that shirt. So, I asked her to change.
She became obviously upset and let me know with her attitude… which puzzled me, because that is just so not like Kate.
Wanting to understand what was going on in her heart I said,“Sweetie it’s just a shirt.. why is this such a big deal to you?”
Kate is not confrontational. Usually I have to dig out what’s bothering her. But this time the response was quick.
“Mom.. do you only love me if I look a certain way?”
“What?” I blurted out, feeling emotions from every direction flooding in.
Time seemed to stand still for a bit…
like it does in Fiddler on the Roof where Tevy stops and talks to himself at different points throughout the movie.how could my daughter feel this way?
hadn’t I always tried to communicate unconditional love?
where had I gone wrong?
surely she was just upset and saying this in anger?But I felt my heart suddenly stinging with conviction…
and God’s grace washing my eyes to see the truth.I didn’t really know what else to say except,
“Kate, if that’s how you’ve felt then I’ve been so wrong. Will you please forgive me?”It was painful for me because of all areas with my girls this one has been huge for me -
Making sure I always emphasized with them that genuine beauty comes from within.
Even trying to avoid drawing alot of attention to their outward appearance.
Of course I think my girls are beautiful, what mom doesn’t?
But it’s not something I sit around saying to them everyday.
I just don’t think it’s healthy for a girl to constantly hear that –
physical appearance can be altered in an instant…
I don’t want any of my kids to build their self worth upon something that is changeable.And so when Kate told me how she was feeling it touched on such a sensitive nerve.
I was so humbled.
Because even though I never ever “consciously thought” about it,
when Kate said that to me it’s like the blinders fell off and I saw how that, yes…
the kids looking a certain way {emphasis on certain} when we went out had become overly important to me.And nothing wrong with cute clothes and booger free faces.
I still want my kids to look nice…
That’s not what this is about.
But rather realizing that while I thought I was saying one thing with my mouth,
my spirit was communicating something different!
It’s hard to even write that here. I’ll be honest.. I erased it twice.
I don’t like the fear of being judged.
I feel ashamed that I could have ever made my girl feel that way… even slightly.
But there’s something that wins out over my “shame”.. and that is wanting to be genuine.
To be real. And most especially in my own home. With my kids.
To be able to see my flaws… the ways I’ve failed and flopped and flubbed up…
But to see then in a even more powerful way how God can FIX what we’ve broken!!“The world looks for happiness through self-assertion. The Christian knows that joy is found in self-abandonment. ‘If a man will let himself be lost for My sake,’ Jesus said, ‘he will find his true self.’ A Christian woman’s true freedom lies on the other side of a very small gate—humble obedience—but that gate leads out into a largeness of life undreamed of by the liberators of the world… ” Elisabeth Elliot
I really do step upon the path of motherhood every day with equal amounts of trepidation and excitement…
and as I seek to guide these young lives entrusted to my care, I’m reminded over and over – I’m not doing it alone.Father, you father me ever so patiently….
by your power and through your grace,
I think these kiddos are going to be okay. 
= = ~ = = ~ = =
a funny side note on keepin it real with our kids, and our kids seeing right through us, etc.
this last week has been a hard one.
lots going on.and when I haven’t really had time to fully process something I kinda stuff it and it just percolates right below the surface…
boiling over at the drop of a hat. and usually onto those I love the most and want to hurt the least.well, last night Emma brought me a “gift”..
all wrapped up in toilet paper.
inside was a crab.
now how telling is that!
amber.
ps~ here’s a heart gripping story on how our children help teach us what’s truly important. i read it Friday night. and cried.
Comments (30)
Love that last picture of you and Kate. I’ve said it before, the patience thing is tricky! It’s a constant prayer of mine. I have a note over my dry erase board in my kitchen that says, “In order to teach patience, live it”. That thought struck me one day and I figured seeing it every day would keep the concept in the front of my mind.
Have a wonderful Sunday.
Stacey
Oh! I was scrolling through some of your old blogs last night and saw a picture of HQ. It made me smile!
Great post! Outward beauty is so over emphasized in our culture isn’t it? That inner beauty and peace certainly makes one radiant.
Guilty! I have also asked my daughter to change before going out. I never thought of the message I might be sending to her.
This was eye-opening. Thank you.
Bless you Amber. Being a mom is hard, but we have the best help in Jesus! Great post. I find so often I am asking the Lord for help with my mouth, and how things come out.
You’re a great mom.
I just skimmed back over your posts and read about the ultrasound cafuffle. My heart is singing with you.
“My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret and intricately and curiously wrought – as if embroidered with various colors in the depths of the earth – in a region of darkness and mystery.” Ps 139
I look forward to the unveiling of the mystery at work within you. To His glory.
She is a beautiful young lady.
Parenting can be challenging when we get questions like “Do you only love me if I look a certain way?” Children still view so much of life as cause and effect. They don’t yet understand that love is not earned, but rather that it is an ever present condition from a loving parent.
They don’t realize that a parent wants their child to succeed, and “yes” that does include appearances – or more to the point, respecting oneself enough to care. So we do wipe runny noses and put away clothes that are outgrown, take away the beloved “blankey,” and give guidance on make-up and fads.
Your daughters are beautiful, and I can see from their expressions with you that they know they are well loved, even if they (at least the younger) haven’t quite grown to understand that your love will always be present … no matter what her clothes, nose and make-up look like.
I pray continued blessings for your whole family … including the newest one in-progress.
Your girls are so beautiful and sweet. Thanks for sharing your heart again.
Keepin’ it real is always preferable…to God and to those who love you. When someone who keeps it real speaks, I want to listen. Raising girls is a challenge…we’ve “finished” three. Well, the youngest one is 18 so I’d say she’s about done at any rate. The other two are mommies in their own right now, and are being far better ones that I ever was (at least I think so.) I love it that you could ask your daughter to forgive you. I don’t ever remember that happening when I was a young lady longing to hear it. You care about her heart which is the bottom line. Okay, I’m lost in reminiscing…down a rabbit trail…like Alice. ; )
Great thoughts and pictures. It is fun and sobering to be a mother – whether boys or girls.
@ToLiveLoved -
yes, i know.. doesn’t that seem like a lifetime ago!!
Sometimes I think I could write a book on what “not” to do as a parent. I look back and cringe at many minor and major “mistakes” that both my husband and I have made. I love your line “But to see then in an even more powerful way God can FIX what we’ve broken.” It is terribly humbling when we realize we’ve been the cause of hurt and pain and misdirection in the hearts of those we love the most. Yet it seems inevitable because of our fallen nature–we’ll make mistakes. We just don’t do everything right. One incredibly important thing that you and Shane have going for you Amber is how mindful you both are of your respnsibility before God as parents. You have a heart for your children and a heart for God–you’re children will benefit and be much blessed because of that. Also…you are so willing to recognize and correct. I heard once that the pilot of a plane spends a very small percentage of his flight on course, most of the time he is correcting. I think parenting is like that. We do a lot of correcting ourselves to stay on course. You are definetly pointed in the right direction and I’m sure your kiddos will be ok!
Love you friend–you are a sweetheart and I know this kind of goes against what you’re saying but I have to comment on your dress–it’s just darling! ~Dawne
@the_mamarazzi -
well for me it was more than just asking her to change.. cause i don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing that as a mom. my kids would look like they just climbed out of tumbling in the dryer if it weren’t for a little input from me!
but the thing i felt convicted over was seeing how their “looks” had become more important to me than i think they should be. and it had crept in subtly and something i hadn’t recognized until kate asked me that. so sure i’m still gonna point out a stain or that maybe that outfit’s been worn 5 days in a row!! but if their favorite shirt happens to have a funny looking teddy bear on it, that might not be my first choice, but hey.. it’s clean. and i can let it go. 
i think some of this applies more to older kids~ realizing it’s important for us to begin to loosen some of our control as moms and let them makes some decisions on their own.
just wanted to clarify i don’t think everytime you ask your child to change their clothes you’re communicating your love is conditional~ sometimes we have to help them know things that are more appropriate for various things, etc. and sometimes it’s just a case of good old fashioned personal hygiene!!
Cute makeup photos… and we used to have a “crab” mug we’d get out for our Mom on occasion. In retrospect I’m sure she appreciated that…
I laugh because Erin said to me in all seriousness yesterday, “I think I’ll wear sweat pants to church tomorrow” I said (in a surprised tone) “Really?”
She laughed at the expression on my face and said, “Yeah, are sweat pants not o.k.?” I guess we got distracted with something else cuz we didn’t finish that conversation. (That often happens)
Anyway, Not all of us went to church today w/ all the sickies we have here, so she did wear sweatpants for most of the day… Ha ha!!
But, you’re affection for your kids is so evident. It nullifies any possible doubt about conditional love.
Btw, It is good to tell your kids they’re beautiful. I had a very wise friend once say to me, “If you don’t tell your daughters they’re beautiful and wonderful, some other guy will be happy to do that for you.”
My favorite thing about you, Amber, is that you are always “the real you” and don’t put on a false front. I do stupid stuff all the time. Much of my life has been spent with my foot in my mouth – good intentions (or NO intentions) but poor choice of words and even worse timing. But we are human. You are an HONEST human and your children surely know you well. Little misunderstandings happen – honesty from a parent doesn’t always happen, BUT . . . with you it does and your children see that.
I linked to that girl’s D.S. birth story. What a raw and real post! Thanks for recommending it!
@bakersdozen2 -
yes, wise thought at the end. and we do tell our kids we think they’re beautiful and wonderful.. just don’t want to harp on it so that it becomes a focus. well.. you know.
the other day Ben said, “mom, do you think i’m lucky enough to get married?”
“what do you mean lucky enough?”
“well, like good lookin and smart and all.”
“oh,” i smiled. “is that what it means to be lucky?”
he smiled back. “well, i think the girl will think so!”
i assured him based upon his theory he’d be lucky enough for sure to get married!
@Hutch5 -
You don’t see too many eligible young men of Ben’s caliber. What a sweet gem of a guy!! ❤
I have to tell you~ my dad called it war paint too. lol
Love your heart’s desire to love your kids for who they are~ regardless of outward appearances. So often parent can be tempted to get all caught up in the outward~ tattooes, piercings, hairstyles~ instead of focusing on the inward~ and the relationship.
Good stuff to think about~
Your girls look really cute in their war paint.
aww, such a sweet post. Just had to chuckle at the girl’s makeup. And thanks for sharing that blog link… totally cried through it all. Have a happy week.
We do learn alot about what is important from our kids, thanks for sharing this today.
Thanks also for your comments about the birds and Spring!
Blessings to you and your family!
Mike
Thanks again for sharing. I only have one girl right now, and it is a challenge to know how to cultivate inner beauty in her. So many “girly” things are so external – the playing “princess” and dress-up, and even the necessities of fixing her hair every morning. This was such an important reminder to me to find ways to tell her that she is beautiful – even when her curly little head is all frizzy and wild! I want her to see that her sweet smile and her love for her family are some of the things that make her truly beautiful, even though she’s only 2.
I think God designed parenthood to humble and “carve” us into his image. It is times like you shared that we learn and with Him improve. Bless you for allowing us into your heart and life. Have a great week!
Praise the Lord that as we follow Him we don’t parent alone!! Bill and I tell folks often that any good they see in our children is mostly in spite of us, not because of us!! God is ever faithful! I think the one thing that makes a Christian parent truly successful is a sincere heart for God. Our children see that, even amidst the junk that creeps in despite our greatest efforts to do well. When a parent can humbly come to a child and say, “Kate, if that’s how you’ve felt then I’ve been so wrong. Will you please forgive me?”, that child sees the heart much more clearly than they see the action, especially in the long run. That’s what gives God the glory in our child-rearing – our need for Him, not our perfect parenting!
I loved (and always do love) your pictures! It is a dream of mine to take photos of everyday life and post them on my Xanga, but alas, I am so not good at photography! My daughter and hubby have always taken the photos, but now that Dannye and I don’t live in the same house, and Bill is at work all day, no one is taking those photos I am so accustomed to having! So, I am trying to learn. We’ll see…
So quickly we can squish the light in the eyes of the ones we love, I’ve done the same thing to my precious daughter by questioning something she is wearing, her hair or even her thoughts. O Lord guard our tongues!
soooo fun!!!
I always am excited when I see you have posted because you really have worthwhile things to write. I very much appreciate your honesty. I am kind of dealing with “dress issues” myself right now and examing my motives for how I dress. Mostly because of someone else’s criticism. So it was a timely post for me.
You always give me a good crack up chuckle with stories about your adorable, funny kids! The crab wrapped in toilet paper did it! Oh, my goodness, girl, you are SO blessed by God; He know and shows exactly what you need and when! I’ll pray extra for Kate as she gets closer to the age when she might want to be more assertive with what to wear! I still struggle with my daughter; she’s VERY strong-willed and a bit disrespectful, which blows me away. I keep reminding her to cover up her chest because we don’t want to cause men and boys to lust, now do we? Motherhood is so stretching…the marks go on forever! I pray for your little bitty one in the womb!
have you read the book “5 conversations you must have with your daughter” by vicki courtney? something you said reminded me of that book. if you haven’t, its a super SUPER FABULOUS read especially considering the age of Kate!!!
love the war paint pics!