March 17, 2010

• {Life is not a snapshot}

  Xanga has been a good learning tool for me, on so many fronts…
  I never would have guessed that through blogging I would discover more about myself.
  Places in my heart that still need so much work.
  Places I thought were healed.
  Were fine.
  Were dealt with and closed tight with a nice little bow and tag on the side that reads,
  “This area of construction complete.”

  But with the return of my “bb gun stalker” … and no I’ve never talked about this publicly on my site …
  {some of you will remember this from several years ago when it first occurred}
  I’ve seen that this area is not quite finished, and God had some further building to do.

  Especially coming on the tail of other criticisms from blogging “strangers” I’ve dealt with the past year and half.

  Caring what people thought of me was something I felt that I had under control.
  Growing up in a pastor’s home I was used to people watching my life in a fish bowl…
  and always having opinions on which way I should be swimming.

  Although as I’ve discovered..
  those who like to stand outside others bowls and tell them they’re swimming in the wrong direction are not just confined to pastor’s families.
  Sadly, I think it’s just life.
  And more sad still – Christians.
  It really has become a disease among our churches…
  pulling out the microscopes instead of the mirrors!

  

  I think it’s important to remember with everyone’s life that we don’t see the whole picture.
  Which is exactly what happened with this “stalker” person several years back.
  It’s easy to draw wrong conclusions when we’re not operating on all the facts.

  I remember thinking how controlling one particular friend of mine seemed with her kids.
  But then when I heard her story of growing up in a home of abuse. betrayal. and just pure wickedness…
  It made more sense.

  I love what Sandra Bullock said in her acceptance speech at the Oscars,
  thanking her mom for “not letting me ride in cars with boys until I was 18…
  because I would have done what you said I was going to do.”

  Yes. Later in life we discover our parents knew a thing or two..
  and often their protection is born out of their own experiences.

  But that’s just it.
  We don’t always know the history with people..
  the stories behind what makes them who they are.
  And our observations are not always as accurate as we think they are.

  Beyond genuinely knowing someone –
  Bottom line, we can’t see into others hearts.
  And it’s pretty bold to go presuming we can.

  I know this though, and I’m often reminding my kids…
  there is what is called, “The fruits of the Spirit.”
  EVIDENCES of whether or not our actions and words are being controlled by the Spirit.

  So, when I see those who are gossipy.. whisperers.. accusers.. and “presumers..”
  I don’t exactly see that behavior lining up with the things that are supposed to mark us as a child of God.

  

  And trust me.. I’m not just talking about behavior that’s contrary to the fruit of the Spirit from an observers stand point.
  No. I know the behavior all too well because I live it all too often.
  That’s just it. This isn’t about those who judge me being so wrong,
  and me coming off as the innocent, I never step a toenail out of line kind of person…
  I see my flaws and faults.
  But trying to be someone I’m not,
  “copying” others,
  and having a son that likes to kill small animals aren’t among them.
  If you’d like a more accurate list I can provide you with one.

  But I’m very aware of the things in my life that need the canvas of God’s grace to cover.

  So when an issue comes up… all I know to do is take it before the Lord and ask Him to reveal the truth to me.
  Sometimes it’s extra hard because yes, that person was right.
  Sometimes it’s extra hard because no, that person was way off.
  No matter how you slice and dice it self examination brought on by others isn’t fun.
  But if I feel peace from God in an area.. then man’s opinion shouldn’t effect me. right?

  I usually let the kids read the comments on their birthday posts..
  but I hadn’t with Ben.
  He asked me about it the other day and I told him what the bb gun stalker person had said -
  Ben has a huge heart and is super sensitive to things. So I was kinda surprised when he started laughing…
  “She thinks I like killing animals? Mom, that’s just not true!”

  I loved his mater of fact response.
  His resilience.
  And the way he so quickly shrugged it off and went back to eating his ice cream -
  He knew it held no truth. So he wasn’t bothered by it.

  I watched him for several seconds. Smiling. Proud.
  And wished I could let go of “accusations” so easily.
  Even ones I knew held no truth.

  Thing is.

  I don’t.

  I used to think I could.

  Maybe in my old age I’m crankier and find things sticking to me more easily.
  Or when you’re dealing with people who always seem to find SOMETHING…
  I was telling a friend last night that there are those that even if you said,
  “Okay. give me the list. Tell me what I need to do to win your approval…. “
  As soon as you were following the list, there would be another to follow.
  “Oh, when I said skirts I didn’t mean that one was okay… ”
  Or, and a new one for me… people in the blogging world who have never met you in real life,
  but suddenly hold the monopoly on all the issues you need to deal with!

  But actually.
  The reason I think it’s hard for me to turn loose of some of this stuff is -
  bottom line – I want everyone to like me.

  And I don’t think I’m so unusual in wanting that.

  I don’t think anyone relishes the thought there is someone out there who has something against us.
  Whether it’s true or not. No matter who it is…
  family. friends. blogging “strangers.”
  Or even someone as wacky as my “bb gun stalker!”

  But. and here is where God had to open back up an area I didn’t realize still needed so much work…

  In the past if I thought someone was upset with me, or didn’t like me,
  I would trip and blubber all over myself trying to win their approval.
  Feeling such a huge need to EXPLAIN myself and be understood. 
  Ever been there?

  And here’s where the nails especially got hammered in with me this week…
  Reality is. Not everyone is going to like me in life….
  And I cannot change that by “nicing them to death.”
  Pretending that it doesn’t bother me.
  Pretending it doesn’t hurt.
  Even pretending that I don’t care whether or not I have their approval-
  because in my heart of hearts I do care.
  and probably always will.
  But though it matters to me…
  it doesn’t have to control me.

  It is such an exhausting way to live life on the voices of others opinions.

  When I do I either end up phony. or bitter.

  Relationship stuff is so tough.
  and unique.
  and like nothing else in the world to truly reveal our real selves. 
  Because no matter how wrong or hurtful someone else has been..
  at the end of the day,
  when it’s all said and done -
  their response is not our responsibility.
  Only our own.
  And when God asks us to be the first one out of the corner, to uncross our arms and go make it right…
  or love regardless…it’s hard and we’re vulnerable and it can be plain downright scary!
  But I’m believing more and more it’s not really so much about the outcome…
  as it is about the process.

  And as much as I’d like every person in the world to love me and think I’m great…
  it just ain’t so~
  There will always be those relationships in my life – people I know.. people on the internet…
  that baffle and confuse me and irritate the snot out of me in their unfairness and in my opinion, wrong view of me.

  But regardless of how many times we’re knocked down or wounded..
  we have to keep our hearts open. tender.
  And no matter how justified we think we are to be unkind and cruel,
  as a child of God – we never are.
   
  And I’m not talking about a self righteous pat on the head to those people we’re struggling with.
  No one likes to be made to feel like a “ministry opportunity.”
  I’ve been there. Felt like one. Yuck.

  But I think we can ask God to give us a legitimate heart for that person..
  to help us by His grace push through the pain and be able to display sincerity and warmth.
  Because He can do that, ya know? It’s His specialty.
  Fixing what was broken. Restoring what was lost. Bringing beauty out of ashes.

  There’s alot of beauty in my life in friendships and life lessons that were birthed through some very unpleasant circumstances.

  Wanting others approval is something that might have some open construction in my life for awhile…
  I deceived myself by thinking it was done.
  But living and striving for it is something that I feel a whole new breath of fresh air kind of freedom in.

  I know that no person on this planet can fill up the big swiss cheese holes in my heart….
  Those empty places that God and Only God can fill.

  “And yet. God designed us to enjoy and need people too.
  So. It becomes this wild-n-crazy out of balance see-saw for me.
  Very quickly, without Him.
  Because I am always trying to plug people in places they don’t belong.

  The other side to the see-saw is the deceiver beating me up for the way God designed me.
  I hate feeling needy. I even feel “guilty” for it. But isn’t that the very thing that should send me to Him? First. of course.

  And sometimes, doesn’t it? shouldn’t it? include other people as well?!
  Not Ever in place of Him, but because of Him?!”

  Yes.None of the crazy, emotional and often hard things we go through with others is random.
  It’s one of God’s number one ways of reminding us how fragile we are. how needy.
  And ultimately, how so in need Of Him we truly are!

  Sunday night when I was struggling through alot of this stuff I just laid my head over on my knees and said,
  “Lord, do you get this…”
  I had different scenes from His life flash through my mind.
  Talk about being misunderstood, wrongly accused, lied to, lied about, hurt, rejected…
  on levels I’ll certainly never endure.
  And it was like I could see Him smiling down with this huge grin on His face saying, “You better believe I get it.”

  And He went through what He did, so that when I go through what I do,
  I would know that He’s more than capable of providing a way of victory and freedom! 

  

  a song i’m loving lately-

  Do you wonder why you have to
  Feel the things that hurt you
  If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

  Maybe there are things you can’t see
  And all those things are happening
  To bring a better ending

  Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

  Would you dare would you dare to believe
  That you still have a reason to sing
  Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
  It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
  So hold on you gotta wait for the light
  Press on and just fight the good fight
  Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
  It’s just the dark before the morning

  My friend you know how this all ends
  You know where you’re going
  You just don’t know how you’ll get there
  So say a prayer

  And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
  But life is not a snapshot
  It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

  Once you feel the weight of glory
  All your pain will fade to memory

  It’s just the hurt before the healing
  Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
  It’s just the dark before the morning

  and a Scripture i’m loving lately-

  “Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness; for in You do I trust.
  Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift my soul up to You.” ps. 143:8

  • 11:58 pm
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