July 30, 2010

• I came across this old blog post of mine from 08 about forgiveness… funny how that seems to be an area that never seems to get any easier. As often as it rears it’s ugly head in my life I still feel I’m so far from truly grasping hold of the power found in that one little word. I’m sure I will forever be learnING more and more exactly what it means - Here’s where the original post and comments are found. But thought I’d copy & paste it on today’s date too. Reading through my words and emotions from a few years ago was good for me -sobering too. I needed the reminder! Cause there doesn’t ever seem to be that place in life where forgiveness doesn’t apply. isn’t needed. is spiritually outgrown. or suddenly a one time instant fix for the pain of the past or what we might be facing right now. Praying your heart is encouraged in the journey to freedom as well…. 
  
  
  The Theater of Life.

  
  Fiddler wasn’t the only production that took place last weekend~
  
  there was another.
  
  the cast was much smaller. there were no fancy backdrops or costumes. the script was impromptu. and the audience held but ONE.
  
  it took place on the stage of my heart. acted out upon some of the darkest, deepest crevices within…

  
  
  as the curtain opens – it’s Friday night. I’m on my way out to the van where Shayne and the kids are waiting.. a “friend” stops me. there’s something she needs to say. something in my life that has really “angered” her.
  
  I felt my face turn hot. my heart began pounding hard. and my mind whirled with a million different thoughts and emotions. at first my response was okay – “thank you for sharing this.” but as I turned to walk away and one last thing was said, the haughtiness and condemnation it was laced with hit my heart dead center on a chord I tried to keep wound so tight – - yet, I felt it start to unravel… releasing all the pinned up hurt and emotions held there.
  
  my hand reached for the door, yet my flesh leapt forward and my temper flared – I turned and shot back what I hoped was equally as painful words to her – then pushed the door open hard and walked out. the warm night air felt cool against my hot face.
  
  I got in the van and turned looking out the window into the darkness, blinking back the tears that were brimming in my eyes. I wanted to jump into the darkness and disappear – if I wasn’t here perhaps people would have someone else to watch and find fault with!

  

  “what’s wrong babe?” Shayne asked.
  
  “nothing…”
  
  “Really? I’d say you’re about to cry…”
  
  “no…………. YES.”
  
  as I conveyed the story to him and came to the end – the part where I had my say. the part where I didn’t just stand there and take it – the part where I saw the tinge of hurt cross her face… I thought I’d feel more satisfaction. more justice. more pride.
  
  i.   felt.   convicted.
  
  immediately I began to tell the Lord how my few words of anger were nothing in comparison to her hissing words of judgement… try as I may God kept fast forwarding the scene to ME -
  
  just. me.
  
  it was as if He was telling me her part in the scene was obsolete. insignificant. unimportant. on this stage I was the only one standing there ~

  
  
  ————
  
  i remember when i was a young teenager being hurt really badly by someone – - my dad sat on the edge of my bed that night.. and I’ll never forget the seriousness of his face, nor the intensity of his words ~ i remember them nearly quote perfect…
  
  “Amber, regardless of how wrong someone else is you are never justified to harbor bitterness in your heart. you have no choice – you MUST forgive!”
  
  “But how?”
  
  “That’s for God to teach you – so you better pay close attention to HIs voice. I feel like this will always be a “theme” throughout your life – choosing to hang on to bitterness. or letting go in forgiveness. and the greatest lessons God will teach you will come through the suffering others will inflict.”
  
  how many.many.many times those words have echoed in my ears – as they did once again Friday night. and, same as always I had my usual response – “Lord, couldn’t’ you use a different method to teach me?”

    
  
  but I KNOW – even though it doesn’t make me like it any more.. that it is only through pain that I learn the HEALING my Savior has to offer – - pain comes in many ways, yes. but no other pain is more acutely felt than that brought on by people.
  
  I have this quote written in my journal – “People who hurt us don’t always intend to hurt us – they were never even thinking of us — they were thinking about themselves, their lives, just them.”
  
  yet when the hurt comes – we cannot cling to it. we MUST let go. forgiveness is not for THEM…

  Forgiveness is for us!
  
  ————
  
  Freedom.
  
  it’s become a favorite cheer among Christians today~ we hear so much talk about Freedom in Christ… honestly, at moments I feel if I hear that phrase one more time I’ll gaulge my eyes out! To me, some of the ones who scream FREEDOM IN CHRIST the loudest are some of the very ones buried in the deepest bondage there is – the BONDAGE of BITTERNESS.
  
  which to me – having lived in that prison for years, is the hardest bondage of ALL to break.

  
  
  the outward stuff is easy – the change of a hairstyle. a skirt. type of music – these things are NOT freedom.. they are preferences. choices. styles. tastes. likes. dislikes. convictions – whatever you want to call them.
  
  but FREEDOM – genuine chains broken captives set free freedom takes place in the places no one ever sees – - that’s why it’s so easy to stay imprisoned – no one sees what takes in the heart of hearts. the thoughts rehearsed. the anger that simmers. the vengeance longed for.
  
  a few years back there were several relationships in my life that CONTROLLED me ~
  
  they controlled me because I could not forgive – I was in the prison of bitterness within my own heart. a prison so dark. so lonely. so hopeless and depressing. yet a secret to many (most) of the people in my life…
  
  no one knew the DAILY struggle of emotions. the barrage of thoughts. the anger at the injustices. the tears of frustration of no hope, no end in sight.

  
  
  try as I might I could not break free. I could not quiet my fears. I could not take my thoughts captive – they held ME captive.
  
  i.hated.it
  
  … daily pulling against the chains that so bound me – that seemed to be taking away my very LIFE. the harder I pulled the weaker I became –
  
  days where I didn’t want to get out of bed.
  days of fear.
  days of not being able to eat.
  days of no joy. no light.
  
  prison is like that
  
  But the day came – or rather the night – while crying and begging God for deliverance He spoke to me and revealed that the deliverance was ALREADY THERE!
  
  I was sitting in a cell with the door WIDE OPEN. the chains that I thought were holding me were of my OWN making – -

      
  
  I always felt I could never be free from the bitterness that tormented me unless the specific ones who had hurt me came and ASKED for my forgiveness. unless they ADMITTED their wrong.

  (of course we can say in our hearts – “I forgive!” but to be truly released – I thought that wasn’t possible unless there was a full restoration on both sides)
  
  what the Lord began opening my pride-infected eyes to was that forgiveness isn’t like the basket of rolls on the table you pass to someone when asked for – -
  
  it is the basket each and every one of us hold in our hands – filled with the BREAD OF LIFE Jesus Christ – and it is OUR CHOICE to pass it out to whomever we will.

    
  
  amazing as I began to CHOOSE to forgive – whether asked for or not – I felt the chains of hardness. self pity. pride. bitterness begin to fall off link by link.
  
  it wasn’t easy. isn’t easy still.
  
  our flesh wants to make that one pay – and since we can’t physically make them pay we often seek our revenge in ACTING like nothing is wrong. we cannot let them see or know how they hurt us. the tears we’ve cried. the nights we’ve stayed awake. we seek to PROVE that their cutting words do nothing to us. we’re above that. better than that~
  
  but instead of punishing them with our masquerade of freedom – we only dig the pit of bitterness deeper and find ourselves sinking further still into it’s suffocating depths.
  
  PRETENDING all is okay may fool most of the people – but it is not lasting… and eventually whatever we have filled our hearts up with WILL come spilling out for all to see. to see a life overflowing with bitterness is never a pretty sight. to see one overflowing with the love and peace of Christ – you could stand and stare ALL DAY!

  

   
  
  so HOW do we forgive?
  
  we reach into the basket we’re holding – filled with Jesus and draw out HIS love. HIS mercy. HIS compassion. even though everything inside of us is screaming in protest that they do not deserve it –
  
  and they don’t
  
  but they NEED it
  
  SAME AS US.
  
  i’m grateful for the COUNTLESS times in my life others have dipped into their baskets and handed me JESUS – instead of what I deserved!

  
  
  ————–
  
  Nothing changes.
  
  forgiving someone does not mean you are instantly best friends. that suddenly you’re doing coffee and chatting on the phone. some relationships WILL NEVER change – because people never change.
  
  to me that is both sad and yet freeing too – - there are relationships in my life that I LONG to have a deeper level with. but also, realizing it will just never be that way – it just is what it is – is also releasing to me, realizing I don’t have to “try so hard!”
  
  some relationships are like candy apples – you keep putting layer after layer on. polishing it until it shines.. but no matter how good it may LOOK – it still is what it is underneath all the layers!
  
  we ARE NOT responsible for how others choose to respond. we are only accountable for our OWN heart…

  

  
  ————
  
  the whole way home Friday night I wrestled with what I knew God was telling me to do.
  
  finally…
  
  I pulled out my cell phone and called.
  
  what happened drove me to tears – this time happy ones.

    
  
  I asked her forgiveness…
  
  …and she MINE!! she said God had also been working in her heart the whole way home. she knew she was too harsh. too judgemental. her words prideful – and she was wrong!!
  
  I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to hear someone say they were wrong – - not in a “a-ha!” way, but in a very humbling GOD IS SO BIG way!! I can probably count on one hand the number of times where I have felt misjudged or attacked and that person has actually asked forgiveness –  some people hem-haul around and mumble some sort of sorry under their breath. or try to nice you to death next time you see them — but those who genuinely say, “I was wrong will you forgive me!” hmmm.. don’t know if that sentence consist in most vocabularies nowadays.

  “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor (continuous talking), and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice (vengeful gossip):

  And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, FORGIVING one another – even as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you.” Eph. 4: 31 & 32

  

  

  
   
  
  ————–
  
  so as the curtain closes upon the little production that was acted out upon the stage of my heart i take a bow to the ONE watching in the audience. the ONE who directed me so lovingly. the ONE who produced what only HE can – a show honoring and glorifying to His name!
  
  as i walk off stage i stop and look back at the prop i chose not to use. the chains of bitterness – they lay there cold and unattached in a messy heap – i hope the next actors who play here will choose not to use them ~
  
  i smile, turn and walk out the door into the bright blinding light of the SON – i lift my face upward soaking it in…
  
  
  
  I. AM. FREE
  
  
  
  
  and it isn’t any act.

  
  
  
  
  amber.

  
   
    

  • 1:06 am
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