Month: August 2010

  • {My hands are holding you}



    As Shayne left yesterday Emma dropped down and wrapped her arms around both his legs and hung on tight…

    “Come on, baby.” I said as I reached over and tapped her on the head. “Daddy’s gotta go…”

    Though I was kinda feeling inside that I’d like to get down and join her, if I could have. :)

    Instead I stayed up.
    stayed calm.
    smiled.
    Atleast those were the things I was telling myself to do.

    Feeling this floodgate of emotion right outside my heart’s door, but choosing to ignore it’s knock.

    and not saying this as if it’s the cue for everyone to go, “aw. poor Amber….”
    because reality is – which my emotions distort, but reality still the same –
    my life isn’t really as bad as all that.
    my hard isn’t as hard as others.
    I’m very aware of that.
    But.. aware too. It’s still mine. :)

    It seems within minutes of Shayne leaving Emma had fallen off the piano bench and hit her head, crying loudly. Ben was about to join her over frustration with his math. And Kate was uncharacteristically smacking at her keyboard.. which took me a minute to see, wasn’t working.

    I was sitting on the phone for the 3rd time that afternoon with tech support from the kids school. Trying to get the textbooks they forgot to send us. And as I heard the tears and frustration and angry smacking :) from behind me – combined with the overly pleasant recorded female voice saying, “Your call is very important to us. Please hold and one of our representatives will be with you shortly.”

    suddenly… kinda felt that flood of emotions crack the door just a bit -

    I clicked the phone off.
    Turned and tried to give comfort, instruction, correction.
    None of which I seemed to do very well.
    Then, sent the kids outside for “recess.” :)
    As I took one of my own..
    laying my head down on the desk and whispering prayers to the Lord for extra grace…

    I thought of these things I had read just that day::

    “…the prevalent idea that movies and music and TV have the greatest influence on our kids’ lives just doesn’t hold up under research. It may feel better to identify Hollywood, MTV, and today’s culture as the main source of our problem, but the fact remains that we as parents have the greatest influence and opportunity to instill our values and faith within our children. Sure, the culture is a powerful enemy, and it is true that this influence has distorted their perception of Christianity, truth, and reality. But would our young people be where they are today if parents were models of Christlikeness – relationally connecting with their kids, engaging in a concerted effort to reveal who God really is, and leading them to respond as a true follower of Christ?” {The Last Christian Generation, Josh McDowell}

    and,

    “It may be true that she is being too sensitive and too dramatic. But if you tell her that, it won’t help and it could hurt. I was too sensitive and too dramatic just last week. Or was it this morning? Their stuff may be minuscule in the scope of life, but it is their stuff. To respect her life-stage is to love her.”  {on loving those teenage girls, from chatting at the sky – read full post here}

     

    How very much I want to be everything I need and should be to my kids…

    the understanding listener to Kate.
    the enthusiastic motivator to Ben.
    the spontaneous play mate to Emma.

    But. as I sat there yesterday…
    I felt totally inadequate to understand.motivate.have fun.
    Empty of any kind of anything to offer.
    “Their stuff may be minuscule in the scope of life, but it is their stuff.”
    Yes. I know.
    but.there.are.days.
    days I can’t seem to get past my own stuff!

    Thing is. even after my little recess time of laying it out before God -
    the kids were now back in, life rolled on as normal.
    I still wasn’t necessarily feeling super naturally inspired and lifted.
    the computer still wouldn’t work.
    the math problems hadn’t changed.
    and the 4 yr old seemed bent on getting hurt.

    So.. we all just sorta cried and fussed and slapped at the keyboard occasionally and muddled our way through.

    Later, when I went up to my room for something, the radio was playing and this song caught my attention.
    I stood looking out the window as I listened -

    “Why are you striving these days
    Why are you trying to earn grace
    Why are you crying
    Let me lift up your face
    Just don’t turn away

    Why are you looking for love
    Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough
    To where will you go child
    Tell me where will you run
    To where will you run

    And I’ll be by your side
    Wherever you fall
    In the dead of night
    Whenever you call
    And please don’t fight
    These hands that are holding you
    My hands are holding you…”



    It struck me that in spite of those muddled through kind of days..
    when things don’t seem to get any better.
    become instantly easier.
    or miraculously change.

    He’s still holding me.

    Just because He doesn’t always sweep in and save the day the way I might outline in my mind –
    to allow the computer to work. the math genius cells to fall upon me. or little ones to learn better coordination.

    He’s still holding me.

    To be held by Him isn’t about having everything go my way…
    but resting in the truth that the way He is choosing to take me is the very best way for me.

    And not in a self pity whoa is me, “oh, here we go again” kind of attitude.
    but in a quiet assurance that what He allows to happen is because
    He loves me THAT much.
    thinks of me THAT much.
    is THAT concerned.
    THAT caring.

    And that’s why I can make it through life.

    through the day to day stuff.
    the hard stuff.
    the computers breaking,
    emotions flooding,
    and math that makes your eyes cross.

    Not because I pray a prayer and everything is suddenly better.
    Not because my circumstances are what I want or like.
    And not because I’m holding tight to Him…
    especially not that last one -

    To be held by Him is not the same as me holding onto Him.
    because unlike me – He never is fickle.emotional.stressed. or tired.
    He never turns loose.     –

    if I were trying to make it through from relying on my grip on Him I’d never make it – -
    I turn loose way too quickly and much too often.

    no. I make it through…
    because *HE* never lets go of me!



    “The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” {deaut.33.27}

     



    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber      

  • {being right vs. being righteous}

    Ever wake up and not really want to go to church..?
    Today was one of those mornings.

    Not really any particular reason.
    okay. maybe I could have thought of a few. ;)
    Really good spiritual reasons too like…
    being tired.not wanting to brush my teeth.take a shower.shave my prickly legs.comb my hair. put on make up. choose 1 of the 2 skirts i can fit in. and bend over and buckle my shoes.

    In other words I kinda just wanted to attend the Community Church of Bedland -where the motto “come as you are” was first cloned. i.e:: bad breath.prickly legs.unfixed hair. de-make-uped face. pj’s. and barfeet!!!  

    know what changed my mind….?
    having my 4 year old come running in jumping up and down on my bed and saying enthusiastically

    “tom on mom… today’s the day we doe to church!”

    and suddenly. watching her excitement and hearing her voice fluctuate up and down with each bounce made my heart feel instantly lighter, and want to be JUST LIKE THAT! the enthusiasm, not the bouncing. ;)

    So I got up and began the above mentioned list of necessities to make me approachable to the outside world.

    As I was ironing Shayne had the radio playing.
    There’s this old lady that hosts a program every Sunday morning named, Drexanne Evers.
    And she’s as cute and quirky as her name sounds.
    I’ve never seen her, but I imagine her to look alot like my grandma -
    which is exactly as you would imagine a grandma is supposed to look!
    She plays songs from way before our time – and we always get a kick out of listening…
    between the songs and her narration before them it just puts us all in a happier mood on Sundays. :)

    This morning, this song came on.
    Which made us all laugh…
    especially considering I’d thought of a few of those “excuses” just a bit earlier myself!

     

    Glad I didn’t follow through with any of them though…
    church was GOOD! and I felt genuinely refreshed and encouraged.
    Which seems to often be the case with things like that, doesn’t it?
    When you’re the grumpiest about going is when you end up needing it the most!

    A good friend of ours talked today. He’s not a pastor, just a sincere guy with a love & passion for Christ.
    What he shared was something he felt God laid on his heart to tell the church.

    He’s funny, and I laughed alot… but the Holy Spirit also really used it to further drive in some nails of truth He’s been dealing with me about. 

    The title was:: Is it more important to Be Right than it is to Be Righteous?

    It’s not that long. only about 35 min. but I think you’ll enjoy it if you listen…
    the cow story at the end is the best!

    {don’t know why it uploaded in 3 separate tracks, but it did. and you’ll need to turn off my playlist}

    track1::

    track2::

    track3::

    have a great week ahead!



     


    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber      

  • {Biblical Womanhood?}

    “The question of “sex-equality” is, like all questions affecting human relationships, delicate and complicated. It cannot be settled by loud slogans or hard-and-fast assertions like “a woman is as good as a man”–or “woman’s place is the home”–or “women ought not to take men’s jobs.” The minute one makes such assertions, one finds one has to qualify them….

     The lives of individual female Christ-followers will never look exactly alike, so we must never reduce the message and definition of biblical womanhood to that of a role. Nor should we allow others to define this message as such, for being a woman made in the image of God and rescued from corrosive, indwelling sin by the atonement of Jesus is the preeminent definition of biblical womanhood….”

    Read the full article here:: Are Women Human?



    Honestly, questioning a woman’s biblical role has never really crossed my mind {until recently}. Even as a stay at home mom who homeschools her kids, you would think it would. But I’ve never defined those things as, “this is what I feel the Bible teaches.”  Which I know many in that category do/ or believe that.

    About not working outside the home – When asked why, my answer is, “I don’t really want to.” Which is not a cop out for having to give some huge explanation. None is needed. Because that’s the answer, plain and simple. Sometimes I think I’m weird that it typically never crosses my mind to want to be working somewhere {else}. ;) Now, there have been times I’ve wanted/ would like the extra money. But when I think of being able to buy a new pair of shoes in exchange for flexibility and freedom, nope. not really worth it to me. I’m just independent enough that way that I don’t like answering to others demands and expectations! {just ask my husband} ;)

    About homeschooling my kids – anyone who knows me well knows that has not been something I’ve ever done a happy dance over… savoring the smell of freshly sharpened pencils and new workbooks. Criticize if you want, that’s fine. But it’s been, and is, a struggle for me. Actually one of the strongest points of disagreement in our marriage. I came to the place a few years ago of releasing it the Lord. Being able to put my big girl pants on about it and realize that just because homeschooling isn’t my thing – my kids certainly are, and I can do this for them. And strive to do it well. In retrospect, compared to many other things, it’s not overly hard. {remind me I said that tomorrow at about 11:00 am} ;)

    Course that’s not to say this time next year my kids won’t be in public school and I’ll be working at Macy’s! We don’t make decisions in concrete~ we’re not old, but old enough to know that there have been many things in our 14 years of marriage that God has changed our hearts on. Shown us we were dead wrong. And redirected our path. So, more than likely, our lives might look very different than they do now in 5 years. In some ways I think that’s how it’s supposed to be.. what it means to be conformed to His image. to walk in the Spirit – simply listening, following, changing according to His leading.

    So huge rabbit trail there to say that even in the areas of my life where others looking in might conclude I’m doing them based upon what I would say the Biblical role of a woman is, no.. it’s not that at all. I don’t think God made us from cookie cutters. And glad of it. It’s about individuality. And I really mean, individual. Even apart from your husband. And since I’m sure that raises some eyebrows, though I think you know what I’m saying… you alone before God are responsible/ accountable for your actions, attitudes, responses. Of course couples should follow/obey God together, but I know for some they don’t have that option. For those of us who do, we should. But it makes it much easier to follow Him together if we’re first following Him individually!

    But even as individuals. And especially women there seems to be those who want to map out and define for us what our role SHOULD look like….

    Lately, I seem to be hearing it from so many directions – in my sunday school class. among friends. in blogs {like here}. in comments and private messages {hearing from some who’ve been raised in certain circles that have even produced in them a false sense of shame for being women, embracing femininity, etc.} have heard it on the radio too, catching occasionally, ‘Revive our Hearts,’ where Nancy Leigh DeMoss is talking about  “The Counter- Cultural Woman.”

    And I’m so not saying what I’m hearing from some of these sources isn’t right. Not at all. Just that it’s obviously an issue many women struggle with, face, and are seeking God’s light to guide them into truth. REAL truth. I think we do need to be careful with what we determine is truth. Even when someone points to a chapter and verse and says, “here…” We still need to be wise and attentive to the voice of God within us, and not blindly follow. I told Shayne that it seems anymore Christians can make the Bible say pretty much whatever they want it to. Which is scary how naive others {myself included at times} are to quickly jump on board just because someone has said, “thus sayeth the Lord…” When perhaps that’s not at all what thus sayeth the Lord truly meanteth! ;)

    So, in case you forgot after all my words in between… :)
    go back up and click the link and read the article.


    Would love to hear some of your own experiences and further thoughts in this whole area.



    Hope everyone has a great weekend~
    the boys are off to watch a high school football game,
    and the girls and I are going to the dollar theater to watch a chick flick! :)



    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber      

  • {plastic church people}

    This morning while cleaning up the breakfast dishes…
    Emma was behind me playing on the table with her Polly Pockets and Ben’s G.I. Joe’s.
    When I was finished she asked if I would play too.

    So, I sat down.
    And following her lead, within all of about 10 minutes,
    our little plastic people had –
    been to camp.
    played duck duck goose.
    hide and go seek.
    rode motorcycles.
    broke up with a boyfriend.
    had a mother who”dieded.”
    and visited a father in the hospital who, “dot shot in da woods and toodn’t walk.”

    I went on to some other chores after awhile.
    Later, when I walked back through the kitchen I heard what appeared to be a church service now going on….

    I usually never think of my video camera till after a moment has passed.
    but for some reason I thought of it.
     
    Maybe it was because I was noticing that her words are getting clearer…
    She’s sounding more grown up…
    And I found myself kinda missing that little lisp…
    those hard to identify words.

    Took me a minute to locate where the camera even was and dig it out -
    But here’s some of the bits and pieces I caught:



    Tonight after I downloaded the pictures I snapped of Emma’s imaginary church,
    I found myself a bit amused as I was looking through them by some of the expressions looking back at me.

    Suddenly. I sat up a little straighter and looked a little closer..
    I think I’ve seen some of these plastic people before. ;)

    Check out the guy in red…
    ever seen that face in your church before?
    I think maybe he doesn’t like the guy keeping his shades on during the service.

    Some people go to such extremes to hide who they really are, don’t they?
    OR… before we judge him so harshly - 
    Ever have the feeling you need an oxygen tank to be around some people?
    Yes. there are times you feel that scared. that intimidated. that fearful.  

    Not sure about this guy.
    he might just have a question…
    or simply be worshiping.
    could need to use the bathroom..
    or maybe he wants to point out there’s another guy with shades on during the service!

    Apparently the girl in the yellow fainted cause her friend wore a bikini to church.
    But it’s okay – the guy next to her has on his “immodesty buffer wear.”
    ah, now we know what all those shades are about! ;)


    The song, “Stained Glass Masquerade” came to mind, and I googled the lyrics.
    As I read through the words they stirred and convicted my heart.
     

    And I want to be sure to say that even in making light of some things above I'm quick to remember-
    I've played the masquerade all too often and all too well many times throughout my life. 
    I've     been that scowly faced person before. 
    wanting to point out others faults. 
    slap my hand over my mouth in self righteous disbelief. 
    worn the biggest astronaut helmet I could hide under. 
    and left others lugging their oxygen tanks around behind them from my cutting words, or worse yet...
    unspoken ones. the ones that speak loudest through my prideful, arrogant, self elevated spirit towards them.

    I really want to live mask free. truly.
    And not just in a, that’s the thing we’re supposed to say kind of way…
    But in a, even though I know there will be tons more times I’m going to get it wrong.
    mess up. play the part. participate in the masquerade.
    HIS grace will continue to work. to draw me.
    to show me again and again…
    it’s not about getting it all right outwardly it’s in being right with Him inwardly – in that kind of way, i want to live mask free!     

    Who we really are is where only God sees.
    Life flows from the heart.
    Which is why we are called human beings.
    Not human doings!      :) 

    {words to song}

    Is there anyone that fails
    Is there anyone that falls
    Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

    Cause when I take a look around
    Everybody seems so strong
    I know they'll soon discover
    That I don't belong

    So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
    If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
    So with a painted grin, I play the part again
    So everyone will see me the way that I see them

    Are we happy plastic people
    Under shiny plastic steeples
    With walls around our weakness
    And smiles to hide our pain
    But if the invitation's open
    To every heart that has been broken
    Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

    Is there anyone who's been there
    Are there any hands to raise
    Am I the only one who's traded
    In the altar for a stage

    The performance is convincing
    And we know every line by heart
    Only when no one is watching
    Can we really fall apart

    But would it set me free
    If I dared to let you see
    The truth behind the person
    That you imagine me to be

    Would your arms be open
    Or would you walk away
    Would the love of Jesus
    Be enough to make you stay

    Are we happy plastic people
    Under shiny plastic steeples
    With walls around our weakness
    And smiles to hide our pain
    But if the invitation's open
    To every heart that has been broken
    Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

    But if the invitation's open
    To every heart that has been broken
    Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

    Is there anyone that fails
    Is there anyone that falls
    Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small


    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber     

  • {dust.}

    “. . . and so it was that the animals first saw the visiting duck, quivering by the willow trunk. Her eyes glinted young and eager; her tail feathers anxiously pricked; her beak stretched into a curve, roughly similar to a human smile.
    None of this the animals saw, however. Their shallow eyes were drawn away by the strange flecks of color scattered through her feathers—the traditional brown replaced by golden yellow and orange. Her feet were oddly discolored and smaller than usual. A single green feather sprouted from her tail like a shoot of grass.
    She was certainly different than any duck they had ever seen.

    And because the animals rarely saw new things, they thought this new duck was unnatural. And because she was unnatural, they thought her strange. And because she was strange, they decided they should not like her. And so they did not like her—not at all.

    The old willow, who was always watching and listening, sensed this unspoken decision at once. She felt suddenly saddened, thinking of years and years ago, before any of the creatures had ever come to the pond, before the apartments had been pulled up around it, before the road had been paved and the fountain erected. She thought of herself, just a tiny seed. She thought of how glad she had been to find the small pond with its sweet water and warm earth. She thought of how sad she would have felt had the ground chosen to dislike her. But of course it had not, for dirt rarely thinks itself better than others. . . . “  ~Dust, by Bryn.




    An excerpt from a children’s book I read late in the night Friday.
    It’s simple truth rolling over in my mind.
    Like one turns a penny from side to side examining it in a distracted, yet deliberate way.

    I felt the spirit collide with my flesh as old wounds resurfaced and freshly scabbed ones were pricked… having that contradiction within myself of desiring a deeper walk with God – KNOWING that it is often through suffering He draws me closer. Especially, it seems, the acute sting we experience at the hand of others… being judged. misunderstood. criticized. talked about. even blatantly ignored.  And yet finding myself as I’m being drawn to Him, and having this strange sense of gratefulness for the circumstances… all at the same time and in the very same moment having the pangs of bitterness tighten the doors of my heart and any Christ like response fades in an instant. And suddenly, I’m simply tired of trying.  

    And as I flipped my penny of thought back and forth I found myself asking why it seems the one thing that God said was the greatest of all is the hardest of all for us to do?

    On the other hand it seems fairly effortless for Christians to follow after things that have absolutely no chapter or verse behind them- and yet that which God says is most important. first. above everything else. that He addresses repeatedly. refers to as our trademark. and even prays Himself for it to be our defining difference…     like that hard rubber ball bouncing around a room and each time it hits the wall of the world they hear the loud echo of it’s power… somehow we minimize it’s meaning. mechanically give it lip service but don’t truly follow after it in our hearts.


    “This is how everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” jn.13.35

    “The entire law is summed up in a single command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” gal.5.14

    We focus so much on exterior things but miss the very framework that holds every other principle of the Bible together!

    But simply knowing truth does nothing to change us.
    It’s what we do with that truth.
    And it’s certainly not in simply trying harder- it’s in knowing Him more.

    so. how do I forgive when I’ve been hurt?how do I keep my heart open to others?to not turn in judgement on the ones judging me?how do I love when nothing in me feels an ounce of love towards that person?

    Only.
    By living at the foot of the cross.

    When I came to this thought I stopped and remembered something a friend wrote to me 4 years ago.
    It was during a time when our church was going through alot of nasty backbiting and disunity.
    It’s copied in my journal and I went and dug it out because she says it so well~

    “When I survey the wondrous cross
    On which the Prince of Glory died
    My richest gain I count but loss
    And pour contempt on all my pride

    Nothing else can do it. When we see ourselves as God sees us – “high” standards, or “low,” – that nothing but the Son of God on the cross can save us, we should be humbled to the dust. Can we look at others as God does? I would say no. Not without standing right next to the cross of Christ. How many of us claim to be there? How many of us are really clinging to that cross… how many of us see others as God does?

    Everytime we look at the cross Christ says to us, “I am here because of you. It is your sin I am bearing, your curse I am suffering, your debt I am paying, your death I am dying.” Nothing in history or in the universe cuts us down to size like the cross. When our focus gets off the cross, we can easily see where changes need to be made in all sorts of places in the body of Christ… we’re not focusing on what God wants to do in US, but what we think he should do in others.

    All of us have inflated views of ourselves, especially in self-righteousness, until we have been sitting long and hard at a place called Calvary. It is there at the foot of the cross that we shrink to our true size.

    I know we,( I ) , would find in that realm, in God’s presence, that all that we thought we knew, we knew very little. In His presence is fullness of joy. All spiritual rest is stolen away when we take our gaze off of Christ, and focus our gaze on other’s faults.

    I’m learning in my own spiritual life that we all have a place of repentance we need to find — that we don’t take the verse “take the speck only after you see the log” as an excuse to quickly say, “Oh, I’ve got problems, sins, not always right…. but here now that I’ve said that, let me help you with your many specks…” and the pecking begins.

    When we are next to the cross and see ourselves as God sees us (yes, even all us conservative high standard folks) we see logs. Yes, LOGS. IF, God is gracious enough to reveal who we are so that we can be right and close to Him. If we aren’t seeing those logs and focusing on them, rooting them out of our lives, we’ve got to wonder if we are really on track with God! And usually, from my own experience, it takes awhile to deal with logs. A long while sometimes. Usually, by the time I’ve half way been workin on that log in my own eye, the speck in someone else’s doesn’t look even big enough to peck at.

    Revival starts in individuals. Not through high standards, not through new commitments to new issues, not through straightening out the “crooked,” not through knowing all the right answers, knowing that you know you are right about Scripture — it comes by seeing our own spiritual dryness, our need for mercy, our total dependency on the infinite God who is willing and waiting to answer if we will humble ourselves and cry out to Him.”




    AT the foot of the cross where the ground is level and we’ve all come the same way…
     
    there.
    may.we.remember.

    to extend the same mercy we have found iN Him, and continue to find, to those kneeling in the dust around us.

    It’s the only way to stay focused on Christ.live with eternity in mind. give up the illusion that any of us are better than the other. quit pretending. and start admitting. we’re all imperfect and in need of grace. 



    “Let us therefore follow after the things which make for PEACE…”  rom. 14.19


    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber     




  • {ShOp tHe hOusE}  
    second.edition

    It all started a few weeks ago~
    sitting on the couch day after day trying to keep this baby girl from coming too early.
    I’m not sure what began annoying me more….
    always sitting in the same direction,
    or noticing the countless lacy cobwebs that hung hidden from the ceiling -
    until the sun streamed through the windows at a certain time each afternoon.

    When I pointed out the fact to Shayne, that I was beginning to feel like I lived in the insect house at the zoo..
    he reminded of that verse in the Bible that says something about even the kings palaces have spider webs.
    To which I reminded him – and maids too! ;)

    Finally. one night while he was at football practice with Ben,
    I decided it was time to give the living room a good cleaning -
    which a good cleaning to me usually means re arranging something.

    I waited on Shayne to get home because I knew I couldn’t/ shouldn’t lift anything.
    But went ahead and took all the pictures and shelves off the walls..
    then sat back down facing south on my couch.
    {that’s just a guess. i’m about as good w/ my directions as i am my states} ;)

    I looked around at the empty walls and tried to think of what I could do that would be different and fresh..
    without – of course – spending a dime.

    So… I took off shopping.
    in.my.house.


     
    I gathered all the things I thought might work and brought them to the living room.
    Most came from my upstairs hall.
    I’d work a bit then sit down {rest} and assess.
    Then, get up. move it all around some more. and sit again. :)

    When Shayne got home he was sweet to do all the heavy lifting.
    He’s become so much more understanding of my “hobby.” :)

    When he walked in the living room that night and saw the walls bare I don’t think his face even flicked of any response… he simply called casually over his shoulder to the kids, “better look before you sit. things are not where they used to be!” :)

    So I’m enjoying the purchases I found from shopping my house~
     
    Here’s what it all looks like now….
    Which I should point out I know it’s kinda hard to get an idea of the room as a whole because I really don’t have a lens that takes it all in – if you’d like a better view you could mail me a wide angle lens. ;p

    AND since I didn’t really think about showing pictures of the makeover until AFTER -I didn’t take any pictures before!! {yeah. sometimes i simply live life and think about blogging about it later} ;) So… the only shots I have of the living room were from last year. Just in case you were wondering why I’d already decorated for fall.

    K. ‘nough explaining. here we go -

    {before/ after looking in from shayne’s office}


     

    We moved the entertainment center to the other side of the room…
    Shayne kept reminding me we wouldn’t have tv because there’s not cable hookup over there.
    I never let that kind of stuff deter me from putting things where I want them – you can always figure that out later. ;)
    Besides, with football season quickly approaching…
    I have a feeling Shayne will suddenly be seeing the “need” for us to have TWO cable connections in the house! ;)
     
    i want to eventually paint the entertainment center&the desk below – but for now it is what it is


     
     
    {before/after looking in from kitchen}

     the couch and chair look the same from this angle.. but one is one and one is the other :)


           

    {wall with shelves re placed from ones upstairs}


     


     

    {fireplace corner before/after}

     i brought the desk down from our room.. and now the sofa table that was in the LR functions as our desk upstairs



    Some of the dEtaiLs.

    **The curtains…

     

    They seemed to suddenly look heavy to me w/ the long scarf that draped over them.
    So I took it down and pulled the sheers open….
    Just a subtle change, but so much breezier and lighter.

     

    **The color…

    I wanted to try to tie in the blue color of the pillows…
    I found an old can of the paint we’d used in kate’s room so I just threw a quick coat over a few things - 

     

    **Those nail holes…

    When you look at the two pictures behind the couch straight on you can see they’re a little off center -
    that’s because I had to hang them in such a way to hide the numerous and hideous nail holes on the wall.

    So don’t be afraid of putting holes in your walls -
    they’re way easily hidden. :)

    **How to Get extra decorating money…

    Sometimes no matter how much walking round and round your house you do -
    that one item you need
    or would be the completing thing to tie it together
    or simply look super neat in that corner…
    just ain’t there!

    So you need to buy.

    That’s when I start looking around for things to sell -
    {and the kids run and hide} ;) kidding.

    …things I no longer need/ want.
    things I’m so over or have lost their wow factor to me.

    I try to put the money back into what it was I sold.
    i.e. clothes – buy new clothes. house – things for the house

    sometimes it plain ole goes to food or bills -
    been known to sell things for those reasons too. :)
    but mostly it’s the water wheel effect.. back into where it came from.



    pillows.picture.flowered chair.pillar-
    i sold at a consignment store and got nearly 200 bucks

    **This old trunk…


    It used to be my parents.
    I remember it in our family room as a girl growing up -


    I saw it in their garage a while back and asked if I could use it.
    I’ll probably paint it the blue color eventually.. but for now I just wanted something faster so I used spray paint!

    Speaking of paint colors – have you seen the new Behr swatches from Home Depot?

    I haven’t actually bought a can of paint in years literally –
    but went in this week to pick up something for Ben’s room that I’m working on.
    Thought this was such a great idea..

    They’re individual..!! so clever. no more of the 5 colors on the same card thing.
    and bigger! No more stretching your arm out and squinting to try to see what it might look like.
    My favorite part is they have these super cute leaf cutouts where the little circle holder goes~

    and Yes.  I’m one of those crazy obsessive people that picks up 100 swatches at a time!!

     

    **Behind the Picture Scene

    While snapping the shots of the color swatches above I was distracted by what sat just beyond them..

    This is what my living room looked like the day after I re decorated it all.
    I enjoyed it while it looked “perfect” but that’s not reality. This is….


    {boxes from our school books that make great toys!}

    And I noticed this little statue thingy I found for 5 bucks at Home Goods is constantly found in different parts of the room,
    and has become a popular storage place for various things…

    **Websites I’ve recently discovered and love!!

    House of Turquoise

    desire to inspire

    The Well Dressed Home

    ** My favorite website of the moment…

     Dreamy Whites


    {photo by her NOT me!}


    Not only is this place bursting with creativity and beauty..
    it’s author seems so down to earth and someone you’ll find yourself wanting to have a coffee with -
    which makes it even more appealing.

    She was sweet enough to swing by a few posts ago to “introduce” herself and say, hey.

    So if you don’t have time for the others above atleast check her out!! 

    **Take a Vote~

    Yesterday I brought in this piece of picket fence that was outside.
    Can’t decide if I like it or if it makes the wall look too busy…

    {here’s kinda the before/after}  

     

    What do you think?
    Stay or go?

    And maybe it would look better white?

      

    So.. it’s all such a work in progress.
    But that’s what makes it so fun.. the progress.

    Remember just because that picture has hung on the wall for 10 years,
    or the couch always faced south ;)
    doesn’t mean it has to stay that way.


    When you shop.the.house you might be surprised that the mirror from the bathroom looks perfect over the mantle!




    Don’t be afraid of ChAngE.
    That’s the neatest thing of all about decorating -
    nothing is permanent! 






     


    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber     


  • {Oh, brother! and finding Home}

    Note to Self:: when you need to talk to one of your brothers and they don’t seem to be responding – simply send a text telling him you’re in labor and can’t get a hold of anyone else in the family! the time between hitting send and hearing my cell ring was less than a minute!! i was laughing. he was not!  ~my facebook status last night



    {love my boys!}

    As one friend said –
    “Ah, the perks of being a pregnant lady! ;) I’ve forgotten all the ways of exploiting it…. ;) ”

    Exactly.

    *** ~ *** ~ *** 

    Shayne is gone this week and the kids went with him to stay at his parents!
    The house is so strangely quiet.
    Surprisingly – I don’t like it.
    I told Shayne to remind me of that on my next rough mommy day after the kids are back! ;)

    It actually has been something that has struck me in such a deep way -
    and I know it’s not the first I’ve felt this, but for some reason the acute awareness of it makes it feel like it is…
    That regardless of the craziest toughest messiest most exasperating frustrating confusing noisiest disobedient whiniest tear filled mundane days as a mom~ I’ll take those ANY TIME over this. This… strange silence.

    Though surrounded by a neat and tidy house –
    Not a dish in the sink.
    Not a sock in the dryer.
    Not a bed unmade.
    Not a fingerprint on the back door.
    Yet, such a hallow feeling.

    Our homes certainly are not made of bricks and stones.
    They are living breathing human dwellings that walk beside us and house the things we truly love most~ 

    Kate and I have been emailing each other each morning and night. Which has been so sweet.
    She wrote, “I’m writing in my journal every day while I’m here. I don’t want to forget the places I learned to trust God more…” 

    I picture her face even now and smile.

    Yes. Though “home” – I’m not really.


    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber     

  • {isa.26:3}

     

     
    “You     keep {guard.protect.conceal.hide.watch over} him
                       in     perfect peace {free from anxiety}
                               whose mind is     stayed {fastened securely} on you,
                                                         because     he trusts {confident. sure of. made to hope} in you.


     


    Peace is not about changing our circumstances~
    but seeing God change us as a result of them.




    Do you have a Scripture verse that’s been on your heart lately?
    or one that comes to mind as you think of the week ahead?

    Write them out in the comment box below and share with the rest of us…


    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber     

     

  • {my bandaided-belly-button story}

    I was supposed to meet my mom for lunch this afternoon and running late {surprise!}, so I quickly just reached in my closet and grabbed one of my sundresses that didn’t need ironing.. or atleast too obviously. Before heading out the door I walked past the full length mirror in our room and stopped. Something grabbed my attention I hadn’t noticed before – actually, it’s never happened to me in any of my other pregnancies….

    My belly button was sticking out!

    Which I can’t even say “belly button” any more without thinking of this song~
    I can hear Emma’s little voice in my head singing, “belwee buddon, ooo-ooo.”
    I thought I’d stick it on for fun to watch with your kids

    {you’ll for sure have to turn the playlist off for this one.. the two don’t mix well}

    I stopped and cocked my head to one side thinking of how funny and just.. odd it looked.
    Then, took my index finger and pushed it down.
    As if thinking I could poke it back in or something?
    duh.

    Since my shoes were already on – the ones my husband has to buckle for me ;) I didn’t really feel like changing, or have time. And since I didn’t think it would look noRmaL to walk around with my finger on my belly button all afternoon I suddenly got a genius thought…

    “I’ll bandaid it.”

    I went down the hall to the bathroom and was happy to discover we actually did have some left in the house…
    Usually when I buy them the casualties seem to instantly double round here. ;)

    One didn’t seem thick enough.. so I put on a few {like 3or4or6??} more.
    And was quite pleased with my little square invention that DID work to hold the bulge in…

    However.. like most of my impulsive ideas I didn’t necessarily think it through to the end.  :/

    Let’s just saw I now know that all these years that I’ve told my kids ripping their bandaids off quickly will be less painful than pulling it off slowly is A Lie~!!! It’s a wonder I didn’t rip my whole belly button out in the process. I now have this nice square patch of bare skin in the middle of my stomach that kinda sorta in a cool way resembles the state of Montana! Actually I’m not sure what that state looks like – I just randomly picked one. But it does look like the shape of a state. I think. Though I guess you can’t really take my word for it since I’m not sure what they all even look like, right? and yes, I’m a homeschool mom – but that has nothing to do with it!

    I had all these spiritual analogies come to mind about wanting to stick a “bandaid” over the things in our lives we don’t want others to see~ which is why I began this post to start with. But.. as I watched the belly button video above they all seemed to have left me! :) Think I’ll go find a ice pack and head to bed instead. ;)

    a few notes to self on the subject as i close though::
    1. embrace the changes in your body
    2. but avoid sundresses that reveal them so obviously
    3. and remember, pregnant women in their last trimester seldom have genius thoughts! ;)

     

    happy weekend~!


    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber     

  • {Ready or Not…}

    It’s late. The house is quiet. The crickets seem extra loud outside tonight…
    we finally had that much needed rain this afternoon.
    I don’t think it really cooled things off much – just made the air even thicker.
    The ceiling fan above my head feels nice and cool on my shoulders.
    I don’t ever remember being so hot in a pregnancy before~
    and nope. that is not the hot as in “attractive” kind of way. ;)

    But there’s been alot of things with this pregnancy I don’t seem to remember with the others~

    Were my ankles ever this big?
    Did the other babies move like this one?
    Did I feel like their foot was coming out my throat?
    Was it so hard to roll over at night?
    And don’t ever, ever remember asking my husband to buckle my sandals because I couldn’t bend over?

    I’ve had many people ask me what it’s like to be pregnant over 35… can I tell a difference?
    This entire pregnancy my answer has been no, I couldn’t necessarily tell.
    Suddenly though, in the last few weeks I’m thinking that yeah.. 36 IS slightly different than 31.



    Funny how sometimes you never think about something until someone else kinda puts the thought in your head… I don’t typically think of myself as old. Most days don’t feel old. And certainly most days probably don’t act like it either. ;)

    But noticing the aches and pains like never before makes me wonder if the raised eyebrows over having babies past 35 bears a little truth~? Course my own mom had my youngest brother at 42. So I’m thinking I might have a few in me still. ;) But yeah. Just interesting to me the whole opinions of others- how it subtly creeps in and trips us up from time to time…

    One lady asked me the other day why in the world I had planned my family this way.
    “Why did you space your kids out so far?”

    I wasn’t really in the mood to give her the running history of my ovaries, so I just smiled and said simply, “I didn’t…”

    I went through a time of feeling “condemned” in my own heart for not wanting more kids right away after Ben….we decided to wait a few years and used birth control,  and then when I didn’t/ couldn’t get pregnant 4 years later, thought it was God punishing me. Or so some around me would have me believe~! And Emma serves as such a real life reminder to me that even though the choices of our past do effect our lives, they are not what determines it.

    THAT is ultimately in the hands of the Lord…

    He is the Redeemer. The Restorer. The beauty from ashes Bringer. And the mourning to dancing Exchanger.
    He heals our blindness and does not turn us around to see all the things perhaps we missed out on, but all the things ahead He has in store. His will is never thwarted by our selfishness, His Godship never lessened by our humanness, and His power never stifled by our disobedience. When the Bible says He works all things together for good, it really means – “all things.”

    When I came to a place of truly recognizing and believing His Sovereignty, so many things on my wheel of regrets that cycled round my mind were suddenly at peace.


     

    And speaking of His control …. I’m stopping now to let those words echo through my heart a minute.

    It’s easy to talk about in light of what He’s done in the past.. because those are things I KNOW. I’ve seen the outcome. But for the future. For the days ahead. Hmm.. I sense that little hesitation inside that says, “maybe this time it’ll be different…” And I wish my faith wasn’t so weak. so conditional. but it often is.

    I used to read the story of the Israelites roaming in the dessert and get so mad at those people…
    I mean here God would have just brought food from the sky and water from a rock. Hello? Are you really murmuring and questioning Him? But. I look at my own life and see way too often.. mm-hmm, I’d have made a pretty good Israelite! :)

    I’ve found myself the last week or so starting to have so many worries about this baby..
    and I don’t typically consider myself a worrier. Unless of course there’s something really legit to worry about. ;p

    I held a friends baby the other day that’s about 3 months old and when he began to fuss I sat him up on my lap to where he instantly slumped like a beanie pillow. I tried to scoot him back up, but down he slumped again. I put my hand under his chin, but even then.. it just didn’t seem right. Shayne looked across the room and stated the obvious,

    “Babe.. he’s not looking too comfortable there.”

    And inside I admit, I felt a little panicky at how awkward I felt with a tiny one in my arms! And heard the question going off in my head, “Am I going to remember how all this is done?”

     



    Or those little whispery type worries that you don’t even want to breathe an ounce of energy towards, let alone say outloud…. what.if.something.is.wrong. Will the baby be okay? Will she be healthy, “normal,” have ten finger and ten toes and her ears in the right place! And of course.. of course of course of course, I {we} will love this baby no matter what! That’s why I never take any of the testing they want to give you for all that because why would I? It doesn’t change us WANTING this precious girl. From valuing her life.

    But still… the thoughts come. and you wonder. and worry. and try not to, but do.

    It was sweet yesterday morning, I was talking to my Dad and expressing some of these things to him …
    and he said in his calm dad type voice,

    “Ya know, sis… wondering if your kids are okay is something that never ever goes away…”

    It made me smile. And does even now. To hear his reassurance. And feel a new level of understanding into his heart – because now my heart identifies like it never did before I had kids of my own!



    And then there’s just the typical getting everything ready mode -feeling the need to fluff and feather and prepare my nest… which for me means arranging and rearranging and arranging back again every single room in my house! {i’ll have to show you some of my nesting in the next post!} ;)

    I was feeling worried too that we didn’t have enough clothes for the baby. Most of Emma’s has been given away or taken to consignment shops to sell so we could buy clothes for the other 3 growing babies we have! ;) Shayne told me to go last week and pick up some new things that he knew would just help ease my mind and give me more of a “prepared” feeling – even if it is an illusion. ;)

    I was thinking today how I need to get some of that special detergent to wash the baby clothes in and it struck me rather funny how when a baby is first born you want to do everything just oh, so right! Then, after a few months if the onesies happen to get thrown in with the muddy football uniform being soaked and washed in Tide with bleach, oh well! Or you can’t find the special butt paste for the diaper rash, vaseline will have to do! Or the pacifier drops on the floor – I laugh because this is so us – in the beginning you boil it every time! Then, rinse it. Then resort to simply sticking it in your own mouth to clean. Then, find yourself thinking of all the benefits a few pieces of dirt might be for their immune system! :)

     
         

    But things are getting done. The girls bed to share is up… The screws for the baby bed found… The carseat ready…

    And despite any fear or worry or anxiety over any of the above.. I’m so ready to hold this little one in my arms!

    At times it seems like I’m in one of those bad dreams where you’re trying to get dressed and you’re moving in slow-mo with 10 pound weights on your feet! You’ll just never ever get to where you’re supposed to be. OR… when you do, you’ll look down and discover you forgot some really important, crucial piece of clothing and everyone is staring~ :/

    Even though I don’t know when this baby is coming, or what will happen. And my heart races in excitement and fear combined.. the anticipation of it all at times almost overwhelms me. Still. I know… know when this little one decides to make her entrance that regardless of whether all the screws are in the bed just yet, the clothes are washed with the right stuff, or I’m feeling totally and completely unprepared and inadequate…. or the unthinkable, something not being “right” or going wrong….

    No-Matter-What God will meet me there. In the moment. With grace pouring down as free and plentiful as the rain outside today. He will not be surprised by any event that takes place in my life. He has planned it. Along with all the details that surround it. And I choose to purposely and deliberately grab hold of this truth and rest in that! … even if I can’t rest that great for now in my own bed. ;)


     

     

    And by the way – someone text me tomorrow and remind me to get butt paste and that special baby detergent..


    ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber     



    ps. shayne has been able to be home the past few weeks and that’s been great – but leaving again for Can. this Sunday. :o again.. trusting those details to the One who’s already there… and thanks so much for the continued prayers. I told Shayne it would funny {though not really} if this baby ends up being like 4 wks late or something. As we get closer to the safe zone I might have to ask for ppl to let up on those prayers some.. we might never get this baby girl out! ;)


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