August 12, 2010

• {Ready or Not…}
  
  It’s late. The house is quiet. The crickets seem extra loud outside tonight…
  we finally had that much needed rain this afternoon.
  I don’t think it really cooled things off much – just made the air even thicker.
  The ceiling fan above my head feels nice and cool on my shoulders.
  I don’t ever remember being so hot in a pregnancy before~
  and nope. that is not the hot as in “attractive” kind of way.
  
  But there’s been alot of things with this pregnancy I don’t seem to remember with the others~
  
  Were my ankles ever this big?
  Did the other babies move like this one?
  Did I feel like their foot was coming out my throat?
  Was it so hard to roll over at night?
  And don’t ever, ever remember asking my husband to buckle my sandals because I couldn’t bend over?
  
  I’ve had many people ask me what it’s like to be pregnant over 35… can I tell a difference?
  This entire pregnancy my answer has been no, I couldn’t necessarily tell.
  Suddenly though, in the last few weeks I’m thinking that yeah.. 36 IS slightly different than 31.

  
  
  Funny how sometimes you never think about something until someone else kinda puts the thought in your head… I don’t typically think of myself as old. Most days don’t feel old. And certainly most days probably don’t act like it either.
  
  But noticing the aches and pains like never before makes me wonder if the raised eyebrows over having babies past 35 bears a little truth~? Course my own mom had my youngest brother at 42. So I’m thinking I might have a few in me still. But yeah. Just interesting to me the whole opinions of others- how it subtly creeps in and trips us up from time to time…
  
  One lady asked me the other day why in the world I had planned my family this way.
  “Why did you space your kids out so far?”
  
  I wasn’t really in the mood to give her the running history of my ovaries, so I just smiled and said simply, “I didn’t…”
  
  I went through a time of feeling “condemned” in my own heart for not wanting more kids right away after Ben….we decided to wait a few years and used birth control,  and then when I didn’t/ couldn’t get pregnant 4 years later, thought it was God punishing me. Or so some around me would have me believe~! And Emma serves as such a real life reminder to me that even though the choices of our past do effect our lives, they are not what determines it.
  
  THAT is ultimately in the hands of the Lord…

  He is the Redeemer. The Restorer. The beauty from ashes Bringer. And the mourning to dancing Exchanger.
  He heals our blindness and does not turn us around to see all the things perhaps we missed out on, but all the things ahead He has in store. His will is never thwarted by our selfishness, His Godship never lessened by our humanness, and His power never stifled by our disobedience. When the Bible says He works all things together for good, it really means – “all things.”
  
  When I came to a place of truly recognizing and believing His Sovereignty, so many things on my wheel of regrets that cycled round my mind were suddenly at peace.

  

  
   
  
  And speaking of His control …. I’m stopping now to let those words echo through my heart a minute.
  
  It’s easy to talk about in light of what He’s done in the past.. because those are things I KNOW. I’ve seen the outcome. But for the future. For the days ahead. Hmm.. I sense that little hesitation inside that says, “maybe this time it’ll be different…” And I wish my faith wasn’t so weak. so conditional. but it often is.
  
  I used to read the story of the Israelites roaming in the dessert and get so mad at those people…
  I mean here God would have just brought food from the sky and water from a rock. Hello? Are you really murmuring and questioning Him? But. I look at my own life and see way too often.. mm-hmm, I’d have made a pretty good Israelite!
  
  I’ve found myself the last week or so starting to have so many worries about this baby..
  and I don’t typically consider myself a worrier. Unless of course there’s something really legit to worry about. ;p
  
  I held a friends baby the other day that’s about 3 months old and when he began to fuss I sat him up on my lap to where he instantly slumped like a beanie pillow. I tried to scoot him back up, but down he slumped again. I put my hand under his chin, but even then.. it just didn’t seem right. Shayne looked across the room and stated the obvious,
  
  “Babe.. he’s not looking too comfortable there.”
  
  And inside I admit, I felt a little panicky at how awkward I felt with a tiny one in my arms! And heard the question going off in my head, “Am I going to remember how all this is done?”

   

  
  
  Or those little whispery type worries that you don’t even want to breathe an ounce of energy towards, let alone say outloud…. what.if.something.is.wrong. Will the baby be okay? Will she be healthy, “normal,” have ten finger and ten toes and her ears in the right place! And of course.. of course of course of course, I {we} will love this baby no matter what! That’s why I never take any of the testing they want to give you for all that because why would I? It doesn’t change us WANTING this precious girl. From valuing her life.
  
  But still… the thoughts come. and you wonder. and worry. and try not to, but do.
  
  It was sweet yesterday morning, I was talking to my Dad and expressing some of these things to him …
  and he said in his calm dad type voice,
  
  “Ya know, sis… wondering if your kids are okay is something that never ever goes away…”
  
  It made me smile. And does even now. To hear his reassurance. And feel a new level of understanding into his heart – because now my heart identifies like it never did before I had kids of my own!

  
  
  And then there’s just the typical getting everything ready mode -feeling the need to fluff and feather and prepare my nest… which for me means arranging and rearranging and arranging back again every single room in my house! {i’ll have to show you some of my nesting in the next post!}

  I was feeling worried too that we didn’t have enough clothes for the baby. Most of Emma’s has been given away or taken to consignment shops to sell so we could buy clothes for the other 3 growing babies we have! Shayne told me to go last week and pick up some new things that he knew would just help ease my mind and give me more of a “prepared” feeling – even if it is an illusion.

  I was thinking today how I need to get some of that special detergent to wash the baby clothes in and it struck me rather funny how when a baby is first born you want to do everything just oh, so right! Then, after a few months if the onesies happen to get thrown in with the muddy football uniform being soaked and washed in Tide with bleach, oh well! Or you can’t find the special butt paste for the diaper rash, vaseline will have to do! Or the pacifier drops on the floor – I laugh because this is so us – in the beginning you boil it every time! Then, rinse it. Then resort to simply sticking it in your own mouth to clean. Then, find yourself thinking of all the benefits a few pieces of dirt might be for their immune system!

   
       
  
  But things are getting done. The girls bed to share is up… The screws for the baby bed found… The carseat ready…
  
  And despite any fear or worry or anxiety over any of the above.. I’m so ready to hold this little one in my arms!
  
  At times it seems like I’m in one of those bad dreams where you’re trying to get dressed and you’re moving in slow-mo with 10 pound weights on your feet! You’ll just never ever get to where you’re supposed to be. OR… when you do, you’ll look down and discover you forgot some really important, crucial piece of clothing and everyone is staring~ :/
  
  Even though I don’t know when this baby is coming, or what will happen. And my heart races in excitement and fear combined.. the anticipation of it all at times almost overwhelms me. Still. I know… know when this little one decides to make her entrance that regardless of whether all the screws are in the bed just yet, the clothes are washed with the right stuff, or I’m feeling totally and completely unprepared and inadequate…. or the unthinkable, something not being “right” or going wrong….

  No-Matter-What God will meet me there. In the moment. With grace pouring down as free and plentiful as the rain outside today. He will not be surprised by any event that takes place in my life. He has planned it. Along with all the details that surround it. And I choose to purposely and deliberately grab hold of this truth and rest in that! … even if I can’t rest that great for now in my own bed.

  
   

   

  And by the way – someone text me tomorrow and remind me to get butt paste and that special baby detergent..

  
  ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
  (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber 
  
  
  
  ps. shayne has been able to be home the past few weeks and that’s been great – but leaving again for Can. this Sunday. again.. trusting those details to the One who’s already there… and thanks so much for the continued prayers. I told Shayne it would funny {though not really} if this baby ends up being like 4 wks late or something. As we get closer to the safe zone I might have to ask for ppl to let up on those prayers some.. we might never get this baby girl out!

  
  

  • 12:53 am
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