July 13, 2010

• {and so the countdown begins}
  
  
  

  30 weeks.
  
  Where have they gone?
  
  The days have passed so quickly….
  
  I planned on taking more pictures.
  Journaling more.
  Savoring more.
  Having those home projects finished.
  That wall painted.
  The baby bed up.

  
  
  
  
  Then again…
  the days have crept so slowly.
  One folding over into the other oh, so carefully and deliberate and drawn out.
  
  It seems like an eternity has passed since I stared at that little white stick in my hand with those two pink lines staring back -
  like arms lifted straight up towards heaven signifying my neediness and gratitude all at once.

  
   

  Oh, baby…
  
  Arms that have stayed stretched out to the Lord every step of this journey.
  When we thought we were losing you…
  but then there you were.
  When they told us you were gone.
  but then – no you weren’t.
  As I worried and wondered if your life would really come to full fruition -
  and felt tears at every kick and movement of reassurance within. 
  
  I look at these pictures and can’t believe that’s my baby.
  Right.there.you.are.
  
  It’s like knowing someone but never having met them.
  And loving them before you even see them.
  
  I close my eyes at times and can smell the top of your head and feel the weight of your body in my arms.

  So much a part of me. already.
  Never to be the same again.
  because of you.

   
  
  
  Such a miracle.
  Life
  Motherhood
  Love
  
  Moments of time standing still and yet spinning wildly past you all in the same glorious sweeping motion…
  coming back full circle, the end somehow becoming the beginning again.

  
   

  I pause writing this and look out the rain covered window —
  
  I started this pregnancy waiting.
  and now it seems I’ll end it the same.
  
  Yesterday at my midwives appointment she decided to go ahead and check me since I told her I’d been experiencing alot of pressure…. I don’t tend to go into labor like “normal” women and with my last two have been a bit blown away to discover I was 4 and 7 cm. dilated {though not at 30 weeks!} with having little, to no discomfort at all. But it’s why I had some question marks going off in my head this past week.
  
  The midwife’s expression looking up at me told me the answer even before she spoke.
  
  “Oh my…” she finally said. “There’s a head right there. You’re almost completely thinned out and atleast 1 cm. dilated, if not a bit more!!”
  
  I laid there and looked up at the ceiling like I had done so many other times in that office it seems.
  I knew I shouldn’t be surprised… I was kinda thinking it might be so.
  But I still couldn’t help the soft tears that spilled down the sides of my cheeks filling my ears and causing her further words to be a bit muffled…
  
  Something about going on strict bed rest. Coming back on Monday. And if I’ve dilated any more they’ll want to put me in the hospital.

  
  
  
  
  
  So. yes. full circle.
  
  The same spot on the couch.
  The same tree I look at out the window.
  The same blanket across my legs.
  The same fears and worries and what if’s.
  
  One things a bit different from the start though – -
  my husband wasn’t 800 miles away.
  I’ve felt that distance like a knife in my heart.
  I’m emotional – and so wanting him to come make it all better.
  Even though I know… 
  and have already learned the hard way the last day and half as I’ve felt disappointed and let down because of my own expectations,
  that God is the only one who can truly give me what I need~

  
  
  Still.
  
  Pause.
  
  Smile.
  
  
  That’s all I’ll say there for now.
  
  
  I would so appreciate your prayers during this time. For baby to stay put!
  I know many of you have prayed for this little one since the very first, and some even before that. 
  And pray that I would not give in to all the hundred nagging worries – but rest.
  Physically, yes. But spiritually and emotionally most.
  
  And pray… pray I won’t have this baby without my husband! {that’s the biggest one for me right now}

  

  
  Oh, baby…

  How I love you and have longed for you and can’t wait to meet you.
  But not yet. Hang out in there just a little bit longer.
  
  We’ve made it these 30 weeks together.
  I think we can do a few more.
   
  anxious for you.
  but waiting….

  and giving you over again as I’ve done every day since your life began to TheOne who gave you to us to begin with.
   
  
  

  
  ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
  (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

  • 5:30 pm
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