October 9, 2010

• {what’s really been on my heart}

  It’s been a long week.
  The kind where the days never seem to stop..
  only roll into the next with a little space of darkness and a couple of naps in between.
  
  Shayne was gone and  yeah.. I’m not gonna lie, it was rough.
  
  At first when he told me he needed to make a trip to Canada I told myself there was no need to get in a snit about it – I knew he didn’t want to be gone anymore than I wanted him to be. But he had to get back to work up there, and… {if it’s possible to whisper while typing I am} we’re moving there in November! I don’t say it too loudly because I haven’t exactly processed it all myself. The word overwhelmed comes to mind.. but I’m playing the Scarlet O’Hara role – “I’m just not going to think about that today. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” And at the moment, just wanted to get through the week without him here. Sometimes you don’t have a choice about what happens in life… though you do always have a choice on how you’ll respond. I just read a quote yesterday that said: Attitude – the difference between an ordeal and an adventure. how true!

  So, taping into that inner adventurer in me I told myself I’d be fine. I could handle it. I was tough that way… I am woman, hear me roar! ‘Cept…. within a few hours of Shayne pulling away Sunday afternoon and Ben coming and telling me the dogs had gotten out of their kennel{again}and we’d have to go chase them down… I kinda got the sense that this was only the prelude to one crazy week. And my whole inspiration of, I’m tough I can handle it roaring woman thing sorta lost it’s, um… roar.  
  
  The nights were especially hard~ Shayne has always been so great about helping with the kids. He’s not one of these guys that looks at that stuff like the mother’s responsibility. When he’s here he takes just as much responsibility, if not more. I actually tease him about making a better mom than me.
  
  I remember when I was pregnant with Kate him saying he was nervous about being a dad… he’d never been around kids much and he wasn’t sure he’d know what to do. I’ve thought of that little honest confession so many times as I’ve watched him with one of our babies, and smiled. He turned out to be a natural. Even getting up with them in the night- always. Never complaining. So sweet that way.

  
  

  With Reese, his help in the night has been imperative. She hasn’t been nursing well and I’ve been having to pump and give it to her from a bottle. I pump every two hours. She eats every three. So in the night Shayne feeds her and pretty much completely takes care of her so I can get some rest in the hour 45 minute space of time I have in between! Of course with him gone… … sleep has been even less.  
  
  And there were a few {okay 20} times or so throughout the week I was so close to picking up the phone and calling… pitching a fit and unloading and laying on a slight guilt trip. But there was something else I was feeling even more strongly than my over tired chalked full of hormone emotions. And that was GRACE. I can’t explain it.. I mean, who can really explain the work of grace? Other than saying instead of getting slammed like you deserve you get mercy sweeping down like a hurricane all around. And you feel the wind of His mercy pick you up and carry you through. Literally. Knowing every breath is simply.. grace. 
  
  And it’s in that glorious gushing of grace that you discover something even deeper than just the strength to get through each day – whether chasing dogs all over the neighborhood. the frustrations of nursing. or not. :/ racing to get to the bank before they close to deposit a check and having your van battery dead, and in the end getting the overdrafts you were trying to avoid. or sitting by yourself in a cardiologist’s office waiting to see the doctor…yes, grace not only gets you through but also causes you to be able to SEE GOD IN IT ALL. Realizing it’s the hard of life that shows us just how big the holes in our heart truly are. And just how capable He is of filling those holes, and providing all we need…
  
  How easy it is to carry our little bottomless cup of needs to others before Him.
  
  To run to those counterfeit wells we think will quench our thirst – - whether girlfriends. or money. or shopping. or our image. seeking others approval. praise. putting confidence in our intellect. our spirituality. running to our parents. our family. even our kids. and the one that hit me this week – our husband!! There are so many things, and not even necessarily “bad” things, that we can look to fill us up other than Jesus Christ. But what they offer isn’t lasting. There is Only One whose well can provide us water where we’ll never thirst again. Every other “thirst quencher” is only temporary!

  

  
  
  But it’s so “convenient”:) to run to my husband and look to him ahead of looking to the Lord – he is one of the kindest people I know and has such a genuine servants heart. He likes doing things for me. He’s geared that way… and I’ll stop right here for a minute and stick in a disclaimer – I’ve been “accused” in the past of coming across like I have the perfect marriage. Let me put that illusion to rest. It’s far from it. I don’t have a problem in the world being honest about our struggles. We’ve made it just like everyone else – by God’s grace. Yes.. I use that word alot in my life cause that’s what it’s all about! But I do feel blessed with the man I have. He’s a good one. And just because I choose to share some of that good on here from time to time instead of always hanging out the ugly, doesn’t mean the ugly’s not there. But.. if people choose to take the single snapshots of our life I share here to judge my motives and draw conclusions then oh, well. I KNOW what we are.. and what we are not. At the end of the day that’s all that matters. Others opinions are just that – their opinions. They don’t have to dictate our lives, unless we let them. 

  hmm.. didn’t really plan on saying all that but felt like that’s hindered me some in the past few months from saying much about my marriage- and I don’t want it to hinder me anymore.  The thing I was getting at before I went off on that rabbit trial was there’s nothing wrong with our husbands meeting our needs and being sensitive and taking care of us.. I think it should be that way. They have strengths to balance our weaknesses and vice-versa. It’s part of the oil that makes the wheel of marriage turn and work.  But I think there’s a trap we as women, ME as a woman, can fall into and that’s making an idol out of our husbands and relying on him to constantly rescue us and be a “savior” of sorts in our lives in place of the Real One. I don’t know about you but I like the tangible.. arms I can feel around me, audible words I can hear. It easier to turn to someone in skin rather than trusting Christ~  

  I’m sure there’s those reading this going, “well.. I don’t have to worry about that. My husband is a far cry from any kind of “savior” in my life…” But whether he is or isn’t, I think the underlying point is still the same because it’s about the EXPECTATION we place on him. Whether spoken or only secretly wished for.  And not only is there no human able to fill the voids in our life like we desire, we do a huge disservice to our marriage by placing this kind of expectation upon our husbands. Even the sweetest, kindest, most godly ones buckle under that kind of pressure. Because even if they meet your needs the majority of the time they will never be able to meet your needs all the time. Even when they get it right.. even then… does that truly bring the deep hearted peace we long for ? Does that really take away the insecurities and fear and discontentment?
  

  And we all know the answer. But somehow… somehow we still find ourselves running to the counterfeits of fulfillment over The True Fulfiller of our souls.

  And I’m not sure it’s even always a deliberate choice – sometimes I simply act before thinking. Ever do that? Something comes along that knocks my stuff.. I freeze up and seem to forget all these kind of posts I write and suddenly looking to Jesus and allowing Him to satisfy is the last thing on my mind. I find myself running, and I mean fast and hard, to that nearest source to fill my pathetic empty cup. And yeah, that’s often my husband. It seems only afterwards, usually when the temporary fix has worn off, do I stop and go, “duh, girl! when will you ever learn?”

  Not sure I ever will learn it. Not completely. Probably only re-learn over and over again… but hopefully each time it’ll take a little deeper root. I want it to. Want the truth to be reality in my life. Merely writing about it doesn’t make it so… words are not reality – actions are. And actions are born in the quietness of my own heart where the things I choose to believe and allow to incubate there will, and do, eventually come out. So it’s not about trying harder, it’s about letting Him transform my heart. That’s where it all begins-
  

  

  
  
  I was thinking when I was writing some of this too that’s it’s not about becoming some pseudo spiritual person from her lofty self righteous platform that looks down on others with a, “I only need Jesus,” kind of attitude. Especially towards her husband – ever know wives like that? Kinda not attractive is it? No. God made us like this. It’s okay to need others. To need our husband. I’m glad I do. I don’t ever want to be that hard harded. That arrogant. That dishonest to not be able to admit my neediness. It’s what God often uses to reveal just how sufficient He truly is. So being needy isn’t the issue… it’s what I do with that neediness. Ultimately, who it is I find myself carrying my cup to- expecting them to fill it up.

  “But whoever drinks of the water that I give will never be thirsty again. The water that I give will become in you a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” jn. 4:14

  Well, that’s what’s been going on in my heart spiritually this week… but now, physically.

  I went in on Wednesday.. which I have to say, walking through the doors of that office I was immediately looking at two couples that couldn’t have been younger than 80. They stared at me from head to toe with a mixture of interest like, “I’m bored sitting in this waiting room with no good magazines to read and what in the world is a whipper snapper like that doing here?”  I sorta felt I was invading their territory or something. One lady was talking, not in her inside voice about how she needed a new cane. Lifting the one she had high up in the air to show the lady next to her the “uneven rubber bottom.” After I got my paper work and began filling it out, I admit I was feeling as strange as the stares from across the room and suddenly more nervous than I had been- wondering if I was really at that point in life where I was going to start having health problems. Good health is a blessing at any age, I get that.. but there’s still that standard way of thinking that you’re “guaranteed” so many years of problem free living before the inevitable sets in. 

  Finally it was my turn. And I felt the squinty eyes from my four waiting room companions follow me as I walked back through the door being held open by the nurse. I had to get on a scale! Which I wasn’t planning on doing for another month {or 12}. I told myself I wasn’t going to look, I really didn’t want to know. But when the nurse called out the weight as if she were calling out a bingo number I didn’t have a choice. I always wonder why the first thing they make you do at the doctor’s office is weigh in~ I mean it’s not like we’re needing to qualify for anything! The exam room was dimly lit with soft music piped through. They seem to try to create these spa like environments now in medical places. As if you could actually relax to the same degree you would if you were about to have a massage? My doctor was Dr. Sing. While waiting for him to come in I imagined how cool it would have been for him to go into something in the musical field vs. medicine. With a last name like Sing how could you not? As soon as he entered though, a short little Indian man… I saw the life I pictured for him of a top of the charts rock star could never be! But he was very nice and I liked him. I always ask tons of questions and he was patient to answer them, and talk in terms I understood. I hate when doctors talk in all this big medical jargon and then look at you like you’re supposed to know what they mean. I feel like saying, “excuse me. I have my medical dictionary right here in my purse.. let me just pull that out and look up what ventricular actually means…”

  But in very simple, without looking anything up terms, Dr. Sing said that I had what is called a PVC of the heart. Which means it doesn’t beat normally, but doesn’t necessarily mean it’s abnormal either. Many very healthy people have these. However, there is a PVC that can be more serious. So they want to hook me up to a heart monitor for 48 hrs. to see if it’s the normal or abnormal PVC’s I have. They wanted to set me up right then.. but the thought of one more thing to deal with this week made me cave a bit inside. I began this somewhat frantic fluster of trying to explain to him that my husband was gone, my dogs kept getting out, I was having to pump, my cell phone died on the way there, and I homeschooled my kids… Dr. Sing finally interrupted me with a smile, that I know was really a laugh wanting to come out. He said it was fine {relax you crazy spastic lady!} and that I could simply come in next week and get the heart monitor.  

  The one thing he did say that was more of  concern to him was that the sonogram they took in the hospital showed the right side of my heart was enlarged. He told me for now he wasn’t going to do another read of it, because sometimes in pregnancy the vital organs all get pushed and pressured and that could happen.. so he wants to wait another month and then see what it looks like. I asked if that was like the PVC’s – normal and abnormal. He shook his head emphatically and said, “No.no.no. An enlarged heart is never normal!”  I thought about making a joke about the Bible verse that says something about an enlarged heart – -but decided not to – and later realized it’s not an enlarged heart, it’s enlarged steps. So.. it wouldn’t have even applied.

  I guess basically there aren’t any answers yet. I feel pretty confident from his response that the PVC stuff won’t be an issue. And with the other.. there’s nothing to do for it at the moment anyway. So… more waiting.

  Seems like there’s many things in my life right now where God is saying rather clearly – TRUST ME!

  I admit that makes my heart doing a abnormal palpitation right there.. but then, when I look back at other times where I’ve wondered and worried and waited on Him - He’s always been faithful. And I feel my heart steady again and take a deep calming breath in~ knowing this time will be no different.

   

   

  thank you so much for your prayers and sweet words. i don’t take any of that lightly.. i really don’t.

   
  ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
  (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber
  

  
  

  • 7:45 am
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