September 26, 2010

• {andthentherewere4}
  
  Shayne and the kids are gone to church.
  It feels weird to be alone after a week filled with commotion and energy and excitement.
  Reese is laying next to me on the couch.
  Every time I look over at her I stare longer than I intend.
  To think – this time last week she was still inside me!
  
  And now.
  THERE.she.is! amazing
  
  I went to see the musical production of Wizard of Oz last night with Kate and Ben.
  They’ve been talking about it for weeks and I had told them we’d just have to wait and see how things went…
  they never mentioned it again, but as it got closer I could see them anxiously studying me – trying to assess if I’d feel up to it or not.
  And even though I really didn’t, I went ahead and took them.
  Cause that’s what we do as mom’s isn’t it.
   
  I love seeing my kids happy and yeah, I can’t give them all they want – but I can give them what I can.
  Tickets and time at a musical isn’t that much to ask really. They’re great kids!
  They’ve been incredible since Reese was born – -
  helping out. asking if I need anything. sitting to chat. making me laugh.
  
  
  
   
  
  They both seem so much older to me now with a newborn.
  Sometimes when they’re talking about those things of great importance in their lives right now, like…
  the most amazing football play from the latest game. or all the ways unlimited texting would be a benefit.
  I sit and listen entranced with the thoughts of, “who are you and what have you done with my baby?”
  My baby Kate and baby Ben that looked just like my baby Reese only 5 seconds ago.
  You hear over and over how fast the time goes but you never believe it. not really.
  Not until you find yourself in that defining minute yourself and suddenly are shocked that all those people were actually right!
  
  But.
  despite all the good and grateful I’ve been feeling I knew.. ..
  knew there would be that one initiating moment that was going to happen~
  probably when I least expected it and around the silliest of circumstances,
  of introducing the selfishness of my heart to the reality of life with 4.
  Because as much as I love my kids the ugly truth is I love me too.  
  I try to keep that part hidden as much as possible. but.there.are.those.days.
  Days it comes spilling out no matter how hard you try to keep it stuffed in.
  
  It happened Friday afternoon…
  
  Shayne was gone. I was on the couch trying to feed Reese {which is not as simple as that sentence makes it sound. i won’t divulge details. poop is one thing.;) let’s just say – i’ll never win the nursing woman of the year award!} Emma was beside me excitedly asking what her next assignment in school was. Ben and Kate were being ruckusy in the next room and I called for them to calm down. A second later Ben emerges soak n wet saying Kate just poured water on his head because she was annoyed with him. Kate emerges to share her side of the story. I’m holding baby in one arm. A school book in the other. Trying to catch the blanket that’s across me with my chin to keep it from falling off as they start their whole, “he did. she did. did not. did so” routine – - while Emma tap tap tapped on my right arm with her impatience -and Reese gnaw gnaw gnawed with her lion like chops. that’s when I felt the tears. and that distant dreaded voice in my head,“I don’t think I can do this!”
  
  A voice I’ve heard often enough in my days of mommying…
  but somehow. this time it was different because… well, it is different.
  This is a new phase. A new chapter.
  Now there are 4.
  And though 4 isn’t 12, it’s more than 3.
  And that’s twice as many hands as I have!
  Honestly. no matter what the number- more is more.
  
  So I sat there. and thought of all the ways I was supposed to respond.
  What I should say. or more importantly, what I should not.
  I had words like grace and peace and calm and patience pass through my head… 
  but, when my mouth opened I don’t think any of those are what came out!
  {we shouldn’t judge kate gosselin too harshly.. i think we all have a bit of her in us somewhere}
  I sent everyone outside {‘cept reese} and sat there like the big cottage cheese lumpy person I’m feeling and waited for the tears to come.
  Funny. they never did. I felt them. Wanted to cry them. But instead I just sat.
  I would like to say I prayed. thought of a verse. or some inspirational somethings to motivate me.
  but nope. just sat. closed my eyes. and soaked in the quietness.
  
  And though I don’t always feel it in those moments, I know God is there.
  Because His being there isn’t conditioned upon me conjuring up the spiritual warm fuzzies I’m supposed to.
  His being there isn’t relying on a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g I DO whatsoever.
  Even if I don’t want Him there, still, He is.
  Because that’s what He does. and more than that – what He’s promised.
  And somewhere among all the emotions and hormones and selfishness I hear that questioning voice in my head answered with -
  “You’ll do with 4 the same that you’ve done with 3 – DEPEND ON ME.”
  
  And I’m not going to be all Pollyanna-ish and say I was a chilled out mom the rest of the day.
  I brought the kids back in. Asked their forgiveness for my spew and we all went back to what we were doing before…
  which yeah, some of which was bickering from the other room.
  the pestering tap of a anxious kindergartner.
  and trying to not go nuts from nursing.
  There’s going to be days that are just like that…
   
  Ones where nothing goes as you planned.
  Ones where you can’t seem to get with it no matter how much you try or pray or scream or sleep.
  Ones you’re glad to see come to a close.
  But Ones that you look back on as you lay your pillow on your head – {when i re read this i caught my typo.. but then i thought.. ha! sometimes ya do kinda want to put your pillow on your head don’t you?? block out the world} But even then.. pillow on your head or head on your pillow…  as you look back over even one of those days you can see God’s fingerprints of faithfulness all over it! And I’m reminded again that these kiddos probably aren’t going to turn out because of me, but more than likely, in spite of me.  
  
  andthentherewere4.
  and He is just as Faithful.
  
   
   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
       
  
  
           
  
  I told Kate when she was taking pictures of Ben and I to get my skinny side..
  to which she said, “it’s your cheeks that look too fat, mom. try making your face look less puffy or something….”
  
  “You mean like this….”
  
   
  
  Ben said, “no, it’s not her face it’s her hair. make it flatter, mom…”
  
  “Oh, okay. Like this…”
  
   
  
  uh-huh! that’s better.. no one will notice my puffiness now!
  
  Ben also said I could try squeezing my thighs in on the side –
  “like I used to squeeze my butt before getting a spanking…”
  But I’m not secure enough to post those shots.
  maybe a few more thigh squeezes first.
  
  haha! when it’s all said and done ya gotta just laugh at yourself don’t you…
  it’s a whole lot more therapeutic than not, that’s for sure.
  
  
  
  
  I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart.. for your love and your faithfulness…
  When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.…
  May we sing of the ways of the LORD, for the glory of the LORD is great…
  Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly…
  Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life…
  The LORD will fulfill [his purpose] for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever…. ps. 138
  
  
  
  whatever it is you’re facing in your life right now remember God is there! in the moment with you.
  
  and He’s sufficient.
  
  
  
  ¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
  (¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber  
  
  
  

  • 4:53 pm
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