{playing for the critics}

Ben’s team made it to the “Super Bowl” in his division.

The game is tomorrow.

I’m so excited for him. So is he.
and nervous too..

We’ve talked about it lots this week – and lots before that too,
like – ‘IF we win the playoffs….” “IF we make it to the championship….”
So it’s been fun to see those “if’s” become reality for him.

We’ve been praying about it too..
I liked his prayer the other night where he said,
“God. I don’t know if you’re interested in things like football…
but it would sure be nice if we could win.”

Yeah, I don’t know if God is interested in football either –
but I know he’s interested in US! 
in our lives.
in our hearts.
in what’s taking place there…

I love watching Ben play sports.
Football. Basketball.
those are the two he does.
Funny – when I’m watching either of those at any other setting..
I’m usually bored out of my mind –
I have a short attention span.
But if it’s my boy playing I’m so THERE!
Into every play.
Wanting to know every call.
Constantly looking for Ben. {football is much harder to pick him out – they all look the same out there!}

But as much as I “get into it” when I’m there..
I don’t ever give a game any thought before hand.

HOWEVER- this game on Saturday.. tomorrow. “The big one…”
I’ve been thinking of alot.

Maybe from all the extra talk about it around our house..
or the extra long practices this week.
But my thoughts are more than what they usually would be for a game –
which is simply for Ben to do his best. have fun.
I’ll be honest… I find myself really.really. {really.really.really}
wanting him to WIN!

And before you think I’m one of those crazy insane sports Mom..
{although I am planning on spraying my hair green for the game!}
You have to understand the team he is playing against.

They’ve never been beat.
They are the Yankees of Ohio Youth Football,
winning the championship like 5 years in a row!!
{c’mon boys.. time to share a little!}

Their players have names like -
Cody “The Crusher” Perry
Zach “The Terminator” Davis
and Jake “King Kong” Barett.

The fans are equally as scary looking with their faces painted blue and gold -
I always feel like I’m at a reenactment of Braveheart each time we play them..
and they’re as equally scary sounding -
don’t get me wrong, I can holler with the best of em~
but I’ve never heard grown adult men and women SCREAM like that.
And that’s not mentioning the cow bells and sirens they ding and ring and let off..
making you think the local fire station is on parade!

Our fans are much more laid back in their support~

But all the scariness of the other team aside –
when one of their coaches wives told our coach,
“Your boys don’t stand a chance against our boys…”
… and the coach passed that on to the team…
which trickled back to us parents –
yeah… uh-huh…. THEM’S FIGHTIN WORDS!!

Amazing! what someone’s words will do. How their attitude can effect you…

and I found myself AnNOyEd at what that woman had said.

Suddenly, I didn’t just want Ben to win simply for the joy of winning.
Suddenly, it was about winning against THAT team!

It was no longer the satisfaction of seeing all the hard work and effort pay off …
It was the satisfaction of seeing the team that thinks they can’t lose – lose.

PROVING THEM WRONG.

hmmm… I see some smiles breaking out as you begin to know where I’m going with this…
the sports arena is full of spiritual insights, and I found myself mulling over some old {and not so old} struggles this week.

Ever felt like you were motivated to do what you do to prove something to someone… ?

Those who’ve judged and criticized. Who’ve said,
you can’t …
or you should …
or why do you …

I remember a lady in my church coming to me once and telling me she knew I was having a hard time with my kids during the service..
“I can tell by the way you look down the pew at them that you’re irritated with how they’re acting.”
After doing a quick birds eye view in my mind of where this woman sat in church and where I did..
and how in the world she could even see that much detail from where she was,
and why she wasn’t paying attention to the sermon instead of watching me..
I kinda blurted out a confused, dumbfounded, “WHAT?”

I should have went on to say,
“Irritated? trust me lady.. I can show you irritated!”

Instead I shook my head and mumbled something insincere like,
“Thanks for sharing that….?”

With some people it’s not even worth your time to try to explain –
It has nothing whatsoever to do with any kind of love or concern for your life.
They are there for one purpose – to critique. And they do it well.
Those are the ones I’ve found it best to simply grin and move on.

And though that’s exactly what I did with this lady, guess what…
next time at church I found myself wanting to smile EXTRA big down the pew at my kids…
to pat Ben on the head affectionately..
and attempt to laugh off the loud scratch.scratch.scratch. from Emma’s crayons on her pad of paper.

I was PERFORMING to PROVE my critic wrong.

And that’s not only a bad way to live…
it’s an exhausting one too.

Wanting your life to resemble some form of success only so those who said, ‘you couldn’t'…
might, even in a teeny tiny way, come to change their mind. {possibly}

But people who have a critical spirit are never satisfied…
that’s why it’s so exhausting to try to please them –
just when you think you’ve proven one area they’ll turn on another.

“LIVE FOR AN AUDIENCE OF ONE” is one of my favorite all time quotes.

But even if that is the sincerest desire of your heart, still it can be a battle.
It’s like the groupies at concerts that they hold back with those metal gate barricade things -
you always seem to have that “group” that’s there shouting at you…
or worse, the ones who stand in the background – observing. {hate that}

And no matter how much you tell yourself others opinions don’t matter…
this person is just off their rocker..
and your security is deeply grounded in Christ so none of it shakes you.
regardless. bottom line. it hurts.

And the answer isn’t always as easy as “living for an audience of One..”
even getting a t-shirt made with the slogan, and a license plate to match –
I mean, it is.. but it isn’t.

some things don’t seem to have a quick 1-2-3 it’s fixed if you do this and poof! all better.

Life can’t always be sliced, diced, and served up in pretty little bowls that way.

I think of Ben’s game tomorrow, and I’m reminded with as much as I want him to win -
especially against THAT team.
I know that winning isn’t everything.
it’s nice. sure.
But it’s temporary.
It doesn’t produce a lasting peace and contentment and fulfillment.
Because there will always be one.more.game.
One more opponent..
another challenge..
another snitty remark from someone ..
another critic.

And if I live my life trying to prove someone or something wrong
I’ll end up one of two ways, if not both:

1). bitter because I can’t
2). phony from trying to 

No. I think the real victory is realizing I’m not here to PROVE anything.
My entire Christian walk and the type of  “performance” I give is tied in so much to understanding that truth more and more.

And our lives must be built upon truth. Take away truth and you’re left with only emotion.
And a life built on emotion is unstable. wishy washy. and easily swayed by others opinions and views.

“Study {focus on. be diligent} to show yourself approved unto GOD…” 2Tim.2:15

There will always be those people in our lives who leave that little nagging desire in us to want to prove ourselves~

tomorrow as we spray our hair green..
carry our homemade banners..
and try to make our cheers for our little determined football team louder than that of the ferocious, “you can’t beat us” opponents ..

I think they’ll be a point somewhere in there…
in the middle of all those cow bells ringing, and the nervous excited hearts pounding,
where I’ll stop and smile towards the sky -
soaking in a sigh of relief for just one second -
glad {so very much} that there is One who’s approval I never have to earn or work for.
His love is eternal and His acceptance unconditional…

There will be many things I’ll win and lose at in this game of life -
and let the critics think and say what they will.
It’s not about knowing or trying to prove anything to them~
but knowing because of Jesus,
I don’t have to.

GO BULLDOGS!!!!

amber.    

Thanks to all who gave their opinion and fashion tips on what outfit I should wear for our family pictures…

I ended up going choice#1 with wide blue belt and heels.

At the last minute I decided to wear a different skirt.
which I’d found for 2 bucks,
which I thought was a wonderful deal,
which I thought was adorable.

But, you know how they say, ” always go with your first instinct.”
yeah.. I’m kinda feeling that as I look through the shots –

We’ve got browns and blues. browns and blues. browns and blues.
then suddenly…
Hello Bright Purple Skirt!!

Here’s a few of just the girls and I being silly..
waiting for the boys to come over,
who kept running to the van to listen to the Bengals game. :/

{Okay, I admit it.. I’m a hypocrite!}


Year after year I rant and rave how un-traditional,
even un-American it is that we seem to go straight from Halloween to Christmas.

{A Photo Journey}

————— background

D.C. is a place I’d never been – but had always wanted to… 

Being married to a Canadian it’s not exactly high on the vacation destinations list.
Not that we have one. But, well, if we did…
it wouldn’t be!

Kat is a xanga friend I’d never met – but had always wanted to…

Being married to a Can.. er, uh.. my husband, he thinks it’s a little “weird” I’d want to meet total strangers..
but with each one I do – discovering they’re actually REAL and even nicer in person –
he’s starting to come around to the idea!

So several weeks back when Kat called and invited me to come for a visit,
I was excited and a little {no alot} blown away by her generosity to fly me out.

[and this is my favorite picture i took of her while there]

————— introspect


Going away on that particular weekend seemed especially needed.
It had been a rough week and half leading up to it
and I felt the timing was such a God thing – like He’s so good at doing.


————— the trip, day one

I kept feeling that morning when I left that I’d forgotten something…
don’t ya hate that?

All the way to the airport I was going over it in my mind.

toothbrush – check
socks – check
clean underwear- check
boarding pass – check

As soon as the plane was airborne and I took my camera out to snap a few pictures I realized –

memory card – no check

Good thing I was going to visit a photographer…
 

So I sat back, took mental pictures of the earth below quickly fading into a monopoly board,
and the wonderful fall colors on the trees that resembled very much an old patch work quilt my grandma has on her bed..

[a kat photo]

standing there looking up at this larger than life, all consuming monument I couldn’t help but to wonder what he would think about it all _ thousands of people flocking to stare at an image carved in stone…

I’m sure his greatness far exceeded his expectation. If he had an expectation – I think he simply lived his life. did the next thing. was concerned for the well being of others. and acted upon what he felt was right.

amber.

{A Story About Comfort}


just read this on a friends blog and was really blessed by what she shared.
thought you might be too…

here’s a taste of it –


“There will be another bump in our road – or maybe the road will give way altogether but we are racking up some stories with Jesus! And I can hold my head high even when my heart faileth and say, “I HAVE BEEN HERE WITH YOU BEFORE, SWEET LORD.”

“You are the marriage Maker, the confidence Builder, the scared Mom Soother, the little child Protector, the economy Overcomer, the shaky job Sustainer, the Daddy Encourager, the tear Collector, the home PROVIDER,

indwelling, abiding, encouraging, comforting, singing songs over me, mighty to save and save and save again.

And I’ve got the stories to prove it.

I love you, O God, my Father, my faithful Friend for all this and for all that is to come.”





link over to read the rest. [the link is in the title] and take a little time to scroll her blog~
she’s a great writer – humorous, real, super sweet spirit.

It was thirteen years ago today, on a Friday, at just about 6 something in the evening my name forever changed…

and along with it~ my life.

What a life it’s been!

Certainly far from perfect~
but one I wouldn’t trade for anything in this world.

Here’s some things I’ve learned along the way..
grow more grateful for everyday..
and just plain downright love.

– :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: —- :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: –

13 Things I love about my Husband~

1. his humor
2. his practicality
3. his easy going manner
4. his positive outlook
5. his hands
6. his touch
7. his smell
8. his kindness
9. his prayers
10. his smartness
11. his fathering
12. his friendship
13. his tenderness

– :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: —- :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: –

13 Things I Love About My Marriage~

1. raising a family together
2. learning together
3. hanging out together
4. being silent together
5. praying together
6. making love together
7. figuring life out together
8. being ourselves together
9. laughing together
10. looking to God together
11. growing up together
12. growing old together
13. all the togetherness of it.

– :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: —- :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: –

13 Things I’ve Learned About Marriage from My Marriage~

1. That I don’t know as much as I thought I knew about marriage before I was married.
2. That men aren’t women and we shouldn’t expect them to act like one.
3. That, “I was wrong. Will you forgive me?” holds some powerful healing.
4. That there is absolutely no room for selfishness in a marriage.
5. That the instant I begin to think of “me first” is the instant my marriage begins to weaken -  I guess Proverbs 13 :10 is right!
6. That communicating is vital.
7. That communicating does not mean I do all the talking.
8. That the times it seems we’re from different planets are the times to remember every planet is needed!
9. That kissing and often does wonders.
10. That we need to nurture our friendship as well as our love.
11. That praise is crucial.
12. That our marriage is worth the fight.
13. That it’s a fight we cannot fight alone –
                                                             that we so need Christ!. 

– :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: —- :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: – 

 

 

 
    
 

– :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: —- :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: — :: –

 

Shayne is preaching at our church today.. which I can’t remember the last time he did. But it seems fitting that it’s today, of all days that he does. Brings back so many memories of those first months of marriage… sitting in a little senior center building in Northern Ontario… surrounded by a congregation that probably thought I was as strange and different as I thought they were. There were times of loneliness and homesickness and tears during those days… but somehow I really didn’t mind. There in the first row, 2nd chair in.. week after week.. I was reminded over and over why I had said “yes.” Moved 900 miles from family and country and everything I had ever known.. it was all for the guy up front!

And though these thirteen years have held things I never would have expected or chosen… one things for certain…

I’d do it all again! In a heartbeat.

  

 

amber.  

{help?}


We’re supposed to be taking our family (Christmas card) pics tomorrow evening or Thursday.. depending on rain. :/

I was wanting to do navy and browns, with maybe a shot of purple here and there-?

The purple idea is only because I have a cute belt I love…
and Kate has some fun purple shoes.
But we’ll see about the purple, I don’t know…
 
I think I have everyone else’s outfits together~

 

Is that totally weird I lay them all out…..

 






But trying to pull something together for myself tonight left me frustrated!!

I concluded, “I need a girls advice…” {my husband wasn’t any help – he liked them all}

So…. what’s your opinion?



Choice One:
{purple shirt. beige sweater – which I’ll iron. navy skirt
-and very bad lighting in my room}

  

Choice Two:
{the shirt is more of a taupe.. which I’m not sure blends w/ the browns?
I have a cream shrug I could wear over.. also have the same belt in purple…
gotta love Forever21 – only $3.50}



Choice Three:
{cream shirt. tan jacket. purple flower belt}




And boots or heels?




Thanks to my little photog Kate who took the shots for me~

*edit.{1:30 p.m.} looks like thephotos will be tomorrow instead..
kinda yuck wet weather today from a hard rain last night.
hoping for sunny sunshine tomorrow!
AND.. gives me more time to work on an outfit.
thanks for the help – I’ve gotten some ideas.*

{A bumpy ride}


It had been One.Of.Those.Days.


I got home yesterday afternoon after being gone over the weekend,
so this morning was back to reality in it’s fullest…

a little girl who wet the bed and had to be in the tub at o’dark something.
school projects that couldn’t be found -
only to find I’d thrown away the school project!!!
oopps.
(common occurrence around here…
my husband jokes if he sat still long enough I’d throw him away)
kids rooms that looked like mom hadn’t been here all weekend.
with dishes and laundry to match.
with quarrely kids to match.
with stuffy nose/ sick with cold mom to match..
equaling crankiness all around!

In the afternoon we set out for music lessons.
Running late.. but, of course!
Couldn’t be music lessons if we weren’t late.
(I think the teacher tells me the lessons are a half hour earlier than they are –
because she never acts overly bothered….
we’re probably getting there right on time!!)

The way there is through farm country.
Very narrow roads without any shoulder on the side.

Ben and Emma had been fussing at each other…
and I was trying to give my “treat others as you want to be treated” speech.
I turned around to make eye contact with Ben to drive home a point,
when Kate said all too calmly, in her Kate kind of voice…

“Uh… MOM!”

I looked up to see a mailbox directly in front of me…
and before I had time to figure out why in the world a mailbox was in the middle of the road,
I slammed into it and watched it fly straight up in the air!

About the time it sunk in that the mailbox was not in the middle of the road,
but rather WE WERE OFF IT!
I hit another and saw it go flying also…

I tried pulling the van back up, but it was muddy
and our right side was down pretty deep in the ditch….

I think it fully sunk in on me what was happening
when I saw the next thing we would hit would be
a telephone pole…

I jerked the wheel up hard.

….we came back on the road swerving from side to side.
I could hear the sound of brakes squealing from somewhere off in the distance it seemed.

All I could think was …

“What are you supposed to do when you’re sliding on ice?”

Guess I thought sliding on pavement factored in that category too..

I was pretty sure the van was going to flip.

After what seemed like a terribly long, long pause
of waiting and wondering what was going to happen next –
suddenly we stopped.
Sideways, and on the other side of the road…
with burnt rubber behind us,
and smoke coming out of the engine in front.

I turned the wheel and got back on the right side…
immediately hearing a thump.thump.thump.
and knowing the tire was flat.

I pulled in the nearest driveway and got out.
The damage was worse than I thought.
And when I looked back up the road at the tire tracks
off the road with the trail of mud and rubber marks that
followed back up on the road…
 
I think only then did my heart start racing fast and tears instantly rise to my eyes at the realization of how bad it could have been.

The lady at the house we pulled into had been mowing her lawn…
she quickly came over asking if we were alright.
She was a sweet grandmotherly type too.
Exactly the comfort I needed at that moment.

She kept saying…

“Are you sure you’re okay honey. You look awfully pale…
come sit down on my porch.. do you have a husband to call?
You want a soda? I think you need a soda. Kids, you want a soda?
Come on up… sit down… let me get you something cold to drink….”

Her name was Sharon. And I want to take her back a gift for her kindness~

Shayne got there eventually.
The van had to be towed.

We piled in his truck to head home…
stopping at the houses whose mailboxes I’d taken out –
to explain what had happened and let them know we’d be
replacing them….

As Shayne was talking to the man at the first house I looked on
either side of the drive and saw my tire tracks through the yard….

Two things came to mind -

a). Life is about people. precious eternal souls….

And that’s pretty much it.

All this other stuff…

nice homes filled with nice things.
school projects.
things that break
get ruined and wrecked…

none of it matters.

none of it.

And 2). Life is about perspective….

not sitting thinking and wondering…

“Why us, God? Why did you let this happen…?”

Instead.. seeing those tire marks within inches of that telephone pole and concluding – -

“Wow! Thank you God … you were with us. You protected us. You kept us.”

How many times in life do we not even know of the “telephone poles” He’s kept us from crashing into!!!

Perspective.

“Why me?” or “Wow God!”

I still feel my heart begin to pump faster as it all flashes back in my mind…
you always live with the “what if’s?” for awhile after something like that.

I’ve never had any kind of car accident in my life – - so just everything considered…
was pretty shaken about it. I think I’m feeling guilty too…
Was I driving too fast?
Not paying attention?
I shouldn’t have turned around to look at Ben!
I should have been more on time for lessons!

just some emotions I’m sure I’ll process in the next few days…

Still – - ultimately though just completely, utterly, undoubtedly so grateful
for His protection.. the gentle reminders of the eternal..
self pity versus seeing God in everything…
the gift of my children… of my husband..
of the lady on the lawn mower.

we truly are in His hands.

I trust in you, O Lord;
I say, ‘You are my God.’
My times are in your hand. Psalm 31:14,15.

——-

After we had pulled over to the driveway
I got out and opened the side door for Emma.

She stood up from her seat and sorta peered out
looking back and forth
with a rather cautious look on her face…

I suppose when she assessed all was now safe she jumped down
with her usual energy and looked up at me with a huge grin…


“Whoa mommy… Dat was wheelly a bumpy wide…..!!”

“It sure was a bumpy ride, baby.”

I smiled.

then sighed.



Glad tomorrow is a new day!!
 




amber.

{Growing Up}


A few days ago on the 10th
my Kate turned 12!

mom

We were headed to church this morning~
listening to a cd of  praise&worship songs when,
“It Is Well With My Soul” came on.

~ “9.And they sung a new song, saying… for thou wast slain, and hast redeemed us to God by thy blood out of every kindred, and tongue, and people, and nation;  10. And hast made us unto our God kings and priests: and we shall reign on the earth.11. And I heard the voice of many angels round about the throne.. and the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands; 12. Saying with a loud voice, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honor, and glory, and blessing. 13. And every creature which is in heaven, and on earth, and under the earth, and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, heard I saying, Blessing and honor, and glory and power, be unto Him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb forever and ever. 14. And the four beasts said, Amen. And the four and twenty elders fell down and worshipped Him that liveth forever and ever.”  {Rev. 5: 9~14}


And don’t ever think you’re singing all alone in your own little corner of the world somewhere~