{Life is not a snapshot}

Xanga has been a good learning tool for me, on so many fronts…
I never would have guessed that through blogging I would discover more about myself.
Places in my heart that still need so much work.
Places I thought were healed.
Were fine.
Were dealt with and closed tight with a nice little bow and tag on the side that reads,
“This area of construction complete.”

But with the return of my “bb gun stalker” … and no I’ve never talked about this publicly on my site …
{some of you will remember this from several years ago when it first occurred}
I’ve seen that this area is not quite finished, and God had some further building to do.

Especially coming on the tail of other criticisms from blogging “strangers” I’ve dealt with the past year and half.

Caring what people thought of me was something I felt that I had under control.
Growing up in a pastor’s home I was used to people watching my life in a fish bowl…
and always having opinions on which way I should be swimming.

Although as I’ve discovered..
those who like to stand outside others bowls and tell them they’re swimming in the wrong direction are not just confined to pastor’s families.
Sadly, I think it’s just life.
And more sad still – Christians.
It really has become a disease among our churches…
pulling out the microscopes instead of the mirrors!

I think it’s important to remember with everyone’s life that we don’t see the whole picture.
Which is exactly what happened with this “stalker” person several years back.
It’s easy to draw wrong conclusions when we’re not operating on all the facts.

I remember thinking how controlling one particular friend of mine seemed with her kids.
But then when I heard her story of growing up in a home of abuse. betrayal. and just pure wickedness…
It made more sense.

I love what Sandra Bullock said in her acceptance speech at the Oscars,
thanking her mom for “not letting me ride in cars with boys until I was 18…
because I would have done what you said I was going to do.”

Yes. Later in life we discover our parents knew a thing or two..
and often their protection is born out of their own experiences.

But that’s just it.
We don’t always know the history with people..
the stories behind what makes them who they are.
And our observations are not always as accurate as we think they are.

Beyond genuinely knowing someone –
Bottom line, we can’t see into others hearts.
And it’s pretty bold to go presuming we can.

I know this though, and I’m often reminding my kids…
there is what is called, “The fruits of the Spirit.”
EVIDENCES of whether or not our actions and words are being controlled by the Spirit.

So, when I see those who are gossipy.. whisperers.. accusers.. and “presumers..”
I don’t exactly see that behavior lining up with the things that are supposed to mark us as a child of God.

And trust me.. I’m not just talking about behavior that’s contrary to the fruit of the Spirit from an observers stand point.
No. I know the behavior all too well because I live it all too often.
That’s just it. This isn’t about those who judge me being so wrong,
and me coming off as the innocent, I never step a toenail out of line kind of person…
I see my flaws and faults.
But trying to be someone I’m not,
“copying” others,
and having a son that likes to kill small animals aren’t among them.
If you’d like a more accurate list I can provide you with one.

But I’m very aware of the things in my life that need the canvas of God’s grace to cover.

So when an issue comes up… all I know to do is take it before the Lord and ask Him to reveal the truth to me.
Sometimes it’s extra hard because yes, that person was right.
Sometimes it’s extra hard because no, that person was way off.
No matter how you slice and dice it self examination brought on by others isn’t fun.
But if I feel peace from God in an area.. then man’s opinion shouldn’t effect me. right?

I usually let the kids read the comments on their birthday posts..
but I hadn’t with Ben.
He asked me about it the other day and I told him what the bb gun stalker person had said -
Ben has a huge heart and is super sensitive to things. So I was kinda surprised when he started laughing…
“She thinks I like killing animals? Mom, that’s just not true!”

I loved his mater of fact response.
His resilience.
And the way he so quickly shrugged it off and went back to eating his ice cream -
He knew it held no truth. So he wasn’t bothered by it.

I watched him for several seconds. Smiling. Proud.
And wished I could let go of “accusations” so easily.
Even ones I knew held no truth.

Thing is.

I don’t.

I used to think I could.

Maybe in my old age I’m crankier and find things sticking to me more easily.
Or when you’re dealing with people who always seem to find SOMETHING…
I was telling a friend last night that there are those that even if you said,
“Okay. give me the list. Tell me what I need to do to win your approval…. “
As soon as you were following the list, there would be another to follow.
“Oh, when I said skirts I didn’t mean that one was okay… ”
Or, and a new one for me… people in the blogging world who have never met you in real life,
but suddenly hold the monopoly on all the issues you need to deal with!

But actually.
The reason I think it’s hard for me to turn loose of some of this stuff is -
bottom line – I want everyone to like me.

And I don’t think I’m so unusual in wanting that.

I don’t think anyone relishes the thought there is someone out there who has something against us.
Whether it’s true or not. No matter who it is…
family. friends. blogging “strangers.”
Or even someone as wacky as my “bb gun stalker!”

But. and here is where God had to open back up an area I didn’t realize still needed so much work…

In the past if I thought someone was upset with me, or didn’t like me,
I would trip and blubber all over myself trying to win their approval.
Feeling such a huge need to EXPLAIN myself and be understood. 
Ever been there?

And here’s where the nails especially got hammered in with me this week…
Reality is. Not everyone is going to like me in life….
And I cannot change that by “nicing them to death.”
Pretending that it doesn’t bother me.
Pretending it doesn’t hurt.
Even pretending that I don’t care whether or not I have their approval-
because in my heart of hearts I do care.
and probably always will.
But though it matters to me…
it doesn’t have to control me.

It is such an exhausting way to live life on the voices of others opinions.

When I do I either end up phony. or bitter.

Relationship stuff is so tough.
and unique.
and like nothing else in the world to truly reveal our real selves. 
Because no matter how wrong or hurtful someone else has been..
at the end of the day,
when it’s all said and done -
their response is not our responsibility.
Only our own.
And when God asks us to be the first one out of the corner, to uncross our arms and go make it right…
or love regardless…it’s hard and we’re vulnerable and it can be plain downright scary!
But I’m believing more and more it’s not really so much about the outcome…
as it is about the process.

And as much as I’d like every person in the world to love me and think I’m great…
it just ain’t so~
There will always be those relationships in my life – people I know.. people on the internet…
that baffle and confuse me and irritate the snot out of me in their unfairness and in my opinion, wrong view of me.

But regardless of how many times we’re knocked down or wounded..
we have to keep our hearts open. tender.
And no matter how justified we think we are to be unkind and cruel,
as a child of God – we never are.
 
And I’m not talking about a self righteous pat on the head to those people we’re struggling with.
No one likes to be made to feel like a “ministry opportunity.”
I’ve been there. Felt like one. Yuck.

But I think we can ask God to give us a legitimate heart for that person..
to help us by His grace push through the pain and be able to display sincerity and warmth.
Because He can do that, ya know? It’s His specialty.
Fixing what was broken. Restoring what was lost. Bringing beauty out of ashes.

There’s alot of beauty in my life in friendships and life lessons that were birthed through some very unpleasant circumstances.

Wanting others approval is something that might have some open construction in my life for awhile…
I deceived myself by thinking it was done.
But living and striving for it is something that I feel a whole new breath of fresh air kind of freedom in.

I know that no person on this planet can fill up the big swiss cheese holes in my heart….
Those empty places that God and Only God can fill.

“And yet. God designed us to enjoy and need people too.
So. It becomes this wild-n-crazy out of balance see-saw for me.
Very quickly, without Him.
Because I am always trying to plug people in places they don’t belong.

The other side to the see-saw is the deceiver beating me up for the way God designed me.
I hate feeling needy. I even feel “guilty” for it. But isn’t that the very thing that should send me to Him? First. of course.

And sometimes, doesn’t it? shouldn’t it? include other people as well?!
Not Ever in place of Him, but because of Him?!”

Yes.None of the crazy, emotional and often hard things we go through with others is random.
It’s one of God’s number one ways of reminding us how fragile we are. how needy.
And ultimately, how so in need Of Him we truly are!

Sunday night when I was struggling through alot of this stuff I just laid my head over on my knees and said,
“Lord, do you get this…”
I had different scenes from His life flash through my mind.
Talk about being misunderstood, wrongly accused, lied to, lied about, hurt, rejected…
on levels I’ll certainly never endure.
And it was like I could see Him smiling down with this huge grin on His face saying, “You better believe I get it.”

And He went through what He did, so that when I go through what I do,
I would know that He’s more than capable of providing a way of victory and freedom! 

a song i’m loving lately-

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

and a Scripture i’m loving lately-

“Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness; for in You do I trust.
Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift my soul up to You.” ps. 143:8

{One.plus.One}

When Kate and Ben were little, both under two -
“older” moms would tell me to savor those days..
that they would soon be gone, and I’d miss them and want them back.

I can so remember just staring at them from my sleep deprived eyes like, “right?”

But they were!

And though I don’t necessarily find myself wanting to “go back” …
I kinda think the older ages are alot of  fun too-
I do find myself amazed how quickly their littleness went away,
and get all emotional thinking of how few years they really have left with us.
Then they wonder why I’m being extra huggy and all lovey dovey.

I think the neatest thing for me as a mom has been discovering some of the sweetest friendships with my very own kids!!
I mean I always felt that with my parents, but I don’t know.. I’m not sure you truly realize the specialness of it until you’re a parent yourself.

And today, one of those best friends turns 11.

My Ben.

There is so so much that immediately rushes to the top of my heart to share about him…
I.love.that.kid.to.death.
He’s absolutely amazing. 
And yes.. this word is a good description too - 

But I don’t have the of time to write all I’d like cause he’s having a big party this afternoon with a bunch of other lively 10 & 11 year olds…
and I’ve still got lots to do… and it looks like we’re going to get rained on…
so the party planned for outside is coming in!!!
Time to get creative in the entertainment department…
Wonder what they’ll think of ‘The Quiet Game?’

There’s more details and history about my sweet boy here.here.here. and here.

While going through the pictures to stick in this post I couldn’t get over these two shots -
how much he looks like his dad. and I’m glad. cause I think his dad isn’t bad to look at.

So~ haPpY biRthDaY to the second most important man in my life!!!!

You are a gift. and I’ll forever be grateful God gave you to me.

love, mom.

{i love monica}

On Tuesday at my appointment I saw a midwife I hadn’t seen yet up to this point.

“Wow! You’ve had quite the experience the past few months.” She said looking up from my chart.

I smiled. “Yeah, which is why I’m a bit nervous being here today. Every appointment so far has been pretty eventful…”

She stood up and starting putting her gloves on…

“Well let’s just put your mind to ease right from the start, dear. Lay on back and let’s get that baby’s heartbeat.”

She squeezed the cold jelly out on my stomach…

“You’re a good 12 weeks so we shouldn’t have a problem getting it.”

She turned the little doppler device on and began moving it slowly across my belly…
I could hear different swishes and swooshes and kept thinking, “is that it? no. there it is?”

She tilted her head to one side and listened more intensely.
Pushing the doppler down harder and moving it from side to side.

So much for the idea of this easing my mind!

“Hmm..” She finally sat up straight and turned the tiny microphone off.
“Let’s see if anyone’s available in the sonogram department…”

I felt a million screams wanting to come out my mouth!!
And when she left the room seriously contemplated running out of that office as fast as I could…
little blue robe on and all!

That morning when I was talking to my mom I told her I was feeling anxious about the appointment.
She assured it was just a standard check up –
“They won’t be doing a sonogram or anything, sis.”

Guess again.

When I walked down the hall I prayed the sonogram tech in that day would be the nice one-
whose name started with a M… I couldn’t remember exactly what it was.
I didn’t want the mean grumpy old lady that had “missed” baby and told us he was gone.

When I walked through the door there was M.
Which I learned that day actually stands for Monica.

“Oh sweetie…” she sighed and smiled compassionately. “When they told me the patients name was, Amber, I was like, Noooooo!”

But within seconds, once again, Monica found Hutchbaby.
All bouncy and waving like before.
She laughed and talked about how cute he was.
Let me hear the nice strong heartbeat.
And printed out a clear shot of his profile with his hand in front of his face. {we’re getting quite the collection}

We joked about me naming the baby after her since she’s the only one who seems able to find him…
she said she thinks this one just likes having it’s picture taken!
And we said we felt we should do lunch or something since we’ve already been through alot together in our short time of acquaintance.  

I just love that lady! I love her spirit and her love for the little life inside me~

So grateful and relieved everything’s still okay.

I thought I’d get some shots to document the end of my first trimester.
It’s going by so fastandsoslow all at the same time.
Kate took these this morning out in the shed, since it was raining.

Say hello to the ever growing tummy o mine that’s housing the world’s only unborn hide-n-go-seek champion!!

   

 
 

Thanks again for all your prayers ~ keep em coming!
This little one has been so saturated with the grace and mercy of God.

“I love the Lord because he has heard the voice of my supplications. Because he has inclined his ear to me, therefore will I call upon him as long as I live. The sorrows of death compassed me, and the pains of hell got hold of me: I found trouble and sorrow. Then called I upon the name of the Lord; O Lord I beseech you, deliver my soul. Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yea, our God is merciful.”  psalm 116 

amber.

{toothpaste on my toothbrush}

This week has been gorgeous.

Sixties and sunny.
Finally wearing shirt sleeves and sandals for the first time of 2010. yaY!

The sandals don’t seem to stay on long though.
It only takes a small amount of warmth for my kids to think it’s barefootin weather…
and Emma went and promptly laid out both her swim suits in case we, “doe to da beach.”

Instead of the beach, we did spend some time at a park yesterday around a little pond…
So peaceful and relaxing.

 
{this picture reminds me of the verse – “and he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water…”}
 

On Saturday we held a reception for my brother and his wife for those who couldn’t make it to Texas for the wedding.
Between the holidays and snow storms it got pushed a bit further back than I had planned…
But, everything came together and it was just a sweet sweet time.

If you’ve ever planned any kind of party or anything I think you know what I mean when I say that the decorations and food are such a small part of something being nice…
to me it’s seeing that everyone is comfortable and relaxed and that there’s a spirit of genuine joy and unity…
which I don’t think you can necessarily “create”- but I had prayed that would be the atmosphere, and it was. So I was pleased.
I’ve been to parities and planned parties where when it’s all said and done it’s like, “just get me out of here!!”
I’m laughing to myself recalling some of those! :/ oh dear~ 

{some shots of the room}
  

        
  
   
{got the idea to spray paint tree branches from Anthropologie}

{and saw some kind of flower “chandelier” in the Pottery Barn kids catalog that this idea came from}
 

 

I have to say that I’ve really been impressed by my new sis in law.
She’s moved hundreds of miles from home, and from the south to the north {in the wintertime no less}!
And not only stepping into her brand new role of a wife, which can come with adjustments and getting used to all on it’s own…
but has also stepped into being a young pastor’s wife on top of it all.

My heart really felt for her because I would have flashbacks of my own starting out the same way.
New home. Hundreds of miles away from family. A pastor’s wife.
And I grew up in it, so atleast I was more prepared for what things would be like…
finding out when the pressures and criticisms came I wasn’t as “prepared” as I thought.
And are those the kinds of things you can really ever be prepared for though, come to think of it?

So I’ve known.. known what Bryn was stepping into. Been nervous for her.
And yet, find myself so amazed at how she’s handled herself with such grace and calm.
Not reactionary. Not angry.
And she’s joked that the whole role of a pastor’s wife goes so against her nature –
she’s not really social. not a huge talker. she doesn’t look at herself as any kind of role model or “leader,”
and I know has felt a bit overwhelmed by the expectations others have put on her.
But I love her attitude. being able to laugh and say, “I kinda knew life with Jeffrey wouldn’t be dull.”
It brings tears to my eyes even now…
to her, it’s just about just being Jeff’s wife. and if some of this stuff comes with the territory, that’s okay.  

I’ve learned from her.
She never seems to be too swayed by others opinions of her.. yet, still, willing to change and try not to offend.
Key word – TRY.
Isn’t it true that if you want to find fault in someone you will!
I mean for all of us, honestly… you don’t have to look too far to find something to criticize.
Why? Because we’re human. We’re fleshly. We fail. We are flawed people.

It’s sad that the body of Christ is so bad about extending the same grace to others that we want and expect in our own lives.
Imagine if we tried to view one another through rose colored glasses stained with the blood of Jesus.
So that when we looked at others – others who might be different from us. others that we don’t get or understand…
instead of seeing all the “wrong”.. all the things that need to change..
we were able to look and see what Christ has done for US!!
And be able to extend that same grace and compassion and mercy.
I think our responses would be a bit softer. our words less cruel. and our thoughts less judgemental.

Can you tell I’m a defensive big sister that’s jacked on pregnancy hormones.

I’m grateful for the new addition to our family….
and no one will really know all the meaning in that sentence but me.
The things God has done in my own heart through it all.  

But every person and every change that enters our life is from the hand of God. I honestly believe that.

love you bryn. and i’m proud of you. <3

{following pictures by Emma}

    

{and Emma’s favorite part of the day- eating cupcakes}

 

I was thinking on Saturday…. no, actually it was more on Friday while setting up…
cause I didn’t do much thinking on Saturday now come to think of it I was so brain dead tired by then.
But how fun is young love to see and be around. the spirit the closeness the inside whispers and laughs and looks…
and how that it doesn’t have to just be confined to “young love.”
That same freshness can be alive in our marriages no matter if it’s been 3 months or 30 years….

I remember everyone saying that the first year of marriage was the hardest…
and then wondered what we were doing “wrong” when it wasn’t. haha!
It was just pretty wonderful and great…
but then this past year – our 13th year –
I suddenly felt that maybe that rough first year everyone had warned us about was finally catching up to us.

In the summer things got intense. And I couldn’t even say what was causing it…
I know we were under alot of pressure with Shayne’s business, our finances, and trying to make the decision to move to Canada or not.
We weren’t on the same page with everything and I felt the distance creeping in.

I remember thinking how that I’d heard different woman talk about how they felt they didn’t love their husbands like they should, and how they prayed for God to restore that, and I would think… “how unromantic is that!!” But suddenly – - – I was one of those women! 

And I hated it. Hated what I was feeling and struggling through. But yes, there was no other answer than to take it to the Lord.

One night, while Shayne and I were sitting in a dark parking lot talking about where our marriage was at I suddenly felt God answer that prayer – but it wasn’t exactly the answer I had thought it would be.

The answer wasn’t about HIM – - him changing.
The answer was ME.

I had grown bitter and cold and the most scary part, so self centered.
It was about what I wanted. what I thought was best. what I thought needed to happen, etc.
And God just broke me right there and then and dropped the blinders from my eyes, revealing how I had been so wrong. 

There is so much emphasis in our Christian circles of the man being the main one responsible..
he’s the leader. he’s the one the success of the home and marriage rests upon.
But I don’t think I agree with that… I think some of us wives can mess things up pretty good all on our own, without any help from him.

One thing I realized too is that sometimes things are not as complicated as we make them…
it’s not all like we need a counselor and weekly projects and three magic steps to get us back on track –
sometimes it’s just doing what we already know to do.
And usually that doesn’t take the brain of a rocket science to figure out what those things are.

I think the enemy would like us to think a situation is hopeless and beyond repair –
to overwhelm us and cause us to feel it’s too big and too hard and nothing will ever change.

But there is NOTHING bigger or more powerful than Jesus Christ! Absolutely nothing.

 

For me, it was getting back to basics.
To that young love attentiveness to the other…

I saw how that I had stopped communicating my love in the small ways –
the notes and lipstick messages on the mirror.
the favorite desert.
the romantic candles in the bedroom.
the hugs and touches for no reason other than to say, “i know you’re there, and i’m glad.”
and… even something as insignificant as putting toothpaste on the other ones toothbrush.
it sounds silly.
but it wasn’t to us.
On our honeymoon it was this crazy “tradition” we started…
whoever was first to the bathroom would get the other ones toothbrush ready for them.
again, just another little way to let the other one know we were thinking of them.

But during that time last summer guess what? 
Pasting each others brushes had stopped.

That night after our life changing {truly} talk and time on that dark parking lot,
when I walked into the bathroom, there on the sink was my toothbrush~
a big ole glob of toothpaste never looked so beautiful to me or tasted so good!

And since that time things have continued to climb back to the early years of wonderfulness..
not perfection. cause that was never there.
But when two people are making a conscious, deliberate effort to selflessly love the other –
yes it can be pretty wonderful.

 

Time to go to my doctor’s appointment this afternoon…
I’m a bit nervous. I don’t know why – maybe just because all my visits so far have been very emotional ones.
Hopefully today’s will be normal. and uneventful.
I can’t believe I’m to the 12 week mark {this Friday}!
This first trimester has flown by…
although I guess a few weeks ago I would have said it was creeping by. haha!
I guess that comes with being pregnant – changing your mind often.

have a great day!

amber.       

{Going on the war path}

I can remember so many times as a teenager standing in the bathroom putting my make up on…
leaning way over the sink, as close to the mirror as I could get.

And it seemed without fail, that at some point in the process my dad would walk by and stick his head in and say -

“Getting your war paint on again?”

That memory makes me smile.

And came to my mind as I watched my girls the other night playing in my make up bag.

They literally did look like little Indians when all was said and done.
Emma’s actually the one who knows where everything goes –
she likes to sit on the floor by me whenever I’m getting ready to go somewhere…

So it was funny cause she was telling Kate.. “dis dose here.”
Her instructions were right, even if her aim was a little off.

 

Then, of course she thought Kate looked so nice and she wanted to look just like her! 

Thinking of what it means to raise girls I have so many words come to mind.
Fun, is one. Comradery, another.
And SOBERING…. that one always finds it’s way in there and creeps to the top of the list!

Because it’s not enough to simply say to my girls, “this is how a woman of God should act…”
My words mean nothing if my life doesn’t back it up.

I can plaster a smile on my face and PRETEND to be some kind of perfect role model….
perhaps fooling others. But no matter how many layers I’m hiding under my kids see straight through all that.

Like at Ben’s basketball game recently when Emma was boinging up and down on my lap and I was growing increasingly irritated because I wanted to watch the game..
but, not wanting to let those around me know I was losing my cool – since they already think I’m the crazy home school lady…
I pulled Emma close and tried to whisper as nicely as I could for her to behave.
To which she pulled back, looked up at me innocently and said all too loudly,

“Why you andry mommy?”

“I’m not angry sweetheart.” I said through somewhat clenched teeth. “Now talk more quietly!”

Our kids know the real us… and not the us we sometimes deceive ourselves into thinking we are.

Amazing how even if we’re using all the right words and trying to talk in the right tone – it’s still our spirit that speaks the loudest.

Not long ago I had something happen with Kate that really drove this home with me…

We were headed out somewhere and she was wearing a shirt that, well, I just don’t like that shirt. So, I asked her to change.
She became obviously upset and let me know with her attitude… which puzzled me, because that is just so not like Kate.
Wanting to understand what was going on in her heart I said,

“Sweetie it’s just a shirt.. why is this such a big deal to you?”

Kate is not confrontational. Usually I have to dig out what’s bothering her. But this time the response was quick.

“Mom.. do you only love me if I look a certain way?”

“What?” I blurted out, feeling emotions from every direction flooding in.
 
Time seemed to stand still for a bit…
like it does in Fiddler on the Roof where Tevy stops and talks to himself at different points throughout the movie. 

how could my daughter feel this way?
hadn’t I always tried to communicate unconditional love?
where had I gone wrong?
surely she was just upset and saying this in anger?

But I felt my heart suddenly stinging with conviction…
and God’s grace washing my eyes to see the truth.

I didn’t really know what else to say except,
“Kate, if that’s how you’ve felt then I’ve been so wrong. Will you please forgive me?”

It was painful for me because of all areas with my girls this one has been huge for me -
Making sure I always emphasized with them that genuine beauty comes from within.
Even trying to avoid drawing alot of attention to their outward appearance.
Of course I think my girls are beautiful, what mom doesn’t?
But it’s not something I sit around saying to them everyday.
I just don’t think it’s healthy for a girl to constantly hear that –
physical appearance can be altered in an instant…
I don’t want any of my kids to build their self worth upon something that is changeable.

And so when Kate told me how she was feeling it touched on such a sensitive nerve.
I was so humbled.
Because even though I never ever “consciously thought” about it,
when Kate said that to me it’s like the blinders fell off and I saw how that, yes…
the kids looking a certain way {emphasis on certain} when we went out had become overly important to me.

And nothing wrong with cute clothes and booger free faces.
I still want my kids to look nice…
That’s not what this is about.
But rather realizing that while I thought I was saying one thing with my mouth,
my spirit was communicating something different!
 
It’s hard to even write that here. I’ll be honest.. I erased it twice.
I don’t like the fear of being judged.
I feel ashamed that I could have ever made my girl feel that way… even slightly.
But there’s something that wins out over my “shame”.. and that is wanting to be genuine.
To be real. And most especially in my own home. With my kids.
To be able to see my flaws… the ways I’ve failed and flopped and flubbed up…
But to see then in a even more powerful way how God can FIX what we’ve broken!!

“The world looks for happiness through self-assertion. The Christian knows that joy is found in self-abandonment. ‘If a man will let himself be lost for My sake,’ Jesus said, ‘he will find his true self.’ A Christian woman’s true freedom lies on the other side of a very small gate—humble obedience—but that gate leads out into a largeness of life undreamed of by the liberators of the world… ” Elisabeth Elliot

I really do step upon the path of motherhood every day with equal amounts of trepidation and excitement…
and as I seek to guide these young lives entrusted to my care, I’m reminded over and over – I’m not doing it alone.

Father, you father me ever so patiently….
by your power and through your grace,
I think these kiddos are going to be okay.

= = ~ = = ~ = =

a funny side note on keepin it real with our kids, and our kids seeing right through us, etc.

this last week has been a hard one.
lots going on.

and when I haven’t really had time to fully process something I kinda stuff it and it just percolates right below the surface…
boiling over at the drop of a hat. and usually onto those I love the most and want to hurt the least.

well, last night Emma brought me a “gift”..
all wrapped up in toilet paper.

 

inside was a crab.

now how telling is that!

amber. 

ps~ here’s a heart gripping story on how our children help teach us what’s truly important. i read it Friday night. and cried.

{When it rAins it pOurS}

We’ve had so much rain lately. Which is typical here this time of year..
I don’t mind it so much. It melts the snow and reveals a sweet surprise of green underneath!

It never ceases to amaze me the excitement I feel every year for spring and warmth and consecutive days of sunshine~
Nope. I never get over longing for it to come.
And I never seem to get over my childish impatience that it never will…

I was thinking the other day how much life mimics the seasons.
And there are those seasons of the soul that can seem cold. dreary. endless.
Yet, underneath it all.. unseen by the human eye.. something is happening -
There is NEW GROWTH. promise. HOPE.

Yes. I love the springs of life.
Yet reminded again that I don’t appreciate their beauty nearly as much if not followed by a bleak winter. 

  

With all the rains around here though seem to come sickness..
we’ve had runny noses and sinus infections.
Then over the weekend I got some kind of stomach flu, which mixed with pregnancy is not fun. :/.

Yesterday afternoon the kids were really wanting to get out. Me too.
and though still not feeling 100% I thought some FRESH AIR might kill off the rest of the germs!!
So we headed down by the river… since the weather man said it was going to be 40 out, but feel more like 45.
I think he must live on a different continent because it seemed barely 30 that actually felt more like 25!!
Needless to say, our trip to the river was a short one.

  

animal tracks we found. any idea what they are?

kate’s artwork in the mud.

  

Instead we headed for the mall…
They have a big merry go round you can ride for a dollar and Emma loves it.

She chose the bunny and Ben the dragon!

 

If I could have taken the going round in circles thing I would have ridden too..
and chosen this one~   

I mean when else in life can you ride a rooster!!

The other thing the kids like to ride at the mall are the escalators! and they’re FREE!
So we made our rounds..
and I was glad for the chance to stand still and not walk.

I have to say that watching Emma on a escalator cracks me up..
she stands at the bottom and puts her foot way up high in the air,
waiting. waiting. waiting. THEN.. makes this sudden leap/ lunge to get on.
The whole way up she leans forward, with her arms out..
in what looks like the skiers from the Olympics doing the long jump…
funny thing is she keeps this position the whole way up –
but at the top, instead of jumping like it appears she’ll do,
she all of a sudden stands up straight and calmly walks off!!

We had just gotten back to the children’s department upstairs when instantly I felt I was going to be sick. Such an awful feeling in a public place – looking around at the bins of stuffed animals and nearby shoe boxes wondering what would be more “appropriate” to use. Deciding that my huge purse was probably more user friendly and emptying out the contents for the kids to hold as we walked quickly across the store to the nearest bathroom!  

I was so grateful we made it. But then, I was struck with a new dilemma…
how in the world was I going to make it all the way back to the van?
We were literally in the furthest part, top back corner of the mall.
And we had parked at the entrance clear on the other side!

I just sat down on the toilet and leaned my head over against the stall wall…
feeling a bit hostage in the Dillards department store bathroom!

Calling out to the kids from time to time to not play in the sinks…
don’t go in the other stalls…
“Ben stop flushing the toilets!”
and for Emma to stop crawling on the floor peeking up at me.

All of a sudden a loud screeching noise went off.

“Guys? What is that?”

“There’s a button in the handicap stall that says pull for assistance… and Emma just pulled it!”

I groaned. Envisioning a slew of Dillards employees barging in at any moment,
and me trying to answer their questions through the metal door as to why I had come to the mall if I had the stomach flu…
and of all things to walk all the way to the other side..
and why weren’t these kids in school…
and what kind of mother was I anyway to leave them to play in toilets and with alarm buttons while I was holed up in a 2 by 2 stall…

I told the kids to line up against the wall by the door. Atleast they would seem orderly if anyone came..
which no one ever did. Which later struck me.. if I had been in that handicap stall and really needed something – -
well, I could have drowned and died right there without anyone ever knowing!
Apparently their system for assistance doesn’t work very well.

I eventually came out and washed my hands and splashed my face with water –
hoping we could make it out in the 10 minutes or so I knew we had…

While leaning against the sink praying God would give extra grace to just get home, Ben said…

“Look mom! I got this for free!!” Holding up a long slender tube. “I just hit on the side of that machine a few times and it fell out… ”

“Oh buddy.. I don’t think you want that!”

“Why? What is it?”

“It’s.. it’s for girls.”

“I know that. But what is it? Do you eat it?”

Not really in the mood to give a biology lesson at that particular moment, I said what all good mothers say to their sons about these kind of questions …

“Well.. stick it in your pocket and ask your dad about it later.”

We somehow made it back down the escalator. Through the store. Down the mall. Past the rooster flying merry go round. And to our van. I’ve never felt so relieved to see my house come into view as we pulled into the driveway….

I don’t think trip to the mall will be on my list in the future when I need to “get some fresh air after a stomach flu!!”

= = ~ = = ~ = =

Last night I had cut an apple up and was sharing with Emma…
When she saw me eating the skin she ran in the other room and said to Shayne,

“your mudder is eating dis drose part of da apple!”

“That’s not my mother.. that’s my wife.”

Emma got a confused look on her face. “What?”

Apparently we need to explain more to our kids than just what those “free” things are you get from the machines in the ladies bathroom at Dillards!!

    

= = ~ = = ~ = =

I’m feeling so much better today and ready to tackle all the things that haven’t been tackled this week.

like laundry… :/

Which actually wasn’t tackled all of last week either because my washing machine went out!

We had a repair guy come on the weekend and thought all was fixed…
well, my first load had water pouring out the ceiling in the kitchen!!!

Shayne was joking that if it had just been over a few feet we could have had the dishes washed too.

See.. I told you we’d had lots of rain lately!! )

thank you so much for your comments and cards and messages about baby.
I still feel in shock that little one is okay – and just oh, so grateful.
 

I’ve laughed at some of your messages about praying for me and how some of you have said,
“I hope you don’t think it’s weird… like I’m a stalker or something.”
Trust me.. I’ve had a stalker once on xanga. And you are nothing like that.
Only kind friends that are genuinely thoughtful and sweet.
And I appreciate your thoughts and prayers and love.

love you back.     

amber.

{a little baby miracle}

Last Wednesday is when it started…

That familiar cramping down low that made my heart race with worry.
Then, the dreaded bleeding. Not much, but enough.

It stopped for about 24hrs. Coming back late Thursday night.

I had been sitting up trying to watch the men’s figure skating finals..
wanting to see if the American was going to edge out the Russian…
but my stomach began hurting so bad I had to go to bed.

As Shayne prayed with me, I curled up in a ball and cried.

Was God really going to ask us to walk this road again?

I tried to not have my mind go to, “what if?”
But couldn’t.

The next morning I called my midwife who, of course, wanted me in for a sonogram.

I almost didn’t go.
What was the point?
Part of me would rather wait it out at home and hold on to hope!

Shayne thought it was best we did.

I laid on the table in the dark room, just as I had done one week earlier..
and anxiously watched the screen on the wall.

I haven’t the slightest education in the medical field..
but I’d “been there, done that” enough times that I knew what I was looking for.

The sonogram technician zoomed up on a large black {empty} circle and began clicking on her machine,
taking measurements and typing things in.

I didn’t say a word.
Tears fell quietly down the sides of my cheeks into my ears.

Finally the silence broke.

“I’m sorry, hon. I’m not seeing the baby. And there’s no heartbeat. I’m going to get one of the midwives to talk with you guys….”

I dressed quickly, and walked down the hall to the office.
I sat in the chair as Shayne stood. Staring out the window.

I knew I couldn’t say anything to him. I’d just fall apart.
And I’m kind of a private sort of falling apart person..
So. I held it in.

After an eternity the midwife finally came.
I felt like my head was in a fog…
I could see her mouth moving and hear her words as if they were in slow motion.
It was words I’d heard before…

“It appears this isn’t a pregnancy that’s going to take off. Your body is the gatekeeper and knows when something’s not right..
there’s no reason why you can’t carry a healthy pregnancy in the future. There’s no medical explanation for these things….”

Shayne asked about the healthy sonogram the week before,
and she fluttered around in her papers saying she hadn’t seen that in her records…
Apologizing profusely now that she hadn’t been aware of that and realizing since we’d already seen baby and heard a strong heartbeat, this was extra difficult.

But still, she said based upon the sonogram she was pretty confident this pregnancy had terminated itself.
Telling me to wait it out over the weekend and come back in on Tuesday {today} for a follow up sonogram…
explaining that she felt I would probably miscarry over the next few days, and if not, they’d want to see what was going on and possibly get me set up for a d&c.

I felt like I had cement in my shoes as I walked to the front desk to schedule another appointment…
Shayne knows me so well. He did all the talking for me.
We walked through the waiting room of pregnant women and infants.
To the elevators.. down through the main lobby.. out the door.. across the parking lot…
Once in the van I just buried my head in Shayne’s shoulder and wept.

I feel perfectly content with three children, if that’s God’s number for us…
but to give us another life only to take it away seemed cruel.

I’m not going to even pretend I tried quoting Scripture to myself or believing God was good.
There was alot of ugly that came out of my heart that night and early morning…

By Saturday afternoon I felt… I can’t even really describe it. Cleansed is the word that comes to mind.
My heart was still so full of questions and doubt and worry, and I couldn’t even really let my mind go to what seemed to be happening.

I determined I wasn’t going to conclude anything until our next sonogram on Tuesday.
So… I waited.

As it got closer I felt a strange mixture of dread and peace.

Amazing, the peace seemed most dominant as we were getting ready to leave this morning.

Emma said to me…

“Mommy, you doeing to da doctors to see if our baby has moved away?”

“Yes, sweetheart…”

She came over and touched my hand.

“Well, if our baby has moved away don’t try .” {cry}

Which of course, made me cry.

We had to take Shayne’s rumbly black truck because the van had a flat tire?
I sat among all the tools and stared out at the drizzly rain.
Feeling, somewhere.. deep down inside me a whisper saying, “I trust you Lord.”

We got in right away, no wait. Which I was glad about…

The sonogram tech read my chart and asked some questions, which Shayne answered.
She was very sweet telling us she knew exactly what we were going through. She had too.

I told myself I wasn’t even going to watch the screen this time.
But. of course I did.

At first I saw the familiar black empty circle.
The tech moved the probe around and I thought…
I thought I caught a glimpse of another black circle with something…
Was that something?

“Is that…”

I began to ask.

The tech was ahead of me.

“Hold on a second here. Let me go back there….”

All of a sudden there WAS something.
This tiny perfectly formed baby… and it was jumping and moving.
It’s little hand going back and forth…

The tech said she couldn’t believe it.

“Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness.” She kept repeating…

“That is very much a baby and it’s very much alive!!”

She played the heartbeat and it was a wonderful 160 strong!!

I started to cry right out loud. So much for my private falling apart thing.
The tech started crying too…

She said she had never seen anything like that in her career.
{a sonogram reading pregnancy gone, to a sonogram showing.. no it wasn’t!}

“My hands are just shaking, I’m so excited.” She kept saying as she took the measurements and commented on how “bouncy” baby was.

Of course then there were so many questions.
What had happened? How could that be possible?

One of the doctors of the practice over the midwives met with us…
he said that he felt like the sonogram tech last Friday had simply missed the baby.
{it was a different tech than we had today}
Though she was a tech who had been doing that for 40 years!?

And as the doctor assured us everything looked great,
all I could think about was the verse that says…
“My substance was not hid from THEE.”

This little one had been hidden to us, to the highly efficient medical equipment and medical staff…
but never. not once. was he hidden from the Lord.

And my heart is just filled with so many many things..
that it would take an entire other post to write about.

But I wanted to share our “miracle” with you…
I know so many of you have prayed for this little one.
And I’m grateful and humbled and in awe -
I honestly believe God has heard.

“I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me….  The Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation. Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous: the Lord’s right hand has done mighty things! The Lord’s right hand is lifted high! the Lord’s right hand has done mighty things!”  Psalm.118

We’ve had alot of shouts of joy round here today!! 

 

“There are two ways to live life… one as if nothing is a miracle, and one as if everything is!”

amber.

ps. my mom says if this is a boy she’s calling him, “Lazarus!

{wrinkles are the road map life writes across your face}

I recently discovered another reason to love xanga…

I used to store all my photos on a back up hard drive.
Which crashed about six months ago.
We sent it away hoping for the data to be recovered.
Found out last week… it can’t.

It took me awhile to get over my denial about that…
every single picture I ever took, since going digital,
was on that hard drive!
Which is basically every picture of Emma’s entire life.
Even now to write that I have a sick feeling coming up in my stomach,
which I’m pretty sure is not associated with pregnancy!

I don’t know how you are…
but I was just never as good at getting my digital pictures printed as I was my film.
Of course, I had great aspirations too – and all kinds of beautiful scrapbooks put together in my mind.
I wish I would have had a better system of putting them on cd’s and printing them off right away.

So, xanga has now become a precious time capsule…
housing some of the only shots I have left of the ones I’ve taken through the years.

Which brings me to a question…
Has anyone saved/ backed up their xanga? and how?

I’d love to eventually take all the post pertaining to my family and put them in a mini book of sorts…
I’ve started some projects here.

I think that would be a neat keepsake for the kids.

= = ~ = = ~ = =

Speaking of stress {is that what I was talking about?}

After years of basking in the sun without sunscreen…
washing my face in a hurry…
and never drinking enough water…

the results are in.

All over my face.

So, I think it’s time for some damage control…

I’ve got a little birthday stash and would love to invest it in a nice facial product~
What are some of your favorite face creams to use?

My mom swears by Dove soap and Oil of Olay.
But I unfortunately did not inherit her skin…
mine is super sensitive and both cause my face to break out.

Shayne has been doing some work for a husband/ wife team of plastic surgeons…
I asked him if he could possibly swap his skill for a little of theirs on my face -
he didn’t go for the idea.

kidding aside…
I really don’t mind growing older.
I like the contentment and settling of who you are within yourself that comes with it.

All those little lines across the face seem to serve as a reminder of the roads we’ve traveled to get there.

Still, roads need maintenance from time to time..
so face cream suggestions would be great.

Here’s one of favorite messages on comparing,
and embracing genuine beauty.

“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.”

{baby. birthday. and bits of rambling}

Thank you so much for your sweet words about baby~
We’re all pretty excited, and still getting settled with the idea.

Last Friday morning was incredibly precious.

When you hear the heartbeat I think it just helps solidify there’s really a LIFE inside..
And to SEE that life. Wow! Even more so.

Tears ran down my face when this image came on the screen. 
As tiny as it is, no doubt… it’s a baby!
With what appears to be it’s little hand raised in the air as if to say -
“Hey, mom. I’m really here!”

I feel undeserving of God’s kindness.
But, oh! So very grateful.

We were talking last night about the possibility of it being a boy…
because we have no boy things left~ I’ve sold them or given them away through the years.
But we do still have lots of little girls clothes.
So our conclusion was,
“If it’s a boy, he’s going to be in touch with his feminine side!”

People always did call my babies the wrong thing anyway…

“Isn’t HE cute.”

“Thanks. His name is Kate….”

“Isn’t SHE the prettiest little thing.”

“Yeah. She’s gonna have a hard time with the name Ben on the playground!”

So, maybe for the first few months girl clothes on a boy baby won’t really matter.

Either way. Boy or Girl. We’ll be happy.

= = ~ = = ~ = = ~ = =

My mom gave us this little blanket for Hutch6~

Emma’s been carrying it around everywhere…
saying she’s looking for a place for the baby to sleep.
Finally deciding on a spot behind the couch,
surrounded by a bunch of her toys and dolls.

= = ~ = = ~ = = ~ = =

A week before I found out I was pregnant two rather funny things happened~

First, we got a box of baby formula in the mail. So random.
I started to throw it away, but something told me to hold onto it..

 

Then, when at the mall.. in a terrible hurry..
and the only {yes, seriously} parking spot left was this one…

 

Walking in I told the kids to bend their knees to appear shorter…
And Ben assured me~
“If the security mall guy arrests you, just tell him you MIGHT be pregnant..
ya never know.”

Apparently, we didn’t.

= = ~ = = ~ = = ~ = =
 
This pregnancy began like the last two…
lots of spotting and iffy-ness on what was happening.
I chose to hold off on going to the doctor.
Early sonogram’s can be a curse, as I discovered last time around…
One week it’s bad news. then good. then maybe.
To me, it just made the emotional roller coaster even more intense.

The waiting was brutal. and yet.. even as I write that I look back and see the cleansing it brought too.
Flushing out, once again, wrong motives. faulty views of God. and the part of me that likes to control my circumstances~

One Sunday morning, when I woke up to some bleeding, and ended up staying home to rest…
I found myself just laying flat out on the floor weeping and… I want to say, pouring my heart out to God.
But it wasn’t quite like that. Nothing seemed to really come together in complete sentences..
My mind raced a thousand directions – fear. worry. anger. confusion.
Something that seemed to continue every time I tried praying… 
I felt like I couldn’t concentrate for 5 minutes straight.

I started feeling so guilty for not being the “mighty prayer warrior” like I knew I should be during all this…
Why couldn’t I be stronger?
Trust God more?
Shouldn’t I be beyond this stuff?

I know the answers. Believe me. I do.
But I swear, sometimes taking something from my head and putting it in my heart is so stinkin complicated.
And yeah, maybe sometimes… I just don’t want to.

I shared my struggle with my mom and she reminded me of this verse..

“Come unto me ….”

What?
All of you who can focus without distraction when you pray?
All of you who know exactly what to say to me?
All of you who are spiritually strong and have it together?
No.

“Come unto me all of you that are WEARY….”

There’s a word I could relate to.

God wants us.. and even more than that, He invites us…
to come to Him in our weariness.

We don’t have to improve ourselves first.
Or make sure we’re acting in some “spiritually correct” way.
He accepts us in our weakness.
To simply, Come, is His only condition…

and there.
He gives us r.e.s.t.

 
 
= = ~ = = ~ = = ~ = =

I’m continuing to find rest in my weariness…

I’ve never been quite so sick or tired with a pregnancy before.
Usually, with the other three my morning sickness hit worst at night.
I’m not used to all day, every day, sickness.

My family doctor put me on progesterone right away which seems to only heighten both those symptoms…
especially the nausea.

It’s been frustrating.
I’m not a napper.
And don’t like sitting down in the middle of the day…

Though, I’ll admit with the Olympics on, it’s been helpful. 
Don’t know what I’ll do when they’re over…
Any good suggestions of soap opera’s.

Speaking of the Olympics..
if they had a sport for sniffing, I would so win!
My nose is stellar these days.

Which isn’t actually good for everyday living.

The other morning I kept smelling gas from somewhere.
Shayne finally remembered he’d spilled a little on his glove the day before,
which was in his coat pocket…
in the closet…
upstairs!

The gloves ended up thrown out the back door.

And on Tuesday morning, when I saw smoke rolling out of the microwave…
discovering Emma’s english muffin she’d attempted to warm up without my knowing~

  

I had to throw myself out the back door along with the muffin!

Leaving the house for several hours hoping for the smell to air out…which it never fully has.
Even now if I take a deep breath in I catch a wiff –
ugg. : /

= = ~ = = ~ = = ~ = =

My birthday was nice.

On Friday I was able to go to lunch with girlfriends~

Where I got this…

 

which I thought was a waist expander for my pants during pregnancy.

But apparently, it’s for this…

So now I’ll have the most stylish coffee cups around!

Thanks Rach~ {check out her etsy site here}

On Saturday we were at a basketball tournament all day.

 

Besides the feeling just now coming back to my butt from sitting on the bleachers for 12 hours, it was fun.

We were in an area where some good friends of ours live, so we met them later for dinner…

They brought a cake.
Which had ice cream in the middle with pieces of crushed Oreo’s in it~

And when we got home that night mom had left some gifts on the kitchen table.

Along with another cake!
Which was chocolate with white icing, my favorite kind~

Sunday, Shayne took me out for a little valentine/ birthday celebration.
We had a sweet time, just us two.

    

See those jeans~ that was the last day for them in awhile!

 

 
 
  

 
See the heart in the snow!

= = ~ = = ~ = = ~ = =

Usually, I like to make Shayne a card…
this year, well, I didn’t.
So.. I found myself in Hallmark with all the other last minute masses.~

Have you ever read some of the cards out there?

Most of them seemed to have been written by someone with a glass of beer in one hand,
and a rhyming dictionary in the other!!

And for that price…
I could buy dinner for my whole family at Taco Bell!

= = ~ = = ~ = = ~ = =

We got a ton more snow this week!

Shayne made a quinzhee for the kids~
which I think in American terms is, “snow fort.”

They keep saying they’re going to spend the night in it…
since daddy told them all about his times of sleeping in them growing up.
 

I’m not sure how I feel about that~
especially with the coyotes that roam our woods.

Or how I feel about snowball fights from the second story window~ 

 
 
 

 

But I’m sure if it wasn’t for my husband my kids would have no adventure in their life at all…

Funny how adventurous I used to be before I had kids!!
Somehow whenever I get a crazy idea,
my children’s health and longevity seem to win out.

= = ~ = = ~ = = ~ = = 

This afternoon the man who delivers the paychecks for Shayne’s company got stuck in our driveway.
He’s the sweetest old man..
and reminds me alot of my Grandpa.
Who went to church for the first time since his surgery on Sunday by the way,
and is doing wonderfully well. Praise God!

But this other Grandpa of a man.
I felt so bad for him.
The more he tried to get unstuck, the worse it became.

I told the kids to go give him a hand…
and admit I chuckled a bit when I saw them trudging down with a bag of ice and shovel.

Kate and Ben to the rescue!!!  

But with no success.
I finally ventured out…

Now, as you might have guessed by now – these kinds of crazy things seem to always happen to us…
and to add to the drama, I had some more spotting yesterday, which we think is okay {I’d appreciate continued prayers of protection for little one}
but, I was supposed to be taking it extra, extra easy today!

I started down the driveway as the old man walked up…
he was telling me his cell phone wasn’t working, and to “be careful and not fall.”
Just about the time I did happen to slip and nearly fell, only to have Ben catch me, just as the old man happened to slip and actually did fall..
laying there for several seconds flat on his back which made me grab my head with both hands as my heart jumped to my throat.
He looked like he had just killed over! 
Ben got to him before me, as he sat up slowly.
Thankfully, only his leg was hurt.

Heading back to the house to call my brothers to come help,
I walked out of my flip flop shoes in a snow drift…
And with every squishy, soggy step after that wondered,
“Whoever said being a homemaker was dull!!”

= = ~ = = ~ = = ~ = = 

Last night after watching Shaun White’s awe inspiring performance Ben asked if he could grow his hair out like that…
I told him if he becomes a champion snowboarder and pays for my retirement, then = SURE!  

      
 

amber.   

{Another Birth Day}

All is quiet.

Except the ice creaking and popping outside as the wind swirls around the house, whistling at the windows.
Every now and then from where I’m sitting I can feel a cold little gust that’s made it’s way in.
One of the joys of old farmhouses – good ventilation.

The sun came out today for just a peek. Such a welcome sight to see.
It made the trees look lit from within in their crystalized covering…
transforming ordinary landscape into a Narnia wonderland. 

And now I’m sitting here soaking in the peace of the night,
and the coziness of a warm home in my pj’s with a quilt over my lap…
I’m thinking about my birthday tomorrow {which is probably already today}
and another birth day that’s coming.

 

My mom tells me 36 years ago that I was born late at night…
so close to Valentines day that the doctor told her if she’d just wait a
little longer she’d have a true sweetheart.
She says she looked up at him exhausted after 18 hours of labor and said,
“My baby will be sweet enough, thank you.”

Sometimes I do feel as if I were born on Valentines,
the way my birthday runs right up into it.
Heart shaped candies and themed things are always gifts, which is fun.
What better day to be almost born on than the day when the world is celebrating love.

I really can’t believe another year has past.
I was remembering my birthday last year, and it feels as if it just happened…
It was as cold, though not all the snow we have now.
I drug Shayne from one vintage clothes shop to another in this quaint old town,
and later tried on tons of dresses way out of my price range at Anthropologie.
I remember my hair was cut to my shoulders, and I wore it curly.
The kids had left little happy birthday notes all over the house for me to find.

They started early this year, and I’ve been collecting several a day for a week.
I noticed the improvement of their penmanship from last year…
and as I stare at the neatly printed misspelled words I can’t help but feel
a bit melancholic as I realize, I’m not the only one getting older round here.

  

I remember when my grandma turned 80 I asked her what it felt like…
I’ll never forget her quick answer -
“The same as it did when I turned 20.”
She went on to say that of course the hourglass figure wasn’t what it once was,
all the sand had seemed to shift to the bottom.
And every now and then you surprise yourself by the reflection in the mirror and ask,
“Who is that?”
But all in all you’re the same person you ever were.

I’ve thought of her words alot. Or more, her spirit.
The way she’s handled life with such grace. Accepting and content..
My mom is the same.
I’ve had good role models and want to follow the pattern they’ve set.

I feel now. More than ever, like my heart is settled.
A peace about the past.
A calm about the future.

 

My life certainly hasn’t taken the path I had once thought…
imagining 10 years ago where I’d be now, I probably wouldn’t have guessed still here~
But in it all I see God’s hand. Really. Even in the ugly parts.. the parts I thought I hated when I was in them…
now I look back and just kinda smile. Not really a excited, “oh, let’s go do that again” kind of smile~
but a smile that says it’s okay. I embrace it all. It’s part of who I am. Of my story…
Every detail has been filtered through His unconditional, eternal love.  

and what a thought is that.

 = = ~ = =

I’m not sure when we’ll get around to celebrating this new year of my life…
Ben has three basketball games today in different parts of the city.

But I don’t mind.

I already got the best present ever.

Early Friday morning…

It was a strong, vibrant swoosh swoosh noise that was music to my ears.
And a teeny tiny black form up on a screen on the wall in a dark room. 

Though I’ll have to wait another 7 months to open this little gift~

that’s a BIRTH  DAY I certainly can’t wait to have!

 

amber.