{Going away this weekend & having something weird in my bathroom…}

   

Something I’ve felt like doing alot of in the last few months – and I think in many ways I was in my heart..

Nothing wrong with pulling back at times, only, what is it we’re pulling away from?

It seems since losing the baby, especially, I was feeling this sense of “withdraw,” of retreat.. but to all the wrong places. Not even really recognizing I was doing it.. only knowing there was a gnawing dissatisfaction inside that I didn’t like.

So when our Ladies Retreat came around this past weekend, I found myself anxious for this space of time to get away and work through some of these things with the Lord.

Funny how the timing of things can work sometime though.. as soon as I walked into my room at the conference center I felt sick to my stomach. I went to the bathroom, and my heart fell a little as I realized I had just started my cycle. I was three days late. There was hope. But…

I felt a sudden urge to lay on the bed and “retreat” within myself once again, as I had been doing – but felt determined to get my butt in gear and do what I had come to do… settle this stuff going on inside me. I longed for my thirstiness to be quenched. My emptiness to be filled. And knew (if only in my head, my heart wasn’t there yet), that He was the Only One who could quench and fill!

Have you ever felt that way in your life? Like Jacob wrestling with the angel… You will not turn loose until you resolve the struggles inside?

I set off on a walk… I love getting out like that. Somehow in nature God seems nearer.

Before long I came to a little creek bed. How well it reflected my life –
All pretty much dried up, except for a few pools of water here and there.
As I walked along it I had the verse come to mind, “He leads me beside still waters; He restores my soul.”

And that’s what I began to pray… for my soul to be restored.

I sat for awhile and just talked right out loud to God~ asking Him to do what was necessary in my heart over that weekend.

A long time friend of mine, Kristine Lancette, was the speaker. And man! if ever a woman was filled with the Spirit of God, that woman is. I remember her from years ago, when we were just teenagers… I used to say, “Kristine, you act like God personally walks you to work every morning!” I believe He did. And still does.

 

Everything she shared my heart seemed to leap out and latch hold on with an, “uh-huh. uh-huh. that’s it!” kind of hunger.

But here’s what hit me most… and some of my thoughts might be a bit disconcerted. It might not make a whole lot of sense to you, but I wanted to rehearse it again here for myself – and perhaps there’s someone reading who might identify and find some kind of encouragement as well. 

The pieces I was struggling with came together for me this way…

~The Christian life isn’t some hard day to day battle of striving and figuring and working feverishly to “get it all right.”
No. It is only when I stop trying to “get it all right,” and want to, “get only Jesus,” that the emptiness inside is filled.
 
It is when I stop reaching for all these other things, no matter how “good” they seem… and reach and cling to Christ ALONE that I can experience the satisfaction my soul longs for.

And finding satisfaction and fullness in Christ is not some kind of secret treasure that only few can discover…

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.” 2 Pet. 1:3

Either Christ can satisfy us and meet our deepest needs, or God’s Word is not true!

And  here became the most crucial piece for me – -
Christ is not wanting to be everything to us out of some domineering attitude of, “I’m God and this is how it will be…” 
But rather, He wants to be everything to us because He loves us that much!
And He knows – He KNOWS – our souls will never be at rest until HE.IS.OUR.ALL.

  
 

Sometimes I think we have this wrong perception of God… that more often than not He’s terribly disappointed in us –
we picture His face downcast and sad. Somehow that the majority of the time He’s upset with us…
But just the opposite is true…
He looks on us with delight. Do you ever picture God smiling at you? He does you know.. 

Because He loves you..
Not just occasionally.
Not when we “get it right.”
But always.
In our weakness and in our sin.

Especially in our weakness and our sin.

It’s the reason He came~

To be a Savior for our sin. A Redeemer for our regret. A Strength for our weakness. And a God for our every need.

He wants to live life through us.
For us.
And WITH us.

Getting beyond a mere slotted “devotion” time where we meet Him… but discovering the sweet communion of a conversation with Him all throughout the day.

I love that. and love that He desires that with me….!

     

I read somewhere, “Love is not only something God does, love is something God is.”

God would have to stop being in order to stop loving.

Our temptation is to humanize God, because we are limited to understanding love as a verb. With God, love is first a noun. It’s what and who He is.

In many ways I feel it’s so simple – then again, the ways of God really are.

In essence, the more I grasp of the depth of God’s love for me – the more I CAN cling to Him alone…
letting go of all these other things I want or look to bring satisfaction.
Even if these things seem “good.”  –

Nothing wrong with desiring another baby, wanting financial pressures to be gone, or the unknown future months to be clear – but when I look to any of these “things” to bring satisfaction where only Christ can I will live unsatisfied. disillusioned and exhausted!

And ya know, I might not like to admit it, but it is often through trials, through the hard stuff that I become more aware of Who He is and just how much He loves me. 

Looking at life from any other perspective but His only leads to self pity. Questioning God. Doubting His love. Thinking somehow He intends to “hurt” me, instead of seeing that He is giving me exactly what I need and long for. Filling the empty places of my heart with the only lasting fulfillment there is – Himself. 

Wow! What freedom there is in His love~

 
Freedom within~ to have my soul satisfied. my thirst quenched. my empty places filled!

Freedom without~ recognizing the more I learn of His love the more it allows me to free others from having to emotionally boost me up.  

I didn’t really think the “answer” to my struggle was rediscovering God’s love~ but. there it is.

And I wouldn’t even say “rediscovering.” Because in many ways it’s like a floodgate has opened and I feel it so strongly, so convincingly fresh and new and alive and I’m not sure if I’ve ever really known. Really…. just exactly how He feels about me!

Like when you were a kid and would sit and pull the petals from a daisy…
if it landed on a petal of “He loves me not!” What would you do?
Go grab another flower and do it all over again..
and again..
and again if necessary,
until it ended on that one life altering, exhilarating “He LOVES me!” petal. 

Well, God has a garden full of daisies.. and Every.Single.Last.One. always, and for all eternity ends shouting the same thing – “He LOVES me!”

So go pick away – - and allow that beautiful truth to seep into every gap and hidden spot within you.

  

 
“There are many aspects to the nature of Christ. He is the Good Shepherd, our Deliverer and our Healer. We perceive God through the filter of our need of Him. And thus He has ordained, for He Himself is our one answer to a thousand needs.”

So very true! “But God is not only the answer to a thousand needs, He is the answer to a thousand wants. He is the fulfillment of our greatest desire in all of life…. for whether or not we’ve ever recognized it, what we desire is unfailing love.” 

God, awake our souls to see… You are not only what we need. You are what we want! Fill every hole in our lives with Your great colossal love…

A Love that will not let us go!

“That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that you being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; And to know the love of Christ, which passes knowledge, that you might be filled with all the fullness of God…” Eph. 3: 17,18

 

= = = = 

While writing this, Kate came to me and told me there was something weird in the bathroom….

I went to look and had never seen anything quite like it.

Sorta like a bird or giant moth or something.

Moving closer and swatting at the bird/ moth like thing it hissed!

I quickly realized it wasn’t a bird. or a moth. or strange combo of both… 

It was a bat! IS a bat!

Yup.. there’s a bat in my bathroom~ !!!! 

So, I did what all good American wives would do…

Screamed.
Closed the door.
Called my husband.

He can’t get home to us for awhile~ so, I’ve stuffed towels under the door. And am trying to distract little minds from thinking they have to go to the bathroom…

I’m sitting with my legs crossed pretty tight together too !

Hope your week started off less eventful!

{What ever came of the singing?}

Okay. here’s what happened a week ago last Saturday in the final round.
(If you missed the beginning of this story, go here).

Woke up early and headed to the other side of town where I was supposed to be riding in a parade…
Smiling and waving at strangers like Queen Elizabeth makes you feel pret-ty stupid!
And did you know that it’s not longer “allowed” in most states to throw candy from floats in parades?
Something about the danger of little children getting impaled with lollipops!

What’s with that?

You see all these kids standing there with their arms outstretched ready to catch the rain of sweets upon their heads, only to have a look of confusion followed by disappointment cross their face as someone walks over and gently hands them their candy! How boring~

After the parade we had to rush back across town for Ben’s football game..
where I then had to rush home,
get dressed, ready,
then head back across town once again for the competition that evening!

The city was packed with cars and people for the festival and it was hard finding a place to park. About the time I did, got out and started walking the few blocks to where I was going, a light drizzly rain began to fall… quickly melting my poofy Miss.Clairol curls into wet strands against the sides of my face! Good thing it was still a few hours before the competition and I could atleast air dry. As I did, the other contestants all holed up in a corner of the room somewhere and did their voice exercises or practiced their song for the fourth.. fifth.. sixth.. seventh time!!

I sat in a chair by the coke machine, hoping the fan from the back of the machine would hurry my drying process, and wondered once again how I’d gotten into this. These kids and teens and adults were serious about their music. And most of them were incredible. Taking voice lessons since they were little, participating in musical theater, and competitions such as this one – I noticed how annoyingly calm they all seemed!

When I say I don’t consider myself a singer that’s not a lure for a compliment…
I love to sing. Love music.
But for my own enjoyment.
And there’s a difference..
a huge difference between people like me and most of those in the competition.

I was just wanting it to all hurry and be over so I could go down the road and buy a funnel cake at the festival!
Then go home, get in my sweat pants and watch a movie…

We weren’t supposed to start until five thirty, but when they began lining us up at five I suddenly realized that maybe Shayne and the kids wouldn’t make it on time coming from Ben’s game (?) I called him. The game had gone to overtime, and he hadn’t even left yet!

I felt a sudden urge to cry.

I didn’t want to do this without him there.

I prayed he would make it…

The mc guy introduced the show. The first person sang. Then the second. Then I was up…
just as I was about to walk on stage…
literally.…
I heard someone call out, “Go babe!”
I turned and saw Shayne and the kids running up!

I suddenly felt another urge to cry,

They were there!

God must have given him wings,
and blinded the police officers,
that’s all I’m saying!  

I stood and waited several seconds for the soundtrack to start… when it did I had this weird thought that it sounded funny. My weird thought grew as I began to sing and realized I sounded funny too!! When I hit the first chorus my mind was racing.. should I stop. Should I say, “hold on here folks, take two!” And since I’m not a singer, and had never done this in my life, I did the only thing that seemed natural – - – I kept singing!!!

Later, we found out it was the wrong track on the cd that had played!
Instead of track 3 for medium voice, it was track 2 for low voice.
I’m sure if you’re musical at all you’re smiling –
cause you can imagine how it sounded!
Though my family assures me it wasn’t as bad as all that ..
still, they’re partial..
so they don’t count!

Despite it all, I was excited to win third!!

Originally when I went to do this Shayne had said,
“Try to either win first or third. Not second..”
Second place was a new cell phone and year’s subscription ~
didn’t really need that.
Third place was several hundred dollars worth of gift certificates..
we could have fun as a family with those!

For the next few days though, I’ll be honest.. it was really bugging the snot out of me that the wrong track had played! Not that I was that disappointed about not winning first~ I was pretty convinced, based on the competition going in, that I wouldn’t. (the guy who won has actually been on the real american idol and has a insanely good voice!) But what was really getting to me was that I had prayed and prayed for the Lord to be glorified through the song…. I knew there would people there from all walks of life, struggling who knows how, and what an opportunity to share God’s love. (the song is pretty powerful for me personally – from a time in my life when Shayne was in Canada working, gone from us for several weeks, and I had battled immensely during that time on so many fronts. I think I actually blogged about it here).

But… the testimony I had prayed for my song to be.

Wanted it to be.

Didn’t seem to be!

And I had a hard time at first releasing it to the Lord. And though I feel now that things have settled inside me over it all -  It is what it is. That’s life. We learn from it and move on. Still, there might always be that little irritating nag of a thought that wishes things had been different. And I don’t know why God allows things to happen as He does at times~ but the one thing He seemed to keep whispering to me over those few days that I wrestled with regret was, “I don’t always get glory in the way you think I will, Amber. Or in the way you think I should. Trust me.. all things work for your good.”

I really do feel a calm in my spirit with that conclusion.

And I’m not sure “the good” that came from it… I mean, I see it on a smaller scale in my life. But the bigger scale… I might never know.

Perhaps some person who was there that night has taken up talking to God again as a result… “And now dear Lord, about that poor little Christian girl who thought she could sing…”

—-

The next morning, Sunday morning..
I walked into Ben’s room to wake him up for church.
He’s not my quick waker upper kid, but that morning,
as soon as I called his name he shot up in bed and with a huge grin on his face said,
“Mom, I still think you should have won!”

It makes me smile again, like it did that morning, even now writing it out…

I’ll never be some great singer.
I don’t really want to be.
I’ll probably never be some great “anything” for that matter.
And that’s okay too~
as long as my kids think I am…
love me regardless.
well, to me…
that’s one of the best accomplishments I could have!

And no.
Sorry..
I didn’t include the video of me singing that night.
I’m not quite that humble.
It’s humbling enough that I included the one of me singing in the van off key and flat here and there..
or so my husband tells me!
(he’s the musical one of the family).
 

But, here are some highlights from it all..

my favorite being little Emma’s rendition of it from behind me in her car seat!

amber.

—-

{A Irritated Husband.
      A Directionless Wife.
          And one Cranky Little Girl.}


I thought I could get away with one more year before having to do ‘school’ with my Emma Calen~

But after the first week of,
“Mommy, tan you help me do my math?” (as she shows me her stick like shapes scribbled across a piece of paper).
“Mommy, is this my letter?” (wanting to know again how to write her name).
“Mommy, where is my for real book?” (knowing the coloring pages and storybooks I give to occupy her time while working w/ Kate and Ben isn’t the “real stuff”).

I decided it was time to seize on her eagerness…

it fades far too fast!

     

Having a “spot” all their own to work has made a world of difference with the other kids.
I had an old antique telephone table rigged up for Emma’s desk –
but it’s tall and wobbly, and more than once she’s tumbled over..
desk, chair and student!
So, I began looking on Craigslist for something more suitable.

And I found something, seemed in great shape, for a great price, not far away.~
Deciding it would work nice for what Emma was needing,
we worked out to go look it over a few days ago… …

I had gotten the directions from the man over the phone.
But didn’t write them down.

first mistake.

“Oh, that’s where that big movie theater is, right?”

He said yes.

I travel based upon landmarks NOT street names~

But what I didn’t realize was the movie theater he meant, and the movie theater I meant were not one in the same! 


Instead of calling at that point,
second mistake,
I told Shayne I remembered he said it was off the Hamilton Avenue exit…

We drove. and drove. and drove…

Emma kept saying,
“I taught you said this store wasn’t berry far mommy…”

“It’s not a store, it’s a house, baby. And no.. it’s not that far.”

Atleast it wasn’t supposed to be!

 

 
We were almost to the Indiana border before we realized maybe we’d passed Hamilton Avenue,
or it didn’t exist…
and before my husband realized that maybe he needed to call this guy for himself to find out exactly where this place was~

After he did finally call, it seemed we were set…


Thing is..
men might be better with directions than us woman…
But they don’t hear as well as we do.

Instead of hearing the right “exit 127,” Shayne thought he heard “126″….

After about 20 minutes down that road~
that landed us in the middle of the boonies somewhere.
Shayne called the man again…

I couldn’t hear what was being said on the other end, but I know my husband – and I know “the look.”

    
 

He was irritated.
And I didn’t blame him…
after working hard all day in the hot sun.
Coming straight to meet up with me after that,
thinking of all the stacks of paperwork at home,
the estimates he needed to be working on,
the unnecessary gas we were spending,
and probably even the whole “unnecessary” need for the desk to begin with.

Wouldn’t the kitchen table do? It’s where I taught the other two..
but you know how us women are when we get something in our minds.
Somehow I just know she’ll learn so much better at a desk all her own!!  


I grimaced as I smiled up at him, “Sorry babe.”

He sighed and smiled back, “Oh, the things I do for you girl…”

    

There didn’t seem to be another side road for miles,
or any driveways for that matter since obviously, no one lived out there!
I don’t blame ‘em.
So he spun the van around right there in the middle of road…

We saw a car way off in the distance, but there was plenty of time to still make the turn~
the car seemed to quickly catch up to us though,
and a new type of irritated sigh came out of Shayne’s mouth as he looked in the rear view mirror…
it was a police car!

Of all the roads. In all the towns. At just that moment… who’d have thought?

I started devising the “excuse” in my head to tell the officer, hoping he would have some man to man empathy for Shayne~ he followed us for miles. Very close. Maybe he could tell by our license plate we were far from home.  Maybe he knew there weren’t any side roads or driveways close by to turn around. Or maybe he noticed how Shayne kept running his hand back through his hair… something he does when he’s annoyed. Maybe he ran his hand through his hair when he was annoyed too, so knew what it meant?   Who knows! But from nothing apart from the mercy of God he eventually turned off and we (especially me) breathed a sigh of relief. Imagine how expensive that desk would have become!! More than it already was~

Why is it when we think we’ve found a bargain it somehow actually ends up COSTING us money! :/

When we turned around Emma noticed we were going back the way we came (obviously she get’s her sense of direction from her father, not me!)

“But this is a berry wong, wong way mommy!!” she said through her growing crankiness.

Tired tears came spilling out.
The only way to get her mind off of her uncomfortable carseat,
and frustrated little state was to sing with her…
she loves making up songs.
Usually a collaboration of whatever Bible stories and books we’ve been reading to her over the past few days.
One of these times I’ve got to video her. ~ it’s hilarious.

  

They go something like this…

“I’m wooking out da window of my ban…. there is a big twuck and it has big wheels…. and Jesus tame walking down the wode and wooked up in the twuck and told da man to tom down right now…. and he went to his home and there wuz free bears who had ate all da food….”

And then she’ll give instructions for where the rest of us are supposed to sing…

“When I point like this mommy you say, Pays the Ward!”

So as we sang,

“I’m wooking out da window of my ban… ”  

“Praise the Lord!”

“There is a big twuck and it has big wheels…”

“Praise the Lord!”

We finally made it to where we were supposed to go, right before dark…


Funny thing (well, not really), I had went to a photography class with a friend in that area last summer…

“Oh, I know where I am!”

Shayne glanced over at me. I think he was smiling…. inside!

What should have taken us only about 25 minutes, ended up being an hour and a half!!

The people had set the desk out on their driveway – perhaps as a sign so we wouldn’t get lost again. “Right here folks!”

As we pulled in Shayne said, “No matter what it looks like just buy it babe.”

We got out and walked up to the house.
A young couple came out.
As we looked at the desk,
and told them what we wanted it for the man said..

“Well, if it’s for this sweet girl then you can have it!”

Sweet?

Didn’t they see her sulky face buried in my neck, that wouldn’t even glance their direction (to my embarrassment). And when I forced her to look up she glared with a look of, “so you’re the people that caused us to go on a ‘wong, wong’ trip in search of a desk that I don’t think I want anymore or care if I ever learn my numbers or know how to spell my name!!”

We tried to pay them for it anyway…

but they insisted.

Glad it was going to be put to good use. And sorry it had taken us so long to get there.

So…

We thanked them over and over….
loaded our finally found ‘treasure’ at the end of one very long hunt…
climbed back in the van…
sung Emma’s silly made up songs with her on the noticeably short trip back…
and smiled profusely at God and the little things like this…
that really aren’t so little, are they?

——–

On Friday I took some “school shots” of the kids~ incorporating the new Emma desk, of course!

  

 

Ben didn’t get any close up face shots since he fell out of a tree and his face it pretty scrapped, bruised and scabbed. When it heals we’ll get some… I’m sure he doesn’t care. The girls are much more into having their picture taken then my boy~

Wow~! I can’t believe we’re already at September!!

My big brother has a birthday this month, and so does my baby girl..

The one who is going to be using her very own God provided desk to do “real school” come tomorrow.

How do they grow up so fast?

 

AND~ Thanks for all your “cheering on” with the singing thing too… hopefully tomorrow or the next I’ll get up a little post about it.
It’s not really as suspenseful as all that.. I didn’t mean to drag it out.
I wanted to create a fun slideshow to go with it, and I’ve just been lazy and busy (more lazy) about getting it done~

   

{Struggling}

My grandma often says, “ain’t nothing funnier than people…”

Isn’t that the truth. Funny as in “funny.” And funny as in plain downright hard to understand!!

Nothing seems to effect our lives more severely, good or bad, as people.

God made us relational on purpose – A huge bottomless pit inside that ultimately can only be filled by Him. But sometimes getting to that realization can be a painful one…

Even when we’re not necessarily “looking” to others to fill us up, still I think we all desire to have a sense of peace in the relationships around us. I know I sure do. My spiritual gift is mercy, and if you know anything about “those” type of people you know we can’t stand to feel like someone is mad or upset with us… or with each other.. or at anything. We want to “fix” all the emotional pain. If only it were that simple, right? But some things… some people,some relationships cannot be fixed, for a myriad of different reasons, and most likely never will change.

You wish it weren’t so. You would think as Christians, as children of God, that we could apply those easy to say three words, “Love One Another…”

     
 
But that’s just it. They are so much easier to say. To write. Than to live! I know, because most days I don’t. It’s just really, really, really, let me say really one more time hard to do. Especially with “some.” And we all have that little list of names in our minds that go on that exception clause.

There are relationships in my life that for years I couldn’t even think about the person without feeling that suffocating feeling you get around your heart when you’re dreading something. Or feel as if I was going to hyperventilate to be around them. I would get that nervous. And yes, the hurt was that bad. The pain that intense. . . and though I can breathe more lightly about it all these days, and most days I don’t even think about it. Still – there are days when I don’t know why, but I can’t get it off my mind.

Like today. First thing this morning, Bam! the thoughts come flooding in. Feeling like somehow in the middle of the night the scab got peeled off and I wake up to a bleeding, open, stinging wound.

I think it’s easy to have the scabs rub off when we can’t seem to “get away” from the person who hurt us~ and though the initial wound might have been years ago, still seeing them or being around them can keep it fresh… especially when you sense their disapproval or judgement, even when nothing “new” is being said!
 
So I found.. and find myself struggling with old familiar emotions….

Going through the mental checklist of all the “right things” we’re supposed to do with a broken relationship.. 
Try to talk things through.
Pray for God to heal and restore.
Invest in their lives.
Return good for evil.

But after going check.check.check.check. down the list, there’s that same old feeling of discouragement at the outcome. I don’t think “the list”.. or any list for that matter, past the grocery list, really works very well. 

I think I’ve long concluded that this will never be some wonderfully deep intimate type of relationship, and I’m okay with that. But, my struggle is this… the fact that there IS still a struggle in my heart over it. I want to be completely free from it all~ there are days where I feel I truly am, but then a day like today comes along and I’m reminded, oh! maybe not.

When you’ve been hurt by someone at first the “battle” seems contained between you and them. (yes, yes, we battle not against flesh and blood.. but you know.) Then, time passes.. and they seem to move on, flitting through life unaffected by how they’ve kicked you in the gut and left you doubled over. As you come up and catch your breath again, or try to for years after, the battle seems to close ranks and encircle only you! Not only can it eat you up inside and steal your peace, but also the peace around you… in other relationships, in your home, with those you love most.

It can leave you all a little disillusioned, after all you weren’t the one with the problem… but now seem to be! Instead of  having the “awesome testimony” you thought you’d be able to share with others, in it’s place is the daily barrage of lies from the enemy ~…

Sometimes I get tired of people saying, “Well, you need to take your thoughts captive…”

Uh-huh. Okay. Like sitting my 3 year old on the toilet and telling her she HAS to go potty before we leave for our long trip. Try as she may, she can’t. When it’s not there – it’s not!

There are days I just don’t feel it in me. I’m weary. Tired of fighting. Tired of taking thoughts captive. Tired of writing Bible verses out on those little 3×5 cards. I can never find them when I need them anyway… 

{I sometimes think as mom’s we should be wearing tool belts around our waists, ya know! Wouldn’t that be super convenient to have everything on hand… Need a wet wipe? ~wa-la! Windex for the fingerprinted back door you keep walking past, forgetting to clean? ~ here it is!  A Band-aid? ~ got it! Your little index cards with Bible verses on them? ~ here they be!}

The whole idea of battling and struggling is exhausting… I’d rather sit right here in a defeated heap, thank you very much, and bawl my eyes out!

And in such a defeated heap this morning… as I was just about to begin my bawling… I felt the Lord say, “You’ve got it all wrong here, Amber… you’re focused on the other person, wondering when they’ll change and why they never do… but I’m using them to change YOU!”

My tears stopped mid-sniffle and I felt my eyebrows burrow down as the thought sunk in deeper…

A thought .. hmm.. I didn’t like so much.

But once I ran through my list of self righteous justifications with the Lord.. how hard I had tried with this person.. how much I truly desired unity.. all the “good” I had done. I felt my excuses begin to dissipate. My heart was quiet. And the sobering reality of what the Lord was showing me slowly began sinking in…

My conclusion being.. this person would never go away – or rather, my “issue” with this person would never go away, until I learned to see them as God’s instrument in my life!!

I don’t know how you feel about relationships you struggle in but for me that’s a hard thought to swallow – I see this person from anywhere but GOD!

The problem I can have with seeing someone who has been spiteful and cruel from GOD is wondering, “so does that mean God let this person do this to me?” What kind of God is that!  A little girl who is sexually abused. A wife beaten by her drunken husband. People who chew you up and spit you out with their condescending judgements…

I’m not a theologian. Far from one. But I think I’ve come to understand it this way~ God does not “let” people do wrong. He is perfect and holy, and there is nothing – not a thought or trace of anything that is not perfect and holy within Him. But man is not. His flesh is dark, and therefore he sins. Even those who claim to be born again can walk in their flesh and “fulfill the lust thereof.” So bad things happen. Because anyone, Christian or not, when not walking in the Spirit of God is walking in the flesh. And our flesh can hold some pretty nasty stuff!

Even as I write that out I’m reminded I can look at this relationship I’m struggling with through my fleshly eyes and respond accordingly, or through the spirit of Christ which brings about a total night and day difference in my response!    

I had Joseph come to mind… when he told his brothers, “you meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.” My mom wrote in a card to me once, (and you talk about someone with a rough background.. someone with alot of emotional baggage that she’s had to deal with from her childhood of abuse), “God doesn’t waste any pain.  He gives beauty for ashes. And where dry, barren deserts once lay He brings cool refreshing waters… running down, and causing beautiful things to grow!”  

We’re not going to be free from pain and wrong this side of Heaven. It’s part of life. But while here I can choose to either live defeated by those things, or victorious over them!

And my eyes were opened this morning in a fresh way as to where the victory really comes from ~ Not in all the sweety sweetness I can muster up towards this person. Not in trying to change and make myself more “acceptable” to them (never works). Not in pretending to not be bothered by it all. Not even in all the stacks and stacks of Bible verses I could write out on those little 3×5 cards! 

But by learning to see God in everything.

In every circumstance. every situation. every person.

I can see some of you more seasoned, deeper Christians smiling. And rightly so. It’s such a simple truth. Like first grade. I should have “gotten it”  long ago, I’m sure.  But I’ll be honest… it’s the first grade simple truths that I feel the Lord draw me back to most often. Where I live most days…. and I’m not sure I’ll ever really “graduate” and be some super great Christian. But I want to be a better one than I am now. And if that means staying in the first grade and relearning the same things over and over, then okay. : )

—————

“… they saw no one anymore, but only Jesus with themselves” (Mark 9:8).

“It is not that they saw no one else, but they saw no one else without seeing Jesus. The identified meaning of life is that we see “every man perfect in Christ Jesus.” We do not need a transfiguration experience to see meanness, because we are mean; we do not need a transfiguration experience to see sin, because we are sinners; but we need a transfiguration experience to see Christ Jesus in the mean, in the sinner, in the all but lost, in the wrong and in the evil, so that it can be true of the experience of every saint – “they saw no one anymore, but only Jesus with themselves.”

This is what contact with Jesus means. It is easy to see the specks and the wrong in others, because we see in others that of which we are guilty ourselves. “Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things” (Romans 2:1). The greatest cure for spiritual conceit is for God to give us a dose of the “plague of our own heart.”

What a wonderful thing it will be for us if we enter into the transfigured experience of life! There is never any snare in the man or woman who has seen Jesus. Have you anyone “but only Jesus” in your cloud? If you have, then it will get darker. You must get to the place where there is “no one anymore, but only Jesus.” ~ The Place of Help, Oswald Chambers

   

“The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.”

    

     

{Hello Another Monday}

Can’t believe it’s the start of another week.

…. and soon it’ll be the start of a new month..
I know everyone is saying it, but still, so will I…
this summer has flown by.
I’m not ready for it to be over.
But am I ever?
We’re already feeling a touch of fall in the air here…
along with a touch of some other things I’m not very fond of.

Shayne asked me to write out a detailed schedule for our school year a few weeks back….
I decided to give each day a theme.

[praise God for hand-me-downs from friends far away]

For example: Monday is Creativity. Tuesday, Adventure. Thursday, Ministry…. etc. He liked it, but wondered when actual school was going to get done among the themed ideas?

School?

Oh yeah…

I have to admit I’ve never been a very disciplined/ scheduled type of person. But as the kids have gotten older, and their school work more demanding I see that it’s crucial in order to get done all we need to~ I’ve known too many home schooling mom’s that think it’s okay to simply turn the kids “loose on the farm” for their education and that it’ll be enough… and I’m all for outdoors, and out of the norm education… remember who’s writing this. But I know there’s a balance – a super delicate one of being flexible and creative, yet serious and disciplined too. And since the first two adjectives have pretty much defined my schooling approach for years, I know it’s really time (probably overdue) to kick in and incorporate the last two.

[Shayne showing the girls a little snail coming out of it's shell]

 

Thing is, writing a schedule… cute theme days and all, is a piece of cake. It’s keeping to it that’s the stinker!

~So, I find myself tonight with a strange mixture of excitement and dread as we jump into our uber organized life (atleast on paper) and  “officially” start school tomorrow …

s.c.h.o.o.l.

That very word in and of itself has always (since my first day of kindergarten) evoked such a mixture of the same emotion I feel tonight – excitement and dread. I think more dread than excitement… and I never dream.dream.dreamed I’d be home schooling my own kids someday. Actually, said I never would! Ya know when they say, never say never… yup, it’s true. It’s not necessarily a deep seeded conviction of ours to do so~ we take it year by year, and Shayne is very open and sensitive to my feelings with it all. He recognizes all too often it can be the dad who comes up with the bright idea to home school, then skips off to work each day while the wife is left glaring out the front door after him while foreign looking math problems and “what exactly is a noun?” type questions begin calling from the other room….

I’m grateful for his leadership. But also very grateful for his understanding. And his brain~! The kids wouldn’t have made it without him.

  

I’ll be honest… I’ve been struggling more than usual with entering into another year of school. I’m not sure why… haven’t exactly processed through all of it yet within myself. I’m working on it. Wanting to not just merely “survive” and muddle through each day but to be passionate and joyful about what God has for me right now, this time in my life, this day, this moment… and if that includes homschooling then I want to embrace it wholeheartedly and genuinely! Wow~ how I need His grace in a huge huge way though. Boundless. Limitless. Grace. I love to close my eyes and simply picture it pouring down over me… drawing from it’s strength. A strength so beyond myself to do those things I don’t always feel I can, or want to.      

I think of these words often, 

“When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
when our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
when we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
our Fathers full giving has only begun….”

 = = =

I read the following earlier in the week and mentally tagged it to some “outside” struggles with others. Not exactly seeing the application to some of these “inward”struggles I’m facing.. but  here tonight God brought it back to mind and it hit a little closer to home for me ~

“The way to the fulfillment of all life’s highest ideals and its deepest longings is the Lord Jesus Christ Himself. How patiently He waits until, having battered ourselves against the impregnable bars of our universe, we turn at last, humbled and bruised, to His arms, and find that all our fightings and fears, all our willfulness and waywardness, were unnecessary had we but been simple enough to come to Him at the first…. God grant that  for our own sakes, for the sake of those near and dear to us, for the sake of the wide world, and for the sake of the Lord Jesus Christ, we may come to this new and living way, where “whoever walks the road… shall not go astray… but the redeemed shall walk there.. with singing, with everlasting joy on their heads.” ~Oswald Chambers

I want my life to be like that. Marked by the everlasting joy of Jesus.

And I know that kind of joy (genuine and lasting) has nothing whatsoever to do with the things I all too often think it does…

Like solving those foreign looking math problems, re- teaching nouns for the umpteen time, looming schedules, and even silly singing competition that don’t go as planned (more on that..).

For it isn’t based on what is happening around me, but rather where I choose to place my focus throughout~

Though the list of choices is a small one,

1)Him. 2)Me.

The results of what I choose are enormously life altering!

 

= = =

Random thought..

Ever wonder why God made us ticklish?

Shayne and I got into a huge tickle war tonight with the kids … of course, it’s not exactly fair since he’s not ticklish.
What’s with that? Some people are, some aren’t?
But the kids and I laughed until we couldn’t breathe….
My sides are still aching.

And I guess after such tickle fights, and when it’s near one in the morning I find myself pondering the why? of it all….

One conclusion I have, and I like it, is that God enjoys hearing our laughter. Therefore He made a super creative way to hear it.

= = =

Speaking of it being late and laughing… if I don’t get off to bed soon that’ll be one thing I won’t be doing in the morning.

Rather, when that alarms sounds at 7, I’ll be wishing I had made the scheduled wake up time 8!!

(good thing I wrote it in pencil!!)

Hello Another Monday!   

Amber.

{Ben’s hair. Shayne’s shopping. And that crazy thing I got myself into…}


I remember when my kids were younger thinking about the less busy days that were coming when they were older…

Obviously, I’d never been a mother before!!





It seems life never slows down. But I’ve decided I think I like it that way…

Even someday when the kids are grown and I’m old and gray I hope I still like it that way!

I love seeing older people who are active and always doing and going…

I read this quote the other day and thought, “Yeah! That’s it!!”

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!” – Jack Kerouac

= = ~ = = ~ = =



One thing that fills our busy schedule right now is football for Ben.  This is his second year to play and he’s loving it.. last year, not so much. It was all new to him – not just learning the game and plays, but also having someone beside mom yelling at him!!

I so enjoy watching him enjoy it.. though I’ve decided football practice is more the place for daddy than me since yeah, I’m not used to hearing anyone else yell at one of my babies -  I near headed out on the field a time or two cause I didn’t like it! I chose to walk away instead. …Funny though, when I stopped to look around it was mostly dad’s there anyhow. Later, I mentioned to Ben about all the yelling his coaches did and he said, “What do you mean?” ha~ I guess it’s a guy thing.

He had his “big game” down at the Stadium where the Bengals play this past weekend~ such a cool experience for them.



  



One of the boys on Ben’s team has a six year old sister who was recently diagnosed with leukemia… Her name is Lily. She’s a tiny thing with huge big eyes that look even bigger against her soft bald head. She loves football and doesn’t want to miss a game. Out of support for her and her family they gave all the teams the option of shaving their heads like hers…

Ben talked to me about it and said he thought he’d like to do it…

“She’s so cute mom. And I can’t help thinking that could be emma.”  

 

I was really touched by his heart. And relieved to see some growth in the area of “thinking of others ahead of himself” – something we’ve worked/are still working on with him.

I’ll be honest… I really struggled with the thought of him buzzing his hair off.
I love my kids hair…
I know. I know. So superficial!
They have such gorgeous, thick heads of hair though.
And I happen to like Ben’s hair longer.
He has a cowlick on the top too that the longer hair helps to cover!

When the “haircut night” at practice came I found myself cringing a bit inside as Ben walked over and climbed up on the stool…



I turned away, half joking-half not, to the lady cutting that I couldn’t watch…. as I did I happened to see Lily’s mom getting out of their SUV right then. Her own hair shaved down to the scalp. I watched her lift her sleeping girl out of her seat and carry her over to the field by her husband (also with a shaved head). My vanity and shallowness instantly slapped me in the face, and I was so ashamed of my attitude. I looked at Ben and smiled as he peered up at me while his cherished hair was quickly dropping to the ground. In that moment I thought he never looked better…

And each time I see him now. Or run my hand over that stubbly top I’m reminded that life is about so much more than hair…

  

So much more!

= = ~ = = ~ = =

Does anyone have any idea what this is??



Shayne went to the grocery for me on Saturday.. and it always cracks me up when he does the shopping. He comes home with some of the funniest stuff. Stuff we never buy. And usually, there’s always some kind of weird fruit or vegetable in the mix too. Because he, “wants the kids to experience different foods!”

The sticker on it said, “Fruit from Mexico.”

And it tastes like a potato!!

Yes – yuck!!

= =  ~ = = ~ = =

Remember that crazy thing I said I’d gotten myself into….?

Well, during Hello Dolly I met a lady who was on the board for something in our city called, “Mason Idol.” Like, American Idol.. only not. She said she thought I should audition… to which I’d always just laugh. I don’t consider myself a singer. And I’m far far from a performer!

Then – my camera broke! And the cost to fix it was more than I had…  and I found myself racking my brain for how I could pay for it. One night in the dressing room I heard her telling someone else about the competition, but for the first time I happened to hear that there was cash money for the winner!! (are you smiling yet) …

Two days later as I sat in the “holding area” and waited my turn I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry… one from the whole ridiculousness of even doing this. The other from being so downright nervous!

I kept telling myself it was just some rinky dink little competition.. I’d give it my best.. no big deal. But as I walked into the room with the four judges behind the table, NOT smiling at me – I secretly promised myself in that instant to never ever again laugh at the contestants as I’ve done year after year on American Idol as they audition for their shot on the show…

I had noticed the people going in ahead of me all carrying cd’s… I hadn’t realized you could sing with a soundtrack. I hadn’t even realized what I was going to sing until the day before, since I guess I hadn’t even realized I’d be doing this till about then either ~ ~

“What will you be singing?” One of the judges asked.

“Uh… Tale As Old as Time, from Beauty and the Beast….”

I saw one of the judges raise her eyebrow and a slight smile catch her mouth. Perhaps the song choice was a bit immature for me…

“I’m the mother of young children.” I said in my defense.

You had to sing a Broadway tune, and it was one of the only songs I knew all the words to because my girls love watching that movie!

Well, despite the Mrs. Potts sing-a-long I made it through to the next round~

Which was a few Saturday’s ago now. Every time I would think about what I was doing I had to laugh – - this was so not me! Not in my comfort zone. I grew up singing in church, and at wedding’s and funeral’s.. and once for Mr. Gothard and a group of some kind of officials in his office from Taiwan – which was kinda weird (and funny)! And the time Julianne Thompson (Yamene) and I sang for a Regional Seminar and I laughed pretty much through it all … I have the worst habit of laughing at the most inappropriate times! But never had I sang for a audience that votes for you! Or judges that critic what you sang and tell you what they don’t like!

When the day of the competition came and I waited my turn along the side, I was pretty much convinced that no amount of cash prize money was good enough for what I was feeling, which in a word was – Terrified!

I kept trying to pep talk myself with things like, “You’ll never see these people again in your life… Your husband loves you no matter if you croak like a frog… You’ve given birth to three children, this is nothing…” But soon the private inspirational speeches ended and I was up~

For the first round I chose to sing, “Once Upon a Dream.” A song that sort of became my “theme song” for the little baby we recently lost. It was special to me, and I was praying to just make it through without crying.

I saw my mom crying in the crowd… I try NEVER to look at my mom when I’m up doing anything. She always cries when she watches her kids. She cried through Hello Dolly~ That’s mom. I love her. 

Welp, made it to the next round. Sang another song. Made it to the final three.. which compete this Saturday at some big festival thing in the city. I’m rather wishing I would have cried or croaked or something now on that first song though. I hate feeling so nervous about something… I’m trying to simply focus on pointing others to God. I chose a Christian song for that purpose and hope the Lord will use the words to touch a life. Above anything, that’s ultimately what I want.  And okay.. yeah, the money would be a nice bonus!

Thought it would be fun to share the video clip Shayne put together from the first round… with side notes and commentary added by me!

 
[*edit ~ realized my mouth isn't really synchronized with my words. hmm.. worked fine on our computer,
must be something with xanga (?) but hey, this gives me an idea ~ there's always the option of lip-synching! hee hee.]


 = = ~ = = ~ = =


“Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.What if they are a little course, and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice. Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson


This is something I read to my kids today… encouraging them to not be afraid of “new things.”

I think I need to read it again for myself!






amber.

{just thinking}

  

I like to sit up late most nights…

Something that I keep meaning to change. Something that never seems to.

Most especially on Sunday nights…

Don’t know why.

Maybe it’s because once everyone is in bed I like to go through and make sure the house is tidied up and ready for the fresh week ahead. I like to wake up to a tidy house, and a tidy house on Monday of all days seems to kick the week off better. Funny why I feel that way, the tidiness doesn’t stay tidy even halfway through a Monday!!

Still. It’s what I do.  

Once the “tidying’s” done I like to sit and enjoy the quiet.
To read for a bit.
Or write.
To collect my thoughts from the day.
For the day to come…

Here’s the ones I collected tonight~

Thinking back to Thursday this past week when the kids and I had been at the lake all day. It was great. There’s nothing more perfect than spending a day in the sun, in the water. But all that perfectness can make you tired after being in it all day long… this especially applies if you happen to be three years old!

Walking back to the van was a little slower than the enthusiastic walk down that morning, for us all.

Emma lagged far back with her buckets and pails and towel drooped around her shoulders, half falling and dragging the ground behind her.

“Come on baby girl, ” I called to.

She stopped and sat down, 

“but I tan’t!”

I headed down to her little exasperated heap on the grass as she reached her arms up to me.

That’s what you can do when you happen to be three years old…

Be Held.

And that’s what you can do too when you’re child of God.

Anytime. Anyplace.

Weary? Weighed down? Exhausted from the journey?

Stop. Lift your hands.

He always comes to our outstretched arms asking help.

Reaching down,
picking us up,
and holding us close.

“Cast all your anxiety upon him, because he cares for you.”

There was once a fisherman named Peter who penned that simple prescription for anxiety and exhaustion almost twenty centuries ago…

No one has improved on it since.

amber.      

{Potty Break}

Do you ever feel like as a mom that sometimes your only place of solitary quiet in a day is when you go to the bathroom?

Having only one in the house can often be a challenge…
I think I have the largest bladder humanly possible.
And I’m quite sure it’s grown out of pure necessity through the years.!

The fact that our bathroom is upstairs too has aided that fact as well – - waiting to go up until I have another reason to (taking up a load of laundry. going to get dressed. to make beds – some days. but pretty much all our time is spent downstairs).

So usually when I finally make it there it’s because I can’t hold it another second. But it seems no matter what.. even if I’ve just asked each of the kids if they have to go (several times too, just to be sure), when I finally find that little space of time in the bathroom within minutes there’s a light knock at the door, followed by one of three voices…

“But I didn’t have to a minute ago when you asked!!”

    

Tonight, once again, the exact scenario happened. Only it was the youngest member of the family who doesn’t happen to just tap on the door and let me know she has to go ~ she stands outside and repeats over and over in her ever sweet sing song voice,

“it toming out mommy. right now! i tan feel it toming. urry, urry. it toming….”

And I know, because I’ve learned from experience when she says it’s coming. It’s coming!

Mumbling something under my breath about, “every single time I come in here….” I opened the door more quickly than necessary and let my irritation show in the long exasperated sigh that escaped my mouth. 

I was down in the kitchen putting dishes away when what seemed an eternity later, I heard that familiar call…

“mommy. I done!”

Still in a bit of a self pity huff I climbed back up the stairs…
wishing for a uninterrupted potty break like everyone else seemed to get.
wishing the bathroom didn’t have to be all the way upstairs.
wishing for a house with two bathrooms…
Imagine that!

I pushed open the door and looked down at the top of my girl’s messy blonde hair ~ there are moments when your kids seem so big, like they’re growing way too fast. But then there are those moments too where you feel emphatically they are your forever babies. They seem so small. And this was one of those moments she looked still so small to me. Sitting there with her legs sticking straight out, kinda half fallen down in the toilet.

She grinned up at me and said in kinda a shy, sheepish voice,

“i sawry mommy. i need you help.”

I couldn’t hold back the smile at the image of her sitting there. Her precious words. The way she says, “sawry.”

 

My heart melted. Revealing the underlying realization that she isn’t always going to ask me for help, or need my help… certainly not in this way. I hope!

And as I reached for the toilet paper as she jumped off and near did a head stand on the floor in front of me, I scolded myself inwardly for being so short of patience and selfish. After all, with my other girl being almost twelve… and anyone with a almost twelve year old girl, or who remembers being almost twelve yourself, well… Oh my! That’s a whole other post~ But you would think that I would automatically register these days of doing every little thing for them isn’t going to last. That “help” isn’t always going to be simply hurrying up my coveted bathroom times, or climbing the steps to the call of, “I done…” 

I have a feeling that someday I’ll wish the “help” they need from me could only always be so easy!

My mom has often told me, “every stage of parenting has it’s exhausting parts….”

That’s why I know no matter what “stage”of parenting I’m in the only way to offer my kids the help they need is for me to be calling out for help myself!!
Not just a once in the morning, help me through this day kind of thing either.
But a continual, constant conversation that’s never far from my lips – “Lord, I need you.”

No matter what it is…

trying to teach those math problems that look like a foreign language to me…
burning the last four eggs and there’s nothing else for breakfast…
wondering if the bickering between the kids will ever stop…
if I’m doing anything right as a mom…
or when I find I’m the one doing the “can’t hold it jig” outside the bathroom!!

Every day. Every moment. Finding Him faithful to be and do exactly what He says He will~

“God is our refuge and strength, a ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way (yeah, there are those days it feels like the earth is giving way!)…

The LORD Almighty is with us; God is our fortress.

(and why do we make God our fortress, our Help? so we can say….)      

Come and see the works of the LORD. 

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted in the earth.”

The LORD Almighty is with us; He is our fortress.”  – Psalms 46

= = ~ = = ~ = = 

All too soon there will be HOURS to spend in the bathroom, uninterrupted, for as long as I want!

Probably wishing for a little knock on the door that needs something.

Until then I want to be a joyful helper to my kids when they call.

And I know that only happens one way…

especially the joyful part.

  

amber.

 = = ~ = = ~ = = 

Had to share these pictures of Emma and her little friend Gracie in a three-legged race at a recent picnic~

they were so funny to watch!

       

 
…these pictures make me think of the blessing of having the kind of friend that’s not afraid to strap themselves in with you and hobble through the race of life by your side!

       

{I Read this today…}

“I’m six and courage is school bus yellow. I stand on the curb, holding my lunch, and wait for my first day of kindergarten. My sweet mom tells me again that she’ll drive me to school (and she does every day after). But that morning I stubbornly put small feet in patent leather shoes on the steps to independence and ride.

I’m twenty-one and courage is wedding dress white. I wait at the end of an aisle to become a wife. In this  crazy world I make vows that talk about for better or worse and wonder what the future may hold. I choose to risk for love. 

I’m twenty-six and courage is pregnancy test pink. I stand in the bathroom and discover once again I’m ready to start our family but God has other plans. I learn to live in the waiting and discover sometimes bravery simply means remaining in the unknown. I’m still there now.

I’m thirty and courage is shiny laptop silver. I sit in coffee shops, at the library, and outside on our porch writing my first book. It feels like putting my heart on display, like giving birth, like nothing and everything I’d hoped. And it scares me silly.

I’m here now and courage is summer leaf green. I stare out the window at the trees in my yard and hear God’s whisper again, “Be still.” So I stop my whirly-twirly life, let go of my insecurities, and try once more just to be. It is unfamiliar, this place, and my heart pounds harder than if I am going into battle. 

I once thought of courage as a single color—always fire engine red—blazing and bold. But I am finding it is more like a kaleidoscope. It changes with the seasons of our lives, with who we are becoming, with what God is asking our hearts to do. Just when we think we know it, the form alters and we find ourselves seeing it anew.

And through all the shifting this remains—in every color, every life…courage is breathtaking.”     

… It’s late on this Sunday night. Probably almost Monday now. I’m thinking through the week ahead.

I always love the idea of a fresh week ~ like a blank canvas just waiting to explode with the color of the days ahead and what they will hold!

Aware though that the picture doesn’t always turn out as I had planned ~ ~

And as we’re trying to get back into a more consistent schedule around here, along with working on some spiritual staleness, character issues, relationship building, attitude adjustments, and somewhere in there ease (special emphasis on ease!) our way into school mode… I know that yes! courage will be needed to not only face what comes as the week unfolds – but accept it.

Not courage found in some superwoman I think can, I think I can power I muster up from somewhere within . . .

But courage found in the life giving thirst quenching truths of God’s Word ~

The only foundation we can stand upon and know (without a doubt) we’re safe. secure. and being held by “something” far more than our own strength.

Here, I plant my feet and purpose to stand.

So…

 “Hello, new week!”
                                   and by hello, I mean whatever {You} have in store….   
the crazy. the planned. the unexpected. the play time. the tears. the laughs. the hurt feelings. the misunderstandings. the messes. the silliness. the sacred moments. the exasperating ones too… I want to welcome it all. Knowing it’s all part of something so much bigger than just me ~ so.much.bigger.

  

{Disappointment. Time out. And the winner is… }

We have a state park within minutes of our house, and spend tons of time there every summer… boating, swimming, hanging out at the “beach.”

Those of you who live by real beaches would laugh at ours… but it’s sand (sorta!) and shallow water to swim in.. so we don’t complain. (or try!)

We hadn’t been in weeks, with all the other stuff we had going – not to mention we’ve had so much rain this summer, it’s incredible!
I heard somewhere it was the coldest July here in 160 years!!
So swimming hasn’t exactly even been an option.
But the kids have been dying to go…. me too.

Finally yesterday, when I heard the temps were going to hit above 70 we decided to head on up there -

It seems it takes just as long to get everything together and loaded than it does the amount of time we end up staying.
Finally.. we had the towels, blanket, chairs, cooler, noodles, sand toys, sunblock, and cat??
(It jumped in the van while we were loading things up and we didn’t know!)
And off we went.

We were excited when we pulled in the parking lot to see few cars there. Yes, we’re anti social people when it comes to our beach time. We got out and I piled all our gear into every arm available…. I’m sure we appeared to be moving in to the few onlookers!  We headed down over the hill towards the lake… as soon as it came in sight I realized the reason for the empty parking lot.

Our not so great sand, but sand nonetheless beach was nowhere in sight!!

We later heard they had let the river, which was flooded, into the lake – causing it to flood out of it’s banks as well, and washing away our coveted little beach!

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(Kate and Ben standing on the sidewalk that runs behind where the beach usually is)

(you can see how murky the water is – ick!)

The kids initial reaction was disappointment – - it wasn’t what they thought it was going to be!!
Certainly not as nice. Or inviting…

Once in the water though they seemed to forget the missing sandy beach…

laughing. splashing. swimming. surfing?
(yep – one who believes you truly can in a lake!!:))

(“I doe-ing to spash you mommy!!)

I love that about kids…

Their quick recovery to what happens in life.
Their easy contentment.
Their purpose in making the most of the moment.
Finding the fun regardless.

 
As I sat from my grassy spot and watched, I thought about how I want to respond to disappointments that come my way exactly the same.
 

Whoever said Life is 10% what happens to you and 90 % how you choose to respond to it – - well, they got it DEAD ON!

 

 

Emma asked me to go for a walk with her…
she said she found a “walking stick” for me that was just my size.

That is one sturdy looking stick, eh?

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Went out last night by myself for the first time in a long time.
I love alone time like that every now and then ~ I feel so recharged afterwards.
Just to grab a coffee and sit at the bookstore and browse through piles of books for a few hours – -
or take my notebook and Bible and find a picnic table at a park to read and write and spend some time talking to the Lord. 

On my way home I was thinking about something that I’m going to tomorrow and how nice it would be to have a new dress for it. Knowing the extra money wasn’t really there, I began conniving in my mind how I could make this work – money appearing out of thin air! I remembered a consignment store I’d taken some clothes to months back.. I’d already gotten paid from them and wasn’t sure if they sold everything or not. It wasn’t far from where I was, so I headed over that way…

As I started to get out of the van I felt prompted to do something…
I closed the door back, and bowed my head.
Praying a simple prayer that God would provide a dress and the money to pay for it!!

When I walked in, the first dress I saw I loved! It was one of those times where I knew.. without even having to look, it was my size!!
In the back I found a pair of shoes that matched perfectly as well – and yup, just my size!!

But now the deciding point… I walked up to the counter and asked the lady to check my account to see if I had any money with them.

She pulled out a huge book and began thumbing through. Coming to the H’s and running her finger down, then across the page…

“Nope. Nothing here…”

My heart sunk.
I turned to put the dress and shoes back.

“Wait a minute… I’m sorry.”

I turned back.

“Did you say Hutchins? I was looking under Hutchinson…. we actually do have money for you.”

As she told me the amount all I could was smile – - a huge smile!!
It was the exact amount I needed!!

even had enough for these cute shoes too~ BCBG for 4 bucks!!

Incredible when God chooses to provide for us in ways like that ~ so humbling.

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I’ve had this big piece of steel for months now to hang in Ben’s room ~ I want it to go over his bed. Shayne has some old barn board to frame it up with…

But I haven’t hung it yet because I’m not sure if it’s too shiny.  I don’t want it to look like a giant foggy mirror!

Opinions?

And is there a way to make the steel look less shiny?

His wall is pretty beat up right over his bed – - and instead of repainting the whole wall, and by that, the whole room… I was trying to come up with a creative cover up!!

Cosmetic Decorating as my mom calls it!!

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While taking these shots of the kids last week there was one little kitten wanting in on the action…

and one little girl who wanted to help him in his endeavor.

 

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*drumroll please*

The winner of the “Dolly giveaway” ~

MelissaJoy77

The kids chose the number 10.

Message me your address, Melissa and I’ll get that mailed out to ya right away. Woo-Hoo!! Congrats~

This was so fun to do…  loved it! Might need to make it a habit on here every now and then. Kinda has something to do with my love language I guess. ha ~;)

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Gonna head out and work in my flowers this afternoon…

They look terrible. I seriously think they’re waterlogged!!!

I’ve got tomatoes about to pick.
And peppers too…

I’m pretty excited about those! I’ve never been a veggie gardener~

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Have a great weekend!

And pray for me tomorrow around 11:30 if you think of it~ I kinda got myself into something crazy…

I’ll blog about it next week.. if I survive!

amber.