The past month I spent what felt like an eternity sitting on the couch in my living room…

Reading.
Writing.
Schooling.
Watching tv.

AND…

Thinking of how much that room needed a good cleaning and re arranging.

So, when I felt some bursts of energy coming back this week, I set at it.

One particular area was really bugging me – -

I stuck the pumpkins here when I put up the fall decor but never liked them..
.. they’re too shiny or something.
Maybe I can take some spray paint to ‘em!

So – Wanting something different for this space I decided to go shopping –

in my house that is!


A picture from the kitchen.
Some baskets from Kate’s room.
“Inspire” from the upstairs hall.
And the chair my grandma gave me from our room…


I like the look better now.

(3 generations of brides)

Here’s before/after side by side::

  
 

I ended up moving the furniture around too – nothing overly drastic…
but just kinda gives it a new feel.


bEfoRe::

 

aFter::

side by side before/ after as you walk into the room::

 

and before/after across the room:: {just subtle little swap outs here & there}

It closes the room down some. But I like the cozy feel… seems nice for fall.

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”


I used to think that was my mom’s original quote, she said it enough when we were growing up.
I’ve since discovered it was actually Teddy Roosevelt.
But I’m grateful mom instilled that concept in me…

When the urge to have a new look strikes, you don’t have to go out and spend money.
Look around you –
re arrange.. exchange..

Sure, there’s a few bare spots in some rooms that need filled now. 
That’s the fun of it though….
getting to find and figure out the “filler pieces.”

 

I’ve always been a huge Pillow fan.
I like lots.. in every kind of fabric and color.

And they seem to be an easy way to change things up, or freshen a look..
I traded out the plaid that were on the couch for some others in our bedroom.
Grabbing a few browns from Kate’s as well.
She said she didn’t mind….
“It means less pillows for me to put on my bed each morning!”  

 

The brown chair below has been in my life for as long as I’ve been alive pretty much..
I can remember coming downstairs as a little girl, early in the morning
and seeing my dad kneeling in front of it praying.

The springs are near shot, and I’d love to have it reupholstered..
It’s so special to me = like a piece of my dad.

 

Funny, when you ‘fix’ one area it seems you notice another….
Every time I’d walk in the living room all I was seeing was the big map hanging over the kids school corner – -
I didn’t like it.
But since they use it often I couldn’t take it down.

I got to thinking if it didn’t look so much like a “standard U.S. map” maybe it wouldn’t bother me so much~
so I burnt the edges to try to give it a more worn look.

Almost burnt up Mexico in the process.. but, it’s still there!

So next time the urge strikes to have something new or different look no further than what you already have ~


ShOp tHe hOusE…

 
you might be surprised at the great things you find!

     

  

{these things}

 

this morning I read…

“Whatsoever things are tRue, whatsoever things are juSt, whatsoever things are puRe, whatsoever things are hoNeSt, whatsoever things are lOvelY, whatsoever things are of gOod rEpoRt; if there be any viRtue, if there be any prAise, think on THESE THINGS.“  ~Phil.4

wow. that eliminates alot of my thoughts right there. ha~

good reminder for me right now. for this day.

and every day after for that matter too! 

 

“If you think you’re too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito.”



this quote made me laugh, but also to think along the lines that every thought… no matter how seemingly small… if not replaced with tRuth will effect my life.

I lived in Canada for two years (mosquito capitol) – so I know what it’s like to hear that irritating buzz and not know exactly when it’s going to strike… there were many nights of getting up, looking for that little booger, wanting to find it before it found me! There was no rest to be had until I did~

to me – that’s the idea of “taking thoughts captive.”

squashing them before they bite you!



“We don’t act upon what we know, we act upon what we believe.” – my mom

“The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian does make me a different kind of woman. For I have accepted God’s idea of me, and my whole life is an offering back to Him of all that I am and all that He wants me to be.” – Elisabeth Elliot

{Being healed}


Thank you seems far too shallow to say, compared to the depth of gratefulness I feel for all the ones God has used to bring me to Himself during this time~

But since I can’t seem to think of any new way to improve on it I guess thank you will have to do…

I really was overwhelmed and brought to tears more than once by the outpouring of care and thoughtfulness through your comments. private messages. calls. cards. and facebook as well. I hope to answer each of you personally.. because each spoke to me THAT personally and I want to answer back.

To those of you ladies that wrote and shared of your own journey of loss – I was immensely touched. And many of you have went through heartache much greater. Mine paled in comparison …  I so appreciate your transparency in sharing your pain.

I think for all of us as women, whether we’ve lost a child or not… even had children of our own or not.. we have that common bond of a mother’s heart instilled in us. So we get and understand this kind of hurt and longing. What a comfort knowing NONE OF US ARE ALONE. So neat of God to design things that way…

And throughout this I’ve been reminded that we (especially as women) have been given those tender GIFTS of compassion and sensitivity…. Equipped BY GOD to feel the pain of others. To be able to reach out and touch and bless and encourage. Because everyone.. EVERYONE carries some hurt inside that needs covered by the balm of His love.

What a powerful thing to be an instrument of that healing love to others! 

   

I feel motivated in a fresh and alive new way to want to be just.that to those around me~


“We are never nearer Christ than when we find ourselves lost in a holy amazement at His unspeakable love.”



thankyou.thankyou.thankyou.


= = ~ = = ~ = =


This weekend was hard…

but it seems the waiting is now over.

It was interesting to me that all this began on September 4th~ little breath of a baby that I didn’t know was there.

And it “ended” October 4th~ little dream of a baby I’ll hold someday to come….

 

I won’t lie… I felt a bit of relief knowing the worst is over.

I so want to feel normal again physically. To have energy. A appetite.

To do the things I want to do and need to do as a wife. mom. homeschooler (that’s kinda taken a hard hit).

But still, there’s a vein of sadness running through me too at the final-ness of it all.


“For you created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in secret.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days you ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”


Psalm 139.

 


= = ~ = = ~ = =


I really desired to have that “Facing the Giants.Faith Like Potatoes.Through Gates of Splendor” kind of heart through this process…

But as I stand at the end and realize,
no. the game wasn’t won in the last few nail biting seconds.
there isn’t any unbelievable potatoes underneath the surface.
and I’m pretty sure my life will never mirror that of a Jim Elliot’s….

Still.

It’s in these pivotal moments that I’ve learned faith is not some great inspiring movie, or super hero Christian that I rouse inside myself..

It is accepting the storyline He has chosen for my life.
It is knowing He is a God of purpose..  and everything has a reason.
It is grasping that His sphere of operating is far beyond my own.
And it is believing that though I don’t understand the why? behind all He does…
I trust WHO HE IS in whatever He does.

These are the simple truths that breed great faith.

Surrender.
Trust.

And these are the truths I want my heart anchored to.

    

“Don’t allow the questions of your heart to overturn your faith.. Allow your faith to overturn the questions of your heart.”


= = ~ = = ~ = =


I’ve thought of the story in Mark 5 alot lately….
About the woman who was healed from touching the hem of Jesus’ garment.

Though our glimpse of her is so brief, in those few verses I see a life expand before me.
A life I can identify with in my own. 

She had a “issue” that needed healed by the Lord….

I have several.

She must have been on her hands and knees to reach His hem… was she hiding? Felt unsure? Doubted?

I know what it’s like to wonder if you’re the exception to who HE IS.

And when the Lord knew power had went out of Him He asked, “Who touched me?”
I like how the disciples start explaining to Him the situation…
“Uh… There’s hundreds of people here Lord, and you ask, ‘Who touched you?’ ”

I guess I would have fit in pretty well with those guys..
how often in the last few weeks have I found myself “explaining” things to God
“Yoo – Hoo… remember me? Do you know what’s happening here?”

Of course Jesus was fully aware who had touched Him.
He wasn’t talking to His disciples…
He was talking to the woman.
He was inviting her to come closer.
To be honest.
To be real.

I’ve heard Him ask the same of me.

The Bible says she was afraid…

I’ve felt that too – - afraid to get close to Him. Afraid to be honest. To be real.

“And she told Him all the truth.”

I love that~!

There on that dusty. dirty. crowded street she stood and poured her heart out to God.
Somehow I have a feeling it was more than simply the truth about touching His robe…
Perhaps ALL the truth included every hurt and insecurity and fear and question and doubt.

And the most beautiful part of all to me – -

The Lord listened.

I don’t know how long it took.
If she was like me – it took awhile.

But oh, the comfort it is to know we can tell Him ALL the truth.
whatever we are feeling.
whatever we are facing.
He’s concerned.
He cares…

I think of how often I’ll say to one of my kids, “Tell me what’s on your mind.”
Even if I already know, or have a clue..
I ask because I want them to tell me..
I want them to know they can trust me.
Their feelings are safe with me.
They can share whatever…
and NOTHING they say or do can disarm my love.
I tell them that. I think they know
But I want them to understand it even more…
even deeper.

As the Ultimate Parent isn’t He the same?
But so much more… so much MORE  !

And after He listens to her He then tells her she is whole…

So wasn’t she healed the instant she touched Him?

I’m not a theologian, or even someone who likes looking up words in the Greek and Hebrew…

But for me, this is what I’ve thought and wondered and where it gets very (very,very) personal to me~

She was healed physically, yes. But perhaps ALL the truth she revealed to Him that day were things that had plagued her soul for years… 

Reminding me that God DOES heal our bodies physically. He can and is more than able to…

but how much more does He long to heal our souls!

This past month I prayed so intensely for God to save my baby.
To heal my body.
To confound the doctors.
To give us the testimony of the century that would bring glory to His name.

But I began to see how God chooses to get glory is often different than I think.

the healing He was wanting to bring me went far beyond physical -
there were “issues” in my life pulsating through my entire being..
struggles for years I’ve had.
fears brought to the surface.
insecurities realized.
wrong motives identified.
lies believed.

And if taking another little baby from us was the operating table God had to use…
removing the “diseases” that plagued me…
bringing healing to my soul~
As painful as His scalpel can be at times,
I trust my heart in His hands.

      


I’m convinced that everything in life ties back to one thing~
finding my complete satisfaction in Him.

Yes.
There is a reason for every longing..
for every question..
for every empty place we feel..

The reason is Him.

And only in Him can we find true healing and be made WHOLE.


= = ~ = = ~ = =



“… We please Him most not by frantically trying to make ourselves good, but by throwing ourselves into His arms with all our imperfections, and believing that He understands everything – and loves us still.” A.W. Tozer

 

“my song through this”

      

{Baby Journal Excerpts}

I know some of you are already aware of what’s been happening here in this last month… thank you so much for your prayers.

The past few days have been a bit overwhelming (and I don’t mean that in a bad way at all. I’m so very grateful, truly.) with the amount of emails and calls and messages from friends… and so in an attempt to answer everyone at the same time I thought I’d copy some of the journal I’ve scribbled out by hand throughout these past weeks so you can know more details and where things are at now… 

= = ~ = = ~ = =

September 4th~

Ladies Retreat today.

Began spotting… felt a bit disappointed.

Know God knows best.

Trust.

September 12th~

Been a weird past few weeks. Not feeling good. So tired. Bleeding on and off. Nothing consistent. Weird cycle?

Shayne suggested tonight that I should maybe take a pregnancy test.

There’s no way I could be!

He reminded me I had bleeding with my other pregnancies. So… maybe? 

Hope.

September 14th~

Went to dollar store tonight and bought a pregnancy test.  Still… not having an inkling of a clue I could be… (except extreme tiredness)

I’ve been spotting for 12 days now.

I took the test and immediately left the room not wanting to look…
been down this road too many times the past few years.

Came back awhile later and peeked around the cabinet….
Saw a (l) and (x)… had never taken a test like this before…
had to get the box out of the garbage can to see what it meant.

POSITVIE!

I was stunned. elated. nervous.

I had imagined the way I would surprise Shayne.. as I’ve done with the other pregnancies..
but this time I couldn’t wait.
He was at Ben’s football practice and I called him up and said simply between a few excited sobs…

“You were right. I’m pregnant!”

Believe.
 

September 15th~

Can’t believe I’m pregnant…
so soon after the miscarriage…
and with all the spotting I’ve had.

Wondering if the pregnancy test was wrong… after all, it was from the dollar store!

Mom came over this afternoon with two of the most expensive tests you can buy.
Took them both.
Both positive.

Worried that one line was lighter than the other…
the instructions said, “The lines not being the same in color does not matter. Two lines are a positive pregnancy.”

Okay.

Still feeling concerned with the bleeding and previous miscarriage.. so called the midwives that delivered Emma.

They didn’t have an opening for several weeks.
The receptionist suggested I find someone else to give me a confirmation test, and check the bleeding…

I called a few offices. Even the one where the doctor made me feel crazy for wanting another baby at my age…
no one wanted to see me unless I was going to be their full time patient. Unless they were the ones I was planning to deliver the baby!

A person could hemorrhage to death in the meantime.

Major Major Major answer to prayer later in the day…  
midwives office called back and said they were going to work me in!!

I go tomorrow.

September 16th~

Midwives visit this morning…

Felt strange to be back at that office… seems I was just there. But then again – not. 

I forgot how much I liked my midwives.
I didn’t forget how much I don’t like giving blood.   

The midwife thinks I might be further along… wants to do an ultra sound soon if my beta count is high enough…

It’s starting to sink in on me that maybe.. just maybe… we’re pregnant!!

can’t wait to tell the kids~
they’ve been praying right along with us.
Talk so much about it – - so believing.
Not “if” we have another baby, but “when” we do…

reminded we walk by faith, not sight.
but how exciting to see when faith becomes sight~

I think that excites me more than anything… for the kids to SEE!

Thank you Jesus for this new little one.

September 17th~

Midwife called this morning. Beta count is excellent. Going in for ultra sound this afternoon. 

Feel nervous.

Ultra sound tech. was like Gestapo Woman! Rather gruff and grumpy. Obviously didn’t like me asking questions.

Another midwife, different than the one I saw the day before, met with me afterwards…

she said they saw the gestational sac, but not the fetal pole.

I thought she was saying, fetal “pull”…
came home and googled and discovered it’s the fetal pole and why they call it that.
Google is amazing!

Though for those of us that believe life begins at conception.. to me, it’s a BABY.

The midwife said also there wasn’t necessarily cause for alarm – - could just be too soon to see.
And that my beta count was so high…. which was a good sign.

Have to go back next week for another ultra sound.

feel worry begin to creep over my heart…

Shayne reminds me often throughout the afternoon to take my thoughts captive~!

In an attempt to do just that – stick truth over the lies, I was reading through Psalms.
didn’t realize exactly where I was reading, I mean – it’s not like I planned it,
when I came upon this verse…

“My substance was not hid from you, while in my mother’s womb….”

I felt comfort flood in at this thought.

Though the ultra sound did not show the baby… he is not hidden from God!

He knows exactly where that tiny “fetal pole” is ~
It is HIS creation.
His plan.

“My soul, wait though only upon God. And hope in His Word.”

Okay, I will.

We told the kids tonight…

Shayne set an extra place at the table and when the kids came in they looked at it curiously…

“Is someone coming for dinner?” Ben asked.

“Yes…” said Shayne.

“But they won’t be here until next May.” I added.

Both Kate and Ben’s faces immediately lit up! They knew.
they laughed and clapped and jumped up and down.

Emma was still confused and once it was communicated plainly, ”Mommy’s having a baby!” She was up jumping with the rest~

I showed the kids the pregnancy test’s I had taken, and Emma said excitedly…

“THREE babies??”

I feel their joy dispelling my fears….

I touch my belly often and whisper,
“Hold on Baby. Hold on”
 

  
September 18th~

Midwife that I saw on my first visit called this morning to just reassure me that she thinks all is fine. Just too early to see the baby.. 

I do feel reassured. I asked her about my continued spotting. She said it wasn’t of much concern. To simply keep an eye on it.
They’re more concerned with cramping, she explained. Many women bleed all throughout their pregnancies at some point or another.

I told her I knew that… I read it on google!

I went out with Susie tonight… so happy she was in town so I could share the news in person with her.

what a beautiful sister/friend she has been in my life.

Later, while we walked around Target I started feeling unusually sick.
Went to the restroom to discover some pretty significant bleeding, and yes.. with cramps! 

Funny that I’d be at Target.
So many crisis’ in my life have found me in Target…
What’s with that?
Still, I love the store. It feels like an old familiar friend.
no wonder… 

Drove home with lots of fear settling in.
want to hold on to hope…
 
but not feeling it.

September 19th~

It’s Saturday and Shayne is working.

Have to stay off my feet now.
Bleeding seems to have picked up. Light cramping occasionally.

When Shayne came home for lunch he sat down next to me on the couch…
almost unexpected and seemingly from nowhere the tears came flooding out.

I felt angry.

“God wouldn’t be so cruel to let this happen again?”

We have been so filled with hope. so excited. so sure.

Would He really….?

I so wanted to go to Ben’s game today.. Shayne thought it better to stay home.

When I told him, “buddy.. I’m sorry I can’t go to the game this afternoon…”

He smiled and said, “that’s okay. I’d rather have a baby brother… ” then another smile, “or sister…”

That makes my heart hurt worse.

September 20th~

Things seem improved.

I hate the waiting. The not knowing. The emotional roller coaster…

I also hate the toilet. It’s my new phobia!

And google.. google would have to be my second!

One minute I’m relieved with what I read…
the next – full of dread!

September 21st~

“Only in acceptance is peace…”

When I read this it struck a chord with me.

There is nothing I can do to change the outcome of what will happen.
I can struggle and fight and be angry…
Or I can unclench my fists and let go.

Let God be God and let that be enough for me. Not need an explanation or understanding why.

Unclenching is hard.
So is letting Him be God.

Kate is wonderful. I never really knew. Well, I did. But not to the depth of wonderful she is!
Ben smiles at me alot. He’s not as in tune as Kate, but he’s so kind. I never lack for fresh, cold water.  

They’ve both gotten a biology lesson through this. I guess that’s a good thing.

I feel hope on the horizon again…

I wish the sun would be.
Why is there always rain when your spirits are low?

“Hold on baby. Hold on.”

September 22nd~

Shayne told me he’d just meet me at the doctor’s office tomorrow morning..
I went to pieces.
And they all hit him.

He didn’t have a clue.

He catches on fast though.

He’s now staying home in the morning and driving me to the appointment.

I wouldn’t want to kill anyone due to my crying behind the wheel~ regardless of outcome, I know I’ll cry.

Been thinking alot about the verses in Mark 9…

the father who plead with Jesus to heal his son.

I love this father.. I think I get his heart.  

The father says to the Lord, “If you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.”

“And Jesus said unto him, If you can believe, all things are possible to him that believes.”

“And right away the father of the child cried out, with tears; Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!”

So much my prayer.. “If you can – Help us, Lord! I do believe You.. but help that part that still doubts!!!”

September 23~

My second ultra sound is today.

I feel kinda numb. My heart is pounding out of my chest…
I’m pretty sure I’ll hear today the baby is gone.

I sat in the room with my paper blanket covering me..
my legs were shaking from being cold…
and nervous too, I’m sure.

Shayne tried to steady them.
He smiled at me.
He’s always so calm.
so confidant in the Lord.

I looked up at the ceiling to blink the tears back.
shutting my eyes I said out loud,
“I believe.. help my unbelief.”

The ultra sound tech. was a different lady. Or girl rather.. so young.
so jabbery and wanting to explain everything.
Her voice sounded like it was coming from a barrel.
I just wanted it to be done.
My legs were still shaking.

Afterwards she said Shayne and I could wait in the library area. “for privacy.”
I knew that wasn’t good. Why would we need privacy?

The doctor finally came to get us. He looked like Jeff Berry.
I don’t know what his name even is. I think I’ll call him, Jeff – just cause.

We followed him to his office. He must be a photographer, there were pictures everywhere. And very good.
He started off his sentence with, “I’m sorry…. “

I felt a lump rise to my throat. but no tears.

After explaining some things, I asked a few questions…
He began looking over my chart.
Excusing himself from the office, and coming back a few minutes later said,

“I have to apologize… I had you confused with another patient of mine that’s further along than you.. I spoke out of turn when you first came in. I can’t really say confidently you will lose this pregnancy. The gestational sac has grown and there appears to be the beginning of something else growing in there… so, there’s a little hope.”

Did he just say hope? Who cares if he said “little”… a little hope was good enough for us!

Instantly I had the scene from the movie, “Facing the Giants” come to mind.. where they tell the lady she’s not pregnant. Then, realize they have her chart mixed up with another.

I was half expecting him to go on, “Actually, we saw a very healthy 3 month old baby. Heard the heartbeat. All is great!”

Even though I was just there…
I saw it with my own eyes….
Still….
funny how your thoughts want to run on just that “little hope.”

We’re scheduled for another ultra sound next week.

“Hold on baby. Hold on.”

September 24th~

I was home alone last night.

didn’t realize I had missed a call on my cell phone…
listened to the voice mail.
It was Grams.. calling to pray for me.

She does this often. Calls and prays on my voice mail. I have them all saved.

As I listened to her prayer tears flowed down my cheeks.
I felt the question I didn’t really want the Lord to ask, being asked…
 
“If I take this little one.. will you still believe?”

I want to lift my hands in surrender and let out a hearty, “Yes!”
But the word gets stuck in my throat just a bit…

Instead I fold my arms around my waist and curl up in a ball on the couch and whisper quietly,

“okay.”

September 25th~

Had been feeling good. feeling hopeful…

Bleeding has started again.

I wonder if someone could just sit on the couch for nine months with their legs crossed really tight?

I avoid the bathroom as long as possible. It seems to be my emotional meter.

I hate this – - one day, good. The next, not.

And why doesn’t someone design dark colored tp already?
What’s wrong with black? Maybe even blue? Pink might be alright…
but WHITE!!??

I know there’s more creative people out there than that!

and while on the subject of people..
I have to say… People’s insensitivity really amazes me at times.
ya know – “I love you. I care.” works for most people, most of the time.
and it’s not too hard to say.

Shayne said to me earlier it’s obvious I’m pregnant.

What is that supposed to mean?

September 26th~

This is a day I really hate being a woman!
If it weren’t for that, none of this would even be happening.

And in case you haven’t noticed lately – the WHOLE world is pregnant!
Seems there’s more women than men in population.

Even my cat is pregnant.

I was watching Ellen Degeneres this morning and she announced “her wife” is going to have a baby…

Watching ABC news later and saw a report on 17 high school girls who made a pact with each other to get pregnant in their senior year…
all 17 are pregnant.

Television really is a blessing and curse – just like google!

Does life make sense? Usually not from my perspective.

Emma has been quite a challenge lately….
she’s used to me doing so much with her.
and being up and moving..

I got snappy with her today and instantly felt convicted.
Here I am obsessing over this baby inside that I might never hold,
and the children I have that are very alive and well I’m treating like crap!

I asked her forgiveness. and she was delighted to play Memory Match like, 20 times in a row! 

Mom has been beyond incredible during all this.
She’s such a comfort.

Maybe I’m glad I’m a woman if I can be one like her.

I think of Jode, Tracy, Michal and Jen alot~
friends of mine that have lost their babies.
Some never held them.
Some held them for a time.

wow. my heart has expanded for couples who have been through this way more than me.
or cannot have children.
or after a brief time on earth, lose their child.

When you think your heartache is great – there’s always someone whose had theirs break a little bit more.

grateful for kate. ben. emma.

September 27th~

Stayed home from church today…

Listened to a beautiful message, “I know the Father Loves Me.”

Tears. Acceptance. Release. Worship.

It is so easy to think that when bad things happen it’s because He doesn’t care –
Instead of seeing it the opposite, it’s BECAUSE He does!

Love is not only something God does, love is something God IS.
God would have to stop being in order to stop loving.

Do I really believe that all that happens to me is filtered through His ultimate amazing unconditional love… ?

Feelings say not. My faith says differently.
Weak though it may be — Listen to faith, Amber!

Ben said tonight he was afraid my bum would grow to the couch!
I got out and cleaned off the patio…
just to prove to Ben, no – the couch was not attached!

“Hold on baby. Hold on.”

September 28th~

The bleeding has pretty much subsided.

Feeling cautiously excited…

I believe – though help my unbelief – all will be well tomorrow on my 3rd ultra sound!

I’m reminded tonight life is so much more than me – - the picture so much bigger – - the purpose so much broader.

To only have His will exchanged for mine.
I know it’s what I would want and choose if I knew all the facts.

My sight is so small. So limited.
Like looking through a keyhole.
I see now. Want now.

But life is much more than now. So much more!

I hope tomorrow I can remember that.

September 29th~

My doctor/ midwives office is at a health complex.

Every visit I’ve gone to, and I remember this with Emma as well, you feel rather “weird” as a pregnant lady (though I didn’t look pregnant yet… still, I felt it!), walking in with these fit, buff exercise guru’s of women in their cute little tennis skirts, swirling their tennis racquet in one hand, and carrying their tall skim non fat latte, no doubt, in the other!

Though once upstairs in the crowded waiting room surrounded by all the very obviously pregnant women, I suddenly wanted to be back downstairs with the tennis babes.

I liked the sight of them better. 

3rd ultra sound… 3rd different tech. Very sweet. Very patient. Felt like I was in science class she explained things so well.

Saw the yolk sac that was new from the week before… she said there should be that tiny little “fetal pole” hanging somewhere in there….

Also, saw another “possible sac. could have been a twin?”

Kept zooming in as far as she could checking the other sac for a sign of the baby…

although she never could “see” it – - I felt a bit hopeful since I knew the growth of the yolk sac was something new from last week.

Afterwards met with our “Dr.Jeff” again… still, don’t know his last name exactly.

He said that yes, there was a yolk sac.. but the gestational sac appeared to be more oblong in shape, not round as it should be.

He felt more confident to tell us now that, “Yes. It looks like this will be a miscarriage… We should just be seeing more of the baby at this stage.”

I questioned about the yolk sac. He said my body hadn’t figured out yet it wasn’t pregnant… and it could be that way for some time.

How strange that sounded. And is.
Pregnant. But not?

He said he had no idea how long it would take me to miscarry… since obviously my body can miscarry on it’s own, he wanted to wait and see if it would once more, before resorting to a D&C.
The other’s though were much more cut and dry than this – - never so prolonged and seemingly endless… it’s been almost a month since I first started spotting!

And so… I’m back to waiting.

This time the waiting seems… I can’t even describe it.
Before it was waiting with hope. anticipation.
Wanting to protect my baby and do all I could to ensure he was safe.

Now…. waiting for him to die? How does one “wait” on something like that?

I thought of the verse.. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick…”

Yeah.. I guess my heart feels a little sick.
I can see the questions swirling around my mind.
The fear knocking at my heart.

But also think of the verse that I love love love – “When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the Rock that is higher than I….”

I can feel all the questions. thoughts. fears.. being held at bay.
I know it’s HIM.
His peace.
His grace.

It was hard to tell the kids.
Hard to see them struggle.
We prayed together.

Kate wrote a poem later for the baby. I cried.

Feel weird. The bleeding has stopped again.
Don’t really feel that hopeful now though..
don’t really know how to feel.

Trust.

regardless.

Trust.

September 30th~

Waiting still.

There are those times in life where you feel the Lord reach down and take your chin in His hands, ever so gently,  lifting your face heavenward…

This is one of those times.

and where I started this journey saying, “Hold on baby. Hold on….”

I hear those words echoing back to me…

Though, the roles have reversed.

Now, I’m the child….

hearing her Father say as a parent the same, “Hold on baby. Hold on.” 

my grip feels a little weak. my resolve not so determined. my faith not so sure.

still…

I whisper back, through tears even now…

“I am. I’m holding on.”

amber.

{Life is much more than “now”}

“When our plans are interrupted, His are not.  His plans are proceeding exactly as scheduled, moving us always (including those minutes or hours or years which seem most useless or wasted or unendurable) toward the goal of true maturity.”

“The will of God is never exactly what you expect it to be.  It may seem to be much worse, but in the end it’s going to be a lot better and a lot bigger.”

“God is God.  Because He is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience.  I will find rest nowhere but in His Holy will, a will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to.” 

*all quotes by Elisabeth Elliot, a woman who certainly knew what it meant to lose her will in His.

 

{mis·cel·la·ne·ous}                                
               

A steady rain has fallen here pretty much the whole entire day.

All the windows are open…
I love the methodical sound it creates hitting the ground.
almost musical.

It’s been a cozy, lazy day of sorts to sit inside..
get this and that done.
Look through a few pics from the past week or so.

The kids are out playing in their treehouse.
I can hear them..
I think Emma is signing one of her silly made up songs.
Probably something about rain.

It brings back some fun memories as I listen..
I used to love playing in the rain.
Except we grew up in the city…
and when it rained the sewers would flood,
washing down the streets like skinny rivers on either side.
Scott and I would go out barefoot and run and splash.
I think we even tried taking an innertube down it a time or two.

And since I mentioned my big brother..
here’s an old picture of us I thought I’d stick up.
Just cause it makes me smile.

Were we ever so young?

 

= = ~ = = ~ = =

I planted some morning glory seeds back in the summer and kinda rather forgot about them…

they ended up growing all around the back door.

 

They’re just about the only pinks and purples left outside around here~
every thing else is either dead, soon will be, or red, brown or orange !

I love that they’re still blooming.

They strike me like a happy sort flower…

In the morning when the sun is full on them they’re huge and open and glorious (like their name).

As the day fades they curl back up…

waiting for the sun to shine again the next day.

= = ~ = = ~ = =

Something we did on another rainy day not long ago was take an afternoon at the bookstore.

Bookstores are more inviting to me than even the library…

they’re homey.

The comfy chairs. Smell of coffee. and classical music quietly playing in the background.

I find the only time I really enjoy classical music is when I’m reading.

Emma found this amazing pop-up book of, The Wizard of Oz.

I think pop-up books are one of the most ingenuous inventions!

How cool for the story to literally come OFF the page!

Kate found a super neat book for girls called something like , “Secret Instructions Every Girl Should Know…”

One instruction being how to get gum out of your hair… and it’s a good thing she knew how a few days later !! :/

Ben was reading about sharks, and when he came to the hammerhead shark he said,

“Mom, I feel kinda sorry for them. How would you like your head to look like that!”

Thing that makes his statement even funnier to me is HE’s SERIOUS..
he really does feel sorry for them.
That’s just my sweet boy!

I can’t help but to crack up at times at the walking contradiction he seems to be of toughness and sensitivity.
And I hope he never changes. I love him just that way.

He also found a bat puppet that he thought we needed to buy..
in case our real one comes back.

“He might see this bigger, furrier looking one and get scared away.” (?)

or maybe.. he could just make that face and scare it away!!

 

AND, I found this great book… filled with some pretty neat creativity.

So many detail things I love.

I heard once that decorating is all in the details – I think it’s true.

A peek inside…

 

  

A new thing I’m in love with.. which isn’t really a decorating item, but then again, is.. since smell does create atmosphere –
that’s all the great fall scented candles they bring out this time of year.

I would burn a candle constantly if I could. 

I almost do.

= = ~ = = ~ = =

A new love for the kids is chess…

 

I’m their favorite person to play with by the way since I haven’t a clue what I’m doing!

But, I’m learning…

so watch out.

= = ~ = = ~ = =

My camera had been broken since the first show of Hello Dolly…  

 

took it in to the camera store and they said it was a bent pin in the memory card slot.

Had to be sent to Canon, would cost roughly 350 dollars, and would be gone for about 6 -8 weeks.

Which I’m no sort of photographer, but just sorta picture taking crazy.. and 6-8 weeks without my camera sounded like forever.

I found a local man that works on camera’s and he thought he could fix it. After a week there, he determined, no.. he couldn’t.

He said he’d mail it in to Canon for me. Once again quoting me 300- 350, and taking up to 8 weeks.

I’d heard some other people tell stories of their dealings with Canon (all positive) and decided to mail it in myself..

The once thought nice little camera man, turned into a cranky mean one when I told him I’d mail it myself. Assuring me it would take twice as long…

Well, long story short.. after talking to a very helpful Canon rep guy – mailed my camera in, and about one WEEK (not weeks) later it was back.

Not seeing a bill enclosed for the estimated 350 or so I called.. the lady checked the records and said,

“Oh, it was fixed free of charge…

and actually…

it’s a new camera!”

I was beyond thrilled. I had fretted and wondered how I would ever pay for the repair – - -

remember, THAT’s the whole reason I ended up doing the crazy singing competition thing. :/

And here God had made a way all along.
More than made a way…
He went in, plowed down every assumption, expectation, and plot I could come up with and simply…

handed me a brand spankin new one!!

 

God is good all the time..
but when He gives us these little special gifts it’s just icing on the cupcake!

= = ~ = = ~ = =

Speaking of cupcakes…

time for dinner.

My mom brought over her homemade meat loaf, some baked potatoes and corn!!!

She’s an amazing cook. And really should have been Paula Deen. But that’s okay – I’m glad she’s MY mom, and glad she cooks for me every now and then just because she’s sweet that way.

Mom’s meatloaf is the perfect comfort food to wrap up this rainy day.

= = ~ = = ~ = =

This word gives me a contented feeling every time I see it~

  
 
Which is why I put it over my kitchen sink.. so I can see it often.


= = ~ = = ~ = =


I know these make alot of people crazy this time of year with allergies.. but I think they’re pretty.

= = ~ = = ~ = =

“Everyday is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.”

  

{Fall-ing}

“First day of Fall 2009 – Northern Hemisphere

For the Northern Hemisphere, as in the United States, Canada and most of Europe, Fall begins on September 22, 2009 at 5:18 pm EDT.

Note: Fall is also known as autumn – and lasts from the autumnal equinox (September) to the winter solstice (December).”

Even though it hasn’t officially begun, we’re feeling it’s effects settling here in the midwest… especially in the cool morning’s and even cooler nights.

Fall is always a bit melancholic to me… I find myself keeping track of the “lasts” of summer.

Last time at the little water park the kids love going to.. which was great! We were the only ones there.. since all the other kids are back in school. and all the home schoolers are {obviously} at home doing school like they’re supposed to be doing. And our last time to the lake.. to get in the water that is. Some of us went in against our wills {thanks babe} and boy! was the water chill..eee! The last time to eat a snowie – well,  I’m sure you can still get them at the 7/11, but not from our favorite little snowie stand. And what’s with that anyhow? Don’t they think folks might still crave a snowie when the temp is below 70?? :/ And the last of our veggies all picked too..  to which I might add I was pretty proud of the farmer I turned out to be. Atleast for the three vegetables I harvested!!

{mosaic of summer fun}

Even though I hate seeing the loves of summer go.. still, there’s something cozy and inviting about fall to me. Sure, it’s not my favorite season – everything’s DYING for crying out loud! Yet… I’m surprised to find myself this year somewhat welcoming it. Even looking forward to it!

And I was thinking about this today.. about what God’s been doing in my heart in the past year.. past months.. past few days. Alot of it has to do with “acceptance.” I read a beautiful thing on this friends blog. It touched me. “Only in acceptance is peace.” I often categorize statements like that for the big stuff.. forgetting that it applies, oh, so very much.. if not even more, to the small stuff too. Isn’t it all the little things that make up the big ones, after all?

But everyday things happen… and from that, I have a choice. Accept? Or not? Trust God? Or wrestle, try to figure it out, change it, or act like it doesn’t bother me {that’s always a classic response isn’t it? Problem? What problem?}

Sometimes I think I can even live life with the “someday” mentality…

Someday I’ll be okay with this. Someday I’ll understand. Someday I’ll forgive. Someday things will be made right. Someday it will make sense. Someday… I’ll accept it.

Sure some stuff does take time to heal, a bit longer to sort through.. but if I constantly push it off thinking “someday.someday.someday.” Before I know it all those someday’s will have accumulated into a lifetime of unacceptance, struggle, and lack of peace. It’s in THIS DAY that God wants me to learn acceptance to whatever He allows to come my way…

from the big. the little. the insignificant. the life stopping moments.

And no matter what season is going on outside we can find our hearts at various seasons within all throughout the year.. times when things are bright and sunny to fading and changing to cold and barren to fresh and exuberant!

… in it all and through it all God wants me to learn AcCepTanCE of where He has me. His plan ahead of mine. His will over mine. His heart in place of mine.

Not Someday. But this Day.

Learning to FALL on Him and finding Him faithful each and every time! 

 

 

Atleast, THAT is how I want to live~

Reminds me of this song I love singing.

= = ~ = = ~ = =

I did haul out some of my fall decor the other day and stick it around…

  

 

 

{one of my decorations had fallen apart.. so i just took the metal leaves and stuck them in frames i already had}

= = ~ = = ~ = =

Kate (who is our resident artist) said to me the other night while driving home under a gorgeous sunset sky,

“I think God must like art too mom!”

I totally agree..

and I don’t think I’ll ever tire of looking at the scenes He paints for us everywhere we look!

 

= = ~ = = ~ = =

“The life of faith is lived one day at a time, and it has to be lived–not always looked forward to as though the “real” living were around the next corner.  It is today for which we are responsible. God still owns tomorrow.”  Elisabeth Elliot, Let Me Be a Woman {Chapter 10: One Day At A Time}

“What I do today is important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it.”

= = ~ = = ~ = =

Enjoy the last day and half of “official” summer!!

 

= = ~ = = ~ = =

 

{Girls and Boy}


Thanks for all the sweet wishes for Emma’s birthday.
I think she had a lot of fun turning 4.
Though she keeps telling everyone she’s 6.

One of her favorite presents was ballet lessons from Mamaw and Papaw.

Here’s some shots from her first class…

(waiting for class to begin)

(These little ones are way funny to watch)

Emma’s so excited to finally be doing “bow-way wike tate!” Which interpreted is, “Ballet like Kate!”

  

Her class yesterday morning was rather eventful…

during their little dance routine one of the mom’s looked at me and asked,

“Do you see that?”

She pointed up at the ceiling, and upon a bit of inspection I finally saw the smoke coming through the cracks!

A repair man came in and when he lifted the panel from the dropped ceiling the smoke and smell of burning something came pouring in…

All the little girls were quickly taken outside…

Standing in their black and pink leotards, with eyes as big as saucers they watched as the siren blaring fire trucks pulled up and the big firemen piled out!

Class was canceled till next week~


= = ~ = = ~ = =


Monday’s are crazy days.

Emma’s ballet class in the morning.
Kate and Ben doing school in the van while they wait.
Home for lunch.
An hour of school.
Off to piano lessons.
Back out for Kate’s ballet.
Then on to Ben’s football practice.

I don’t mind it most Monday’s. Though this is only the second Monday we’ve had Emma’s ballet added in there.. so, ask me about it in a few weeks.

But yesterday I seemed to find myself especially aware of the “contrast” of the day… as we went from one extreme to the other.

Ballet – Football. The so obviously girly to the so obviously boyish.

Yet, even on days when we’re not learning proper posture while we chasse across the floor … or how to throw a guy to the ground or run a half back dive, still there are the ever present contrasts between the two. And at times I feel I need some kind of class or special training myself to learn the fine balance of teaching the tough to be tender and the tender to be a bit more tough as I teeter between the two…

thE giRls~

 

“Little girls are the nicest things that happen to people. They are born with a little bit of angelshine about them, and though it wears thin sometimes there is always enough left to lasso your heart. . .”

thE boY~

(collecting things)

(catching things)  

“One of the best things in the world to be is a boy; it requires no experience, but needs some practice to be a good one.”

(Wall-e)


I think I’ll never lose my fascination with how God has created boys and girls so differently.

Yet, no matter how strong some similarities in gender are, still each one is their own unique person.
I just love that about the Creator and His master design~
“the same” so that we can identify and have that connection,
yet “individual” and all our own!

Yesterday, while running late for piano, {which am I the only one that no matter how hard I try seems to run late for everything?} … Anyhow, I went around a corner on a curvy road a bit too fast, squealing the tires.

Ben said::

“Wow! Mom. That was cool. Do it again on this corner!”

Kate said::

“Uh.. maybe I should walk the rest of the way!”

Emma said::

“Dat was fun mommy. But a wittle scary!”  

(: Their different responses struck me funny~  being a girl. being a boy. yet being your own individual no matter what you are

I like that.

and I love them~

my giRls. my boY.

 

= = ~ = = ~ = =

Kate said to me last night, “I kinda like Monday’s. It’s better to be busy than just sitting around home…”

Hmmm.. I don’t know.

I think I’m going to try that “just sitting around home” thing today.

And I think I’ll like it.

It seems the older I get the more of a homebody I become…

I love going. But staying is awfully nice too! 

= = ~ = = ~ = =

Hope your week is calm.. even among the chaos and craziness of it all!

If not outwardly,  still that you’d have and hold on to that deep, deep peace found in Him~
the kind that keeps your hearts and minds! {Phil. 4:7}
I always get a chuckle out of that phrase, “keeps your mind…”

Yeah, we’d go loopy in a hurry were in not for being anchored to The Rock that is steady and sure! {Ps. 61:2}

 

 
= = ~ = = ~ = =
  
One thing that definitely needs some rethinking about Mondays is our dinner time~
eating at 9 0′clock at night isn’t going to cut it.
Especially if fish is on the menu!! 
Ugg!!
Can you say belly ache?
But please don’t say “fish” to me anytime soon!!



Have a  good one today.

<3

 

My Baby…

                      is 4 today!

 

Our little Emma Calen is a slice of real live sunshine in our home every day…

My heart is full of so many things when I look at her~ I wrote about it more here. here. and here.

While passing through the kitchen the other day she stopped, hugged my leg and said, “I wuv you.”
Turning and skipping on her way.. within a few seconds she was back.
She tapped on my side.
I looked down at her serious expression looking back at me…

“I fordot to tell you one thing…”

“What’s that baby?”

“I dunna wuv you forever!”

Full heart?

Yes, indeed!

 

Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Girl~



I’m gonna love you forever too!

How I {roughly} saved about 100 dollars…


When I was young I had a gap so wide between my two front teeth I would sit in school and stick my pencil point almost completely through it. Sometimes getting it stuck and then, getting in trouble with my teacher. Imagine a little 2nd grader, “But Mrs. Hennamin.. I couldn’t do my test. My pencil was stuck in my teeth!”


As a teenager I had the space bonded over. I remember the dentist saying it wouldn’t last forever and eventually would break down and crack through the years. He was right. It did. And once again I went in to have my gap filled…


I just had a random thought…. Remember in the movie, Anne of Green Gables, when Anne and Diana are chasing the cow! Anne sends a reluctant, prissy Diana to stop the cow from getting out on the other side of the field. And Diana, as she hikes her dress up over her arm with mud near up to her knees says oh, so unenthusiastically – “Alright. I have the gap blocked!!” hee hee~ I watched that movie so many times growing up. I loved it. A friend and I even dyed our hair red!
 

Well, earlier this week when some of the bonding fell off again, leaving a sharp jagged edge across the bottom of one tooth, I was determined to not go to the dentist to have it fixed! Amazing how you can be in that chair for literally less than 10 minutes and get charged the walloping amount of money you do  – making you feel you should atleast have a gold tooth or two to show for it! Beside, I really just flat out hate going to the dentist, or any doctor for the matter, and try to avoid it at all cost. But after a few days though of constantly sticking my tongue on it until it was sore I knew I needed to do something! 


So…. I got out my nail file and went at it!!! 


I think my face is in a permanent grimace now.
Not to mention one front tooth is shorter than the other!

But, the way I look at it is if I keep saving a bit of money here and there on my own medical repairs, someday I’ll be able to afford plastic surgery!!

 

 


= = ~ = = ~ = =




My mom read this quote to me the other day and it made me laugh…



“What if the hokey-pokey is really what it’s all about?”

ya never know.. it just might be!