{being a hippie vs. being pink}

I’ve been trying to get this post done since Tuesday …
it’s been one of them weeks.
Not bad. just busy.
Where spare time is taken up with laundry.
Answering school questions.
Staring at my baby.
And moving boxes.
Not packing them. Just MOVING them!
Literally, from one room to the next …

I could tell right away moving and I were going to have some issues -
For starters I hate seeing those things sitting around.
So bland and just plain ugly {and they kinda stink too}…
Hasn’t anyone thought of making pretty boxes!
Maybe even scented ones too – like those trash bags you can buy.

I’ve been wearing my heart monitor now for two days.
According to the little black box attached to me I only have 05:35:24 to go! :/
It also has a normal clock on it too, which I didn’t realize at first.
My kids kept coming up bending over, cocking their head sideways and staring at it. 
I thought they must be really fascinated by it…
only to find out they’ve merely been checking the time.
Nice to know they found it so convenient having their mom as a walking human clock!

tick.tock. 

I admit I’ve felt a bit like the bionic woman, with things stuck all over my chest and wires hanging from my shirt..
but as one of my girlfriends said, look more like a suicide bomber. :/

No wonder I had funny stares going into the store yesterday.

It comes off this afternoon and first thing, I’m coming home and taking a shower.
Never quite got into those sponge baths, ya know.  ;)
That’s really been the only tough part… . 
That. and feeling itchy, claustrophobic, and having a giant mp3 player strapped to your waist 24/7.
Minus the nice music.

But despite monitors and sponge baths and brown moving boxes that smell, the week has been a good one. Full days and some fun memories.
I’m determined to make these last weeks here ones of joy and gratefulness. Sure. a huge part of me is sad about moving. You’ve no idea… 

I often find myself with this sudden urge to just sit in the middle of wherever I am… the kitchen floor. the backyard. the grocery store. and bawl my eyes out and scream out loud how much I’m going to miss all this! A friend said to me not long ago, “you’re going to miss us, ya know?” Oh. I KNOW. Trust me I do. That clamp that tightens around my heart until it hurts reminds me just how much. But I also want to see clearly and soak in all that I love here, and I can’t do that if my eyes are constantly clouded with tears of sadness! For many reasons you can’t always see what you need to if your eyes are filled with tears~ nothing wrong with crying. I have and will cry many more buckets full, I promise. But I don’t want these last weeks to be focused on me. my emotions. There’ll be a time to do that. Because it’s not about denying my struggles – but not allowing those struggles to keep me from enjoying today. The moment I have right here and now!

And I also want my kids to see something…. because I know they’re watching. Searching for how to respond and accept and let go. I want them to see that even while struggling to sort through things. Feeling a sense of loss. Even fear. That joy can still preside over our hearts. Instead of being depressed that a wonderful time in our lives is coming to a close – be grateful we’ve had this time at all! {or so i keep reminding myself}

Here’s some of my favorite pictures from the weekend and week~

I wanted to share more about Kate’s birthday, but xanga is being all wonky… not all my pictures are showing up!?
I’ll have to wait and share about that in an upcoming post. She turned 13 and that’s a pretty big deal I think.

And she wanted me to get your opinion here about something…

She has a costume party coming up this weekend and can’t decide whether to go as a hippie, or the color pink. {not to be confused w. the rock star!}  
Kate has so many wonderful qualities about her - decisiveness not being among them!

So, what do you think:: 1. kate the hippie OR 2. kate the color pink

Emma says she’s going to be a wolf…. or, “a dost wif a sheet under my head!”
I’m sure she’d be the sweetest ghost there ever was!

These last pictures are for you, Cindy!!

Well, it’s almost time to go get these wires off and be free again, baby! woo hoo~

My kids won’t know what to do…
they’ll  have to resort to looking at the kitchen clock again.

Hope you all are having a great week.

¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{what’s really been on my heart}

It’s been a long week.
The kind where the days never seem to stop..
only roll into the next with a little space of darkness and a couple of naps in between.

Shayne was gone and  yeah.. I’m not gonna lie, it was rough.

At first when he told me he needed to make a trip to Canada I told myself there was no need to get in a snit about it – I knew he didn’t want to be gone anymore than I wanted him to be. But he had to get back to work up there, and… {if it’s possible to whisper while typing I am} we’re moving there in November! I don’t say it too loudly because I haven’t exactly processed it all myself. The word overwhelmed comes to mind.. but I’m playing the Scarlet O’Hara role – “I’m just not going to think about that today. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” And at the moment, just wanted to get through the week without him here. Sometimes you don’t have a choice about what happens in life… though you do always have a choice on how you’ll respond. I just read a quote yesterday that said: Attitude – the difference between an ordeal and an adventure. how true!

So, taping into that inner adventurer in me I told myself I’d be fine. I could handle it. I was tough that way… I am woman, hear me roar! ‘Cept…. within a few hours of Shayne pulling away Sunday afternoon and Ben coming and telling me the dogs had gotten out of their kennel{again}and we’d have to go chase them down… I kinda got the sense that this was only the prelude to one crazy week. And my whole inspiration of, I’m tough I can handle it roaring woman thing sorta lost it’s, um… roar.  

The nights were especially hard~ Shayne has always been so great about helping with the kids. He’s not one of these guys that looks at that stuff like the mother’s responsibility. When he’s here he takes just as much responsibility, if not more. I actually tease him about making a better mom than me.

I remember when I was pregnant with Kate him saying he was nervous about being a dad… he’d never been around kids much and he wasn’t sure he’d know what to do. I’ve thought of that little honest confession so many times as I’ve watched him with one of our babies, and smiled. He turned out to be a natural. Even getting up with them in the night- always. Never complaining. So sweet that way.

With Reese, his help in the night has been imperative. She hasn’t been nursing well and I’ve been having to pump and give it to her from a bottle. I pump every two hours. She eats every three. So in the night Shayne feeds her and pretty much completely takes care of her so I can get some rest in the hour 45 minute space of time I have in between! Of course with him gone… … sleep has been even less.  

And there were a few {okay 20} times or so throughout the week I was so close to picking up the phone and calling… pitching a fit and unloading and laying on a slight guilt trip. But there was something else I was feeling even more strongly than my over tired chalked full of hormone emotions. And that was GRACE. I can’t explain it.. I mean, who can really explain the work of grace? Other than saying instead of getting slammed like you deserve you get mercy sweeping down like a hurricane all around. And you feel the wind of His mercy pick you up and carry you through. Literally. Knowing every breath is simply.. grace. 

And it’s in that glorious gushing of grace that you discover something even deeper than just the strength to get through each day – whether chasing dogs all over the neighborhood. the frustrations of nursing. or not. :/ racing to get to the bank before they close to deposit a check and having your van battery dead, and in the end getting the overdrafts you were trying to avoid. or sitting by yourself in a cardiologist’s office waiting to see the doctor…yes, grace not only gets you through but also causes you to be able to SEE GOD IN IT ALL. Realizing it’s the hard of life that shows us just how big the holes in our heart truly are. And just how capable He is of filling those holes, and providing all we need…

How easy it is to carry our little bottomless cup of needs to others before Him.

To run to those counterfeit wells we think will quench our thirst – - whether girlfriends. or money. or shopping. or our image. seeking others approval. praise. putting confidence in our intellect. our spirituality. running to our parents. our family. even our kids. and the one that hit me this week – our husband!! There are so many things, and not even necessarily “bad” things, that we can look to fill us up other than Jesus Christ. But what they offer isn’t lasting. There is Only One whose well can provide us water where we’ll never thirst again. Every other “thirst quencher” is only temporary!

But it’s so “convenient”:) to run to my husband and look to him ahead of looking to the Lord – he is one of the kindest people I know and has such a genuine servants heart. He likes doing things for me. He’s geared that way… and I’ll stop right here for a minute and stick in a disclaimer – I’ve been “accused” in the past of coming across like I have the perfect marriage. Let me put that illusion to rest. It’s far from it. I don’t have a problem in the world being honest about our struggles. We’ve made it just like everyone else – by God’s grace. Yes.. I use that word alot in my life cause that’s what it’s all about! But I do feel blessed with the man I have. He’s a good one. And just because I choose to share some of that good on here from time to time instead of always hanging out the ugly, doesn’t mean the ugly’s not there. But.. if people choose to take the single snapshots of our life I share here to judge my motives and draw conclusions then oh, well. I KNOW what we are.. and what we are not. At the end of the day that’s all that matters. Others opinions are just that – their opinions. They don’t have to dictate our lives, unless we let them. 

hmm.. didn’t really plan on saying all that but felt like that’s hindered me some in the past few months from saying much about my marriage- and I don’t want it to hinder me anymore.  The thing I was getting at before I went off on that rabbit trial was there’s nothing wrong with our husbands meeting our needs and being sensitive and taking care of us.. I think it should be that way. They have strengths to balance our weaknesses and vice-versa. It’s part of the oil that makes the wheel of marriage turn and work.  But I think there’s a trap we as women, ME as a woman, can fall into and that’s making an idol out of our husbands and relying on him to constantly rescue us and be a “savior” of sorts in our lives in place of the Real One. I don’t know about you but I like the tangible.. arms I can feel around me, audible words I can hear. It easier to turn to someone in skin rather than trusting Christ~  

I’m sure there’s those reading this going, “well.. I don’t have to worry about that. My husband is a far cry from any kind of “savior” in my life…” But whether he is or isn’t, I think the underlying point is still the same because it’s about the EXPECTATION we place on him. Whether spoken or only secretly wished for.  And not only is there no human able to fill the voids in our life like we desire, we do a huge disservice to our marriage by placing this kind of expectation upon our husbands. Even the sweetest, kindest, most godly ones buckle under that kind of pressure. Because even if they meet your needs the majority of the time they will never be able to meet your needs all the time. Even when they get it right.. even then… does that truly bring the deep hearted peace we long for ? Does that really take away the insecurities and fear and discontentment?

And we all know the answer. But somehow… somehow we still find ourselves running to the counterfeits of fulfillment over The True Fulfiller of our souls.

And I’m not sure it’s even always a deliberate choice – sometimes I simply act before thinking. Ever do that? Something comes along that knocks my stuff.. I freeze up and seem to forget all these kind of posts I write and suddenly looking to Jesus and allowing Him to satisfy is the last thing on my mind. I find myself running, and I mean fast and hard, to that nearest source to fill my pathetic empty cup. And yeah, that’s often my husband. It seems only afterwards, usually when the temporary fix has worn off, do I stop and go, “duh, girl! when will you ever learn?”

Not sure I ever will learn it. Not completely. Probably only re-learn over and over again… but hopefully each time it’ll take a little deeper root. I want it to. Want the truth to be reality in my life. Merely writing about it doesn’t make it so… words are not reality – actions are. And actions are born in the quietness of my own heart where the things I choose to believe and allow to incubate there will, and do, eventually come out. So it’s not about trying harder, it’s about letting Him transform my heart. That’s where it all begins-

I was thinking when I was writing some of this too that’s it’s not about becoming some pseudo spiritual person from her lofty self righteous platform that looks down on others with a, “I only need Jesus,” kind of attitude. Especially towards her husband – ever know wives like that? Kinda not attractive is it? No. God made us like this. It’s okay to need others. To need our husband. I’m glad I do. I don’t ever want to be that hard harded. That arrogant. That dishonest to not be able to admit my neediness. It’s what God often uses to reveal just how sufficient He truly is. So being needy isn’t the issue… it’s what I do with that neediness. Ultimately, who it is I find myself carrying my cup to- expecting them to fill it up.

“But whoever drinks of the water that I give will never be thirsty again. The water that I give will become in you a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” jn. 4:14

Well, that’s what’s been going on in my heart spiritually this week… but now, physically.

I went in on Wednesday.. which I have to say, walking through the doors of that office I was immediately looking at two couples that couldn’t have been younger than 80. They stared at me from head to toe with a mixture of interest like, “I’m bored sitting in this waiting room with no good magazines to read and what in the world is a whipper snapper like that doing here?”  I sorta felt I was invading their territory or something. One lady was talking, not in her inside voice about how she needed a new cane. Lifting the one she had high up in the air to show the lady next to her the “uneven rubber bottom.” After I got my paper work and began filling it out, I admit I was feeling as strange as the stares from across the room and suddenly more nervous than I had been- wondering if I was really at that point in life where I was going to start having health problems. Good health is a blessing at any age, I get that.. but there’s still that standard way of thinking that you’re “guaranteed” so many years of problem free living before the inevitable sets in. 

Finally it was my turn. And I felt the squinty eyes from my four waiting room companions follow me as I walked back through the door being held open by the nurse. I had to get on a scale! Which I wasn’t planning on doing for another month {or 12}. I told myself I wasn’t going to look, I really didn’t want to know. But when the nurse called out the weight as if she were calling out a bingo number I didn’t have a choice. I always wonder why the first thing they make you do at the doctor’s office is weigh in~ I mean it’s not like we’re needing to qualify for anything! The exam room was dimly lit with soft music piped through. They seem to try to create these spa like environments now in medical places. As if you could actually relax to the same degree you would if you were about to have a massage? My doctor was Dr. Sing. While waiting for him to come in I imagined how cool it would have been for him to go into something in the musical field vs. medicine. With a last name like Sing how could you not? As soon as he entered though, a short little Indian man… I saw the life I pictured for him of a top of the charts rock star could never be! But he was very nice and I liked him. I always ask tons of questions and he was patient to answer them, and talk in terms I understood. I hate when doctors talk in all this big medical jargon and then look at you like you’re supposed to know what they mean. I feel like saying, “excuse me. I have my medical dictionary right here in my purse.. let me just pull that out and look up what ventricular actually means…”

But in very simple, without looking anything up terms, Dr. Sing said that I had what is called a PVC of the heart. Which means it doesn’t beat normally, but doesn’t necessarily mean it’s abnormal either. Many very healthy people have these. However, there is a PVC that can be more serious. So they want to hook me up to a heart monitor for 48 hrs. to see if it’s the normal or abnormal PVC’s I have. They wanted to set me up right then.. but the thought of one more thing to deal with this week made me cave a bit inside. I began this somewhat frantic fluster of trying to explain to him that my husband was gone, my dogs kept getting out, I was having to pump, my cell phone died on the way there, and I homeschooled my kids… Dr. Sing finally interrupted me with a smile, that I know was really a laugh wanting to come out. He said it was fine {relax you crazy spastic lady!} and that I could simply come in next week and get the heart monitor.  

The one thing he did say that was more of  concern to him was that the sonogram they took in the hospital showed the right side of my heart was enlarged. He told me for now he wasn’t going to do another read of it, because sometimes in pregnancy the vital organs all get pushed and pressured and that could happen.. so he wants to wait another month and then see what it looks like. I asked if that was like the PVC’s – normal and abnormal. He shook his head emphatically and said, “No.no.no. An enlarged heart is never normal!”  I thought about making a joke about the Bible verse that says something about an enlarged heart – -but decided not to – and later realized it’s not an enlarged heart, it’s enlarged steps. So.. it wouldn’t have even applied.

I guess basically there aren’t any answers yet. I feel pretty confident from his response that the PVC stuff won’t be an issue. And with the other.. there’s nothing to do for it at the moment anyway. So… more waiting.

Seems like there’s many things in my life right now where God is saying rather clearly – TRUST ME!

I admit that makes my heart doing a abnormal palpitation right there.. but then, when I look back at other times where I’ve wondered and worried and waited on Him - He’s always been faithful. And I feel my heart steady again and take a deep calming breath in~ knowing this time will be no different.

thank you so much for your prayers and sweet words. i don’t take any of that lightly.. i really don’t.

 
¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber

{a one handed ramble}

my new best friend…

 

= = ~ = = ~ = =

because everyone girl needs a good pair of jeans…


  

                              {hello mr.hand!}   

   

 

and of course some cute boots to go with them…





= = ~ = = ~ = =

I still want to write about Reese’s birth.. to tell the story of her debut to the world.
Why we chose the name we did. Why we’re calling her Reese instead of Megan.
But these days most of my time on here is when I’m feeding her which means I’m limited to one handed typing..
so until I perfect that better or learn to type with my toes the more wordy posts are for when I have two hands available – -
and I’m finding when those moments happen, I’m usually not choosing to be writing blog posts!

But so many of you have been so sweet throughout this entire journey and it’s only fitting we share the “ending.”
Hopefully one of these days before her first birthday I’ll get some two handed time to write it out.

Today I finally called the cardiologist to make my appointment..
I haven’t really been worried about it other than curious to know what exactly is wrong~
I felt like we really weren’t given clear answers in the hospital.
Since I was told this group of doctors were extremely hard to get into I was expecting something several wks. out…
so was taken back when the receptionist told me they’d received my results from the hospital and my file was flagged.
When I asked what that meant she said, “oh.. just that we should get you in here as soon as we can. how about tomorrow??”  
I found myself suddenly nervous. Her response threw me.. and are receptionist even allowed to tell you things like that?
Oh well. Tomorrow it is – 3:15.

Funny to go to the doctor when you don’t really feel like anything is “wrong” with you! Not medically anyway.
Though I’ll make sure to wear double of that under eye stuff above just so that I don’t look like there is.




“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one!”




¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber   

{marry him for his hair}

Yesterday at Ben’s football game Emma saw a boy from Ben’s team walking by and turned to me and said,

“Oh! I weally weally lub dat boy!”

“Hmm.. how can you love him, babe? You don’t even know him…”

“Well.. I just lub him hair.”

“I see. So it’s the hair is it?”

“Yep. I fink that’s how I’ll marry someone fur not … if dey hab tute hair.”

{i like how both these shots look different just from changing the picture style- i think one was Faithful & the other Standard}   

¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber   

{this isn’t a dress rehearsal}

and because of that there are some days you just have to… leave the vacuum in the middle of the living room…those dishes piled high by the sink…school lessons halfway done…laundry left unfolded…stick on the same outfit you’ve worn three days in a row…finger through your hair since the hairbrush can’t be found…grab the big kids, the medium size kid, and the teeny baby…run out the door like the house is on fire…head to the nearest park…and throw a blanket down on the ground under the biggest tree you can find…
 
and sit.
and smile.
and soak it in.
the sunshine.
the breeze.
the faces that are with you.

 
 
because y.o.u k.n.o.w that someday at sometime you’ll be somewhere and it’ll be another warm autumn day very much like this one and suddenly when the sun hits your face just right or the leaves crunch beneath your feet a certain way it’ll take you back… back to this day. and i can see it now. you’ll close your eyes as you recall the images embossed so deeply on your heart. standing there probably looking slightly goofy with a smile dancing at your mouth and maybe an unwanted tear or two in your eyes, but you’ll be glad. so glad that you stopped all those things you could have been doing and went and did what you did.

you’ll have the rest of your life to have everything folded and dried and cleaned and put away. and yourself in ironed clothes with brushed hair, showered and well rested! … but these days. and the million little moments that fill them will only happen once.

no, life isn’t a dress rehearsal. there’s no do-overs or hoping to get it right the second time through.
and when it comes to investing in my children that motivates me to make deliberate, conscious choices.
to keep the important, important.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”







we walked around a trail in the woods…

it’s been a hot, dry summer and so the leaves are pretty much just dying and falling off the trees.
the kids and i made a game of how many we could crunch. i liked the sound they made










we stopped by the river and the kids waded and played while i fed reese…
















the sweater reese has on was the sweater we brought kate home from the hospital in after her surgery when she was 6 wks old…
the way life flips at times and comes full circle is enchanting.
these shots of my first born girl w. my baby girl find me staring back and forth from one face to the other -
reese looks different than kate did at this age, yet there’s something still so familiar and kate-like in her.







 



¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber  

{wise love is forming us}

“The Potter has called us to know Him, not His purposes in us.

Trust Him without fear or reservation, my dear friend. The Potter’s hands will not stretch, pound, pull, scrape, or apply pressure in vain. Nor does He delight in seeing us spin needlessly around the wheel. {spin needlessly – i liked that part} Every turn of the wheel and every pressure of His hand are wisely applied to our lives in His loving re-creation of us. He is working us from the inside out to conform us into vessels of honor. Wise love is forming us.

Let us not fear the turnings, the pressure, or the silence. Where the pressure is greatest the vessels will no doubt be most unique and the Potter most glorified.

The simplicity of this is awesome! We must know Him, not His purposes, and we know Him through submission.

Clay was never in better hands than the hands that now are molding you.”

Rest!

Edward Miller, Letters to the Thirsty, 106

{andthentherewere4}

Shayne and the kids are gone to church.
It feels weird to be alone after a week filled with commotion and energy and excitement.
Reese is laying next to me on the couch.
Every time I look over at her I stare longer than I intend.
To think – this time last week she was still inside me!

And now.
THERE.she.is! amazing

I went to see the musical production of Wizard of Oz last night with Kate and Ben.
They’ve been talking about it for weeks and I had told them we’d just have to wait and see how things went…
they never mentioned it again, but as it got closer I could see them anxiously studying me – trying to assess if I’d feel up to it or not.
And even though I really didn’t, I went ahead and took them.
Cause that’s what we do as mom’s isn’t it.
 
I love seeing my kids happy and yeah, I can’t give them all they want – but I can give them what I can.
Tickets and time at a musical isn’t that much to ask really. They’re great kids!
They’ve been incredible since Reese was born – -
helping out. asking if I need anything. sitting to chat. making me laugh.



 

They both seem so much older to me now with a newborn.
Sometimes when they’re talking about those things of great importance in their lives right now, like…
the most amazing football play from the latest game. or all the ways unlimited texting would be a benefit.
I sit and listen entranced with the thoughts of, “who are you and what have you done with my baby?”
My baby Kate and baby Ben that looked just like my baby Reese only 5 seconds ago.
You hear over and over how fast the time goes but you never believe it. not really.
Not until you find yourself in that defining minute yourself and suddenly are shocked that all those people were actually right!

But.
despite all the good and grateful I’ve been feeling I knew.. ..
knew there would be that one initiating moment that was going to happen~
probably when I least expected it and around the silliest of circumstances,
of introducing the selfishness of my heart to the reality of life with 4.
Because as much as I love my kids the ugly truth is I love me too.  
I try to keep that part hidden as much as possible. but.there.are.those.days.
Days it comes spilling out no matter how hard you try to keep it stuffed in.

It happened Friday afternoon…

Shayne was gone. I was on the couch trying to feed Reese {which is not as simple as that sentence makes it sound. i won’t divulge details. poop is one thing.;) let’s just say – i’ll never win the nursing woman of the year award!} Emma was beside me excitedly asking what her next assignment in school was. Ben and Kate were being ruckusy in the next room and I called for them to calm down. A second later Ben emerges soak n wet saying Kate just poured water on his head because she was annoyed with him. Kate emerges to share her side of the story. I’m holding baby in one arm. A school book in the other. Trying to catch the blanket that’s across me with my chin to keep it from falling off as they start their whole, “he did. she did. did not. did so” routine – - while Emma tap tap tapped on my right arm with her impatience -and Reese gnaw gnaw gnawed with her lion like chops. that’s when I felt the tears. and that distant dreaded voice in my head,“I don’t think I can do this!”

A voice I’ve heard often enough in my days of mommying…
but somehow. this time it was different because… well, it is different.
This is a new phase. A new chapter.
Now there are 4.
And though 4 isn’t 12, it’s more than 3.
And that’s twice as many hands as I have!
Honestly. no matter what the number- more is more.

So I sat there. and thought of all the ways I was supposed to respond.
What I should say. or more importantly, what I should not.
I had words like grace and peace and calm and patience pass through my head… 
but, when my mouth opened I don’t think any of those are what came out!
{we shouldn’t judge kate gosselin too harshly.. i think we all have a bit of her in us somewhere}
I sent everyone outside {‘cept reese} and sat there like the big cottage cheese lumpy person I’m feeling and waited for the tears to come.
Funny. they never did. I felt them. Wanted to cry them. But instead I just sat.
I would like to say I prayed. thought of a verse. or some inspirational somethings to motivate me.
but nope. just sat. closed my eyes. and soaked in the quietness.

And though I don’t always feel it in those moments, I know God is there.
Because His being there isn’t conditioned upon me conjuring up the spiritual warm fuzzies I’m supposed to.
His being there isn’t relying on a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g I DO whatsoever.
Even if I don’t want Him there, still, He is.
Because that’s what He does. and more than that – what He’s promised.
And somewhere among all the emotions and hormones and selfishness I hear that questioning voice in my head answered with -
“You’ll do with 4 the same that you’ve done with 3 – DEPEND ON ME.”

And I’m not going to be all Pollyanna-ish and say I was a chilled out mom the rest of the day.
I brought the kids back in. Asked their forgiveness for my spew and we all went back to what we were doing before…
which yeah, some of which was bickering from the other room.
the pestering tap of a anxious kindergartner.
and trying to not go nuts from nursing.
There’s going to be days that are just like that…
 
Ones where nothing goes as you planned.
Ones where you can’t seem to get with it no matter how much you try or pray or scream or sleep.
Ones you’re glad to see come to a close.
But Ones that you look back on as you lay your pillow on your head – {when i re read this i caught my typo.. but then i thought.. ha! sometimes ya do kinda want to put your pillow on your head don’t you?? block out the world} But even then.. pillow on your head or head on your pillow…  as you look back over even one of those days you can see God’s fingerprints of faithfulness all over it! And I’m reminded again that these kiddos probably aren’t going to turn out because of me, but more than likely, in spite of me.  

andthentherewere4.
and He is just as Faithful.

 
 











     


         

I told Kate when she was taking pictures of Ben and I to get my skinny side..
to which she said, “it’s your cheeks that look too fat, mom. try making your face look less puffy or something….”

“You mean like this….”

 

Ben said, “no, it’s not her face it’s her hair. make it flatter, mom…”

“Oh, okay. Like this…”

 

uh-huh! that’s better.. no one will notice my puffiness now!

Ben also said I could try squeezing my thighs in on the side –
“like I used to squeeze my butt before getting a spanking…”
But I’m not secure enough to post those shots.
maybe a few more thigh squeezes first.

haha! when it’s all said and done ya gotta just laugh at yourself don’t you…
it’s a whole lot more therapeutic than not, that’s for sure.




I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart.. for your love and your faithfulness…
When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.…
May we sing of the ways of the LORD, for the glory of the LORD is great…
Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly…
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life…
The LORD will fulfill [his purpose] for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever…. ps. 138



whatever it is you’re facing in your life right now remember God is there! in the moment with you.

and He’s sufficient.



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(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber  

{the scoop on poop}

amazing how these little ones change your life in every way.

suddenly thoughts on what it means to be truly free in Christ are exchanged for, “I better go check them one more time to make sure they’re still breathing….” and what’s happening in our country and who’s burning what where takes on less significance than anxiously looking inside every diaper. 

things you’d never talk about. you do!
and things you never do. you do!

yup. poop has become the new favorite word in the Hutch house this week.
we’ve talked about it. googled it. giggled over it. worried about it. sniffed for it. made songs up about it. and even prayed for it.

hey.. when you’re brand new to the world these things MATTER.

well, one thing we didn’t do was make up a dance for it when it happens.
needless to say – - – this mama’s doing that right now!!

¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber   {aka-the happy poop dancer!}
 

{finally home}

Seems like months have passed since we started our trek to the hospital early Monday morning…
so glad to finally be home!

I had to stay a bit longer for further testing/ observation because of a heart condition they discovered I had.
There doesn’t seem to be any immediate danger now –
but I’m supposed to schedule with a cardiologist to find out more and what action needs to be taken.
Kinda worrisome if I let myself go there. but. not letting myself go there.
The worst is the extra tiredness and occasional dizziness..
and I get frustrated at not feeling “normal.” {like i really know what that is}  
But atleast the normal I want, or think it should be.

I was thinking just now as I typed that out about a conversation Shayne and I had the other day…
about learning and continuing to learn that everything-
e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.
happens for one reason.
and one reason only…
to draw us closer to Christ and make discover more of our need for Him. 
When things don’t make sense or seem fair or right or just or fun or the “normal” we thought we’d signed up for…
we can still trust in the Heart of Him that knows us best and loves us most –
and in that great knowledge.
and in that great love.
only does what is for our absolute ultimate good!

For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD.
They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jer. 29:11

I heard someone say recently -
if the only thing Christ ever did for us was die on the cross, that alone was more than we deserved.
That alone was and is enough.
And yet… He does so much more.
so. much. more.
What perspective!

It’s not like I’ve never heard that before, but the hearing and believing thing is where I often seem to get hung up -
oh to truly have a heart of belief and not merely a mouth that makes it sound like I do.

****** ******

Thank you so much for the outpouring of kindness in welcoming our sweet baby Reese to the world.
Here’s the little face so many of you have been praying for all these months~

 
Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders which You have done, And Your thoughts toward us;
There is none to compare with You. If I would declare and speak of them, They would be too numerous to count. Ps. 40:5



 

I haven’t gotten alot of pictures with her eyes open yet…
she’s such a sleepyhead.

I have a feeling that’s going to change.



¸.·´¸.·¨) ¸.·¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber  

{chasing balloons}




*** i started writing this sunday night but got too tired and never finished…  among other things.

Last week was emotionally charged on so many fronts.
I had dozens of thoughts swirling in my head that ended up sitting in unfinished posts.
But none of the words seemed to connect when I tried to process them,
and I’ve learned with writing that it’s better to not force something if it doesn’t naturally flow~

Then.
came the weekend…

and with it the breathing room of grace to once again, simply be.
I know it’s always there. grace.
But at times I can let the enemy completely suffocate me with his lies that I miss recognizing it.

So grateful for the consistency of God my Father – in a world that is often anything but. His goodness humbles me and I find myself over and over amazed by how He reveals in those quiet places of ordinary days all the ways He says, “i love you.”

****** some pieces in pictures from our weekend ***

fall shots of the kids ::




   

 




  



   

 
 
     

******
saturday at the apple orchard::











 

******
chasing hot air balloons on Sunday::

we spotted these in the sky coming home from Ben’s football game and decided it would be fun to follow and see where they landed… what a wild, crazy ride of quick turns, wrong ways, and me riding with my head out the sunroof to see where they went! when we finally figured it out and got to where they were going, we saw by the procession of cars that pulled in behind us we weren’t the only ones chasing balloons that afternoon! )





  








  


******
sunday night at the lake::

 
******

and.

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(¸.·´ (¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`♥ amber  




still in hospital. some complications. nothing major. hoping to come home tomorrow.